Hello, I was raised by a Christian family. As a child and young adult, I always believed in Jesus. As I matured from childhood into adulthood, I ended up a bit on the wild side, pursuing my own pleasures in life, instead of God's. Fast forward a few years, I now have two wonderful children and have finally got myself and the both of them (it was always just the 3 of us, no father's involvement) into a good church. This lasted for a few years. I am not sure how it happened, actually I have a very good guess now that I am honest with myself, but doubt began to creep into my life. The more I would attempt to force the doubt out, it seemed the stronger it would get. It got so strong that it felt like a living, breathing monster trying to smother the life out of me. That's the only way I can explain it. It literally felt like my heart was being torn into. I would be in a near panic because I simply could not shake my ever growing doubt in God. Imagine losing your faith, the faith that you are desperately clinging to. The ordeal was not pleasant, needless to say. Obviously, I failed. Now that I can objectively look back on it, I can see why I lost faith in God. I handed myself over to the devil on a silver platter through the sin that was still in my life. Little things that I just wasn't willing to give up, things that I would justify to myself. Frankly, I put things such as smoking cigs before God when I knew that I should have disciplined myself. Instead, I ended up guilty of idolatry in choosing that before God. Now, I know the "why." More time passed, and I doubted God for a very long time. Actually, I was caught between my doubt in God and being mad at God for any number of things that we, as sinful human beings, are responsible for ourselves. Tell me how I can doubt the existence of God and still be ticked at Him. It's ridiculous. I am now 40 years old and both of my children are grown. I have found myself desperate to become a follower of Christ. I would have added an "again" to the previous sentence, but I am so confused. Was I a real follower of Christ if I left Him in the long run? I thought I was then. It is enough to make you want to pull your hair out in utter confusion. I've asked forgiveness, been reading the Bible, been praying, and have been trying my best to avoid the sinful things I had made habits of before. I fear that that simply will not be enough though. There are teachings and verses in the Bible that scare me to death. Hebrews 6:4-6 seems to be saying that it is impossible for someone like me to be renewed again unto repentance. So, am I forever lost even though I am desperate for God? 2 Peter 2:20-22 seems to be saying that I would have been better off had I not ever heard of Christ to begin with? Luke 9:62 seems to be saying that backsliders are not fit for Heaven? Is it then impossible to reconcile with God? There are numerous times the "chosen" and "elect" are mentioned in the New Testament. This makes me worry about not being one of the chosen. What if God has not chosen me for salvation? Am I damned to Hell because God has not chosen me to be one who is able to receive and keep salvation? So, so confused.