Cant get over truth about wifes sexual past

[theuscfan04]

Here's a post from a little over a year ago from me that I posted elsewhere, but the update is not good. Im feeling really bad and like I'll never get over this and that its not fair to me, or my wife if I cant feel Im In Love with her anymore and the feeling that I had I known the truth before we married I wouldnt have married her.I just cant help but feel that I want more than what I have, based on the fact that ever since I found out the # and graphic details, I am not In Love with my wife, even though I do and sure I always will love her. Can someone please help me!!

post from little over year ago:
My wife and I have been married for 7 years and I am dealing with some issues that I just found out about my wifes past a week ago. I knew she had a rough child hood(I'll tell a little bit), as she was molested by her step grandfather when she was 9 and when she told her mother, her mother (who has been divorced now 5x's) said she was lying and continued to make her go over to there house in which it continued to happen. Her mother informed her when she was around that same tender age, of how good sex was and that its important to experience many different men as there all different and she would tell her about how to give Oral to a guy and about her experiences with her boyfriends,..etc. My wife lost her virginity when she was 12 and I knew she had many partners and did almost every drug (cocaine, heroin, crack..etc)imaginable and got pregnant and had an abortion at 14, then tried to overdose shortly after. Her parents never told her they loved her and after when she told her father one late night coming home high, how many guys shes been with and the drugs she'd done, he just said simply, "dont do it again". She eventually became pregnant again and married at 17, then had a daughter just before she turned 18. This changed her life completely and made her realize that she would never let her children do nor experience what she did. She left and divorced her brief husband of 2 months after he beat her up while their daughter was an infant and I met her about a month later. We dated for 18 months then married.
The other night I was walking in the kitchen as she was on the phone with her best friend and I heard her say that "I quit counting after 100 and how she didnt remember half their names". She realized I had entered the room and changed the subject immediately. After she got off the phone I confronted her and asked what she was talking about, even though I knew deep down what it was. She broke down and I got furious and told her that, that was worse than some prostitutes are and that she should have told me that before we married, because if she had I probably couldnt have married her. She got so upset and cried for a good while and I stewed and tried to figure out how I could live with someone, or even make love again to my wife knowing how many men and how much she had disgraced her body, I felt so sick to my stomach, but I went and talked with her and told her I was sorry for what I said and told her we could get trough this. SHe then said that she had been having nighmares of the bad things from her past and she needed to tell someone and thats why she was telling her friend and didnt want me to know. She said that she intentionally dated bad guys (I guess because of what she experienced as a kid) and they would force her too have sex with their friends, for drugs, or just whatever and if she didnt they would hurt her, or kill her family. She said one time a guy she dated made her have sex with his friend because it was his Bday. She of course was tested before she had her first child for any diseases and is fine, but I just couldnt here anymore of it, to know that my wife was basically a prostitute. I was not perfect by any means and have been with my share of partners as well, some of which I hardly knew names, but nothing to that extreme. She is such a sweet, kind, beautiful woman and I just told her that I couldnt believe that "My Wife" could have been that disgusting and disgraceful to her body. She said that she didnt believe it happened either and that it was like she was living a double life and hardly remembers most of it, but that its all she was taught by her mother, to be a whor*,(in which we dropped all contact with a year ago, for her trying break us apart) and this was a way to get attention and affection that she needed, by doing bad things and her parents never tried helping her at all.
We have both been re-baptized and she now is such a prude, wearing long skirts and never anything revealing and she dresses her daughter the same. She homeschools our kids and she has said that she went through all she has for a reason and that she is sure that our kids will never have to experience what she had to because of what she went through, but at times she hears a voice telling her, "how can you teach your children to abstain and be good, when you were so awful".
My wife and I a year agao re-devoted our lives and marriage to God and have had the best year of our lives togther and I know because of how good we have been doing, this is why satan made her dream these dreams of her past, to try and shake our marriage and devotion to each other. However, I feel almost cheated because she didnt tell me this before we were married and cant get images out of my head, and wonder if I can ever truly look at her the same again and I feel guilty inside because the way I feel. I keep feeling as though I have two choices,
1)Leave, because its not fair to her for me to not look at her the same as before, because of what I know now?
2)Stay and let this eat me up inside and live a marriage of constant images and never look at her the same as before?
I truly Love my wife more than anything, but honestly think had she told me about this before we married, I probably would not have married her. I feel that our marriage up till now for some reason has been based almost on a lie, for some reason and again feel cheated. Cheated in the since that my wife shared herself with so many men and cheated because she didnt inform me of this before we feel in love and married.
Please help me rid my mind of these horrific images and thoughts and
save my marriage!

