So I'm 21 and my girlfriend is 23 and we have been dating for about a year and a half. We are really close and about as serious as a Christian couple can get before getting engaged. We both both believe and have decided to abstain from sex until marriage, which won't be possible until at least 3 years since we are both studying long degrees. I have no problem with this as my level of self-control is quite high and it is something that is very important to her. It's just that she has set boundaries on anything that might possibly lead to sex.. Which I can understand too, but I have been talking about it with two of my older, close non-Christian friends and this question came up: How can someone guarantee a happy/successful marriage if you don't know whether you and your potential partner are "sexually compatible"? Not that I want to go into the particulars of what that even means, but they seem to have a point. You hear of so many marriages that have failed, some of them being between people I really used to look up to as Christians, and you can't help but wonder... My mom nearly left my dad for this reason, and I am so grateful they've patched things up... But it's not exactly something I'd be comfortable discussing with them. :-S
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Boundaries
- Thread starter bbjk7
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Classik
Member
Dude, welcome to CF.net
You asked a good question. But I will ask you one question. How long should a guy/woman keep sampling the opposite sex to know if he/she is really compatible with him/her? ;)
assuming the first sample was not good, the second and third, fourth and fifth...19th, 20 etc...
Never listen to you friends -
people say, Marriage is a parcel. Get the parcel. Own it. Open it - whatever you see is what you get. But God already has a hand in every parcel ....just believe that He will direct you to the right person. And she's probably the one. Just pray, Trust and obey....
Hope Dora finds this thread
You asked a good question. But I will ask you one question. How long should a guy/woman keep sampling the opposite sex to know if he/she is really compatible with him/her? ;)
assuming the first sample was not good, the second and third, fourth and fifth...19th, 20 etc...
Never listen to you friends -
people say, Marriage is a parcel. Get the parcel. Own it. Open it - whatever you see is what you get. But God already has a hand in every parcel ....just believe that He will direct you to the right person. And she's probably the one. Just pray, Trust and obey....
Hope Dora finds this thread
First, don't pressure her, and do not make her fall. Respect the decision and the boundaries if it's important for her.
that each one of you know how to possess himself of his own vessel in sanctification and honor,
not in the passion of lust, even as the Gentiles who know not God;
that no man transgress, and wrong his brother in the matter: because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as also we forewarned you and testified.
1 Thessalonians 4:4-6
And also, although your sexual life can be a little weird in the beginning, God's purpose for sex is for the couple to strenght the marriage bows. So, you can learn a lot from it, even with a "not-so-good" start. It will be good, of course, but if some "sexual incompatibility" and with a little adjustments you can turn it into great stuff (you're a boy and she's a girl, hmm... it's supposed to be
).
Last, but not least. You DON'T NEED to take any action like kissing or something to "test-drive" now. When you both are comfortable, talk about it and about your expectations. And also, have a experienced couple as counselors.
Sorry the poor english, hope you can get the idea. ;)
that each one of you know how to possess himself of his own vessel in sanctification and honor,
not in the passion of lust, even as the Gentiles who know not God;
that no man transgress, and wrong his brother in the matter: because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as also we forewarned you and testified.
1 Thessalonians 4:4-6
And also, although your sexual life can be a little weird in the beginning, God's purpose for sex is for the couple to strenght the marriage bows. So, you can learn a lot from it, even with a "not-so-good" start. It will be good, of course, but if some "sexual incompatibility" and with a little adjustments you can turn it into great stuff (you're a boy and she's a girl, hmm... it's supposed to be
).Last, but not least. You DON'T NEED to take any action like kissing or something to "test-drive" now. When you both are comfortable, talk about it and about your expectations. And also, have a experienced couple as counselors.
Sorry the poor english, hope you can get the idea. ;)
If you love each other that much on the non-sexual side of things, then you make it work on the sexual side of things. Unless one person has no interest in sex whatsoever (in which they should probably find some other asexual person to marry if this is the case), then people should be workable. Marriage is about compromise and working together. If one partner isn't willing to take into consideration the needs of the other (within reason), that parter seems a bit immature and might not have been ready for marriage.
Along the lines you were mentioning, if you can't handle her tough restrictions, then either write down and think out before hand what you would like to talk to her about (and possible solutions) and then discuss the issue with her to try to get a compromise, or perhaps consider that maybe she isn't the one. The other option to consider is to have a small wedding now (maybe even do a justice of the peace deal with some family members present) and then have a big wedding after graduation. There are birth control methods that take a lot of the thinking out of it, like a small matchstick size hormone placement that goes on the female that can keep her protected for years without changing it (from what I've heard). Might be worth looking into. Also, perhaps consider some dates that have less alone time (go-kart racing, put put, skating at a roller-rink). It might reduce how much passion you feel to want to kiss her and etc.
Along the lines you were mentioning, if you can't handle her tough restrictions, then either write down and think out before hand what you would like to talk to her about (and possible solutions) and then discuss the issue with her to try to get a compromise, or perhaps consider that maybe she isn't the one. The other option to consider is to have a small wedding now (maybe even do a justice of the peace deal with some family members present) and then have a big wedding after graduation. There are birth control methods that take a lot of the thinking out of it, like a small matchstick size hormone placement that goes on the female that can keep her protected for years without changing it (from what I've heard). Might be worth looking into. Also, perhaps consider some dates that have less alone time (go-kart racing, put put, skating at a roller-rink). It might reduce how much passion you feel to want to kiss her and etc.
C
cupid dave
Guest
Why not get married and use safe sex until you are ready for children?
The actual marriage ceremony need only be simple and even secret from parents and friends, until you wish to formalize it later.
evesforeva
Member
I can't stand it when people say you need to have sex before you know you're compatible. I have had bad sex and good sex, and the main difference was communication. When we talked beforehand and during about what we wanted and what we didn't, we got a better sense of how compatible we were. I think it also helped to make us more compatible because we knew what each other liked. I have also had experiences when I talked with someone about sex, and we mutually decided that we didn't want to go through with it because our desires were different, no hard feelings. Since communication is so important to sex, if any of the people involved is not a good listener or not good with voicing their needs, the sex will be bad no matter what. I'm not sure if it's unbiblical to talk about sex before marriage, but if it isn't you should definitely do it. And if it's not, you can still improve your chances for good sex with your spouse by cultivating open and honest communication.
Okay, part of my mind (the foolish part, I'll admit) agrees that "they" have a point. Yet there is another part that brings the "Greatest Commandment" into the picture. We are told of the "two" but when we look closely...
We see that Jesus spoke of the Greatest and then concluded his teaching with that which demonstrates the proper use, the second, which is like the greatest. I wouldn't expect those who are not in love with God to have the same boundaries that His children do (or should).
We see that Jesus spoke of the Greatest and then concluded his teaching with that which demonstrates the proper use, the second, which is like the greatest. I wouldn't expect those who are not in love with God to have the same boundaries that His children do (or should).
evesforeva
Member
Not sure what you mean by that. Hoping it isn't derailment...
farouk
Member
Apologies; I thought I was responding to one of your posts on the other thread.
We were discussing the general topic of love tonight in fellowship, and on of the older guys was telling us that love is not about compatibility, rather it is about commitment. God certainly isn't compatible with us, we've wronged him so much. Yet he still loved us enough to die for us. So maybe you don't need to worry about being compatible with your girlfriend, rather just make sure you are committed to loving each other loving God in your journey together? Just something to think about, I'm not sure if that makes sense or if it's even relevant to your situation.