Soulsearching
Member
Brother Keith..YES! please keep praying for us. I need you, I really do.
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2 Christians having an affair
- Thread starter Soulsearching
- Start date
Matthew G
Member
I understand that you know your husband, but you can't know that for sure. God can give you both grace to begin again. Either way, you have to come clean. But with that being said, I'm going to tell you something you may not like.
Yes. Your husband may divorce you for this.
I, personally, would not condone this. Even though it's given as the only "acceptable out" so-to-speak in Scripture, divorce is not something I'm big on. I think anything can be fixed, if both people are willing.
But what you need to prepare for is the fact that there may be consequence for your sin, and that consequence may be the lost of your husband. I think of David and Bathsheba. The consequence for David's sin was the death of the child born of that sin. God still loved David, but David committed a sin, and that sin had consequence.
However, this may also be something He uses to bless your marriage in a way you can't even imagine. This event did not take God by surprise. Bear that in mind in the days ahead.
As far as how to start getting this man out of your life - block his number, or change yours, and see to it he cannot get it. Facebook? Block him and shut it down so he can't get in touch that way. Email? Ditto. It may be painful for you but it is infinitely necessary. Basically, you just have to do it. You said this began in your office so I'm assuming you work together (please correct me if I'm wrong). Avoid him like the plague. Period. Do not let this man gain any more of a foothold in your heart and your life.
Your marriage was not a legal document. It was not a piece of paper, and it wasn't just a social gathering where you kissed some dude in expensive clothes. It was a covenant between you, your husband, and God. That covenant is something worth fighting for.
I'm not a prophet. I don't know how this will end. But regardless of whether or not your husband forgives and you reconcile, you have to stay away from this other man. You need to get into prayer, and you need to get into counseling. When you speak to your husband - which you should do yesterday, by the way - make that one of the first things you say. Something like "I am cutting him off, I want this to work and I want to go to counseling." Showing a willingness to admit that 1. - you made a mistake and 2. - you're willing to do whatever is necessary to fix that mistake, may go farther than you think toward his willingness to forgive.
There may be hoops you need to jump through to prove to your husband you mean what you say. I would expect that, in fact. But you need to stick to them.
Or he may forgive you outright and begin the process of rebuilding your trust.
I don't know. But I do know God wants to put your marriage back together. He wants to forgive you, and to help your husband do the same.
Matthew G
Member
You're certainly entitled to your opinion, but I disagree. The Bible doesn't speak about lies of omission, but it also doesn't speak about a number of specific things we deal with in our lives. What it does give us, however, is general principles that can be applied to everything in our lives. In this case - if she does not tell her husband, you suggest she go about her daily life acting as if nothing is wrong.
At the very least, that is deception, because there is something wrong. And we know the Bible has nothing good do say about those who deceive others. Therefore, it will still be a lie of omission = deception = the opposite of what God wants.
Matthew G
Member
Yes, as I understand it, if she confessed to her husband, wanted to reconcile but he filed divorce, she would be able to marry again. However, the part that I quoted above is not correct. She would not be able to marry the current "other guy".
Why?
Because he is currently married. If he divorced his wife for her (which is what he wants), he would still be committing adultery, which would still have both of them living in sin. God does not bless sin.
Matthew G
Member
Atonement
Member
The only dishonesty i see now is if her husband questions her and she lies about it. If he has not asked, she has not lied. The confession of it is between her and the lord.
Im sure many people confess there sins to the lord, some things very personal they dont want others to know. A white lie is just as bad as theft. What people confess and when they understand they have done wrong is between themselves and God, knowone else. If they move on and continue to do right, good for them. If they continue to go back to there old ways they are living in denial and sin. Whos to say they are perfect would be a hypocrite. Everyone has sinned and one is as bad as the other. Who has turned to the lord and never sinned at all after? even had the slightest of negative thought in there mind?. Exactly. Knowone.
If it was like you said, i would be spending 24 hours a day trying to remember and get hold of every single person i have lied too in my life asking for forgiveness.
Hey john. Remember 60 years ago in 5th grade when you found that chocolate bar and i stole it off you and ate it. Im sorry man.
Im not saying im right or wrong, just an opinion. I could be missing something. If you have scriptual backup please show me.
Greetings to you in the love of Jesus
Yes, you have a right to your opinion, However, I provided Scripture for why I believe she should take the Biblical position on this matter. That's the position I'm going to stand on as well..
