Advice so People Have 1 Marriage

[Kathi]

I think having the same faith and similar beliefs and values are more important than denomination in a lot of cases. There are so many denominations and one may be similar to one in one way and different in another.

Something I think is good general advice to any young man looking to marry is to marry a woman who believes a wife is supposed to submit to her husband and to stay away from radical feminists. There are other factors like if she actually has the type of personality to be submissive. Respect is another big issue. These are reasons you can look at her relationship with her father if she has one in her life.

I would think a match where the husband is egalitarian in his beliefs and a woman has a stronger complementarian/headship type belief about marriage would be a better match than a man marrying a woman who doesn't believe she should submit to him. The egalitarian can probably cope better with a woman submitting to him than a complementarian can deal with a wife who will not submit to him.


Let's say a man believes wives should submit to their husbands and he comes from a family where his father was in charge. He allows himself to fall for a girl with radical feminist views who professes faith in Christ, a spunky one who is a bit opinionated. There can be a clash there. Even a young woman who says she believes wives submit to their husband, but her personality and character is such that she is pushy and doesn't respect a male in authority (father, boss, etc.) could indicate a difficult marriage. Also, Proverbs warns repeatedly about a quarrelsome woman. If a girl argues a lot, gets bent out of shape over small things, expects a man to beg her for forgiveness for some imagined offense, that's a sign she may be difficult as a wife.

The Bible warns against associating with an angry man. Women need to be careful about this. If a man is prone to anger, that could make for a difficult marriage. If he's not in control of his temper, throws things, etc., those are some warning signs. If he is disrespectful to his mother who gave birth to him, how is he going to treat his wife after he's gotten used to living with her for along time? A wife is supposed to submit to her husband, so she should marry someone who she can trust to treat her well and to seek to do what is right before God and for her. Laziness or being irresponsible are big red flags. Also, a man should communicate the idea that when he marries, he's taking on a responsibility to care for his wife materially and in other ways.

A portion of your post concerns me and that is your importance that a woman "must stay submissive". It all depends in how far you are going to take it and how you look at it.A woman should not become a slave or used as a door mat because of that.Some men are actually like that.They hold it over their wife.That should never be the case.

 

[presidente]

A woman can be submissive without being a doormat. Something a woman can try to check out when dating a man is if he's going to be the type to plop down on the coach all afternoon and expect her to constantly get up to bring him Doritos and drinks.

 

[Edward]

A portion of your post concerns me and that is your importance that a woman "must stay submissive". It all depends in how far you are going to take it and how you look at it.A woman should not become a slave or used as a door mat because of that.Some men are actually like that.They hold it over their wife.That should never be the case.

While you do have a point and it is well taken, the bigger more important point that should be recognized is that, the Lord comes first. The man and woman are in a covenant relationship and if one or the other steps out of line with the other, it should not affect ones walk with the Lord. vengeance is mine saith the Lord and I will repay.

Humiliation in a relationship can be a very very hard thing to accept and deal with. but our walk with the Lord is the more important. If a woman feels humiliated or some such, spiritually speaking, she would be better off accepting the humiliation from man, rather than being humiliated in front of the Lord one day.

As hard as it may be.

 

[Kathi]

While you do have a point and it is well taken, the bigger more important point that should be recognized is that, the Lord comes first. The man and woman are in a covenant relationship and if one or the other steps out of line with the other, it should not affect ones walk with the Lord. vengeance is mine saith the Lord and I will repay.

Humiliation in a relationship can be a very very hard thing to accept and deal with. but our walk with the Lord is the more important. If a woman feels humiliated or some such, spiritually speaking, she would be better off accepting the humiliation from man, rather than being humiliated in front of the Lord one day.

As hard as it may be.

A marriage is about respect for each other.

 

[Edward]

A marriage is about respect for each other.

It absolutely is, but secondly, for anything that we do is according to scripture is done unto God first. I keep this in mind in my business, it's a good practice. I used to work for the customer and it worked well. but since beginning a walk with the Lord I thought about it and...I work for the Lord. My work is even better now, it's a natural inclination to do for the Lord better than unto man.

So should it be in marriage also. It's about respect like you say...but unto who? God or man?

 

[ReginaForbes]

I had to learn the hard way- be VERY CAREFUL about who you marry. First, make sure you respect yourself FIRST so you can walk away if the other person turns out to be abusive. Secondly, don't date a *fixer-upper*- you can be friends with them, but don't get into a relationship until they get their act together. Third, don't wear blinders and don't lie to yourself or make excuses- if he has a temper tantrum like a child when you're on a date with him, I don't care what he says, you drop him like a hot potato!!

 

[Mike]

CS Lewis wrote: "Every man who ever knocked on a brothel was looking for God."

That hit me hard. What he meant was men (and women) look toward people to complete themselves; to fill every need they have. Most of us on this forum know only God can give us full completion, but even we fall prey to this sometimes. One spouse looks at the other with regret and disappointment when it's not all the stuff of fairy tails, and s/he becomes convinced that fairy tail is out there if they just break the shackles of that which God established and move on.

