Guidance in being a submissive wife.

Discussion in 'Parenting & Marriage' started by PLFern, Jul 26, 2016.

  1. PLFern

    PLFern Member

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    Good morning!

    I see another similar thread on this topic, however my circumstances are somewhat different and are (arguably) very painful to talk about publically

    I have recently been brought back to my faith in the Lord, after having been astray for many years. During those years my relationship with my now-husband has been...tremulous, at times. We have a cultural and familial barrier that has caused me no small measure of heartache, and I have had issues stemming from my childhood and abuse that I spent years trying to bury and self-medicate with alcohol and other distractions.

    I realize I cannot live like this anymore, nor can my husband live like this. I know it pains him to see me struggle, so I am taking measures to repair myself and live as a healthy, happy, well-adjusted person (therapy, church, fellowship, bible study, to name a few).

    I know that one of my main issues is control. I always feel the need to be in control and I know this is not healthy or the way it is supposed to be. But I am finding it to be extremely scary to let go. I feel like I will be losing my autonomy and that I will lose the things that make me "me".

    At the same time, I know that my husband has been stressed out and feeling as if he has no control or say over things in many important ways, so I know that now more than ever I need to step back from the selfish nature and embrace the plan that has been set forth and that I have been too stubborn to accept until now.

    I am hoping someone can provide me with guidance and insight into this situation, and perhaps steer me in the right direction.
     
  2. Eugene

    Eugene Staff Member Moderator

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    Dear Sister PLFern. Regardless your shortcomings you are bought with a price and belong to God, The very want to return to His leading is the direct intervention of God as we read in Php 2:13 For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure. To continue to ignore the small voice inside wanting the very best for your life can have very real consciences.

    You say you are not happy being stressed out, and even King David uttered these following words in his similar sufferings: Psa 51:12 Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. Now this is the very man God said the following: Act 13:22 And when He (God) had removed him (King Saul), He raised up unto them David to be their king; to whom also he gave testimony, and said, I have found David the son of Jesse, a man after mine own heart, which shall fulfil all my will. ( Can this be you also? God must have had pretty big plans to have given Jesus to die for you.)

    First of all, just as with near everyone on these forums, God has been conforming you into the very image of Jesus (Rom 8:29), and you are certainly not alone in the trials you're facing (1 Pet 1:7).

    Without bogging you down with all that could be said, I'll leave the following scripture guiding us into a spiritual life with our spouses.
    Eph 5:21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
    Eph 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
    Eph 5:23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
    Eph 5:24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
    Eph 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

    Blessings in Christ Jesus. :wave2
     
  3. PLFern

    PLFern Member

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    Thank you for this. I agree with the sentiments and thoughts displayed here. I am just struggling with reconciliation. By that, I mean how do I reconcile my mistakes with my desire to be a better wife and person?

    I know that the way I live now is damaging and will inevitably ruin everything I hold dear. But part of me feels like maybe that's what I deserve as penance for all of the wrong I have committed.

    My husband deserves a wife who cab listen to him, guide him, laugh with him, and have a gentle heart. I feel like I have so much ugliness inside of me, and I don't know what to do about it.
     
  4. LovethroughDove

    LovethroughDove Member

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    If you feel forgiven by God, you will start to forgive yourself. The ugliness of how you feel about yourself will start to ease. Give your husband some credit to give you some time to figure this out.
     
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  5. Eugene

    Eugene Staff Member Moderator

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    Sister PLFern, you state what you would like, and there is no reason not to have that in Christ Jesus. That is a righteous want, and God would have you and your husband remain as one. You also mention penance or self punishment, and yet our LORD has taken our sin so much that He cannot remember it. (Psa 103:12).

    I suggest that you grow in grace and knowledge of Jesus (2 Pet 3:18), gain the faith that comes only through God’s word (Rom 10:17), and God will heal you and your marriage. I say this on the authority of nearing my sixtieth wedding anniversary. But for God’s mighty love and grace toward us we would have failed a thousand times. I can assure you that our love of one another and need grows deeper than the day we wed. You too can realize those same satisfying years as you give your lives unto God.

    Mar 11:24 Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them.
    May God richly bless you in Jesus' name.
     
  6. th1b.taylor

    th1b.taylor Member

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    Always, and I do mean always, check it with scripture. The most commonly used and misused passage is Eph. 5:22 but you see, this command is continuous through verse 33. And the husband, the God-like husband will die to defend his bride. The submission thing is a very involved process and it is, truthfully, not a fifty/fifty maneuver! No, it is a one hundred and ten/one hundred and ten percent work of love. Just as when I was a professional soldier willing to die for my country, I will block any death blow from my bride who has remained my bride for these twenty-five years, this November.

    The good part is she feels the same way about me and that is what the submission passages are saying and not anything else, it is true love and requires one hundred and ten percent from both parties, all of the time.
     
  7. PLFern

    PLFern Member

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    I appreciate your perspective. I think I struggle with expecting 110% of my husband when my actions have hurt him so grievously in the past. Neither of us are blameless, but we are both working towards better trust and communication. I have been finding myself praying throughout the day for guidance, and for peace for not only my own inner turmoil, but for his. He says he sees and appreciates my efforts, but I don't want them to simply be efforts - I want them to be LIFE. He is a good man who deserves that much from me.
     
  8. PLFern

    PLFern Member

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    I hope so. My therapist says I run too headlong into my feelings, that my mind is in overdrive and I need to learn to stop that.

    I have trouble with those feelings, though, but I am trying to improve daily.
     
