22 mph

Discussion in 'Humor, Jokes, and Games' started by banded butterfly, Aug 13, 2017.

  1. banded butterfly

    banded butterfly Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2017
    Messages:
    232
    Location:
    In the hand of Jesus forever
    Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

    “Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

    “Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

    “But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.

    “Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
     
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  2. th1b.taylor

    th1b.taylor Member

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2010
    Messages:
    14,866
    Location:
    SE Texas
    Christian:
    Yes
    I haven't told that since I left the stage, 27 years ago and that is almost as good as this one:
    First of all, remember I have given every part of my being over to Christ and even my tongue can n longer lie!

    But I am sure, since I perceive you t be over 21 that you have hear how Traveling Sales men's Vehicles are forever braking down in front of the Farmers house, well, this one actually did. He got out of his restored '51 Ford Pickup Truck, lifted the Hood and looked the situation over and determined that if he had a Flat Tip Screwdriver and a Monkey Wrench that he could fix his issue. In the middle of Nowhere, USA, he looked in all directions and the closest he could see was a Wood Roofed house with smoke from the Pipe on the roof. He got himself through the Barbed Wire fence and crossed the unmown field for about a quarter of a mile, where he snagged his pants once more on the Barbed Wire. He wondered why the Santa Fe R.R. would place the track so far above the plane of the earth and on such a steep grade he struggled to get to the top of it and nearly sliding down it but just 500 yards more and he mounted the steps to the porch and he knocked on the door.

    When the Farmer opened the door the salesman explained his Ford Pickup had broken down and then he asked you wouldn't have a Monkey Wrench I could borrow, would you?

    The farmer said, "Öf course I have the and will loan them to you if you will promise to return them. The salesman promised and as the farmer handed the tools to him, the salesman asked him, "Do you know why the pig I saw on the way from the highway only has three legs?"

    "Why f course I do," replied the farmer, "why, that hog is my favorite piece of livestock on the entire farm. But if you want t hear why he is waling around on three legs you will need a good bit of patience because this is an important story. Last year my boy was swimming in that Stock Tank behind the house and he got all tangled up in them green vines that grow all over the surface. The only one that saw it happen was that hog. She leapt into that pond and chewed all those vines away from him and then grabbing him by the hair, she puled him to the shore, where she rolled him over and jumped up and down on his chest until she pumped out the water and started his heart again.

    The salesman could not contain himself and screamed at the farmer,"What, in the world, has that got to do with that hog only having three legs?"

    The farmer quietly said, "Son, I warned you to use patience here and if you will just hear the end of this. you will know why she only has three legs. He began again, "Last week I was hooking the seven bit plow to my Diesel Massey Ferguson Tractor and like an old fool I left it running in neutral with the shifter bouncing around, all over. Well, just as I slid the third pin into my Three Point Hitch, it bounced into Reverse, backed into the Seven Bit and stalled that engine. The drive tire was in the middle of my chest......I could not breathe....It was killing me! But that was seen by that hog also and she climbed the Super Structure of that Seven Bit and at the top, she leapt from there onto that metal seat where she like t have broke her neck trying t get a grip and not slide off. But she held on and then," The farmer made his right hand a fist and over and over pounded it into his left palm, "she began to pound her head into the gear shift until she knocked it int Neutral the tire rolled off of my chest and I could breath again, saved my life!

    The salesman exploded, "What has that to do with that hog not having a right rear leg?

    The farmer looked down at the Sandy Loam Farm Dirt and shook his head back and forth, crammed his hands into his pockets and kicked the dust with the the toe of his Brogan Shoe. Finally he looked up, looked up, puled his cap ff with his left hand and said, "Now son............ surely son... you wouldn't eat a hog like that more than one ham at a time?

    And my wife and daughter tell me that is the awfullest joke I have ever told and I love iy more than the three legged chicken story.


    ...
     
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