He said hurtful things for satisfaction

[Riniel]

Hello everyone,

Okay, so.. There is this guy I like, and we've been talking for a while. Most of the time he is nice, and doesn't say hurtful things, but today we were talking about our typical nerdy stuff. I was telling him how I don't have an HD tv in my room, because I can't afford it. So, in response he was telling me about five HD tv's he has, and he was totally rubbing it in my face. I had also told him how I load digital movies onto a flash drive to watch movies, and when he was rubbing in that he has five tv's, he had to throw in there that he also has a four terabyte harddrive that he loads his digital movies on.

So, all I said was cool. Then he said, "lol sorry, I was rubbing it in, huh?", and I said, "Oh gee, maybe just a little bit." -- So, then he said, "I love saying hurtful things to you, and pissing you off, because it's so easy, and yet so satisfying."

I wasn't really upset until he said that. For the most part I was being facetious when I said oh gee, maybe just a little bit, but I didn't tell him I was being facetious. I was going to tell him I was being facetious, but he then sent me that hurtful text. So, I haven't said anything at all.. I don't get angry easily, but when he said that he likes to intentionally hurt me, that's when I got pissed off for real.

Why do men intentionally say hurtful things like that to women?

I haven't responded to him, because of a few reasons. The first reason is, I know if I express that he hurt my feelings, he will get satisfaction from it. The second reason is, because I don't really know how to respond to something like that. The third reason is, I don't want to make a big deal of it, and then cause some sort of spiraling conflict.

Should I just forget about it, and pretend nothing happened, or should I just stop talking to him altogether? I like him, but someone who derives pleasure from hurting someone else is a sadist. It doesn't have to be physical pain, because inflicting emotional pain can make someone a sadist as well. If he truly liked me, he wouldn't want to inflict pain of any kind on me. So, it makes me think that perhaps I like him more than he likes me.

Thank you for any advice you may have for me.

-Riniel

 

[reba]

I am not a a young anything....
click the unlike button and move on this guys is not a good one...

 

[AirDancer]

He's a game player, deliberately dealing out emotional abuse

Say a heart-felt prayer for his heart to be opened to our Lord's Word, and then move on. You do not have to put up with his type of behaviour what so ever, and the sooner you put him behind you, the better.

Blessings!

 

[Classik]

This life is like a soccer stadium. Players do a lot of things (strange and crazy) to satisfy themselves and accomplish a purpose. Outside the stadium - it's a different world altogether. This guy might be a different person outide that stadium.

 

[Davies]

Hi Riniel,

I can tell you why I say hurtful things, and I think there might be a commonality between people who say hurtful things in general. The reason I say hurtful things is because I'm not satisfied with the blood of Jesus and forget what I actually look like in the sight of God. Just when I think I'm doing good, something will happen that hits me right in the kidney, and there goes my big mouth. If you guys can make your Christian faith the priority in the relationship, I'd keep it going. If not, you might be in for more pain than you bargained for.

- Davies

 

[handy]

Move on... any guy who deliberately says hurtful things just to get "satisfaction" out of making you upset isn't worth your time, sweetie.

"Men" don't do that. My man has never, not once in almost 15 years, deliberately said something for no other purpose than to enjoy my discomfort. And, when he does inadvertently hurt my feelings, he always apologizes.

Forgive him, but move on.

 

[Classik]

Move on... any guy who deliberately says hurtful things just to get "satisfaction" out of making you upset isn't worth your time, sweetie. "Men" don't do that. My man has never, not once in almost 15 years, deliberately said something for no other purpose than to enjoy my discomfort. And, when he does inadvertently hurt my feelings, he always apologizes. Forgive him, but move on.

I can see you have a happy home. Thank God!!!

 

[Classik]

Truth is, no one goes about looking for perfect and faultless men/women (relationship-wise). They don't exist at all.

 

[Riniel]

Thanks everyone!

