Here's a Surprise: There's This Woman...

[DarkWalker]

No, really. This is one of those threads.

My last relationship ended in August 2006. It was the third one I'd ever had, and the longest (six months). Since then, I either haven't been interested or been in a position to have any kind of a relationship. My problem (thank you bipolar) is I often want to move too fast and be too open. It's not that I meet a girl and instantly want to marry her, but I yearn to share my life with someone who can relate to me. For some odd reason, I have always found I relate better to the emotions of women than I do men (mostly because men don't talk about their emotions well).

At any rate, I met a woman at the place where I meet for a writer's group every week. She is a barista there, young, beautiful (oh Lord!), intelligent, and she has bipolar disorder. That leads me to caution, because of the penchant for bipolar people (such as myself) to act irrationally. This woman has gone out of her way on her break to be friendly toward me, which is like a drink of cold, fresh water in the desert. No one but no one has gone out of their way like that in years.

Of course, that would make a guy feel special, but like I said, I'm not in a hurry to hear wedding bells. All I want to be is her friend. Unfortunately, I fear I will share too much too quickly, she will get the wrong impression, and history will repeat itself when she turns away from me. I can tell my perspective toward her is not quite right, but I'm not certain how to correct my thinking. I don't want to lose this friend, and though I would like to see if our friendship leads to a romantic relationship, I prefer to be her friend first.

How do I slow down and hold back? I've never been good with emotional regulation.

 

[Isaiah]

Hi DarkWalker,

you said that you're not in a hurry to hear wedding bells, do you have to be in a hurry? I don't know how long have you been seeing her but probably she either doesn't want to hurry up in getting married. You should ask her out (if you haven't already) and go watch a movie or have a dinner together. Stay in a contact with her and time will show you if you are meant to be together. You don't have to marry her right after you start dating her, take a time and get to known her. Pray for the Lord to get His guidance, time will show just remember to be patient

Blessings,
brother Isaiah

 

[DarkWalker]

Hi DarkWalker,

you said that you're not in a hurry to hear wedding bells, do you have to be in a hurry? I don't know how long have you been seeing her but probably she either doesn't want to hurry up in getting married. You should ask her out (if you haven't already) and go watch a movie or have a dinner together. Stay in a contact with her and time will show you if you are meant to be together. You don't have to marry her right after you start dating her, take a time and get to known her. Pray for the Lord to get His guidance, time will show just remember to be patient

Blessings,
brother Isaiah

That is my struggle: being patient. I also have a difficult time compartmentalizing, which means I share too much too soon. I have not yet learned what to share and when. Often I share a part of me that comes across as too intense, and it scares people away from me.

 

[Blazin Bones]

Four thoughts, one spiritual / two practical / One over-used pop-culture movie cliche

Spiritual: The obvious answer is prepare for meetings with prayer. I've spent some time around bi-polar folks, and a little extra preparation and focus before hand can help in the long term, can it not? So pray before you're writer's meets, and ask God help you sustain a mellow, but intrigued spirit.

Pracitcal: 1 - One way to avoid talking about you too much is to ask her more questions, and let her talk. If you are serious about the getting to know you part, then make an effort to do that. It doesn't hurt to pray for a chance to get to know who she really is. (Personal note of caution...when I met a gal who I thought was cool and honestly prayed for God to just allow me to make friends with her, we were married in about 18 months. Not my intention, but happily ever after is awesome.)

2. Do you have any close friends to open up with about this? Let them help in the pre-meet up prep and be open with them about what happens so they can share with you their thoughts on how to handle things. Obviously, christian friends are better for this.

Over-used, pop culture cliche - Relax man.... Just be yourself (In a hip, mellow voice.) Oh yeah and less of this - and more of this - - ok

 

[DarkWalker]

Blazin Bones , I have been praying off and on, and it has helped. I still get that nervous/happy feeling when I see her, but I'm able to keep it under wraps. I also don't tend to act on what I normally interpret as signs of interest from her. Usually, I would be misinterpreting everything a woman does as a sign of interest in me, but when I'm able to swallow my pride, I see that she's just being friendly. I haven't had a lot of chances to talk to her, but I have been trying to let her talk, rather than talking about myself. I really need to work on that, though, because I really do talk about myself too much. I don't have close friends who could help me, unfortunately, for various reasons.

I do find it interesting that when she was heading home from work last Thursday, she approached me (I was with two of my friends). The conversation went something like this:

Her: "Hey DarkWalker."
Me: "Hey you, how are you?"
Her: "I'm good. Headed home."

At that point she turned to my friends, guessed their names (she's working on remembering her customers).

