Frequency of intimacy in marriage

[Created2Write]

I agree. I think many women can get caught up in "all he wants is sex" thinking. Yes he definitely does want sex, but if it's ALL he wanted, there are far easier ways to get it. He wants sex with YOU and in most marriages ONLY you.

Right.

 

[Briseis]

We are still young and have only been married for 2 years, and I would say about once or twice a week. I dont know if that is considered often or not for a new couple, but I would be happier with every day. Its actually my husband who is never in the mood. So frustrating.

 

[former atheist]

We are still young and have only been married for 2 years, and I would say about once or twice a week. I dont know if that is considered often or not for a new couple, but I would be happier with every day. Its actually my husband who is never in the mood. So frustrating.

I have the exact same issue in my own marriage and trying to figure out how to get your spouse in the mood is extremely tricky and difficult. Especially when they just want to lay around reading a book, not to be bothered at all… especially before bed and/or after work... leaving exactly when to be a good time? Dinner??? nope... they have a full belly now and need to sit some more...


Then… when you decide it is best to leave them alone to their book... you are accused of not trying to get them in the mood before approaching them when they are not reading. I give up! :help<O></O>

 

[cleanfreak]

I have the exact same issue in my own marriage and trying to figure out how to get your spouse in the mood is extremely tricky and difficult. Especially when they just want to lay around reading a book, not to be bothered at all… especially before bed and/or after work... leaving exactly when to be a good time? Dinner??? nope... they have a full belly now and need to sit some more...


Then… when you decide it is best to leave them alone to their book... you are accused of not trying to get them in the mood before approaching them when they are not reading. I give up! :help<o></o>

How long have you been married?

 

[former atheist]

How long have you been married?

Only two years. I have a lot to learn about my wife still.

 

[cleanfreak]

Only two years. I have a lot to learn about my wife still.

I blame the wedding cake

No, seriously, being you are still newlyweds so to speak, is there any chance your wife is on birth control?

It may sound nuts, but my wife and I decided to wait on having children for at least 5 years after we were married to "enjoy" one another if you know what I mean. To be extra careful, she was put on birth control along with me wearing protection. Like I said, we wanted to be very careful.

The problem is, she starting acting just as you have posted and we found out it was due to the pills. She had them changed to a different type and it made all the difference in the world.

 

[former atheist]

I blame the wedding cake

No, seriously, being you are still newlyweds so to speak, is there any chance your wife is on birth control?

It may sound nuts, but my wife and I decided to wait on having children for at least 5 years after we were married to "enjoy" one another if you know what I mean. To be extra careful, she was put on birth control along with me wearing protection. Like I said, we wanted to be very careful.

The problem is, she starting acting just as you have posted and we found out it was due to the pills. She had them changed to a different type and it made all the difference in the world.

No, she is not on any birth control. Currently, maybe it is because we are very early along in our first pregnancy? However, that would only account for the past two months, not the first year and eight months.

While the frequency is at times extremely frustrating for me, I’ve heard that other couples are even less frequent. Maybe I should simply be grateful?

 

[cleanfreak]

No, she is not on any birth control. Currently, maybe it is because we are very early along in our first pregnancy? However, that would only account for the past two months, not the first year and eight months.

While the frequency is at times extremely frustrating for me, I’ve heard that other couples are even less frequent. Maybe I should simply be grateful?

Did you have sex before marriage?

and yes, always be grateful

 

[reba]

Speaking in general terms...

How women are treated all day makes a difference...

"Honey what about XYZ?" "what did you say i am watching a ball game"

I told you dear i dont have time to wash the dog....phone rings Hello. Hi Bob sure lets go.... hey babe i am going to play a round with Bob...

My sister is coming over .... AGAIN!

