This is a long post, so I understand if you don't want to bother. It could also be seen by some as medically graphic in nature.
My husband and I tried for years to have a baby. After years, and two miscarriages, we decided to go to a fertility specialist and try IUI. I ended up pregnant with twins. From the beginning, my doctor said that me having twins made her nervous. I was cautiously optimistic, but when I got to my car after finding out it was twins, I felt a voice speak in my heart. "You know you won't be able to keep them, right?" I ignored it, chalking it up to paranoia after losing the first two pregnancies.
The first trimester went by without any problems, but as soon as I hit the second trimester I started getting sick. The hospital visits started. "Hyperemises Gravidarum" the doctors said, as they hydrated me and sent me home. I got vertigo so bad I could hardly walk. They hydrated me and sent me home. I had severe upper right quadrant (liver) pain and nausea. The babies showed no growth in the last 4 weeks. They hydrated me and sent me home. My resting heart rate was racing at 140 bpm, my bp was 220/160 and I started throwing up blood. They finally admitted me. I prayed. "God, if you have any love for me, any love at all, please don't take them."
I had teams of doctors and residents in my hospital room day and night. Obstetricians, toxicologists, perinatologists, hepatologists, all trying to find out what was going on. The blood flow to the babies was severely restricted. My liver enzymes were elevated, my platelets were dropping, my bp was through the roof - but being in the hospital and getting medicine made me feel better. I no longer felt sick, but my liver was starting to shut down, my kidneys were starting to swell, and every time they drew blood huge bruises would spread from the draw site. They monitored the babies heart rates every hour - both were strong in spite of being very small and having placental insufficiency. After 10 days, around 1:00 am, a doctor woke me up to tell me they were moving me to labor and delivery. He said we had to induce labor in the morning. I the doctors had come to a consensus that I had HELLP syndrome and had to deliver immediately if I was going to live.
The twins would die.
I fought against the doctors, I said NO. We are not doing this. My mom agreed with me, but she left me alone at the hospital to get some sleep. One doctor after another came in to convince me to induce labor. I said no - put me on life support if you have to, I won't kill my babies. I asked for a chaplain - surely they would side with me. My twins lives were more important than mine. The chaplain agreed with the doctors. The doctors said life support wasn't an option. If I didn't deliver within a few hours I would start bleeding internally from low platelets, and they wouldn't be able to transfuse it as fast as I would be losing it. I begged for God to please, please send me someone to stand with me - to support me in doing what I wanted - save the twins. A doctor came in and sat down. I told him I was 22 weeks 4 days pregnant. If I could make it a week and a half more they would have a chance at surviving. My husband was silent.
The doctor said "No, they won't. We might keep them alive for a day, or a few days, but they won't survive. They are too small, and if you had seen what I have seen in the NICU with babies too small to survive, and the pain they go through before they pass, you wouldn't want that for them either." Then he said it was irrelevant anyway, that I didn't have weeks, I didn't have days. I had hours. Then I would start to hemorrhage. There would be brain damage, organ damage. I would be bleeding from everywhere at once and they wouldn't be able to stop it. I was dying. My husband started sobbing and begged me to do what the doctors said. My last support was taken out from under me. I looked at him, betrayed. "You know what you just asked me to do? You asked me to kill our children." He said he didn't want to lose me and the babies. He didn't want to be left alone.
Finally, after arguing back and forth, I was weak, exhausted, afraid, confused, in terrible pain (emotional and physical) and I surrendered. I let them induce labor even though my soul screamed out against it. I prayed that if this horrible thing had to happen, that maybe God would take me with them.
I don't remember much after that. I don't know if I blocked it out, or if I was so sick I was really starting to lose it. What I do know is that hours later I sat up, in a moment of clarity. My water broke, it was time. Baby Adam was born before the doctor could even get into the room. He was alive, moving. Charlotte was still inside, kicking and fighting for her life. I could feel her. She was alive - she was strong. Moments later, she was born, but her brother had already passed. She followed soon after. I held them as they struggled to take their first and final breath, and failed. I held them as they turned cold in my arms.
My son and daughter are dead because of me, because of the decision I made. Maybe I would have died, maybe not. Maybe the twins wouldn't have made it in the NICU, maybe they would have. But I let them induce labor. In my weakness I consented to allow them to die. Nothing can justify that. I want to be forgiven, but I have blood on my hands, the very blood I should have died trying to protect.
Five months after I lost the twins I found out I was pregnant again. My son was born at 28 weeks gestation (3 months early) weighing 1 lb 15 ounces. He survived, and is now over 10 lbs and 7 months old. It makes me wonder if his brother and sister might have made it. A week and a half. That was all I had to do - live for 10 more days.
I know you might say all I have to do is ask and I will be forgiven. I don't think it's that easy. My dad is catholic, as is his whole family. My mom was Presbyterian, so I was raised protestant. Even so, I still have that connection to the Catholic church. From what I can tell, what I did was still considered an abortion, and its "medical necessity" is irrelevant. If I were a catholic, I would be excommunicated for it. So I am going to hell - both because I am not catholic and because I let them induce labor, knowing it would end the lives of my son and daughter. My protestant beliefs are inconsistent with what I picked up from the catholic side of my family. Saying I am sorry and asking for forgiveness doesn't seem to be enough. I am hurting, conflicted, and wracked with guilt.