My Friend: "And you are--"
Her: "_____ or _____ if you prefer. I like the two sides, one formal, one less formal. <Less formal>! <Less formal>!" (She was happy/bouncy when she said it)

Then she turns back to me and looks up at my eyes.

Her: "It's whatever you prefer. Well, have a good night!"

She wandered slowly toward her car, and I called after her to get a good night's rest, because she had said earlier that she was exhausted. She smiled, crossed her fingers, and said, "here's hoping."

I'm not trying to read into that, but I find it interesting that she addressed me and talked with me. It's exceedingly rare that a woman is comfortable with me, so I find that interesting.

 

[YogiD2]

Ask her to church. Or out for supper your treat. Listen more than you talk. And if you two drink have a couple if your comfertable. Share some time alone and (listen more than you talk) get to know her better. If you imo can show interest and wish to know her you will better know when or how to slowly let her know more about you. If imo only you talk and she asks as many questions about you as you do her she's more than interested. Set a night out the week to help her feel she's "something" in your eyes. Talk on the phone, don't wait days. Be honest, and truthful, and show interest. If you go slow enough you will better understand if you want it to last. To much too soon, and you spilled everything you may not like that if it don't last. Op Sec, (operational security) keep somethings like a spare house key secret till you know for sure how things are headed. I as well have few friends, so GOOD LUCK, and God be with you on this.

 

[DarkWalker]

Ask her to church. Or out for supper your treat. Listen more than you talk. And if you two drink have a couple if your comfertable. Share some time alone and (listen more than you talk) get to know her better. If you imo can show interest and wish to know her you will better know when or how to slowly let her know more about you. If imo only you talk and she asks as many questions about you as you do her she's more than interested. Set a night out the week to help her feel she's "something" in your eyes. Talk on the phone, don't wait days. Be honest, and truthful, and show interest. If you go slow enough you will better understand if you want it to last. To much too soon, and you spilled everything you may not like that if it don't last. Op Sec, (operational security) keep somethings like a spare house key secret till you know for sure how things are headed. I as well have few friends, so GOOD LUCK, and God be with you on this.

I have been waiting for an opportunity to get her contact information or give her mine, though her manager seems to watch her like a hawk. I don't want to be the guy that's seen as "hitting on" an employee. Maybe if I catch her on a break and it comes up, I can give her my phone number. I think that would probably show her I'm interested.

 

[Edward]

That is my struggle: being patient. I also have a difficult time compartmentalizing, which means I share too much too soon. I have not yet learned what to share and when. Often I share a part of me that comes across as too intense, and it scares people away from me.

That could indeed scare her away. If you hope to win her affections one day and perhaps begin a relationship with her, then you have plenty of time and need to slow down with the giving of information about yourself. There's two good honorable ways to do this. The first, blazinBones has already told you, ask her questions about herself. Women love to talk about themselves, and this also gives you insight into her character and preferences. The second way is to make an effort to...be mysterious. Don't be detailed in your answers to her and the giving of info. Women have big imaginations, and the info about you that she lacks, she will herself fill in the holes in it, and she will build you up in her minds eye to be something great. This is not lying to her, and there is plenty of time for you to slowly reveal yourself to her. Don't give her too much too fast and overload her.

Most times, the best thing that a man can do early on, is to pay attention to her. This does two things for you. It allows you to gain valuable insight into her makeup and preferences, and she will love it that you are interested in the real her and pay attention to her, taking her seriously. Look her in the eye when you talk to her.

Another thing is that women are tactile learners. If she touches you, this is very important. She has interest and is seeking to know more. They can tell more by a simple touch, than by an evening of conversation. If she touches you, you'll have about 3-5 minutes max to touch her back (in a very platonic manner) or else she will drop you like a hot potato. this is because touching you is like asking you a question. If you don't respond in like manner, it's like ignoring her.

 

[Edward]

I have been waiting for an opportunity to get her contact information or give her mine, though her manager seems to watch her like a hawk. I don't want to be the guy that's seen as "hitting on" an employee. Maybe if I catch her on a break and it comes up, I can give her my phone number. I think that would probably show her I'm interested.

