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how to honor your parents?

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Benny

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#1
Hi all, God tell us to honor our parents but what if my father is abusive. And to make things worse, is that he’s ill. Me and my mother have responsibility to take care of him. We can’t leave him alone or try to avoid him.

How can honor him if all I feel is hatred towards him for how he treat me and my mother?
 

Papa Zoom

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#2
Hi all, God tell us to honor our parents but what if my father is abusive. And to make things worse, is that he’s ill. Me and my mother have responsibility to take care of him. We can’t leave him alone or try to avoid him.

How can honor him if all I feel is hatred towards him for how he treat me and my mother?
Love is a choice, not a feeling. We are called to love. In the Bible there are plenty of examples where one was faithful through abuse.

And yet I don't think it's an easy road. I'd say you need to talk to a pastor or person you trust. I hope others weigh in because it's an important question you ask.
 
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#3
Hi Benny. This may be one of the most important commands issued to humanity. I am realizing it in my current situation. It is about respect. Period. If the only thing your Dad has going for him, is that he is your father........respect that position. Our parents are given that position for just a small amount of time. Our Father in heaven is given that position for eternity. This respect flows through everything and everyone. Once humanity loses respect for our elders, all hell breaks loose.
 

JohnDB

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#4
The Hebrew language doesn't have a word for grandfather or great great grandfather. (Same holds true for grandmother)

The command for honoring your "father and mother" was just as much a command to honor Abraham and Sarah as it was to be obedient to your parents... probably more so.

Abuse is something that God hates more than anything. More so than even divorce or lying. (I would say murder but I'm not sure on that...it could go either way)

God advocates for those who have no voice or standing to reject abuse and applauds those who protect/help the widows and orphans because they have no advocate.

So...
When a person has an abusive parent God has raised up leaders who have enacted laws concerning sexual and physical abuse of dependant children. All a child has to do is mention and describe the situation to any sort of child authority (principal, vice principal, teacher, guidance counselor, women's crisis shelter...) And the results are astounding. These people live to respond to this sort of thing.

Even verbal abuse is something to these people.

And when it comes time for confrontation between parents and children often don't have the verbal skills needed to communicate effectively or the lack of emotion to think clearly. These people excel at this too.
 
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#6
This, to me, might wind up being one of my bigger struggles. I love and adore my Mom, and yet still manage to mess uon a regular basis, but for my dad we have a rocky history. He use to be abusive both emotionally and physically to my mother (when I was very young) and mostly emotionally abusive to my sister and myself, though occasionally it did get physical. He was completely unpredictable and prone to fits of rage and mania. Unfortunately I still have yet to completely forgive him for it and it is something I desperately need to overcome. Compound the fact that I live with them through an equal mix of my own massive flaws and circumstances, and it is even worse. But none of what I said is the point. God is God and if he says respect your parents that is absolute, but as others have pointed out abuse is one of the most apparant forms of evil out there, so stand up for yourself when reason. Obediance doesn't mean blindly submit constantly. Parents are no less faillable than another other human. It means doing what they say when no abuse is apparant I would imagine. So basically yeah obey your parents but if you have a father or mother who is actively destroying you reach out. We are all children of God and you are worth just as much as any one of us. :)
 

Papa Zoom

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#7
This, to me, might wind up being one of my bigger struggles. I love and adore my Mom, and yet still manage to mess uon a regular basis, but for my dad we have a rocky history. He use to be abusive both emotionally and physically to my mother (when I was very young) and mostly emotionally abusive to my sister and myself, though occasionally it did get physical. He was completely unpredictable and prone to fits of rage and mania. Unfortunately I still have yet to completely forgive him for it and it is something I desperately need to overcome. Compound the fact that I live with them through an equal mix of my own massive flaws and circumstances, and it is even worse. But none of what I said is the point. God is God and if he says respect your parents that is absolute, but as others have pointed out abuse is one of the most apparant forms of evil out there, so stand up for yourself when reason. Obediance doesn't mean blindly submit constantly. Parents are no less faillable than another other human. It means doing what they say when no abuse is apparant I would imagine. So basically yeah obey your parents but if you have a father or mother who is actively destroying you reach out. We are all children of God and you are worth just as much as any one of us. :)
I struggle too. But I'm learning to look past my moms flaws and brokenness and see her as loved by God. When I see her from Christs perspective, love flows easily.
 
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#8
Hi all, God tell us to honor our parents but what if my father is abusive. And to make things worse, is that he’s ill. Me and my mother have responsibility to take care of him. We can’t leave him alone or try to avoid him.

How can honor him if all I feel is hatred towards him for how he treat me and my mother?
I am guessing, from your statement, he is not saved. What an opportunity to witness.....how better to honor a parent......
 
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#9
Love is a choice, not a feeling. We are called to love. In the Bible there are plenty of examples where one was faithful through abuse.

And yet I don't think it's an easy road. I'd say you need to talk to a pastor or person you trust. I hope others weigh in because it's an important question you ask.
I can weigh in, but you've already bulls-eyed it with Love is a choice...

You know he's wrong and has issues, but to make the choice to Love and honor him anyway...to step up and be the bigger man about it, is what that commandments all about. Now that may hurt the pride a little, but we're not supposed to be prideful anyway. This is not something that your Pastor can do for you. You have to make this choice for yourself. Understand that, he knows not what he does, and in his mind, he's trying to do good for both you and your mom. His perspective is skewed by the world however so you probably will not be able to change him, and probably shouldn't even try. God gives the increase, we merely plant seeds. So to set the example of love and honor in the face of contention is likely all that you can do. You must forgive him and let go of the hatred. Choose to do this. It may be hard, but do it anyway.

forgiveness starts with forgetting :) Forgetting the past hurt... All the best to you
You're exactly right, Sister. That's how I did it. Forget the bad, remember the good, and keep on stepping. :yes
 
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#10
Do you have outside help? Is the abuse a "side effect" of his illness or is it something he does knowingly?
As long as you are in his house, you can respect him by not being rude, following rules (as long as they are not abusive)and being helpful.
Just know that respect is not the same as accepting abuse. If he knows he is doing it, he should be told no (without violence), if he is to ill to know, try to step out of the situation until it calms down.

PS I find it amazing how some bible verses are always quoted on their own rather than in context
Ephesians (KJV?)
6 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.
2 “Honor thy father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise:
3 “that it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.”
4 And ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath, but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
 
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#11
I have a similar but different question.

Does honor your parents mean anything in my weird case where they stopped talking to me at all at around age 12 and that was 35 years ago and they still don't?
 
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#12
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Brother, you can pray for them. You might compare this to what you and I did to cause Jesus to die for us, and yet He said in Luk 22:42, Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.

There are three wills I read of in Rom 12:2. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good (will), and acceptable (will), and perfect (will), will of God. To have God's absolute best only the perfect will of God is going to suffice. There will be a Great Multitude having less in Rev 7:9.
 

JohnDB

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#13
I have a similar but different question.

Does honor your parents mean anything in my weird case where they stopped talking to me at all at around age 12 and that was 35 years ago and they still don't?
See post number 4.

It isn't exactly what you think. You have a better set than you think.
 

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