Man, where do I even begin?! I remember, clearly, when God first entered my life at twenty-five (or the moment I was cognitively aware that He was there), and I felt a supernatural peace, along with an unspeakable joy. But, the fight begins. I gave up everything for God (television, drugs, basically the world), and devoted myself to the teachings of Christ as revealed through scripture (probably in a more legalistic way), and then I stumbled, and stumbled some more, until I found myself staying on the ground after a bad fall. It seems Christianity became almost a burden since I had so many things wrong with me, and I could not control the sin within, especially my thoughts. I watched my mom die of cancer, my wife miscarried in her first pregnancy after fifteen years of marriage, I lost my job and CANNOT find another one because I am a violent crime felon, now my wife and I have been homeless for over a year, living in tents in the woods, sleeping in the cold, rain, and sweltering heat, surrounded by darkness and addicts. I feel like it is one thing after another and it is not letting up, especially since our puppy died recently of heat exhaustion when we were walking from Arkansas to Ohio, yes, that's right, walking. I am forty years old, my health is failing, and I am SO STRESSED OUT from my mental illness (bipolar), which I cannot control, and appears to be getting worse with age. All I want is that peace again. Is it all the bad decisions I have made in my past that has cursed me to this miserable existence? Am I being punished, even tortured, by God? Do I need to go through this as a purging, to prepare me for the kingdom? I could not get the thought of killing myself out of my head just days ago, and I don't want to be consumed by those negative thoughts, but it is part of my illness, and I do not understand why God does not heal me, knowing what it does to myself, and others. I'm passed the end of my rope, and I have cried out to God so many times, but my situation is only worsening. It is hard to focus on a God that seems to have turned His back upon me, like a wayward Israelite from the Old Testament. All of this is too much for me to handle. I am lost, and do not know how to come back from this!