 

[heather]

uscfan

How sad a life your wife must have lived! First off, PRAY CONTINUOUSLY that the Lord will soften your heart to your wife. You loved her before you knew this, and she hasn't changed from the girl you've married, right? You're not being fair to her by judging her past. 1 Corinthians 14 tells us that love is kind, keeps no records of wrong, does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth and is not jealous.

I keep feeling as though I have two choices,
1)Leave, because its not fair to her for me to not look at her the same as before, because of what I know now?
2)Stay and let this eat me up inside and live a marriage of constant images and never look at her the same as before?

Remember that she was raised in an ungodly home with parents that didn't know how (or maybe didn't want) to show their love. It sounds like she had a Daddy-sized hole in her heart. It is not uncommon for women (or girls even) to try to fill this hole with other men. Hopefully now the Lord fills that hole in her.

The other night I was walking in the kitchen as she was on the phone with her best friend and I heard her say that "I quit counting after 100 and how she didnt remember half their names". She realized I had entered the room and changed the subject immediately. After she got off the phone I confronted her and asked what she was talking about, even though I knew deep down what it was. She broke down and I got furious and told her that, that was worse than some prostitutes are and that she should have told me that before we married, because if she had I probably couldnt have married her.

It sounds like you both have a trust issue going on in your marriage. She doesn't trust you with the details, and you've proven to her why she shouldn't. Our spouses are the ones we are to be most vulnerable with, not the ones who shoot us down. She knows in her heart that what she did was disrespectful FIRST to God, then to HERSELF, then to you. However, it sounds like you are in a similar boat because you didn't save yourself only for her.

I was not perfect by any means and have been with my share of partners as well, some of which I hardly knew names

God brought you two together for a reason, and according to scripture, if you divorce her, you are not only an adulterer, but you force her into that sin also. Talk about a pot calling the kettle black!

Seek a good christian marriage counselor and start to work out your problems together. Pray always that God will soften your heart. God has forgiven her, and has placed her sins against her body as far from her as the east is from the west... as deep as the ocean floor! If you truly love her like you say you do, you will learn to forgive her, too.

I'm sorry for the tough love, but someone had to say it! I'm not generally a harsh person, but she doesn't deserve this from the man who is supposed to love her UNCONDITIONALLY! Do not break your marriage vows. Do not separate the divine family unit that God has put together. You promised each other and the Lord that no man or woman would separate you until you die. This includes men from her past. I can not stress enough that you should PRAY about everything.

If you have any questions, let me know and I will try to help.
Heather.

 

[theuscfan04]

I appreciate your response and thats why I post on message forums my problems, so I can get feedback from others like you.
I guess the problem I no one else seems to think about from my perspective is that can you even imagine over 100 partners? Can you imagine your spouse with having been with that many? And to know that you live 30 minutes away from where she grew up and we travel there to the mall occasionally and not to mention visit her dad and stepmother quite often, but to walk through a store and wonder, "why is he starring at her, has he slept with her". And its happened several times and I'm left feeling worthless and disgusted when I look at her.
Is it a bad analogy to say what if your husband was convicted of rape before you knew him, but did his time and then you met and fell in love but he never told you about it, only to find out by overhearing him talking about it. How would that make you feel? Disgusted, cheated, used, trapped (especially if you had kids)?
At times I can handle in when I dont dwell on it, but that # will not go away and to think I probably couldnt even fit that many people in my house and that I try to add up how thats even possible, thats when my mind goes crazy and I feel disgust towards her. Ive read on message boards others who've had similar circumstances and one guy said he had been living with this for 50+ years and the hurt and images never go away, but I dont want toi be that guy and dont think I can.

 

[Timf]

Please help me rid my mind of these horrific images and thoughts and save my marriage!

There is a process of growth in the Christian life where we apply the cold light of truth on ourselves and almost "burn" away our self-deceptions, delusions, follies, pride and arrogance. Sometimes a Christian may try to apply this light of truth to others before he has applied it to himself and it can become a weapon instead of a surgical scalpel.

When you apply the light of truth to the life of your wife you should not see an evil or corrupt woman. You should see a wounded and scarred child.

I once talked with a woman who had been abused as a child. She had only mentioned the difficulty she was having in a current relationship (she was in her thirties). When I asked her if she had ever been abused, she was shocked and instantly concerned that something she had kept hidden had some how been discovered.

I told this woman that this type of abuse is harmful in more than one way. You have the damage done to the child, you have the lack of proper development, and often you can have a type of corrupt development. Occasionally the child can grow to use the behavior they learned as a type of manipulative tool in their lives to win affection.

