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Husband doesn't understand how acts of service makes me desire him

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20yrsmarried

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Like most husbands my husband is always in the mood, we are not in our twenties anymore but his libido never got that memo. We have read the five love languages and my husband doesn't buy into that fact, that one of my love languages (acts of service) makes me want to be that much more intimate with him. Of course men are visual so maybe that's why he can't comprehend it. Sometimes I feel like I put a lot into our marriage,ie planning date night, having the house in order, bills paid, dealing with our kids etc. sometimes I feel like his only responsibility is to go to work. So when I've worked pretty much sun up to sun down and he wants it at the drop of a hat, he doesn't understand why I'm not as eager as he is. He said there's no way that by him doing something around the house can make him more attractive. It's not about attraction it's an emotional tie. When I tell him these things he says it's a bunch of liberal psycho babble.

Anything I can say to make the lightbulb go off?
 
Have you found his love language? Just because yours is acts of service his may not be. If you speak to him on his level he may start to understand.
 
20yrsmarried said:
Like most husbands my husband is always in the mood, we are not in our twenties anymore but his libido never got that memo. We have read the five love languages and my husband doesn't buy into that fact, that one of my love languages (acts of service) makes me want to be that much more intimate with him. Of course men are visual so maybe that's why he can't comprehend it. Sometimes I feel like I put a lot into our marriage,ie planning date night, having the house in order, bills paid, dealing with our kids etc. sometimes I feel like his only responsibility is to go to work. So when I've worked pretty much sun up to sun down and he wants it at the drop of a hat, he doesn't understand why I'm not as eager as he is. He said there's no way that by him doing something around the house can make him more attractive. It's not about attraction it's an emotional tie. When I tell him these things he says it's a bunch of liberal psycho babble.

Anything I can say to make the lightbulb go off?
Click to expand...

You stood there and told him that, and he denies it? I suppose you're lying to him huh? Wow. he sounds pretty clueless. No offense there, but wow. I don't know what you could say to him. You did and he wouldn't receive it. That's a head scratcher.
 
Andrew Mason said:
There are probably small ways he serves you. You may try affirming those and let him know it's really speaks your love language when he does it. It may be something that can grow through encouragement rather than criticism.
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I have to word things just right in order for him not to go off. I can't remember there ever being a time that I criticized him in a disrespectful way. I have told him that I'm thankful he's a good provider. Sad to say I can't think of anything else that he does for me.
 
He he believes women hear other women say stuff like that and they just regurgitate it. He can be very stubborn. If it doesn't make sense to him that my feelings aren't real.
 
Kathi said:
What is a "love language"?
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Here ya go: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/resources/books/

It is based on this book which pretty accurately identifies that we have one or two love languages that touch us on an emotional level. I know for my kids one of them is touch. For my wife I am pretty sure it is touch, and acts of service.

I am not sure if there are any online free versions, but it is worth a read if you can get your hands on it.
 
Kathi said:
What is a "love language"?
Click to expand...

:wave I got it, I got it! :lol

Actually, I never really heard the term, but I instantly knew what it was. Actions speak louder than words, so what makes you spouse feel the most loved? Is it cooking him a nice steak dinner? Giving her a back rub? I guess you would call that an act of service. Other people it may be receiving presents, others may seriously value quality time together. Some people like to be touched in a loving way. With some words are not nenecessaryut when you connect with eye contact and hold it with the intent of connecting spirits, they go all giddy and just feel so loved. With others, well chosen words can do it, giving them compliments and affirmation of their value to you. So in short, a love language is something that you have identified in them that they hold extremely valuable and makes them sit up and take notice that they are loved.

How's that? :dunce
 
Edward said:
:wave I got it, I got it! :lol

Actually, I never really heard the term, but I instantly knew what it was. Actions speak louder than words, so what makes you spouse feel the most loved? Is it cooking him a nice steak dinner? Giving her a back rub? I guess you would call that an act of service. Other people it may be receiving presents, others may seriously value quality time together. Some people like to be touched in a loving way. With some words are not nenecessaryut when you connect with eye contact and hold it with the intent of connecting spirits, they go all giddy and just feel so loved. With others, well chosen words can do it, giving them compliments and affirmation of their value to you. So in short, a love language is something that you have identified in them that they hold extremely valuable and makes them sit up and take notice that they are loved.

How's that? :dunce
Click to expand...
So it is getting to know your spouse and what pleases them and then doing that.You love them so you want to please them.Did I get that right?
smiley-love007.gif
 
Knotical said:
Here ya go: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/resources/books/

It is based on this book which pretty accurately identifies that we have one or two love languages that touch us on an emotional level. I know for my kids one of them is touch. For my wife I am pretty sure it is touch, and acts of service.

I am not sure if there are any online free versions, but it is worth a read if you can get your hands on it.
Click to expand...

Ah, I feel like I passed the pop quiz, lol. It's probably a good book and a good read, but if you just pay attention to them, you could figure it out without the book,
 
Edward said:
Ah, I feel like I passed the pop quiz, lol. It's probably a good book and a good read, but if you just pay attention to them, you could figure it out without the book,
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But then someone I don't know wont make a ton of money off of a book I have never read, or purchased for that matter.
 
Kathi said:
So it is getting to know your spouse and what pleases them and then doing that.You love them so you want to please them.Did I get that right?
smiley-love007.gif
Click to expand...

Sure you did. That's exactly right. It's very important to do these things for you spouse moreso as time goes by in the marriage. You can't let marital boredom set in. Keeping the spark alive I guess you could say.

They say that you're supposed to show your spouse a bit of real love everyday. This is what does it. I had the brainstorm before that of giving the wife a drop of everyday would please her and make her feel loved and value me...then what would happen if I sloshed her with a 5 gallon bucketful every day or week? This was great at first, but i overdid it...I didn't understand about all of the personality types at the time and went overboard. I have since learned more, lol. With some, less is more. You have to pay attention. Doh.
 
Edward said:
Sure you did. That's exactly right. It's very important to do these things for you spouse moreso as time goes by in the marriage. You can't let marital boredom set in. Keeping the spark alive I guess you could say.

They say that you're supposed to show your spouse a bit of real love everyday. This is what does it. I had the brainstorm before that of giving the wife a drop of everyday would please her and make her feel loved and value me...then what would happen if I sloshed her with a 5 gallon bucketful every day or week? This was great at first, but i overdid it...I didn't understand about all of the personality types at the time and went overboard. I have since learned more, lol. With some, less is more. You have to pay attention. Doh.
Click to expand...
Did you waterboard your wife with love?
 
Knotical said:
But then someone I don't know wont make a ton of money off of a book I have never read, or purchased for that matter.
Click to expand...

LOL! Yeah, there is that. Well plus, even if you figure most of it out, you're bound to learn something from the book which you hadn't thought of.

Kathi said:
ca44412c7a550f79943d65d56e7055a2.jpg
How about not having to read a book and just following your heart.
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That's what I did. I knew from a young age that women were curious creatures that smelled good. So I started paying attention, and it payed off for me. I got a wonderful wife, and did most everything right. All the big things I did right, and almost none of the small things. The small things mean a lot too. Doh.
 
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