  9. PLFern

    PLFern Member

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    I struggle with penance/self punishment a lot. I am trying to learn to be kind to myself so I can, in turn, be kinder to others. But I am so critical of myself and there has been so much negatively in my life. It is hard to reconcile that those negative experiences in my life were Gods plan. And the sins I have committed that have hurt others - was that part of the plan? It's all so hard to figure out.

    I want to live a more peaceful, honest, true life where I don't feel like I am being swallowed by blackness. I know I have good to offer my husband, and to the Lord, so I am trying to dig deep and find that. But pain is hard to shake off, especially when you feel weak. I find it hard to talk about things sometimes because I fear being judged or abandoned due to the things I have done.

    Thank you again for your encouragement, and congratulations on 60 years.
     
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  10. th1b.taylor

    th1b.taylor Member

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    And both of you need much prayer... and may God bless your trials.
     
  11. PLFern

    PLFern Member

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    Thank you. Prayers are always necessary, and I find I feel better when I can focus and give my problems up to the Lord. I know I am heard and will be received.
     
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  12. th1b.taylor

    th1b.taylor Member

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    Always, He is always faithful and never turning.
     
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  13. LovethroughDove

    LovethroughDove Member

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    I find it very positive that you have a heart that wants to improve. That is a big part of the equation. :thumb
     
  14. PLFern

    PLFern Member

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    Thank you. Improvement is my main goal, as well as strengthening my marriage and my husbands sense of esteem and worth as a spouse and person.

    I know I have a lot to work through, still, particularly when it comes to the "Why?" questions. I feel like my chances were slim from the start - there was a lot of abuse I endured as a child that contributes in part to my anger, irrationality, depression, abandonment complex, and impulsiveness. I am feeling more at peace the last week, but it is a long road and I am terrified I will slip up. I just want to be healed and not burdened.
     
  15. PLFern

    PLFern Member

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    I will also say, though, that since I have stopped snapping at my husband when I am flustered or feeling uncomfortable, our communication has vastly improved. He has told me that he feels closer to me as a result and is happy that he married me. When I start having moments of self doubt I have been praying and thanking God for his patience, his hand in our life, and that he continues to lift my husband up. For my own self, it is continued motivation to see the benefits of compassion and not being so quick to jump into my own negative spiral at 80mph.
     
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  16. LovethroughDove

    LovethroughDove Member

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    You know how a lot of people say, it's not where you came from........it's where you are going. That is how it is with God. He will transform you into the person that you are going to be in the future. You may slip up a lot until you get there, but don't give up on him and he will keep you on that path.
     
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  17. PLFern

    PLFern Member

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    Thank you for the encouragement. Do you have any related scripture I could study tonight?
     
  18. LovethroughDove

    LovethroughDove Member

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    Here you go.
    Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

    2 Corinthians 1:3-7 This scripture will tell you that Jesus suffered more than we can imagine, so he will comfort you in your sufferings.

    Also, reading anything Jesus speaks in the gospels......that is always food for you soul. :)
     
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  19. PLFern

    PLFern Member

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    I have been thinking a lot about this post, and what it means to subject to my husband. In your own thoughts on the relevant scripture, what does that mean? I am trying to better follow the path I feel has been set out for me and to live my life as a more wholesome, spiritual, fulfilled person. What would your wife say it means to her? And how do I identify my weaknesses as a spouse and turn them into strengths?
     
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  20. Eugene

    Eugene Staff Member Moderator

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    Dear Sister PLFern, thank you for your reply and questions. God is indeed working in you to will, and to do of His good pleasure (Php 2:13).

    I will first reveal the woman being spoken of in Eph 5:22 is not only a perfect recipe for good marriages which many suppose to making the wife a slave as it were to her husband; no, a wife and husband have become one and the same love we are shown by God to us is relevant between us. Eph 5:21 makes this more clear: Submitting yourselves one to another . . .

    The woman here is the bride of Christ, and her husband the picture of Christ. A key: as unto the Lord.

    I will give you an URL link here that is a good study, and when you get there simply do a search (Ctrl F) for the word “Submitting” and read down a couple pages. I hope it helps you and we can progress from there.
    http://www.gracegod.com/Study Books/Ephesians - Exaltation of the Sons of God.pdf

    A dear brother Gene Hawkins gave the following Marriage Seminar which I transcribed from CD’s I’ll give excerpts from here.

    "If you put it down in a very practical and simple manner, the wife must be subject to the headship of her husband, and the husband must be subject to the needs of his wife.

    Now the first thing I want to notice is that as Paul will tell us here in (Eph. 5:25), "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;" We know that the marriage relationship is typical, or it is the same as the relationship between Christ and His people; Christ and the body. The difference is this, we know that Jesus is never going to fail or default on His role as the head, but we as husbands have to recognize that we can be miserable failures in our role as being head to our wives. Though Jesus does not fail or default, never does Jesus come down and demand that we be in subjection to Him. So in that sense of the word with us as Christians, if Jesus is going to be the head in my life, I'm going to have to willingly surrender it to Him.

    The first thing that we must realize is that a head is not a dictator, and this is what you find so often in Christian circles today. It has been so misused and abused that when a woman says that she is to be in subjection, the entire community goes berserk and it is because they do not understand what headship means. Headship? Both wives and husbands must realize, and get it in our heads that headship doesn't mean dictatorship. The position of a head is actually a position of loving ministry."

    If these things set off alarms please let me know. Love in Christ Jesus. :)
     

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