I know that the perfect person only exists in my fantasies. I know I'll never find the guy that I find perfect. However, I do have requirements, and standards.

The odd thing about this guy is that he's never really ever said anything hurtful to me before. It just happened out of the blue, and I find it a bit odd that nothing has really led up to this. I like him a lot, but if he was being serious, I can only imagine what it could end up being like down the road. I mean, he could go as far as to start insulting me for satisfaction.

So, I'm conflicted. I haven't even spoken one word to him since he hurt my feelings, and he hasn't bother to talk to me either. I wonder if he said that to hurt me enough that I wouldn't want to talk to him again, and that way he wouldn't have to end anything with me on his own. I haven't sensed that he hasn't wanted to talk to me, or to get rid of me, but perhaps he has been hiding it, or he could have found another girl, and to end things with me, he knew I would never talk to him again if he said something hurtful.

I don't know.. I don't even know if he was being facetious, or serious. I haven't bothered to find out. I think I'm just going to ignore him, and not say anything.. I get the feeling that he's not going to try talking to me anymore anyway. So, I might as well just forget about him.

This always happens to me. I'm starting to wonder if God is trying to tell me that I'm not meant to ever find love, or marriage. Every single time I find a guy I like, something bad happens.

 

[handy]

It's true that there is no perfect human being or perfect mate. Part of the dating/courting process needs to be to see what imperfections and besetting sins a possible mate has...and determining how one can live with them (because they aren't going to go away).

For instance, Steve and I... I can be really grumpy and irritable...Steve is usually quite calm. On the other hand, I'm pretty organized and reliable. Steve can't tell time and isn't really organized at all. However, we can compensate for each other's imperfections. He can soothe and smooth things over when I get really angry. I can help him with his work and his lack of organization skills. These can be areas of irritants in our marriage, but they are by no mean's "deal breakers".

However, deliberately insulting someone or hurting, just to derive some enjoyment or satisfaction out of discomfort is a character flaw that no one should put up with. Riniel, you were pretty insightful when you said, "If he truly liked me, he wouldn't want to inflict pain of any kind on me." This is true, and it's also true that if someone is deliberately inflicting any kind of pain for the purpose of their own enjoyment, that's sadistic and it's also behavior that will only be worse over time, not better.

I know the frustrations of having to let go of relationships and move on as well as the loneliness and feelings that one will never find a mate. I can only say that I'm glad I held out, didn't compromise and waited.... I wound up with a great life's partner in the end. Hang in there, Sweetie, but move on from this guy.

 

[JCitoL]

on the one hand such a behaviour is not ordinal, whereas the annoyance may come quietly and invisibly like a thief in the night, i can remember some situations in which one and the same person behaved normally, when in a next moment it became very annoyed, of course someone may say that such a person is most likely crazy, but the truth is that there is an invisible provocative/irritant, and it is the evil spirit which works by the system of spiritual/religious iniquity, or as it has been written:

Matthew 24:11-12 "many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many. And because iniquity(i.e. the spiritual/religious iniquity) shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold."

the mechanism of vexation works in a following scheme, first it provokes an exasperation by infliction of some lack, and after it loses one's temper against someone who is used as a provocative/irritant, e.g., the people of sodom worshipped "molech", an evil spirit and an idol which caused a severe injury of manhood to its worshippers and whereby it taught them to treat/handle the other males as females in order to indemnify their manhood thus, whereat they often abused/raped sexually the men which are not followers/members of their cult

Blessings

 

[bhayes]

Why do you think all men are like this guy??

 

[Obadiah]

Hi Riniel;

I’m new here and don't know if I'm even allowed to post yet, but I read your post with interest because I’ve had the same things happen to me many times. (It’s not just guys that do what he did. Girls do it to guys too!) Maybe I could add a couple of things learned from life’s experiences?