I wanted so badly for them to live.
Sorry about the rambling.
My husband and I tried for years to have a baby. After years, and two miscarriages, we decided to go to a fertility specialist and try IUI. I ended up pregnant with twins. From the beginning, my doctor said that me having twins made her nervous. I was cautiously optimistic, but when I got to my car after finding out it was twins, I felt a voice speak in my heart. "You know you won't be able to keep them, right?" I ignored it, chalking it up to paranoia after losing the first two pregnancies.
The first trimester went by without any problems, but as soon as I hit the second trimester I started getting sick. The hospital visits started. "Hyperemises Gravidarum" the doctors said, as they hydrated me and sent me home. I got vertigo so bad I could hardly walk. They hydrated me and sent me home. I had severe upper right quadrant (liver) pain and nausea. The babies showed no growth in the last 4 weeks. They hydrated me and sent me home. My resting heart rate was racing at 140 bpm, my bp was 220/160 and I started throwing up blood. They finally admitted me. I prayed. "God, if you have any love for me, any love at all, please don't take them."
I had teams of doctors and residents in my hospital room day and night. Obstetricians, toxicologists, perinatologists, hepatologists, all trying to find out what was going on. The blood flow to the babies was severely restricted. My liver enzymes were elevated, my platelets were dropping, my bp was through the roof - but being in the hospital and getting medicine made me feel better. I no longer felt sick, but my liver was starting to shut down, my kidneys were starting to swell, and every time they drew blood huge bruises would spread from the draw site. They monitored the babies heart rates every hour - both were strong in spite of being very small and having placental insufficiency. After 10 days, around 1:00 am, a doctor woke me up to tell me they were moving me to labor and delivery. He said we had to induce labor in the morning. I the doctors had come to a consensus that I had HELLP syndrome and had to deliver immediately if I was going to live.
The twins would die.
I fought against the doctors, I said NO. We are not doing this. My mom agreed with me, but she left me alone at the hospital to get some sleep. One doctor after another came in to convince me to induce labor. I said no - put me on life support if you have to, I won't kill my babies. I asked for a chaplain - surely they would side with me. My twins lives were more important than mine. The chaplain agreed with the doctors. The doctors said life support wasn't an option. If I didn't deliver within a few hours I would start bleeding internally from low platelets, and they wouldn't be able to transfuse it as fast as I would be losing it. I begged for God to please, please send me someone to stand with me - to support me in doing what I wanted - save the twins. A doctor came in and sat down. I told him I was 22 weeks 4 days pregnant. If I could make it a week and a half more they would have a chance at surviving. My husband was silent.
The doctor said "No, they won't. We might keep them alive for a day, or a few days, but they won't survive. They are too small, and if you had seen what I have seen in the NICU with babies too small to survive, and the pain they go through before they pass, you wouldn't want that for them either." Then he said it was irrelevant anyway, that I didn't have weeks, I didn't have days. I had hours. Then I would start to hemorrhage. There would be brain damage, organ damage. I would be bleeding from everywhere at once and they wouldn't be able to stop it. I was dying. My husband started sobbing and begged me to do what the doctors said. My last support was taken out from under me. I looked at him, betrayed. "You know what you just asked me to do? You asked me to kill our children." He said he didn't want to lose me and the babies. He didn't want to be left alone.
Finally, after arguing back and forth, I was weak, exhausted, afraid, confused, in terrible pain (emotional and physical) and I surrendered. I let them induce labor even though my soul screamed out against it. I prayed that if this horrible thing had to happen, that maybe God would take me with them.
I don't remember much after that. I don't know if I blocked it out, or if I was so sick I was really starting to lose it. What I do know is that hours later I sat up, in a moment of clarity. My water broke, it was time. Baby Adam was born before the doctor could even get into the room. He was alive, moving. Charlotte was still inside, kicking and fighting for her life. I could feel her. She was alive - she was strong. Moments later, she was born, but her brother had already passed. She followed soon after. I held them as they struggled to take their first and final breath, and failed. I held them as they turned cold in my arms.
My son and daughter are dead because of me, because of the decision I made. Maybe I would have died, maybe not. Maybe the twins wouldn't have made it in the NICU, maybe they would have. But I let them induce labor. In my weakness I consented to allow them to die. Nothing can justify that. I want to be forgiven, but I have blood on my hands, the very blood I should have died trying to protect.
Five months after I lost the twins I found out I was pregnant again. My son was born at 28 weeks gestation (3 months early) weighing 1 lb 15 ounces. He survived, and is now over 10 lbs and 7 months old. It makes me wonder if his brother and sister might have made it. A week and a half. That was all I had to do - live for 10 more days.
I know you might say all I have to do is ask and I will be forgiven. I don't think it's that easy. My dad is catholic, as is his whole family. My mom was Presbyterian, so I was raised protestant. Even so, I still have that connection to the Catholic church. From what I can tell, what I did was still considered an abortion, and its "medical necessity" is irrelevant. If I were a catholic, I would be excommunicated for it. So I am going to hell - both because I am not catholic and because I let them induce labor, knowing it would end the lives of my son and daughter. My protestant beliefs are inconsistent with what I picked up from the catholic side of my family. Saying I am sorry and asking for forgiveness doesn't seem to be enough. I am hurting, conflicted, and wracked with guilt.
I wanted so badly for them to live.
Sorry about the rambling.
