I need advice! Please feel free to chime in!

[Whattodo222]

I am a 28 year old female who is engaged to a 27 year old male. We both have our "stuff" together. Meaning we work full time jobs trying to build our future. We've been together now for 11 months. He's a really amazing man and would do anything for me.

The only problem is. I'm not sure I have the level of feelings for him as I should. See, I'm used to being in co-dependent relationships where I do all the work and the man is emotionally unavailable for one reason or another. I am currently in discipleship counseling and when I ask my counselor about this topic she advises me to pray and seek God. And I do. But I don't know if/when I'm getting my answers.

Being with this gentleman feels safe. But I don't feel like I am in love. He loves me more than I know how to explain. We are both Christians but to be honest I'm in a very different place on my Christian walk than him and I'm not intrigued by him in many areas that I feel I should be.

I am trying to make it work because I'm so used to being #2 in my relationships and I'm not sure of this is the way a healthy relationship feels or if I should let him be. I've never been in such a strong place and being alone doesn't scare me.

I've actually tried to end this months ago and he told me that I run from anything that's good in my life and I felt like he raised a valid point. But I don't know. I'm just not sure where to take this.

I have just tried to be patient and nod my head when it seems appropriate because I've truly never felt this cherished in a relationship before. But I'm not sure he's the one. And we're getting ready to buy a house together so we have a place to live after we get married.

I just feel like he's rushing things. I felt my next relationship would take some time n I've had a ring on my finger since 7 months into our relationship.

I know I said yes to all of this but as time goes on I trust my decision less and less

Any advice would be great. Thanks friends!

 

[Deborah13]

I'd say if you have reservations wait.
Be straight forward and honest with him, don't hold anything back, that would not be fair to him. But don't let him make up your mind for you.

God bless and may He lead you.

 

[Kathi]

I am a 28 year old female who is engaged to a 27 year old male. We both have our "stuff" together. Meaning we work full time jobs trying to build our future. We've been together now for 11 months. He's a really amazing man and would do anything for me.

The only problem is. I'm not sure I have the level of feelings for him as I should. See, I'm used to being in co-dependent relationships where I do all the work and the man is emotionally unavailable for one reason or another. I am currently in discipleship counseling and when I ask my counselor about this topic she advises me to pray and seek God. And I do. But I don't know if/when I'm getting my answers.

Being with this gentleman feels safe. But I don't feel like I am in love. He loves me more than I know how to explain. We are both Christians but to be honest I'm in a very different place on my Christian walk than him and I'm not intrigued by him in many areas that I feel I should be.

I am trying to make it work because I'm so used to being #2 in my relationships and I'm not sure of this is the way a healthy relationship feels or if I should let him be. I've never been in such a strong place and being alone doesn't scare me.

I've actually tried to end this months ago and he told me that I run from anything that's good in my life and I felt like he raised a valid point. But I don't know. I'm just not sure where to take this.

I have just tried to be patient and nod my head when it seems appropriate because I've truly never felt this cherished in a relationship before. But I'm not sure he's the one. And we're getting ready to buy a house together so we have a place to live after we get married.

Any advice would be great. Thanks friends!

Hi Whattodo.If I have not welcomed you to CF may I say it is nice to have you with us.
What do you mean by "we've been together for 11 months"?.I agree with your counselor and that is you should bring this relationship to God.He might not be the guy God wants you with.What do you mean that "you are on a different place in your Christian walk"?.If you are uncomfortable in the relationship and you do not know if he is the one maybe God is trying to tell you something.Would you be comfortable in going your own ways for a while so you could pray more about it and sort out your feeling?Remember a lifetime in marry which is what God wants us to committ to is a very long time.

 

[Deborah13]

Hi Whattodo.If I have not welcomed you to Worthy may I say it is nice to have you with us.
What do you mean by "we've been together for 11 months"?.I agree with your counselor and that is you should bring this relationship to God.He might not be the guy God wants you with.What do you mean that "you are on a different place in your Christian walk"?.If you are uncomfortable in the relationship and you do not know if he is the one maybe God is trying to tell you something.Would you be comfortable in going your own ways for a while so you could pray more about it and sort out your feeling?Remember a lifetime in marry which is what God wants us to committ to is a very long time.

Oh yeah, a very long time.

 

[Whattodo222]

Hey Kathy,

Thanks for the reply. I mean we have been dating for 11 months. At first our relationship was physical and then I made a stand and told him I was uncomfortable with pre-marital sex.

That's when the difference in our spiritual lives became very clear to me. It wasn't easy for him but he has been willing to work on his level of temptation.

I have been in tune with God on so many things over the last few years. More so then ever. I don't like to use the word ignorant. But I feel in a lot of ways he is very ignorant to Gods love and how it works. I'm very open minded and have been trying to be a witness in this relationship but he takes it as me not loving him. Which is malarkey. Because I do in the ways of respect and kindness. More of a 1 Corinthians 13 kind of way. Ya know?

I don't know this just feels like so much work then it should be. I feel like some some time apart wouldn't be a bad idea. How do you suggest I approach that? I feel like I'm gonna break his fragile little heart.

I used to be a promiscuous little thing and I've made immense progress. But he feels like I'm closed off. But in all honesty I'm just practicing self control.

 

[reba]

Straight forward and honest....

 

[Kathi]

Hey Kathy,

Thanks for the reply. I mean we have been dating for 11 months. At first our relationship was physical and then I made a stand and told him I was uncomfortable with pre-marital sex.

