[__ Prayer __] get thru it...

[Christ_empowered]

Me, yet again. The neighborhood and small town taunting continues. --sigh--

At this point, I'm now officially labeled with/diagnosed with "bipolar I." My counselor leans towards "Schizoaffective." Whatevs. In the community, the label is "Schizophrenia," and...somehow...its all my fault, it seems.

Can't complain too, too much. No one will hire me around here, right now, so disability helps my parents and me, too, a whole whole whole lot. I'm thankful. I even get low co-pays on my psych drugs (now generic, thank goodness).

And yet...

I guess this is part of growing up, at long last. That alone was going to take a miracle, trust me. Anyway, Scripture makes clear that most of humanity, at any given time, is on the broad road that leads to destruction. I'm not, now, but that's only because Jesus showed me some much needed mercy and compassion and I got genuinely, bona fide saved (miracle!) a bit less than 5 years ago. Along the way..

...I've been transformed, both inside and out. I desperately needed all kindsa transformation, so...I'm increasingly thankful. These taunts and such...clearly, get old. My face is much better now. Why was I so homely? Well, looking back...I suspect inadequate nutrition, from a young age. The world clearly could not possibly care less...."u-g-l-y: you ain't go no alibi....you UGLY!," as the chant goes, right? Right.

So, now I'm a decent height (5'10, maybe 5'11...not tall, but tall enough...), whereas before I was 5'7, homely, prematurely aged, obviously brain damaged, etc. etc. etc. Oh, and I was expected to be "dead by 23." I recently turned 33, Praise God (!!!), healthier than ever.

Rambling...I guess I'm just asking that y'all pray that The Lord will give me what I need to grow up and mature (more) fully, and that includes dealing with this small town pariah stuff. The Lord has seen fit to go above and beyond for me, which is...great, for my family and for me...and also...clearly unexpected, to say the least (at least...from most other peoples' perspectives...).

At this point, it seems to wax and wane. Last night, I was out at my little table, my parents have for me, out in the back yard, having a cigarette...and dudes were --yelling-- . I mean, I could hear bits and pieces thru the MP3 player on my phone. Stuff about my sexuality, stuff about my psych history, blah blah blah.

There's a lot going on here that doesn't really have to do with me, personally. My parents are/were upwardly mobile, to a point. They seem to have "arrived" at this point...for this area, they're considered "upper class hippies," LOL. A lot of what I was subjected to--especially coming from the Mental Health, Inc. people--was related to their/our social class (in the land of Mental Health, Inc. you get about as much compassion as you can afford and/or "deserve," based on status...). So...yeah. These same people laughed about me being a "passed around f@ggot," "trailer park f@ggot," etc...

...and now my parents are more affluent, they're clearly supporting me, etc. Good for me, I'm thankful, and...wow. I really "bring out the demon in people," or so it seems.

OK. I --am-- finished, for now. Please keep my family+me up in prayer. Honestly, I'm beginning to think they're growing tired of this neighborhood, maybe even this whole town. I can see why, of course.

Thanks.

 

[Windsong]

God bless you and keep you, as he always has.
If you are ever taunted by cruel people the best way to deal with that in my experience is to look at them and smile as brilliantly as you can. Mean it. Bring joy of Christ from the inside where holy spirit dwells outward into that smile. And then looking those person(s) in the eyes say with genuine joy, God loves and forgives! And so do I. Then stand and wait to see what they say. Don't speak and leave. You could be the sign someone needed to show them God is real. Because if they knew that already and lived the peace of Christ they wouldn't taunt someone who has an infirmity. When they are openly cruel I see that person as their inner spirit making them do that because it is the only way it knows how to cry for help.

Shalom aleikhem,
Windsong

 

[Christ_empowered]

thanks. I'm getting better with everything, I really am. When I first got saved, I was --such-- an anger ball. I mean...there were other problems there, too...pride, self-love, bitterness, lotsa stuff...but the anger...whoa!

Anyway, by God's grace, I'm far less angry now. I pray for all my enemies, those who despitefully use me, and those who speak all matter of evil against me falsely daily. That's --clearly-- God's work in my life, cuz...whoa. Like I wrote above, I was angry, angry, bitter individual.

It gets extra rough because...usually, they do it where I can't see them. My parents have a bigger yard in this neighborhood, and over the years, they've put up all kinds of additional trees, flowers, shrubs, etc. So, its easy for people to yell out at me, especially at dark, and be ridiculously cruel...and I can't even see them. Ugh.

It was worse when I first moved back in with my parents. I sleep in a downstairs bedroom, with 2 windows that face out to the side of the house. More than once, dudes were out there, at night, saying creepy things..."he'll never recover from WHAT I DID TO HIM" and "yup...that faggot got passed around," etc. etc. etc.