You can show interest without words. If she looks at you, do NOT break the eye contact first, let her. If she looks left or right, forget it, this is like a primal instinctual defensive thing, looking for a direction to run. If she looks down, this is a wordless invitation to come over. It's an invitation, and you'd better not turn her down and reject her! ;)

 

[DarkWalker]

That could indeed scare her away. If you hope to win her affections one day and perhaps begin a relationship with her, then you have plenty of time and need to slow down with the giving of information about yourself. There's two good honorable ways to do this. The first, blazinBones has already told you, ask her questions about herself. Women love to talk about themselves, and this also gives you insight into her character and preferences. The second way is to make an effort to...be mysterious. Don't be detailed in your answers to her and the giving of info. Women have big imaginations, and the info about you that she lacks, she will herself fill in the holes in it, and she will build you up in her minds eye to be something great. This is not lying to her, and there is plenty of time for you to slowly reveal yourself to her. Don't give her too much too fast and overload her.

I have tried to put myself out there enough that we have things in common, but not enough that she knows everything about me. I do try to let her talk more.

Most times, the best thing that a man can do early on, is to pay attention to her. This does two things for you. It allows you to gain valuable insight into her makeup and preferences, and she will love it that you are interested in the real her and pay attention to her, taking her seriously. Look her in the eye when you talk to her.

I do pay attention to her, though I can be pretty dense. If someone doesn't spell it out for me, I'll usually miss it, because I won't trust myself enough to interpret it correctly. A woman could drop hints all day long about what she wants, and I may think I'm picking up on them, but I've misinterpreted so much in the past, I won't act on it until she comes out and tells me what she wants. It's a bipolar thing.

Another thing is that women are tactile learners. If she touches you, this is very important. She has interest and is seeking to know more. They can tell more by a simple touch, than by an evening of conversation. If she touches you, you'll have about 3-5 minutes max to touch her back (in a very platonic manner) or else she will drop you like a hot potato. this is because touching you is like asking you a question. If you don't respond in like manner, it's like ignoring her.

As far as touching, we're not even there at all yet. I'm a customer, and she's a barista, so our interaction is mostly across the counter. If she touches my arm or something, I might reciprocate if she's off the clock, but if she's working, I'm not going to put her job (or my ability to come back) in jeopardy. I think the best thing right now is to look for an opportunity to give her my contact information so we can plan something outside of her workplace.

 

[Edward]

As far as touching, we're not even there at all yet. I'm a customer, and she's a barista, so our interaction is mostly across the counter. If she touches my arm or something, I might reciprocate if she's off the clock, but if she's working, I'm not going to put her job (or my ability to come back) in jeopardy. I think the best thing right now is to look for an opportunity to give her my contact information so we can plan something outside of her workplace.

A little known fact of life is that women do not touch people outside their sphere of family and close friends without intent, unless a real honest to goodness accident. So it wouldn't put your job in jeopardy. (sounds like the boss man likes her, lol)

 

[Deborah13]

I have tried to put myself out there enough that we have things in common, but not enough that she knows everything about me. I do try to let her talk more.

I do pay attention to her, though I can be pretty dense. If someone doesn't spell it out for me, I'll usually miss it, because I won't trust myself enough to interpret it correctly. A woman could drop hints all day long about what she wants, and I may think I'm picking up on them, but I've misinterpreted so much in the past, I won't act on it until she comes out and tells me what she wants. It's a bipolar thing.

As far as touching, we're not even there at all yet. I'm a customer, and she's a barista, so our interaction is mostly across the counter. If she touches my arm or something, I might reciprocate if she's off the clock, but if she's working, I'm not going to put her job (or my ability to come back) in jeopardy. I think the best thing right now is to look for an opportunity to give her my contact information so we can plan something outside of her workplace.

As a woman, I think you have given the best answer to your own question.
She is working, discretely pass her a note that you would like to get to know her better as a friend over a cup of coffee and if she is agreeable to call you at this number.
You are not putting overly much pressure on her and leaving it open for her to do either. She will appreciate your consideration in not jeopardizing her job and not being pushy. This is the best way a man in this situation could approach me and not loose my respect or consideration.

If you do get together refrain from asking questions that you don't want to answer about yourself.
You say, "What do think about .....?"
She says, "I think .....what do you think about it?"

I my experience in not only being a woman but in having intelligent women friends, this is a conversation that is enjoyable.
She shouldn't feel like you are on a fishing trip and she's the fish.
Contrary to some men's opinion women don't always want to talk about themselves, they want to know who is this guy is who asked to be my friend?

 

[Edward]

That's good info Deborah, thank you.