I can't possibly know everyone's story, and I am in no way accusing anyone on this board of this. I'm just saying it happens a lot. People fail to depend on the Lord to fill the voids in their lives and blame their spouses when there are missing pieces.

Julie and I have been married 23 years, and we're still in this together, but I'll admit I lose focus in other areas of my life. Sometimes it's my career or our finances. Here's a prayer for everyone including me to begin today; that He guides us to not look at spouses, jobs or anything else to make us feel like our lives are complete. Each day let's form a posture to look only to our heavenly Father to do that. I truly believe many marriages can be salvaged from the wreckage if we look up and not over when it has not worked out the way we dreamed. Amen?

 

[reba]

 

[tim-from-pa]

Here comes ol' tim_from_pa with his snarky Sir Isaac Newton look to tell it like it is, but I don't think this advice is bad. This follows after the format "I have good news and bad news":

Good news: My observation shows that what makes poor marriages are the same characteristics that make the same said people perform poorly in other areas of life. In other words, it's something in the character of the person and it's not you, so don't take it personally (except you show your own character flaw by continually picking the same type of people to pair with). For example, a person having trouble with faithfulness probably would not think twice about dumping a friend or job at the drop of a hat, either. An abuser probably is noted by the town COPS for starting bar fights or discord at family gatherings, or a person who drains the family account and limits the credit card causing financial strain on the marriage is the same that racked up a whole bunch of debt before the marriage, and maybe has a mountain of unpaid parking tickets that the police are on the lookout for.... you get the idea. So, many of these people, unless they acknowledge their flaws are not really marriageable (and maybe not even employable) people.

The bad news: We all have character flaws, so we have to have discernment as to what a tolerable level is to stay married. Think of the Lord and all the crap he puts up with His church. If he were to run off every time we sinned, nobody would be saved. So that husband has a high tolerance. But one has to decide where to draw the line, and not be too critical lest that in itself is a character flaw. We have to be forgiving, and that raises the standards high. But for extreme cases, like severe physical/mental abuse, then I can see and understand splitting, as long as the abused does not go back to the same thing. (Which is why I get so critical of that when someone doesn't show enough self love to keep doing that to themselves effectively makes them doing the same thing in a sense, like passive aggression).

Remember the adage when you are fooled. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

 

[Edward]

married 23 years. Not sure if I know what I know now, have the same conviction now, same faith, I would do things a whole lot different.

who can bare up to the perfect spouse though? What qualifications should we put on someone?

Believe it or not, my wife and I still have Character flaws, not like before, but the more that God's shows and helps us fix, the more out of the way for Him to show again what needs fixed. Things that never came to our mind.

But and if thou marry, thou hast not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh: but I spare you.
(1Co 7:28)

What scripture tell us will happen if we get married? There shall be trouble. No matter how great the qualifications, the Word always comes to pass.

Now it's how we personally deal with that trouble that matters, because trouble will continue to come. Their qualifications does not depend on my ability to do things correctly in love as Christ loves the church.

Despite all a persons qualifications, they still have flesh, and still will bring trouble.

Blessings.

I wouldn't want a perfect spouse. Too boring. Besides, she'd make me look bad, lol. I don't even want a woman who I thought I could change. That's near impossible, and a sign that she's not the right one. Pick one that argues fairly, and doesn't make big things out of small things. Good communication is essential, especially in arguing. My dad's best advice for marriage to me..."Don't sweat the small stuff."

First ingrediant for a happy marriage; When you argue, and it turns out that you're right... Apologize at once!

Sounds backwards sotra, but think about it...love.

 

[Via Cassian]

A husband said:

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home.

She goes Tuesdays and I go Fridays."

 

[tim-from-pa]

A husband said:

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home.

She goes Tuesdays and I go Fridays."

Actually, that's how my wife and I are. Well, not specifically, but the idea is we give each other our space, as funny as your story is. To some couples this space may seem too distant, but it's OK for us. Neither of us like excessive dependency on the other, although I'm probably more helpless than my wife is without me. She keeps me grounded from my high, flighty ideas at times.

I noticed a lot of unhealthy relationships is when one becomes too dependent or even addicted to the other, thus smothering them. Then that smothered person starts finding someone else more attractive, cheating starts, and yada yada, same ol' story. And tragically, the dependent person is also door-matted and maybe the victim of abuse as well for being so dependent. This is why I get snide with those expressing these types of problems because they don't think enough of themselves to stand up. Now if I ever did anything bad to my wife, she'd smack my bottom with a board. And then she's probably say to me, "Do that again and I'll put a nail in the board next time". Now there's a woman any man can love and respect. And she's only 5'3" yet!

 

[Claudya]

Actually, that's how my wife and I are. Well, not specifically, but the idea is we give each other our space, as funny as your story is. To some couples this space may seem too distant, but it's OK for us. Neither of us like excessive dependency on the other, although I'm probably more helpless than my wife is without me. She keeps me grounded from my high, flighty ideas at times.