The last time that happened was maybe a month or two ago...4ish AM, I'd woken up a bit earlier, some rednecks (probably drunk) were yelling about "they're gonna SERVE THE WARRANT!" and "I told you he'd be in jail by the time WE GOT THROUGH WITH HIM!," etc. Fun times.

Thankfully, my parents and I have reconciled, by God's grace, so I told my dad about that last incident...hasn't happened again since. Ugh.

OK. Thanks for your reply, and please do pray for my family+me, too. Thanks.

 

[Eugene]

Please keep my family+me up in prayer. Honestly, I'm beginning to think they're growing tired of this neighborhood, maybe even this whole town. I can see why, of course.

I do hope you're aware that your request here is ongoing. How do you feel about them moving, and you all having a new start? and I do think that your Federal SSI goes with you. Just for your own peace of mind, have you ever considered trying to sleep in another part of the house away from the area where you can hear your neighbors? It is at that time you can discern for sure that it is not a part of the illness alone that is affecting what you think you hear, and a possible adjustment in your medication by your counselors, or whatever may be in order. I say this because I think in the past that you said your parents had never heard the taunting by your neighbors.

 

[Christ_empowered]

hi, Eugene. thanks for yet another excellent reply.

I think the meds are about where they should be (?). I'm on a slightly reduced dosage of Abilify. I was on 30mgs/day, the biggest pill they make and the usual maximum dose. I'm now on 20mgs/day. Kind of a big reduction in one step, but it was actually the psychiatrist at the clinic who brought it up. Keep in mind that 10-15mgs/day is a typical starting and maintenance dose for Bipolar I and Schizophrenia, Schizoaffective.

Other than that...I'm really hoping that my parents and I will move away from here, eventually. Their house is great now...it was a --major-- fixer upper when they got it all those years ago, but now...awesome. At the same time, I think they feel they've "out-grown" this house and maybe even the town, too. I see how my dad looks over at that one set of neighbors from time to time, and...yeah. Plus, from hearing my dad talk about it, it seems that they've put so much into the house already that doing more will not=more $$$ when and if they sell. So there's that, too.

Ugh. "Warrants!" and such...it gets to me, more than it should. Being called all these names and such, well...it gets to me, too. I do realize that was I wretched, thru and thru. Its also hard to deal with knowing that the psychiatrists completely and totally destroyed me, before I was even 21 years old...and lots of people found that amusing.

I don't know what to do about anything. I've been consumed by the past a bit too, too much lately. I'm trying to get out of it. Its interesting...I --was-- obviously, severely brain damaged. Now, my IQ estimate is up to snuff and I function much better, etc., but...wow. This is apparently what "mental illness" is, and I have it a lot easier than most people.

Its just...people around here are vicious, cruel...people went out of their way to "make an example" out of me back in the day, and the cruelty never stopped, not until I got saved out on bond and then The Lord saw fit to bless me. Now, I highly doubt I can ever become even a fringe member of this community.

10 years ago at this time, I was in another part of the state, at college. I was also...probably dying. Fun. Too many drugs, questionable nutrition, HIV, too many cigarettes....good times, lol. The Lord spared me, and I am increasingly thankful. I've never taken a single treatment for HIV, and I'm now remarkably healthy. Clearly, God has seen fit to show me incredible mercy and compassion, and I'm thankful. And yet...

...the way the world is, I'll never escape the "passed around f@ggot with AIDS" label, at least...not around here. Boom. It is what it is. Oh well.

Thanks again for your support, prayers, replies, etc.

 

[Pegasus]

...I've been transformed, both inside and out. I desperately needed all kindsa transformation, so...I'm increasingly thankful.

Brother in our Lord Jesus Christ....stick with the above. It is "manna" from Heaven.

Flee the people offending you, pray for them and let God's Mighty Hand shape these tormentors. Christ has transformed you dear brother...He is a lover and pursuer of His Sheep.

And may the Grace and Peace of our Lord Jesus Christ lead you in all things.

God Bless!

 

[Christ_empowered]

me, yet again.

ugh. what to do? in this neighborhood...I don't think that taunting will --ever-- stop. I'm not saying The Lord won't make a way for people to mellow out and such, but...I've lived here, at my parents' house, for going on --5-- years now, and...whoa. I guess its just the nature of the situation.

its funny, how labels and stigma work. the --truth-- is that, by God's grace, I have been spared a felony (I have a serious misdemeanor, though...), I'm off probation a good bit early, I'm healthy, I'm smart enough for my goals, etc. And yet...