Deborah makes good sense there brother. What i would do, after passing her the note...is to go back to my job and not keep looking at her and stuff. That may give off the desperate puppy vibe. You've let her know that you have interest, but not shown desperation. Be professional and let her come to you with an answer when she is ready. No pressure. Don't forget to smile. ;)

 

[DarkWalker]

I don't work. I live on disability benefits. I don't want to endanger her job. I said that the manager watches her like a hawk, but perhaps I wasn't clear: she is new to her job, and I don't want to do anything that would cause her to receive a reprimand from her boss (like receiving notes over the counter). I also don't want to destroy my chances of being able to return as a customer. I appreciate the advice I've received here, truly, and what I've gleaned from it is this:

I will wait for an opportunity (either on her break, or before her shift) when I run into her. I will not try to plan it, but I will be prepared for it when it happens. At that point, I will see what I can do to offer her my contact information. At that point, the ball is in her court, and it will be business as usual for me. That is, I will go about my regular activities, and wait for her to call or text or email me. Then we'll go from there.

Again, thank you all for the advice.

 

[Edward]

That's a good plan, and makes it even easier that you don't work there. Stop going in there at all for awhile after you give her the note. If she's not interested and you come in, she'll take it aggressively and negatively if you do (he bugging me). But if you don't, she'll wonder either way. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and she will call. Maybe.

If you talk to her, don't compliment her looks, it'll sound like a line and girls are used to that. Compliment her work, she'll appreciate that. Compliments are way over used with girls, and the less you compliment, the more it'll be appreciated when you do.

 

[reba]

so much science

 

[Deborah13]

That's a good plan, and makes it even easier that you don't work there. Stop going in there at all for awhile after you give her the note. If she's not interested and you come in, she'll take it aggressively and negatively if you do (he bugging me). But if you don't, she'll wonder either way. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and she will call. Maybe.

If you talk to her, don't compliment her looks, it'll sound like a line and girls are used to that. Compliment her work, she'll appreciate that. Compliments are way over used with girls, and the less you compliment, the more it'll be appreciated when you do.

If a guy had been coming in, then he gives me his info, and then he stops coming in, I would be just confused. Absence does not always make the heart grow fonder, especially if it is a confusing absence. And where there isn't an established relationship, sometimes absence makes the heart forget.
I just read this one to Lexy " the less you compliment, the more it'll be appreciated when you do" her statement was "What! Is he out of his mind?" She is 28, so she blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
The thing with compliments is this....That just like anything else they need to be sincere. That's what woman want. So don't make up compliments for any reason. Don't say that color looks good on you, if you don't believe it, she will know.

 

[Edward]

If a guy had been coming in, then he gives me his info, and then he stops coming in, I would be just confused. Absence does not always make the heart grow fonder, especially if it is a confusing absence. And where there isn't an established relationship, sometimes absence makes the heart forget.
I just read this one to Lexy " the less you compliment, the more it'll be appreciated when you do" her statement was "What! Is he out of his mind?" She is 28, so she blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
The thing with compliments is this....That just like anything else they need to be sincere. That's what woman want. So don't make up compliments for any reason. Don't say that color looks good on you, if you don't believe it, she will know.

Of course. You are correct, but the practical wisdom you have brought to attention here is that, there is a correct middle ground herein. Perhaps a followup visit a few days or a week after the note (but don't go overboard by coming in everyday, which may scare her!) and the compliments...yeah, depends on the girl, preferences, how she thinks, and a slew of variables. Don't be too frugal with the compliments, or she may wonder if you like her at all, just don't overdo it and come across like a desperate puppy.

And compliments about her looks alone...I have found that they're used to that and many times it can come across like a line. But if you consider her in all areas, and find other things to compliment her on beside her looks, it is usually taken better than the old worn out, 'you're so beautiful' Shtick, which is overused. Do not however never compliment her looks, because the females pride themselves on their beauty. Complimenting her intelligence or values or wotnot actually shows a deeper interest and shows that you have been paying more attention to her and not just her body.

Better?

 

[Deborah13]

Of course. You are correct, but the practical wisdom you have brought to attention here is that, there is a correct middle ground herein. Perhaps a followup visit a few days or a week after the note (but don't go overboard by coming in everyday, which may scare her!) and the compliments...yeah, depends on the girl, preferences, how she thinks, and a slew of variables. Don't be too frugal with the compliments, or she may wonder if you like her at all, just don't overdo it and come across like a desperate puppy.

And compliments about her looks alone...I have found that they're used to that and many times it can come across like a line. But if you consider her in all areas, and find other things to compliment her on beside her looks, it is usually taken better than the old worn out, 'you're so beautiful' Shtick, which is overused. Do not however never compliment her looks, because the females pride themselves on their beauty. Complimenting her intelligence or values or wotnot actually shows a deeper interest and shows that you have been paying more attention to her and not just her body.

Better?

He should keep the same schedule he always had. Why would he change it?

There are no variables, no strategy, just straight up honesty.
How would you tell a woman that you think she in intelligent?