That's when the difference in our spiritual lives became very clear to me. It wasn't easy for him but he has been willing to work on his level of temptation.

I have been in tune with God on so many things over the last few years. More so then ever. I don't like to use the word ignorant. But I feel in a lot of ways he is very ignorant to Gods love and how it works. I'm very open minded and have been trying to be a witness in this relationship but he takes it as me not loving him. Which is malarkey. Because I do in the ways of respect and kindness. More of a 1 Corinthians 13 kind of way. Ya know?

I don't know this just feels like so much work then it should be. I feel like some some time apart wouldn't be a bad idea. How do you suggest I approach that? I feel like I'm gonna break his fragile little heart.

Have you been dating or living together?A really good start to a relationship is not jumping in bed together.That takes the relationship to a whole different level.You need to get to know each other.If you "date" on a casual level for a while and really get to know each other you might find that person is not for you or that you might fall in love with him.If you have not had a sexual relationship and a casual relationship as you get to know each other it would be lot easier to let go.You get too emotionally committed to each other if you have been intimate.
So do you feel like you have a closer relationship to God than he does?That would make you unevenly yoked if you do marry.The Bible says that is not a good thing.
You owe it the the guy to be honest with him.Tell him what is on your heart.That can hurt both of you.It is better to do it now that a divorce down the way.

 

[Whattodo222]

Kathi,

No. We don't live together.

We only date. I have my own place for the first time in my life and I dig it!

And as far as being honest with him. I have told him all of this and he still doesn't really get it.

I am looking for a man to lead me. Not for me to lead a man. And when I've tried ending things before it turns into me being the bad guy and I get pinned with having commitment issues and running from all the good things in my life.

Seems like I just need to be the bad guy huh?

This comes up at least once a week and it's been that way the whole time we've dated.

 

[Kathi]

Kathi,

No. We don't live together.

We only date. I have my own place for the first time in my life and I dig it!

And as far as being honest with him. I have told him all of this and he still doesn't really get it.

I am looking for a man to lead me. Not for me to lead a man. And when I've tried ending things before it turns into me being the bad guy and I get pinned with having commitment issues and running from all the good things in my life.

Seems like I just need to be the bad guy huh?

This comes up at least once a week and it's been that way the whole time we've dated.

He is going to hang on.If you feel like you do not love him then yes,you will need to be the bad guy.And what ever you do not get right into another relationship.

 

[Whattodo222]

Sound advice my dear! Much thanks for caring about my situation.

I was just single for three years. I know the importance of being alone in between relationships. Best thing I ever did!

 

[Kathi]

I made two mistakes.I am still dealing with the consequences.If I could to back to the beginning and do it differently I would love to have that opportunity.My prayers to you for God's direction in your life and in this situation

 

[Whattodo222]

Would you mind expanding on that last post? Two mistakes?

If not I understand

 

[Kathi]

Would you mind expanding on that last post? Two mistakes?

If not I understand

I have been married twice with two divorces.Big mistakes.

 

[Whattodo222]

Well thanks for sharing. And my prayers are with you also Kathi! You da bomb girl!

 

[Kathi]

Well thanks for sharing. And my prayers are with you also Kathi! You da bomb girl!

 

[Danus]

Perhaps he's not "spiritually" or emotionally mature enough for mariage right now. If your having to draw out the boundaries and he's having a problem with that, or pushing your guilt button, then there is an issue, but you also seem to be falling for it as well.

 

[Kathi]

Perhaps he's not "spiritually" or emotionally mature enough for mariage right now. If your having to draw out the boundaries and he's having a problem with that, or pushing your guilt button, then there is an issue, but you also seem to be falling for it as well.

But don't you think it is important to love the person you are going to marry?

 

[Danus]

But don't you think it is important to love the person you are going to marry?

Sure, but that depends on ones definition of love. We live in a culture where the word love often means less than the definition of it.

A man should love a woman like Christ loves the church and a woman should obey that man. That means that that man should give his life for that woman. She is his concern, not her master, or child. I don't mean this to be misogynistic idea. I love my wife, but I am the spiritual leader of my family, at the same time, what she says goes. She has her role, I have mine. She follows my lead and I do what she needs.

 

[Whattodo222]

Sure, but that depends on ones definition of love. We live in a culture where the word love often means less than the definition of it.

A man should love a woman like Christ loves the church and a woman should obey that man. That means that that man should give his life for that woman. She is his concern, not her master, or child. I don't mean this to be misogynistic idea. I love my wife, but I am the spiritual leader of my family, at the same time, what she says goes. She has her role, I have mine. She follows my lead and I do what she needs.

I agree Danus. I know it seems like I have been "falling for it" but in all honesty I've just been trying to take this relationship with an approach contrary to societies definition of love. But I'm a little foggy because I've never done that before. I totally let my flesh control me on previous relationships and this time I'm not. But I have also been careful not to dismiss a good man. Because by many standard he is a very good man.

He's making changes to try to get on the same page as me spiritually but I think I was looking for someone who already had that going on.

 

[Whattodo222]

My first priority is my relationship with God and he isn't harming that. So I'm letting it roll. Like I said I am in discipleship counseling and he is also doing it. I'm just worried it's a trying to please me behavior and not a deep desire to grown in God.

Even tho he says it is and he truly is learning stuff how to be more dependent on God and not others. But the pressure of being with someone who isn't secure in themselves and swears they are is exhausting. I feel like I'll never be enough and I've voiced all of this to him.