...I'm openly taunted about "felonies" and such, by people who have never spoken --to-- or --with-- me. even as recently as july 4th, one set of neighbors were laughing, taunting me about "getting you on a PROBATION VIOLATION!" keep in mind, by then I'd been off probation over 6 months.

it just.keeps.going.

you know how for a while there, the media was talking about the concept of the "school to prison pipeline" ? Yeah...I think its real. I also think there's a very real "school to psych ward pipeline," but nobody wants to talk about that, it seems. As part of what the mental health people call my "recovery," The Lord has seen fit to give me some memories back. Keep in mind; I did drugs (they were prescribed, by slack docs, but...yeah...), I was bashed on the head, I was heavily electroshocked (I didn't sign up for that, lol), etc...so, this is clearly a Divine act of mercy and love. OK...

...wow. when you're trapped in a public school, and even the teachers decide to make your life difficult, starting around the 8th grade...good luck, kiddo! And then the shrinks get involved, and --everything-- about me is thoroughly labeled and condemned, in DSM-speak, of course.

Looking back, I had problems from a young age, many of which --were-- physically rooted. I also started hearing whispers at 15, full on voices now and then at 16. the "experts" who treated me back then have me down for...narcissism, oppositional defiant disorder, "malingering" (apparently, I just wanted attention...), all kinds of things. my records contain loads of inaccuracies. I told the counselors, psychiatrists what my parents did for a living. they put me down for "pathological liar" and said I had "upper class pretensions." right. my parents were flat broke, straight outta grad school when I was born...

...and they're well-established, somewhat affluent, professionals now. upward mobility was once an accepted part of life in America, but...hey, in this community, I'm expected to know my place because I was a "working class loser, with an attitude" in the 8th grade. predictably, a lot of the "mental health professionals" I dealt with before Jesus saved me and transformed me did (and continue doing, also) what Mental Health, Inc. does all too often: enforce the social order, using labels, drugs, shock "treatment," etc. etc. etc.

and yet...I cant act as if all this "mental illness" stuff is 110% myth. I don't like hospitals, obviously. I haven't been in one in nearly 10 years, by God's grace. I take a tranquilizer, plus a ton of vitamins, and...I do a lot better than I would/do otherwise.

rambling, yet again. I --am-- blessed, beyond measure. transformed by Christ, inside and out. I just...well, I want to somehow find a way to get through all this and grow up a bit more, and maybe one day...bring in some of my own income, maybe (?). a serious misdemeanor in my case was+is a blessing from God, but its still going to prove a barrier to many, many jobs. writing for income...well, ive been writing, its fun, but the odds of making a living writing are slim. I read somewhere, that on average, writers who get paid make sweat shop wages, when you figure it out on an hourly wage basis. I'm also labeled and stigmatized to the max 'round here, so...even jobs that might give a green light w/ my record won't, for me.

so...yup, yup. blessed to be alive, healthy, forgiven, transformed...living with my (kind, loving) parents, safe and saved+set free, in Christ Jesus. blessed to receiving disability, especially with the health coverage component. get this; because of budget cuts to the community mental health services and such, people w/ very little $$$ are being hounded to pay their bills for treatment. one of my former shrinks at the clinic told me that she had patients who had to choose between buying their psych drugs and getting food. ugh. can't stand it. I'm blessed that I'm not living/existing like that, but it makes me angry, you know?

ok. I'm finished, for now, lol. thanks, yet again, for the prayers, support, replies, etc.

 

[Eugene]

I'm finished, for now

I reckon that's better than saying you're done in.

 

[Christ_empowered]

lol. yet another good response.

sorry to rehash, yet again. Its like...have you ever read The Great Divorce? There's this part...its a metaphor for the Christian experience...where some of the characters experience pain, even walking on grass, as part of "becoming real." Hmmmm....

...life goes on. More importantly: take up your plow and push forward. Jesus said something to that effect.

I'm blessed beyond measure, forgiven, washed and made clean. I was fully expected to be --dead-- 10 years ago, and now...I'm very, very much alive, in Christ Jesus.

I think I need Christian friends, but I don't know where to find them, especially since I'm an apparently "high functioning" mentally ill person living w/ my parents, on disability, and I'm also not heterosexual. I mean, I'm not a flamer now, and I'm out of the gay world, but...yeah. Work-in-progress, most definitely, but...The Lord's done a mighty work already, and I've only been genuinely saved (and that by a miracle--maybe its always a miracle whenever anybody gets saved?) for a bit less than 5 years.

Ugh. labels, stigma, all that jazz. "I get no respect!" Yup. That's me, too...and I don't know where to go for friends and fellowship. I get more social interaction here, living with my parents, than I would otherwise, so...I'm definitely thankful for that (and for them, too), trust me.

thanks for your patience, Eugene. The Lord must have a plan for my life...otherwise, I would have been dead and gone a while back.


thanks again.