First, you said “The odd thing about this guy is that he's never really ever said anything hurtful to me before. It just happened out of the blue, and I find it a bit odd that nothing has really led up to this.†and then “I haven't even spoken one word to him since he hurt my feelings…†I think you should try talking to him face to face about this before you decide to just forget him. In our world of text and instant messages we have lost the benefit of non-verbal communication. Did you know that more than 70% of the message a person is communicating to you comes through non-verbal communication such as tone of voice and body language that we instinctively interpret subconsciously? In a face to face conversation you will get a far more accurate idea of where he really stands. Of course, I’m assuming that HE is actually the one who sent you the hurtful text messages, but you know it’s not unheard of that someone else could have sent those messages from his phone/computer/whatever without his knowing it. (Yep, it happened to me once!) Even Jesus said “"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.†(Mathew 18:15a NIV) Jesus didn’t say to write a letter, even though they could do that back then. There is a benefit in face to face conversation that goes a long way to avoiding misunderstandings. I think you should try following Mathew 18:15 before you give up.

The second thing I would suggest if the first doesn’t get the results you would like to see, is to ask yourself “If this was a girlfriend instead of someone I wanted to date, would I put up with this?†If the answer is “No.†then you should deal with him in the same way you would deal with one of your girlfriends in the same situation. That probably means to move on to someone who treats you with respect and courtesy. Not all guys are like this. You might just have to look in places that so many other girls aren’t looking in order to find him.

 

[Classik]

Hi Riniel;I’m new here and don't know if I'm even allowed to post yet, but I read your post with interest because I’ve had the same things happen to me many times. (It’s not just guys that do what he did. Girls do it to guys too!) Maybe I could add a couple of things learned from life’s experiences?First, you said “The odd thing about this guy is that he's never really ever said anything hurtful to me before. It just happened out of the blue, and I find it a bit odd that nothing has really led up to this.†and then “I haven't even spoken one word to him since he hurt my feelings…†I think you should try talking to him face to face about this before you decide to just forget him. In our world of text and instant messages we have lost the benefit of non-verbal communication. Did you know that more than 70% of the message a person is communicating to you comes through non-verbal communication such as tone of voice and body language that we instinctively interpret subconsciously? In a face to face conversation you will get a far more accurate idea of where he really stands. Of course, I’m assuming that HE is actually the one who sent you the hurtful text messages, but you know it’s not unheard of that someone else could have sent those messages from his phone/computer/whatever without his knowing it. (Yep, it happened to me once!) Even Jesus said “"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.†(Mathew 18:15a NIV) Jesus didn’t say to write a letter, even though they could do that back then. There is a benefit in face to face conversation that goes a long way to avoiding misunderstandings. I think you should try following Mathew 18:15 before you give up.The second thing I would suggest if the first doesn’t get the results you would like to see, is to ask yourself “If this was a girlfriend instead of someone I wanted to date, would I put up with this?†If the answer is “No.†then you should deal with him in the same way you would deal with one of your girlfriends in the same situation. That probably means to move on to someone who treats you with respect and courtesy. Not all guys are like this. You might just have to look in places that so many other girls aren’t looking in order to find him.

Hi. Come to CF.net Your post makes a lot of sense.

 

[Obadiah]

Hi. Come to CF.net Your post makes a lot of sense.

Thanks Classik. But I thought I WAS at CF.net. Is that something else?

 

[Classik]

Thanks Classik. But I thought I WAS at CF.net. Is that something else?

Sorry. That was a typo. I was trying to say: Welcome to CF.net.

 

[Obadiah]

LOL, yeah that makes sense. Why didn't I see that before? Thanks for the welcome. It's good to be here.

 

[Classik]

LOL, yeah that makes sense. Why didn't I see that before? Thanks for the welcome. It's good to be here.

Thanks. Indeed it's good to be here

 

[DeaneRenata]

Well, I don't think you deserved it, but I know my little sister did when my older sister told her she was being a deleted. The child has just simply developed a whim for bad graces I guess.