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Help dealing with unbelieving wife

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s1nner

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Apologies in advance for this rather long post. But I'm a bit of a situation with my marriage to be honest and I hope someone can point me in the right direction.
Me and my wife are married for close to 15 years now, I'm a Christian and she is not. We have two lovely daughters who are a real blessing from God. We met and we did marry very quickly, people who knew me and know how much being a Christian meant to me did advise against this marriage. But sadly I did not pay any heed. To be honest in our brief courtship there were quite a few instances (when I look back now) which were Gods way of telling me to end the relationship, but I was wrongly under the impression that since I had given her my word I should not let her down. And to be honest, i was always convinced I could bring to know our Lord Jesus.
The first few years, I was a Christian, spend time in prayer and being humble etc. My wife on the other hand is quite stubborn, arrogant and quite argumentative. Sorry if I sound judgemental but I feel she can go on for hours getting you to admit it was your fault. The first few years, I always felt I should apologize to keep the peace as I'm a Christian and should lead by example. But to her it seemed then that I've admitted to being wrong and her behaviour only grew worse.
Over the years, I've gone a different route. I've started fighting fire with fire and things have become a lot worse. I rarely spent time in prayer, become arrogant myself and my lifestyle went downhill nothing bad, but movies, late nights etc. I hated it and a voice always kept telling me how far I've gone from the Lord and I would cry inside.
Over the last two months a very close friend and devoted Christian pointed me to some commentaries on the bible which has radically changed my way of thinking. I can feel God working back in my life getting me to my former self. I no longer crave late nights, parties, movies etc. I just don't feel the need to. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of weeknesses which I really have to work on if I have to have any hope getting salvation. But I strongly believe now I can get there with some perseverance. I have some road blocks though to which I would really like some advice:
1. The biggest stumbling block is my marriage. To be honest, we hardly ever talk. She thinks I give her the silent treatment, but in my heart I know it isn't so. I keep quiet just because there is no reasoning with her. As I mentioned she can go on for hours arguing and can use foul language in front of the kids. She constantly undermines my position at home, calling me names like a bully etc and I feel it affects the kids perception of me. I don't know how to deal with this. I know I have no hope of salvation if I don't sort my marriage, but on the other hand I don't want to go back to my old style of just apologizing because she then thinks that it was my fault to begin with. If I tell her I don't agree with you but I forgive, it will only lead to further arguments as to why I'm wrong and she is right. I'm not sure if I'm making sense but I feel I'm in a bit of a predicament.
2. She is a late night person, she loves late nights, parties that end late, drinking, loud music, movies etc. And to be honest, I have no issues with her carrying on with her lifestyle. But since regaining my faith I've no urge for any of these. I strongly feel the evil in the night and I've turned my lifestyle around, sleeping early, waking up early etc. The problem is she feels the husband should be there to care of the wife and children while they are out late at night. Again I'm in a bit of a dilemma. I still attend them, but I feel really miserable like something eating me up inside, I can't stand the drinking, loud music etc. I've put my foot down saying I won't be there for any of those parties anymore and she needs to make arrangements if she goes out. But the kids are with her and I worry as she isn't best person to take care of them while she is out partying. So again I'm in a dilemma :sad
3. Miraculously, my daughter almost at the same time as me started getting in touch with God and has been the biggest driver for bible reading and prayer at night. We would have none of it previously. She leads us into prayer and luckily because of the commentaries I can answer their questions on the bible. I'm convinced God is working in our lives. My other daughter has also turned from her ways around since we started praying together as a family. The problem is my wife now accuses me of brainwashing the kids as they do speak of salvation, the coming of the Lord and prepare our ways for the final days. She calls me a fanatic and considers Christianity a religion that is judgmental. Possibly because when I do reason with her I try to point out her actions that I don't think are correct. Possibly also it is my behaviour as a Christian that has caused her to have a such a low opinion of Christians and I feel I've let my other believing brothers and sisters down and I pray I can turn myself around.