Sounds like a healthy and mature kind of love.
Often Christians understand the "one flesh" thing as becoming totally one. Up to, and including, things like using the bathroom at the same time. But if there's no personal space left and you do become like one person, the other person that you once fell in love with is gone and there is no "you" left for you to love and relate to. Always stay individuals, even if you share your whole life. Love and marriage does not equal symbiosis.

 

[tim-from-pa]

Sounds like a healthy and mature kind of love.
Often Christians understand the "one flesh" thing as becoming totally one. Up to, and including, things like using the bathroom at the same time. But if there's no personal space left and you do become like one person, the other person that you once fell in love with is gone and there is no "you" left for you to love and relate to. Always stay individuals, even if you share your whole life. Love and marriage does not equal symbiosis.

Yeah the one flesh thing is referring to their offspring where the son (daughter) becomes every bit an exact duplicate of both parents all wrapped up in one being. But the church seems to teach dependency on each other as its interpretation. As the apostle Paul stated, this is a mystery but he was also referring to Christ and the church, i.e becoming sons of God just a Christ (the Word) is every bit an exact entity and copy of the Father, in whom all things were created by Him, through Him and for Him. Speaking of the parents living thru their child! I heard of that many times. But of course Christ was pre-existant with the Father as the Word until he became the Son later on, so that's not really the same.

Also, I heard of one famous Christian host (now deceased) claiming that as a rule Christian couples choose the opposite personality I guess with the expectation the other person will somehow "complete" him or her (seems to encourage dependency). As a matter of fact, he seemed to indicate this was normal and the moment I heard that I realized why so many couples are screwed up (seemingly this is taught and expected). My wife and I are so compatible it makes one sick. We are basically opposite sex versions of each other, although I don't want to minimize that one over the other has some complimentary strengths to help the other as no two people are exactly identical. But what I mean is that we are compatible and similar enough to the point that we could have been siblings with identical upbringings. One Christian writer with more sense said that a guy who marries the next door neighbor girl would have better chances at compatibility since they are raised together, although with the diverse neighbors these days, even that doesn't work much any longer.

 

[Edward]

Sounds like a healthy and mature kind of love.
Often Christians understand the "one flesh" thing as becoming totally one. Up to, and including, things like using the bathroom at the same time. But if there's no personal space left and you do become like one person, the other person that you once fell in love with is gone and there is no "you" left for you to love and relate to. Always stay individuals, even if you share your whole life. Love and marriage does not equal symbiosis.

I think you're right, and I agree with you, however, the becoming one thing I think is taken too lightly or dismissed even by a lot of people who misunderstand it and don't realize how deep it is. I do think it's more than symbolic or sticking together through thick and thin, and being loyal. Symbiosis doesn't have to mean co-dependent does it? Co-dependency is not really a good thing for the most part, but can't it mean that they are but without the need for co-dependency?

When I was married, we wasn't co-dependent on each other, but there was a connection between us that seemed to be of a spiritual nature rather than merely fleshly. At one point, we could almost talk to each other without speaking, and we could always tell what the other was thinking. Sorta like ESP or something. It was weird but very cool. Weird meaning simply out of the ordinary. Have you ever experienced this phenomenon with anyone?

It wasn't one of those, you complete me things either. It's a little hard to explain, but I hope I have captured the essence of it.

 

[Marsha]

The best qualities in a potential spouse is finding someone with good character,intergrity,values and morals.Men look at the woman and what kind of a relationship she has had with her father.If it is a very bad one how did that affect her?Women look at how a man treats his mother.How does he react around other women?Does his eye roam when beautiful women go by?When you are dating(I say dating because it is a huge no no to live with someone) watch and observe him or her.Ask alot of questions and get to know that person very,very well.If red flags go up don't let your feelings get in the way if you can not live with what you are seeing then break off the relationship.Before you get married there are several serious questions that have to be asked to each other such as finances,children etc...

 

[Marsha]

The best qualities in a potential spouse is finding someone with good character,intergrity,values and morals.Men look at the woman and what kind of a relationship she has had with her father.If it is a very bad one how did that affect her?Women look at how a man treats his mother.How does he react around other women?Does his eye roam when beautiful women go by?When you are dating(I say dating because it is a huge no no to live with someone) watch and observe him or her.Ask alot of questions and get to know that person very,very well.If red flags go up don't let your feelings get in the way if you can not live with what you are seeing then break off the relationship.Before you get married there are several serious questions that have to be asked to each other such as finances,children etc...

You ask does his eye follow a pretty girl my husband eyes all the time specially young girls teens not so much woman these girls now days where tights for pants.. So how can you ask does he look at other woman most men do and lie about it.. With me I have no disire to look because I truly love him does that mean if he looks he dosnt truly love me or are you going to say its natural to look . I have no desire to look if its natural explain that please . I have been having deep gutted feelings..