A few years ago I told a big lie.
Here is the truth (I will tell you the lie in a moment): I was raised in an abusive home. My father got drunk and abused me and my sister psychically and emotionally (hitting, belittling, cruel punishments) for the first 12 years of my life. I am deeply traumatized by his abuse, though I forgive him and love him. When I was 12 he recognized his wrongs, stopped drinking, and grew less abusive over the years. For this, I give him credit and am proud.
However, I never felt loved by him. You could say I was starved for love. I also am and was, as a child and teen, haunted by memories of his a abuse and neglect. I remember nights when he hit me. When he made me sit on the roof in the rain. When I had an impacted tooth and layed outside his bedroom door crying for help and he told me to shutup. When he killed the birds in my birdhouse. Yes, the dad who did these things had gone away when the alcohol went away. Yes, I forgave him. But, no, the memories didn't stop, nor did the pain.
None of this means I myself am without guilt. When I was 20 I experienced deep depression and anxiety. I still felt starved for love. I found someone who loved me, a good, Christian boy who gave me the affection I needed (emotionally, I mean, we both wanted to wait until marriage for anything more than hand-holding/hugging). As someone who was starved for love, it felt good to have someone love me so much. It felt good to open up to someone about my past. Well, here is where I sinned. I told this boy that my dad had abused me...sexually. This was NOT true. This was a lie. But at the time, it felt good to have someone console me and comfort me. I realize now that I thought that that lie, more than anything, would get me the love, comfort I had so craved as child. \
I told more than one person this lie. So many people that I could never correct the lie to each of them. Each time it was for the same reasons: I felt such a bad emotional pain, and telling this life brought me comfort and support.
I know this was a huge sin when I said the lie. I felt HORRIBLE after each time. I have STOPPED telling this lie to people I meet. I have lost many friends for this lie, which I know if 100% my own fault. My dad never faced any legal consequences of my lie (thank goodness) and I never made this lie in any official police report or tried to damage my dads life with it. I never will. However, my dad did find out about this lie and he did disown me. I don't blame him. I deserved it and will never deny deserving it. The past abuse he hurt me with does NOT make my lie okay, I understand this.
I am saved (or, I thought I was). I have begged god for forgiveness SO long, for so many nights. I'm 25 now and still I genuinely hate myself for this sin. I see my disownment as a punishment but also fear hell. My life has been miserable. I feel that since I cannot go to every person I lied to and correct the lie, I am still living in that sin. One friend I told this lie to is dead - I can't tell them the truth and rectify my wrong. Another friend, I tried to tell them that I lied and they dont' believe me. They believe my lie and say I am trying to take it back to protect my dad. So, there are at least two people who will go on believing my lie and I will never be able to gain my dad's reputation back for.
As hard as it may be to believe, I didn't tell this lie to hurt my dad (though it did). I told it to help myself, in a misguided way. I know know that honesty is the only way to gain real, loving relationships. I want to believe I am not an evil person. But I feel like I am. Am I still saved? Can god forgive me even if I cannot fully "undo" my sin? Can God still use me for his service? Can I still go to heaven someday? I would love more than anything to see my dad in heaven, and for us to embrace - knowing that each of our wrong against eachother have been forgiven.
I'm sorry for rambling here, but I am desperate for CHristian advice. Thank you, and God bless. If you can spare a prayer for me, I would appreciate it more than you know.
Here is the truth (I will tell you the lie in a moment): I was raised in an abusive home. My father got drunk and abused me and my sister psychically and emotionally (hitting, belittling, cruel punishments) for the first 12 years of my life. I am deeply traumatized by his abuse, though I forgive him and love him. When I was 12 he recognized his wrongs, stopped drinking, and grew less abusive over the years. For this, I give him credit and am proud.
However, I never felt loved by him. You could say I was starved for love. I also am and was, as a child and teen, haunted by memories of his a abuse and neglect. I remember nights when he hit me. When he made me sit on the roof in the rain. When I had an impacted tooth and layed outside his bedroom door crying for help and he told me to shutup. When he killed the birds in my birdhouse. Yes, the dad who did these things had gone away when the alcohol went away. Yes, I forgave him. But, no, the memories didn't stop, nor did the pain.
None of this means I myself am without guilt. When I was 20 I experienced deep depression and anxiety. I still felt starved for love. I found someone who loved me, a good, Christian boy who gave me the affection I needed (emotionally, I mean, we both wanted to wait until marriage for anything more than hand-holding/hugging). As someone who was starved for love, it felt good to have someone love me so much. It felt good to open up to someone about my past. Well, here is where I sinned. I told this boy that my dad had abused me...sexually. This was NOT true. This was a lie. But at the time, it felt good to have someone console me and comfort me. I realize now that I thought that that lie, more than anything, would get me the love, comfort I had so craved as child. \
I told more than one person this lie. So many people that I could never correct the lie to each of them. Each time it was for the same reasons: I felt such a bad emotional pain, and telling this life brought me comfort and support.
I know this was a huge sin when I said the lie. I felt HORRIBLE after each time. I have STOPPED telling this lie to people I meet. I have lost many friends for this lie, which I know if 100% my own fault. My dad never faced any legal consequences of my lie (thank goodness) and I never made this lie in any official police report or tried to damage my dads life with it. I never will. However, my dad did find out about this lie and he did disown me. I don't blame him. I deserved it and will never deny deserving it. The past abuse he hurt me with does NOT make my lie okay, I understand this.
I am saved (or, I thought I was). I have begged god for forgiveness SO long, for so many nights. I'm 25 now and still I genuinely hate myself for this sin. I see my disownment as a punishment but also fear hell. My life has been miserable. I feel that since I cannot go to every person I lied to and correct the lie, I am still living in that sin. One friend I told this lie to is dead - I can't tell them the truth and rectify my wrong. Another friend, I tried to tell them that I lied and they dont' believe me. They believe my lie and say I am trying to take it back to protect my dad. So, there are at least two people who will go on believing my lie and I will never be able to gain my dad's reputation back for.
As hard as it may be to believe, I didn't tell this lie to hurt my dad (though it did). I told it to help myself, in a misguided way. I know know that honesty is the only way to gain real, loving relationships. I want to believe I am not an evil person. But I feel like I am. Am I still saved? Can god forgive me even if I cannot fully "undo" my sin? Can God still use me for his service? Can I still go to heaven someday? I would love more than anything to see my dad in heaven, and for us to embrace - knowing that each of our wrong against eachother have been forgiven.
I'm sorry for rambling here, but I am desperate for CHristian advice. Thank you, and God bless. If you can spare a prayer for me, I would appreciate it more than you know.