Apologies again for such a long post and please do advise. any help will be greatly appreciated and please do pray for me. I'm scared of when I'm tested if I will stick to my new found ways :sad
 
Welcome S1nner. It is never God that wants you to leave your wife. I don't know if you believe in the devil, but he will be the one who causes you to think you should leave your wife. In scripture, it tells us as believers to stick it out with our unbelieving spouses. There is always hope that the unbelieving spouse will turn around, but you have to follow the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit working through you will guide others into understanding. Also in scripture it says: 1 Corinthians 7:14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. The reason it says that, is because if you were to divorce........your kids could choose her non-belief.......but if you stay together.......they will be covered in belief.
 
Thanks LoveThroughDove
I do believe in the devil and his evil works. To be honest, separation did cross my mind as I do feel things are a lot easier when she isn't around. But like you said it isn't about convenience. The kids are baptized. With regards to divorce I've said I'm not keen but she isn't decided so I'm unsure on that part
 
Pray that she doesn't want to divorce you. I know that it may feel like that easier route, if she divorces you........but it is about the kids. Also, it is about her soul also. You obviously love/loved her at some point. The Holy Spirit is not a bully the devil is the bully, so approach every situation with her through love and compassion. The devil doesn't want her to be happy or you, so he lies that it won't get better.
 
That is difficult, cause I have an (on the edge) non-believer husband. I truly don't know if he believes. I have been adamant about not letting our kids see gruesome stuff, but he didn't care. And having technology to see anything they want and he didn't care. I have just tried to be there to put out the fires when my kids have started to have troubles from what they have seen. Just be there for your family when they need you as a support, when things go badly. If you can prevent stuff, that is great..........but don't cause a huge divide between you all. That is just what I know. This world has bad things happen in it, but if you all truly care for eachother and love eachother.....you can get through it with minor incidents.
 
divorce...
we trade one set of problem for another... the road of unequally yoked in marriage is very hard been 51+ years for me.. ..
I pray you hang in there
 
Thanks reba, yes I'm keen to hang in there and I hope I find the courage and strength to do what is right.
Please do pray for us
 
Many times i have wanted the 'easy' way out ,, but looking around i see it is only easy for the very short term.. Yes i will pray for the guy in the forums . :)
 
I haven't been married, but did have a boyfriend for some time a while back who was not a Christian.
We got into many arguments about my beliefs, and his too, but looking back those conversations and having to defend my
position only made me stronger in my Faith. We differed a lot when it comes to worldviews and beliefs, but as long as there is love
between 2 people these differences can usually be overcome. It was only when the love faded that I began to understand how
we really were not very compatible from the jump,.. something I could have known earlier if not blinded by my affection for him.
the OP mentions that his spouse in general didn't perceive Christians / Christianity in a positive light,
which is very recognizable to me, my ex bf used to mock Christian belief and even me personally for being a rational woman and being a Christian. If there are children involved, the differences in the outlook of the parents become bigger then simply a difference of opinion between two people.. my ex-bf would likely not have allowed me to raise my child a Christian or bring the child up
with religious beliefs in general as he was very strictly against "brainwashing" little ones with any "fairytales"
I don't have any advice for you, I just hope and pray there is enough love , respect and understanding left between you.
Blessings .
 
Have you ever seen 'Fireproof'?
I recommend you take 'The Love Dare' (you can find it on amazon, just search for that phrase).
Essentially it's a guide to help draw your wife closer to you, by drawing yourself closer to her.
I pray for healing in your marriage.
 
SpagLard I think what you said is spot on. As long as there is the initial affection you do overlook these incompatibilities. I was advised that I should have a longer courtship period, but I really was blind then.
Initially, she would not subscribe to Christian belief but though I was an ok guy. But that's primarily because of me constantly apologizing and turning the other cheek. It's only when I started behaving more like her she now says I'm a terrible person (leave aside the fact that it is her behaviour in the first place, but she doesn't get it).
Don't get me wrong, I'm not condoning my behaviour in any way. Far from it, I used to hate it and I knew it wasn't right.
riona, I'll definitely watch Fireproof and get a copy of the Love dare. I'm trying to stay positive and keep my faith in the Lord and he will deliver. I can't see how, but I know I must have the faith. It just seems a bit hopeless at the moment :sad
 
Thanks reba, yes I'm keen to hang in there and I hope I find the courage and strength to do what is right.
Please do pray for us

But as God hath distributed to every man, as the Lord hath called every one, so let him walk. And so ordain I in all churches.
(1Co 7:17 KJV)

Eph_2:10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.