Sin is a horrible thing and if not confessed before the Lord and her husband, it will eventually find her out. Numbers 32:23
God Bless
Atonement
Member
Matthew 5:23-24; James 5:16; Galatians 6:2
KayGraham1611
Member
I just want to say that my prayers are with you and your family right now. This is a very hard choice to make i know but im goin to tell you that i have been down this road many times. I had affairs before i got right with God and i had to tell my husband about them and it hurt him and shattered his heart but he forgave me thank the Lord. We r still working on issues from it but God has brought us closer together bc of it and closer to him. It doesn't always end up that way no but i think if you decide you want to fix you marriage and keep your family together that if you go to God and your husband with a repentant heart that it will be ok with alot of work and counseling. If youd like you can p.m. me and i can talk to you some more....i am praying n lifting you guys up to God. Good luck
SoulSearching,
I'm a little late to the thread. I'm glad you have decided not to divorce your husband.
It really would take a lot of nerve for you to divorce him after you cheated on him and committed adultery. It doesn't sound like he has done anything to you to warrant a divorce even by secular standards. I am also a little concerned that you seem to put a little blame on him for not making you a priority. I don't know if you think this way, but you could be tempted to blame your affair at least partly on whatever flaws he has. Be careful not to do that, though. Even if you were married to an irresponsible man who didn't provide for the family, gambled up his salary, got drunk every night and beat you up, who only cared about his own physical needs and not yours, you still would not be justified in the least in committing adultery. Adultery is a sin against the Lord. God didn't do anything to deserve your sinning against him. It sounds like your husband is a decent, God-fearing man from what you said, not what I described above. Maybe he did not make you the priority you wanted to be, and maybe there are other faults you can find with him, but you married a man, and that comes with the territory. There are going to either be flaws, or things you don't like about the other person if you have married.
When dealing with sin, it is also helpful to realize just how bad and destructive it is. You probably know there was a death penalty under the law that God gave to Moses for people in Israel who committed adultery. It's a serious sin, a heinous sin. That was the same penalty for murder and enticing people into idolatry.
The good news is God's mercy is so great that He can forgive even that. He forgave David. According to some manuscripts of John, Jesus said to a woman who it was said was caught in the very act of adultery, "Neither do I condemn thee. Go and sin no more." I Corinthians 6 tells us, "And such were some of you, but now ye are washed; now ye are sanctified; and now ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God."
Should you tell your husband? Consider this verse:
Proverbs 28:13
Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.
If you don't tell your husband, you would be concealing your sin. Even if you just had secular morality and didn't care about God, you still put your husband at risk for disease. And apart from the fact that it would be a sin, going with this other man also doesn't make sense based on just worldly morality and common sense. If the man left his wife for someone at work, why is he a quality enough man to marry? What would happen if he went to work somewhere else and met someone younger, or just newer or different? If he has troubles with his wife now, what makes you think that he would get along with you? If you had some marital troubles, why would you think he would be faithful enough to the marriage and to God to stay faithful while working them out? There is a reason if someone gets a divorce and remarries the chances of divorcing over and over again is much higher.
It doesn't sound like your relationship with this man is worth sacrificing your kids over, having them live in a broken home, either.
You also have to be careful about feelings. Feelings can be a good thing, but don't fall into the trap that tells you that if you are 'in love' that it is right. Amnon 'loved' his sister Tamar before he raped her. Then he hated her. Feelings can lead you astray. I heard a preacher once talk about how David might have felt about Bathsheba. He talked about men and how they justify leaving their wives based on how good the other woman is and how bad the wife is. He talked about ministers thinking how holy the potential partner in adultery is, and how they justify it.
I talked with a man who was housing a woman whose husband was into 'kink' as he put it and swinging. She participated for a while but wanted out. She was still married. This man was sleeping with her. He talked about how good their love was. He made it sound so holy and pure. I told him about 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' and explained what that meant. It was as if he'd never heard it before. He told me what church he went to, too.
What I learned from this conversation was that when you hold that person in your arms, it is going to feel good. It is going to feel right. You might even think it feels so good that it is from the Lord. If you have sex with someone you have feelings for, it may feel right. It may feel good. It might feel like the right way to go. But it can be a wicked thing. We don't judge what is right or wrong by feelings. The heart is desperately wicked, as the Bible says. But God also writes His laws on men's hearts. But if someone isn't living up to what the Lord requires, and says it feels right, we can know if the problem is the wickedness of the heart.
I think you should be looking for another job. If I were you, the struggles I'd be dealing with would be how to break it to my husband. You just have to do it. There is no perfect time. If the kids are asleep and he's awake, you may not get much better than that. Pray first. Be humble about it. Don't put any blame on him. You ask him for his forgiveness and be open to whatever steps he wants to take, and let him lay down any terms he wants and respect that.