 

[former atheist]

Did you have sex before marriage?

and yes, always be grateful

If my background can help fill in needed information to allow you to give me proper advice, here it is brother:
<O</O
I was having intercourse with my very first girlfriend in high school. I was nineteen years old and she had turned eighteen years old. During this time I had considered myself an Atheist. Anyway, after we separated from three years six months during our senior year of high school, I had abstained from intercourse altogether and actually dating altogether for roughly four years or until 2005; the year she passed away in a car accident.
<O</O
From that point on I dated infrequently. I think I had only been with three other women before I met my wife. Anyway, I became a Christian at the age of 24; I was dating the daughter of a pastor at the time. She really challenged me and pushed my boundaries. She and I are still good friends. We keep in touch on and off as she is married as well, and lives in Mexico.
<O</O
My wife and I have been friends since High School. She actually knew, well, the girl I had dated then. They were friends. My wife and I had been dating a year before we decided we should get married. Early in our relationship we had intercourse, but abstained soon after to commit to being married.
<O</O
Anyway… that is as short as I could make it.<O</O

 

[cleanfreak]

If my background can help fill in needed information to allow you to give me proper advice, here it is brother:
<o</o
I was having intercourse with my very first girlfriend in high school. I was nineteen years old and she had turned eighteen years old. During this time I had considered myself an Atheist. Anyway, after we separated from three years six months during our senior year of high school, I had abstained from intercourse altogether and actually dating altogether for roughly four years or until 2005; the year she passed away in a car accident.
<o</o
From that point on I dated infrequently. I think I had only been with three other women before I met my wife. Anyway, I became a Christian at the age of 24; I was dating the daughter of a pastor at the time. She really challenged me and pushed my boundaries. She and I are still good friends. We keep in touch on and off as she is married as well, and lives in Mexico.
<o</o
My wife and I have been friends since High School. She actually knew, well, the girl I had dated then. They were friends. My wife and I had been dating a year before we decided we should get married. Early in our relationship we had intercourse, but abstained soon after to commit to being married.
<o</o
Anyway… that is as short as I could make it.<o</o

Did she act then about having sex as she does now?

 

[former atheist]

Speaking in general terms...

How women are treated all day makes a difference...

"Honey what about XYZ?" "what did you say i am watching a ball game"

I told you dear i dont have time to wash the dog....phone rings Hello. Hi Bob sure lets go.... hey babe i am going to play a round with Bob...

My sister is coming over .... AGAIN!

I know exactly what you are saying Reba, and for my part I try very hard to be useful and helpful. I will do the grocery shopping, do the laundry, dishes, and generally help out without being asked. I will even sit with her while she reads her book a couple nights a week and listens also to her TV program that I have no interest in at all.

We go to church together, we help out the community together, we have a date night once every week and I will often go do things like live plays and stuff like that, that I don’t really enjoy.
<O</O
So… I don’t understand the accusation that all I ever want is “sex”. My wife and I went to Garry Chapman’s seminar, “the marriage I’ve always wanted”. We took our “love language tests”. I scored high in physical touch and she scored high in quality time.<O</O
<O</O
Learning she fells loved most when I spend quality time with her, I have started to do my Bible reading time more in line with when she likes to read her novels. I will sit next to or in the same room with her and read to spend quality time together. But I don’t understand why quality time together can’t be mixed with sexual intimacy once or twice a week. <O</O
<O</O
*deep breath* She is an introvert and I’m an extrovert. It is difficult for me to get her to help me figure out what I need to do to better the situation. Every time I ask, the same reply is “you’re not doing anything wrong…” but does that mean I’m not doing anything right…? Women can be such a puzzle.

 

[former atheist]

Did she act then about having sex as she does now?

No. In fact, she was much more giving and into it. Even right after the wedding, the first couple of weeks were awesome. Then... we had a rough year. Almost as soon as the hunny moon was over we lost one after another. She lost a great aunt right before the wedding too. She and I had a lot of deaths in our families our first year, most we her side. It was rough on her and our first year was very stressful. This year is a lot less stressful.

 

[cleanfreak]

No. In fact, she was much more giving and into it. Even right after the wedding, the first couple of weeks were awesome. Then... we had a rough year. Almost as soon as the hunny moon was over we lost one after another. She lost a great aunt right before the wedding too. She and I had a lot of deaths in our families our first year, most we her side. It was rough on her and our first year was very stressful. This year is a lot less stressful.

Did she live with her parents before you got married or was she living on her own?