Why do you want your situation to change? There are reasons prayer does not get answered, and reasons why things don't change.
What is your reason for wanting things to change?

Mike.
 
Hi Brother Mike, I'm not sure I completely understand your question but here goes
I'm hoping for change more for me I think. Apologizing for me isn't a big deal (although seeing the smirk on her face when I do is heart wrenching), but to be a sorry state in front of my kids where they think dads place doesn't really matter is a difficult pill for me to swallow.
I wouldn't mind if they counted on her for advice totally if she was Godly, but she is far from it and I'm not being judgmental. She is more into parties, movies, enjoyment, late nights. Which kid would not like any of that compared to a Godly life? How can I attempt to teach them when they don't take me seriously.
Sometimes my daughter resists and says she would rather not and stay at home with dad since she gets tired, but then she eventually falls when she is repeatedly told that there will be fun, games, etc. I feel sorry for her, I don't want to come across as brain washing her from having a good time. As the general opinion is "whats the big deal" it's only once in a while (which is mostly every couple of weeks)

Ideally I pray she is touched and we can focus together bringing up the kids towards God, because sometimes I feel that bond is so important. I know as a child, we would spend time in prayer as a family and that relationship in God is so important for me now since I know how approachable God is. But I fear that my kids won't grow up to know that bond

I'm not sure if I've answered your question, and sorry if I didn't. Perhaps I can try again without getting into a rant :sad
 
Hi Brother Mike, I'm not sure I completely understand your question but here goes
I'm hoping for change more for me I think. Apologizing for me isn't a big deal (although seeing the smirk on her face when I do is heart wrenching), but to be a sorry state in front of my kids where they think dads place doesn't really matter is a difficult pill for me to swallow.
I wouldn't mind if they counted on her for advice totally if she was Godly, but she is far from it and I'm not being judgmental. She is more into parties, movies, enjoyment, late nights. Which kid would not like any of that compared to a Godly life? How can I attempt to teach them when they don't take me seriously.
Sometimes my daughter resists and says she would rather not and stay at home with dad since she gets tired, but then she eventually falls when she is repeatedly told that there will be fun, games, etc. I feel sorry for her, I don't want to come across as brain washing her from having a good time. As the general opinion is "whats the big deal" it's only once in a while (which is mostly every couple of weeks)

Ideally I pray she is touched and we can focus together bringing up the kids towards God, because sometimes I feel that bond is so important. I know as a child, we would spend time in prayer as a family and that relationship in God is so important for me now since I know how approachable God is. But I fear that my kids won't grow up to know that bond

I'm not sure if I've answered your question, and sorry if I didn't. Perhaps I can try again without getting into a rant :sad

Well, telling you what to do that would work would have to assume you have tons of revelation and the strength to do it. I found that does not work with folks, even though it's their answer. I can't get across to you that God has to be first, and to forget the family, Jesus saying He that does not hate hate his father, Mother, wife, kids and his own life and follow me, is not worthy to be my disciple.

No, you see things messed up in your own life and they need fixed first.

Hate in the sense Jesus used it means to Like far less. Everything else means little compared to the plan of God and doing the will of God. That's hard to do when your just coming back and you have all these issues. Part of your answer, but you can't do it without getting built up.

Rule 1, we need to start taking heed and following scriptures. God sent his word to heal us and deliver us from our destruction. No Word, no delivering.

We need a place to start.
1Pe_3:1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;

Stop talking, start walking the Walk. Your conversation from now on is nice and full of Grace. If God is on your side, then you don't need to be concerned about what the wife is doing. No more defending your stance with God, just smile and wave.
As the man, all spiritual authority has been given to you for your own house. The devil wants to make you think you don't have any control, and it's a lie.