If I were you, I'd also be consider if how and when to tell this other man's wife. That could be a way to help nip the relationship in the bud and protect both of you. He's already asked her for a divorce. But if you are out of the picture there could be a chance of him reconciling with his wife. You don't need to see him every day in the office, though.
I'm a little late to the thread. I'm glad you have decided not to divorce your husband.
It really would take a lot of nerve for you to divorce him after you cheated on him and committed adultery. It doesn't sound like he has done anything to you to warrant a divorce even by secular standards. I am also a little concerned that you seem to put a little blame on him for not making you a priority. I don't know if you think this way, but you could be tempted to blame your affair at least partly on whatever flaws he has. Be careful not to do that, though. Even if you were married to an irresponsible man who didn't provide for the family, gambled up his salary, got drunk every night and beat you up, who only cared about his own physical needs and not yours, you still would not be justified in the least in committing adultery. Adultery is a sin against the Lord. God didn't do anything to deserve your sinning against him. It sounds like your husband is a decent, God-fearing man from what you said, not what I described above. Maybe he did not make you the priority you wanted to be, and maybe there are other faults you can find with him, but you married a man, and that comes with the territory. There are going to either be flaws, or things you don't like about the other person if you have married.
When dealing with sin, it is also helpful to realize just how bad and destructive it is. You probably know there was a death penalty under the law that God gave to Moses for people in Israel who committed adultery. It's a serious sin, a heinous sin. That was the same penalty for murder and enticing people into idolatry.
The good news is God's mercy is so great that He can forgive even that. He forgave David. According to some manuscripts of John, Jesus said to a woman who it was said was caught in the very act of adultery, "Neither do I condemn thee. Go and sin no more." I Corinthians 6 tells us, "And such were some of you, but now ye are washed; now ye are sanctified; and now ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God."
Should you tell your husband? Consider this verse:
Proverbs 28:13
Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.
If you don't tell your husband, you would be concealing your sin. Even if you just had secular morality and didn't care about God, you still put your husband at risk for disease. And apart from the fact that it would be a sin, going with this other man also doesn't make sense based on just worldly morality and common sense. If the man left his wife for someone at work, why is he a quality enough man to marry? What would happen if he went to work somewhere else and met someone younger, or just newer or different? If he has troubles with his wife now, what makes you think that he would get along with you? If you had some marital troubles, why would you think he would be faithful enough to the marriage and to God to stay faithful while working them out? There is a reason if someone gets a divorce and remarries the chances of divorcing over and over again is much higher.
It doesn't sound like your relationship with this man is worth sacrificing your kids over, having them live in a broken home, either.
You also have to be careful about feelings. Feelings can be a good thing, but don't fall into the trap that tells you that if you are 'in love' that it is right. Amnon 'loved' his sister Tamar before he raped her. Then he hated her. Feelings can lead you astray. I heard a preacher once talk about how David might have felt about Bathsheba. He talked about men and how they justify leaving their wives based on how good the other woman is and how bad the wife is. He talked about ministers thinking how holy the potential partner in adultery is, and how they justify it.
I talked with a man who was housing a woman whose husband was into 'kink' as he put it and swinging. She participated for a while but wanted out. She was still married. This man was sleeping with her. He talked about how good their love was. He made it sound so holy and pure. I told him about 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' and explained what that meant. It was as if he'd never heard it before. He told me what church he went to, too.
What I learned from this conversation was that when you hold that person in your arms, it is going to feel good. It is going to feel right. You might even think it feels so good that it is from the Lord. If you have sex with someone you have feelings for, it may feel right. It may feel good. It might feel like the right way to go. But it can be a wicked thing. We don't judge what is right or wrong by feelings. The heart is desperately wicked, as the Bible says. But God also writes His laws on men's hearts. But if someone isn't living up to what the Lord requires, and says it feels right, we can know if the problem is the wickedness of the heart.
I think you should be looking for another job. If I were you, the struggles I'd be dealing with would be how to break it to my husband. You just have to do it. There is no perfect time. If the kids are asleep and he's awake, you may not get much better than that. Pray first. Be humble about it. Don't put any blame on him. You ask him for his forgiveness and be open to whatever steps he wants to take, and let him lay down any terms he wants and respect that.
If I were you, I'd also be consider if how and when to tell this other man's wife. That could be a way to help nip the relationship in the bud and protect both of you. He's already asked her for a divorce. But if you are out of the picture there could be a chance of him reconciling with his wife. You don't need to see him every day in the office, though.
