AncientOfDays
Member
My Relationship to Myself
- Our most common mistake is to believe our feelings and to act on them as if they were reasoned judgments. FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS! They may disguise themselves as thoughts, judgments, or decisions; but they are in fact merely impulsive, unreasoning and childish reactions to stimuli. Most stem basically from fear.
Down in the depths of our being there lives a scared little boy or girl who reacts to every situation with fear or anger. He has convinced me that he is the “real me”. He is not. I must bring him under control. I don’t argue with him; I just command him. So whenever I find myself beginning to feel fear or anger, I must immediately say, “STOP THAT!” and do exactly the opposite of what he urges me to do. One cannot reason with feelings – they must be commanded, just like little children.
- The feelings that do me the most harm are worry, anxiety, envy, resentment, anger, and self-pity. They are slow poison to the mind and heart – I cannot afford to indulge them. Nor do I have to indulge them. FEELINGS AND IMPULSES CAN BE CONTROLLED. It takes constant vigilance to spot them when they arise, and constant reaction and self-discipline to put them down, but it can be done. Indeed, it must be done, if we are to regain peace of mind and emotional stability.
Contrary to what you probably believe, it is not your situation that causes your discomfort, but your reaction to the situation. More precisely, your discomfort is caused by your habit of giving in to the feelings with which you react. Say to yourself, “IF I’M NOT THE PROBLEM, THERE IS NO SOLUTION.”
You may not be able to change the situation, but you can change your emotional reaction. If you are like most people, you will try to change the situation: the geographical change (change cities); the occupational change (change jobs); or the marital change (change mates). Experience shows that none of these solutions is effective. The only effective solution to your problem is to change your emotional organization through self-discipline.
- SELF-CONFIDENCE vs. INADEQUACY. Trust yourself. Accept yourself, as God does. Above all, forgive yourself. You are not better and not worse, not more or less gifted, no more or less intelligent than the average person. Stop doubting yourself – you are better at some things than other people are, and they are better at certain things than you are. Your judgment is as good as most people’s, and better than some.
- AVERAGENESS. You demand too much of yourself, are harder on yourself than others are on you. Never try to do more than you would expect of the average person in your situation. By the same token, never excuse yourself from doing what you would expect of the average person in your situation. Rule of thumb: what would reasonably be expected of my neighbor? The same can be expected of me.
- NEVER MIND “WHY”. It’s not WHY, but WHAT that counts. It doesn’t matter what you think. It doesn’t matter how you feel. IT’S WHAT YOU DO THAT COUNTS.
My Relationship to Others
- REACTION. The greatest threat to my emotional well-being comes not from outside, but from within. It is not what other people do or say to me that causes me pain, but the matter in which I react to what they do or say. The problem is not their action, but my reaction. I cannot control them, but I can control myself. In other words, no one can hurt me, upset me, make me sad or glad, UNLESS I LET THEM.
BASIC PRINCIPLE: Never pay any attention whatsoever, internally or externally, to anything anyone says or does to you or about you that is, in your considered, honest opinion, unfair, untrue, unwarranted, unfounded, unjust or exaggerated.
COROLLARY: Never bother to defend yourself (even to yourself), or feel obliged to defend yourself to any person who is unwilling or unable to accept the explanation.
- CRITICISM. There are only two people in the universe whose approval or disapproval should mean anything to me: my own honest self-approval and God’s.
Hence, if someone criticizes me, my first duty is to evaluate the criticism as honestly and emotionally as possible. If the criticism is deserved, I should get mad not at the critic, but at myself, and resolve to act differently in the future. If the criticism is unwarranted, I should feel happy for me, and sorry for the critic (poor guy’s got a problem). Criticism is no problem; my reaction can be. It’s up to me, not to the critic.
- UNDERSTANDING. You cannot expect any other human being to understand you. You cannot even understand yourself. And it is a good thing, because one doesn’t need to understand nor to be understood to be happy. (One has only to accept and be accepted to be happy). So stop expecting your husband, boss, wife, mother, neighbor, friend or foe to understand you. Psychologists understand patterns of behavior, and that’s all they need to understand to be effective. Prepare to be misunderstood – it’s not important.
- ACTION. In planning to do something, plan the action on its merits, and never on the basis of how someone else is going to react to it. Do what you think is right. If someone reacts to it unreasonably, that’s their problem, not yours. Live your own life and let them howl, scream, throw tantrums, break things or whatever. At the very least, they will respect you as a person with a mind of your own, not as a doormat. This is the only way to keep your sanity when you have an alcoholic, neurotic, or psychotic husband, wife, boss, or whatever. This manner of acting, in the long run, helps them also.
- LIVE AND LET LIVE. Otherwise known as keeping your nose clean. Don’t even attempt to live other people’s lives for them, regardless of their relationship to you (if they are over 18, that is). You cannot be responsible for the behavior of any other adult human being (nor can you influence it), regardless of his or her relationship to you. WHATEVER IS BEYOND YOUR CONTROL IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Live your own life and let others live theirs. It will give you peace of mind and will help them to live theirs. By all means, pray for them; there is a Power who can help them and will help them, if you invoke Him. This is the kind of help that counts. THERE IS NO PROBLEM SO GREAT THAT GOD AND YOU CAN’T HANDLE IT.