Listen to this:
http://www.flcbranson.org/listseries.php?xml=rss/MarriageEnrichment2009.xml

Work on these things, tons more to do. My time is valuable though, so I'll stay with you if your a doer of the Word.

My short version story:
Wife just left another man, I just got out of prison. 2 solid years of day and night in scriptures was about the only good thing I had coming out of prison.
When I get back home, the wife is a spiritual mess, both my kids were on 3 different types of ADHD meds and failing school. The wife was doing a horrible Job of raising them in adultery and unbelief. My wife did not even speak in tongues or understand any of it.

First thing was to get my kids off those mind altering drugs. Did that in one day, it was not like they were passing school anyway. I did not see the 3 year battle coming in spending lots of time with both of them in Homework and encouragement. My Oldest Graduated Highschool with perfect A's and my youngest son made it through with C's, but He made it. I was told they would need medication most their life. NOPE. They both are serving at Church and I never had issues with girls, drugs, or anything else other folks go through.

The Power of God Evident:
When walking by faith, he power of God will be evident in your life. Wife saw this right away. If one of my kids got sick, I would rebuke the sickness in Jesus name and say all better now. My youngest son use to come with me asking me to put my hands on him so Jesus could Heal him. The wife noticed at times I would hear God, and say we have to go to this Place, God has someone there needing help. One situation was a person looking for their lost nephew, the Lord took me right to him saying turn right go here. The wife did not understand that stuff but she saw God was actually real.

In 2001 my son had terminal cancer. The doctors gave up (Chicago Memorial Hospital for children off Lakeshore drive) Whole family freaking out but me. I said my son would be fine, even the day the wife called and said that our son would not make it through the night.
I told my wife again, our son is fine, with Long life God will satisfy him. Don't worry.
That next day they could not find the cancer, had them all stumped. His report says "Unexpected response to Chemotherapy and treatment" If they say so......... :)

I could go on, but my point is that a man that gets closer to God, puts God and the Word first, then everything else that concerns the man changes in His life.

What God did for me, He will do for you. He is no respecter of persons.

Be Blessed.
Mat_6:33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Mike.
 
s1nner I'm sorry that I've been away for over a week, or I would have loved to chat with you sooner. I have a book I'd like to suggest for you called "The Exemplary Husband". http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1885904312?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_detailpage_o03_s00 It's intended to enhance Godly marriage unions and also to guide men in your situation. There are many marriages in your condition, whether the husband came to faith after they were married or before. God had a very good reason for believing men not to marry non-believing women. It sounds like you understand that now, so no need to dwell on that. Here is where you are, and here is where you should stay.

You admitted to being judgmental (good), but nonetheless you put an extraordinary onus on your wife for the ongoing struggle. Things are rarely so one-sided. Fifteen years is a long time to have been married, given your circumstance, so credit to you for holding your home together. The fact that you have children magnifies your responsibility to lead by example. Your first Godly call is that of the husband, but your roll as a father is vitally important as well. If I'm ever faced with a believer considering marriage with an unbelieving wife, I always try to have them put themselves years into the future and the possibility of children. What then? How will they be raised? It sounds like you're having an impact there in spite of the foreseeable obstacles your wife presents. It seems to me your lot in life affords you only the capacity to demonstrate the Lord's love by your love for them regardless of what you are faced with. Easier said than done, I'm sure.

Be in regular worship with a community of believers, and get in a small men's group if you aren't already. I've been in one for the past 10 years, and we've had men in our group who have been in your situation. You need encouragement and support, but you also need accountability to remain committed to your calling as a husband and father. In June, I will have been married to my wife for 25 years. It hasn't always been easy. I was brought to faith before her after about 5 years of marriage, and there was a period of about 1 year where she fought against it. She was very resentful. One year is a fraction of what you've dealt with, but believe me. It didn't seem short to me then. Only God knows if and when she will respond, but I know this... Honor God, and He will perform miracles. It may not be on your timeline or in the way you expect, but He will honor His promise to you.

Thank you for joining CFnet and sharing your struggle. I've prayed for you and your family, and my continued prayer will be that you will share a victory story with us one day.
 
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