Soulsearching
Member
Thank you kaygraham. As of now..it's looking like that is my only option. I don't know what god is gonna do with all of this. But I know he will be there like ALWAYS. I am planning to go away next weekend with him. I will have to tell him when we are not home.
Soulsearching
Member
President...you are right. My husband is a GREAT man and I don't deserve him!! I AM the one with the issues. I have ruined many lives. If there is anything I can do going forward to fix them I am. I actually stopped working there a few months ago we weren't always together as I was in administration and his type of work didn't require him to be in the office. He has already told his wife everything other than who I am. But he is convinced we are meant to be together and will be blessed...LOL...I just DONT see how. But he tells me god grace is enough to make it happen. It's hard to argue with that. (It is also eye opening when you talk about that couple and the similarity). Today I am meeting him to have it done and over with. I am famished. I am done. He will not convince me that we are meant to be together. I feel I strong enough. Gods orders are that I fix my marriage. That's gonna have to come first. I pray he will so the same.
Dear sister in Christ, I too have not got the answer as to what God will do, but regardless He will never leave or forsake you, and the reward is going to be forever. God is so faithful and I'm so thankful for the decision you've made to honor Him. God bless you and your family in Jesus' name, and I will continue praying for you.
Deborah13
Member
You are doing the right thing. I will keep lifting you and your husband up in prayer. God heals all things if we are willing. Blessings.
Obadiah
Member
This is true, you don't. You sinned against him and against God. But you know what? Jesus was a great man too, and neither you nor I deserve Him. Yet He still gave his life for us. If your husband is a Christian and is forgiving enough to keep you as his wife (it's true that he doesn't have to, by the way), don't beat yourself up about not being good enough for him, but rather thank God for him and put all that energy into being a good wife from now on. (And into some good quality Christian marriage counseling too!)
I can't see much of anything in this thread that I would hesitate for one second to go along with. Especially the part about ending it with this other man right now! Don't go away with him for a weekend, don't go out on a date with him, just end it now. If Jesus were to walk up to you face to face, what would he say? He wouldn't tell you to carry on with your adultery until it's a little more convenient to stop, would he? Read John 8 (the story of the woman caught in adultery that was going to be stoned). Jesus forgave that woman for her sin, but then he ALSO told her to stop her sin. And he meant to stop it right then and there.
Besides, as a man putting myself in the shoes of the man that you have been committing adultery with, I would rather you come out and tell me we are finished right away. No, I'm not going to like it and yes, I'm going to TRY VERY HARD to convince you of all my rationalizations for our sin and it's going to frustrate me to no end when you don't accept those rationalizations. BUT, that would be better then having you lead me on even for a day or two while you know what you have to do.
"Go and sin no more." (Jesus, GOD'S SON, John 8:11b)
Matthew G
Member
Soulsearching
Member
Just to clarify I was referring to going away with my husband and telling him. As for the other man...it is done. Never again. May God forgive me. May He see it that all 7 of our kids combined are covered in protection from all of this. The last year has been the most trying of my life. I lost the two most important people in my life (my parents) all of this happened and most importantly I walked away from everything I believed in. Thank you to all of you for loving me in Christ. Thank you for your words. Thank you for not passing judgment on me. My focus is to not lose aight of His promises. Thank you for reminding me of His mercies. That are new every morning. With out these reminders and the spirit at work...I honestly don't know what would be of our families tonight.
--Gratefully always.
--Gratefully always.
Obadiah
Member
Thanks for clarifying that. I DID think you meant you were going away with the other man for the weekend to tell him you were ending the affair! Please forgive my misunderstanding.
You are doing the right thing, and it is refreshing indeed to see a Christian who is truly dedicated to God to be able to face a decision like this, admit and confess your sin to God, and do what you know He wants you to do no matter how hard it is. And this could very well end up being one of the hardest decisions you have ever made in your life.
It is inspiring to me to see your faith and dedication to God. You and your husband are in my prayers. I don't know what he will do about this, but my prayer is that he will do what I was able to do when faced with the same situation he will face, and that is to choose forgiveness and healing over divorce. Perhaps this will end up being an opportunity for both of you (him too) to re-evaluate your relationships with each other and find new ways to grow closer again.
Soulsearching
Member
JLB I found a post on soul ties and I was floored..to say it describes my thoughts identically is an UNDERSTATEMENT. Thank you for sharing that with me. I finally had some sense made and I'm not crazy for what was running thru my mind. Thank you!!