You may have a therapeutic role to play for your wife. In this way you do not have to hide from what happened, but see yourself as a sort of post traumatic stress counselor. Girls who experience these sort things often have to both heal from the direct damage and learn to compensate for what should have been developing normally.

There can be a parallel to a tragic car accident. A person may not ever be able to walk again. They may be able to walk with a limp, or they may be able to walk with extensive physical therapy.

You have to change how you look at your wife. She is not soiled or damaged goods. She is a wounded child that needs your love and affection to rebuild as much of her life as she can. The way you describe your wife it sounds like she has almost recovered from the tragedy that was her earlier life.

Satan wants to destroy your home and marriage. You might want to consider developing a reflexive way to deal with images that come into your mind. If he plants an image of your wife with another man, you transform that image of your wife to a younger version of a helpless child. This is one way to apply the "cold light of truth". Satan is called the accuser. He will accuse your wife in your mind. You should accuse him by saying that what he shows you is not her crimes but his. In addition to rolling the picture backwards to when your wife was a child, you can roll the picture forward and see the woman she is today. You can see the transforming and healing power of the love of Jesus.

In summary the way to deal with these images is to transform them by the power of truth into what they really are, an indictment of Satan for his evil and a testimony to the redeeming love of Jesus.

 

[heather]

I understand how that can be frustrating. I don't understand your feelings because I've never been there myself. There's a good chance that 100 may be a little bit of an exaggeration. There may be a chance that it's not. As hard as this may be to do, you should really talk things out with her. That was her way of trying to overcome her pain as a child.

Tim brings up an extremely valid point. You need to see yourself as the healer for her and you need to recognize that Satan is the one putting those images in your head. I'm assuming (which I don't like to do often) that she has never compared you to another man or said another man's name while she was making love to you. If this is true, I would see that as her showing you that she loves you more than anything, that she is your perfect match. That should make you feel proud. Make a list of things that your wife does that please you. Include in this list things she does during intimate times. Does she tell you she loves the way you touch her? Does she kiss you in a special way or on your favorite place (like your ear or neck)? Is there a special gown that she wears when she knows it will be just the two of you? Look back on this list, and remember why you love her (and why you loved to make love to her).

I know it's easier for me to say to let the past go and work on the future than it is for you to do it, but honestly, praying will help. I pray that Lord brings healing, understand, and forgiveness to you and your wife.

 

[VaultZero4Me]

I dated a girl for over 2 years and was in a similar situation.

She had a rough child hood, and was very promiscuous as a teenager. I am not sure how many, but it was alot. I know what kind of struggle with yourself this can cause because I dealt with it throughout our relationship. I had the same feelings you had when she ran into people she knew, and had those thoughts go through my head.

It can destroy your relationship.

I told myself that it doesn't matter, that I love her for who she is now, and not her past, but my pride would get the best of me and I would find myself angry with her all the time, and treating her poorly.

After constant struggle I finally came to my senses and realized, that in this case, the problem was my own. If I truly loved her for who she is, the past should not matter. I decided my feelings and actions stemmed from immature male manchoism, and tried to correct myself.

We did not stay together in the end for different reasons, and I regret that we did not because she was a great person.

If you do not come to terms with this it will eat at your relationship and destroy it. You have to decide if your love for who she is now, is strong enough and worth getting over her past.

You are married to her now, not who she was then.

 

[LaMexicana]

I'm going to speak to you from the heart of a woman who has made many, many mistakes. I've made mistakes. Horrible, disgusting, shameful mistakes with men. I think I know what your wife is feeling or has felt. For so long I wondered if I was ever going to be able to find a man who would love me for my heart and not for my past. Not until recently, has God given me peace about my past and it was simply because I finally asked Him for it. I asked Him to help me stop feeling shame, regret and embarrassment for my actions. It still creeps up on me once in a while and I feel so ashamed of the life I lived but, fortunately, God is always there to help me realize that He does not see me through man's eyes, He only sees me thru His. He is a merciful, loving, forgiving God. Not only that but He is the only one that can change someone's heart.

I'm sure your wife has punished and judged herself enough and the last thing she needs is her own husband not accepting her. In the end, her mistakes are no different from yours or anyone else's. We are all sinners. We have all made mistakes. Fortunately, for us, God sent His Son to clean us. He sent His Son to give us a second chance. We are not above God, which means we too need to give others a second chance.

If you are a believer, which it seems like you are, then you should know God changes hearts. He can change yours as much as He has changed hers. All He needs is for you to give Him the go ahead. Don't let Satan have control of this situation and your heart. Let Him know that God is more powerful and God has the ability to change your heart and mind and save your marriage. Ask God to help you see her through His eyes, not your own human ones.