The reason I ask is my wife acted this way for a year or so after we got married. She lived at home before we got married and had a very close relationship with her Mother. All she was was homesick. Between that and the birth control pills, which took us a year to figure out, marriage was hell the first year........even though we dated 7 years before we got married.

 

[former atheist]

Did she live with her parents before you got married or was she living on her own?

The reason I ask is my wife acted this way for a year or so after we got married. She lived at home before we got married and had a very close relationship with her Mother. All she was was homesick. Between that and the birth control pills, which took us a year to figure out, marriage was hell the first year........even though we dated 7 years before we got married.

Yes, she lived at home. She lived with only her mother, and she was an only child. A bit spoiled, but I love her.
She never lived away from home, not until moving in with me.

I think all that can be done is to love like 1: Corinthians; to love without seeking my own way or insisting upon my own way. Truthfully, I just wish that also didn’t mean having to submit to my wife’s own way because I don’t think I will desire her attention in this area any less. At least, not for some time I would imagine.

How would I find out if she is homesick? How did you and your wife discover that?

 

[cleanfreak]

How would I find out if she is homesick? How did you and your wife discover that?

She has all the symptoms from what you are telling me. The only way to know for sure is to have a true heart to heart talk with her. This talk needs to start with prayer. Praying together is an awesome thing, and I recommend you do this on a daily basis.

I also recommend reading this book with her

http://www.amazon.com/Real-Marriage-Truth-Friendship-Together/dp/140020383X

keep your chin up, your best years are just ahead of you.

 

[former atheist]

She has all the symptoms from what you are telling me. The only way to know for sure is to have a true heart to heart talk with her. This talk needs to start with prayer. Praying together is an awesome thing, and I recommend you do this on a daily basis.

I also recommend reading this book with her

http://www.amazon.com/Real-Marriage-Truth-Friendship-Together/dp/140020383X

keep your chin up, your best years are just ahead of you.

I have nothing to lose by taking your advice... in otherwords > Thanks!

We were praying together before bed. I have to work on leading us into doing that again... I think I really needed that reminder!

Have a wonderful weekend. God bless!

 

[Briseis]

I know exactly what you are saying Reba, and for my part I try very hard to be useful and helpful. I will do the grocery shopping, do the laundry, dishes, and generally help out without being asked. I will even sit with her while she reads her book a couple nights a week and listens also to her TV program that I have no interest in at all.

We go to church together, we help out the community together, we have a date night once every week and I will often go do things like live plays and stuff like that, that I don’t really enjoy.
<O</O
So… I don’t understand the accusation that all I ever want is “sexâ€. My wife and I went to Garry Chapman’s seminar, “the marriage I’ve always wantedâ€. We took our “love language testsâ€. I scored high in physical touch and she scored high in quality time.<O</O
<O</O
Learning she fells loved most when I spend quality time with her, I have started to do my Bible reading time more in line with when she likes to read her novels. I will sit next to or in the same room with her and read to spend quality time together. But I don’t understand why quality time together can’t be mixed with sexual intimacy once or twice a week. <O</O
<O</O
*deep breath* She is an introvert and I’m an extrovert. It is difficult for me to get her to help me figure out what I need to do to better the situation. Every time I ask, the same reply is “you’re not doing anything wrong…†but does that mean I’m not doing anything right…? Women can be such a puzzle.

Wow, cleanfreak gave you a lot of good advice so I would just listen to him and ignore me. But wow, I am very surprised by your wife's behaviour. I am so much like your wife. I am an introvert and I read a lot and thats what I do most of the time. Just sit quietly while my husband is home. But you and my husband sound very different. My husband doesnt do any of the housework (but I dont mind because he works hard at his job and we both do our part to contribute), or attempt to spend time with me when he is home. He doesnt mind that I read. I havent taken the love languages test but I would guess I am very high in the physical area. As far as I can tell, my husband does nothing to try to put me "in the mood". But I always am anyway. I would have had no idea why your wife was never in the mood if it werent for cleanfreak's comment s.

As for my husband. I keep fearing that it is because I was a virgin when we married, and he wasnt, and maybe he doesnt find it very satisfying because I am doing something wrong. But that is probably just women's insecurities talking.