I know now that this is going to end up being a bit of a long read but I hope someone finds it worth it.
Honestly, I am wondering where to even begin... I guess I will start at the beginning. ;)
Growing up I knew of God. My family was not the church going type, but they were not non-believers either. I went to vacation Bible school like every other young kid I knew, pretty much just to play kickball and have a good time. My life was pretty decent. Then I got into my teens and could not seem to stay out of trouble. And when I say trouble, I mean trouble. I was a REALLY bad kid. I hated any form of authority and I loved to push peoples buttons. I liked to be the center of attention no matter what. Mix those three things together and it becomes poison. I hurt a lot of people and I hurt myself. I had no remorse and truly believed that I had no conscience. I listened to Marilyn Manson, drew Satanic symbols on my books at school, made fun of Christians...and not at all because I was a Satanist or even an Atheist for that matter. I did it because the majority of my teachers in school and my peers and my friends parents were Christians. I knew that if I walked into their house wearing a pentagram necklace and a Marilyn Manson t-shirt that they were going to be paying attention to me. I truly thrived off of negative attention.
By the age of sixteen I had graduated to O.D.Y.S. (Ohio Department Of Youth Services), or juvenile prison. There I found God as most inmates tend to do. When your alone and hopeless God comes in handy. And I had a pretty rough time during my incarceration. The guards that are hired to protect you and keep order in the facility are the very same ones abusing the kids and causing disorder. So I became a Christian. Then In almost two years, I was released.
I went directly back into my old lifestyle. Only this time I had heard so much about drugs while in D.Y.S. that I wanted to go down that road. Now that was who I looked up to. I wanted to be a big time user/dealer. I didn't so much want the money as I wanted the...you guessed it...attention. I wanted to know everyone and supply everyone. My list of drugs I had experimented with grew by the month. Marijuana, Cocaine, Methamphetamine, Psilocybin Mushrooms, DXM, Inhalants, Dramamine, Salvia Divinorum, Opiates - Heroin & pharms. ...I could go on and on. I started using drugs for the status but they soon became my escape. In 2004 I was arrested on three Felony counts of trafficking Crack Cocaine. I was sentenced to seventeen months in O.D.R.C. (Ohio Department of Rehabilitation and Correction), adult prison.
Again I got back into studying the Bible. I went to church. I witnessed to other inmates. I defended my faith to other inmates. Everything was looking up. It was looking as if I had finally truly found God's grace. I was accepted into an early release program and was due to be set free in less than a month. Then one morning I received a phone call. It was my Mom telling me that my childhood friend and Fiancee of three years had just died in a bad car accident. She burned to death. I immediately cursed God. I ripped apart my Bibles and threw them in the trash. I denounced my faith and set out on a personal mission to convince others that not only is there no God, but that if there were, he was evil.
When I was released everyday once again became a party. I made it through a year of parole but then I quit my job and partied it up. All this time being an avid Atheist just waiting for an argument. Half the time I couldn't even stand to be around myself. I met a girl named Kalena who is now my Fiancee of three years and also the mother of my beautiful little baby girl who will be turning two in March. Kalena helped me to stop using the drugs and alcohol and to start bettering myself. My life started turning around and as things got better I began to question my initial reaction towards God when I got that phone call in prison. I am in a better spot now than I have ever been in my entire life. Should I have just trusted God and let his will be done even though I was so angry and hurt? I thought about that a lot.
About three weeks ago a good friend of mine convinced me to go to church with him. I was nervous about going because of the people there. People know my name. I finally got all that attention I always wanted funny thing is that now I don't want it. But the people were fine. Covered in tattoos and a few piercings no one looked at me funny. People talked to me. They welcomed me. I decided to go with Mike a few more times.
A little less than two weeks ago I begged for God's forgiveness. I asked Jesus into my heart. I asked that the Holy Spirit be allowed to work on me. I asked for patience and I asked for guidance. And I asked for the ability to trust God even at my weakest moments when it seems like all hope has failed. Because one thing I learned from all this is that with God, there is always hope. You might give up on Him, but He will NEVER give up on you.
I became a real Atheist. I wasn't doing it this whole time just for attention. God made me a gifted speaker and I spoke against him. God made me a good writer and I wrote against him. I really believed for years that there was no chance of their being an actual God. And I had some good arguments. Even now as a believer I still have questions. But I for one have learned a lesson about not trusting God. So rather than my questions causing me to disbelieve...I am just going to trust God to answer them when he sees fit.
Thank you all so much for taking the time to read my testimony. I tried to shorten it up a bit but hopefully you found some meaning in it all. I really believe that God put me through all the things I have been through in my life to prepare me to be a powerful voice for Him. I have spent enough of my time taking away from God and his people...Now I believe He is ready for me to give a little back.
Honestly, I am wondering where to even begin... I guess I will start at the beginning. ;)
Growing up I knew of God. My family was not the church going type, but they were not non-believers either. I went to vacation Bible school like every other young kid I knew, pretty much just to play kickball and have a good time. My life was pretty decent. Then I got into my teens and could not seem to stay out of trouble. And when I say trouble, I mean trouble. I was a REALLY bad kid. I hated any form of authority and I loved to push peoples buttons. I liked to be the center of attention no matter what. Mix those three things together and it becomes poison. I hurt a lot of people and I hurt myself. I had no remorse and truly believed that I had no conscience. I listened to Marilyn Manson, drew Satanic symbols on my books at school, made fun of Christians...and not at all because I was a Satanist or even an Atheist for that matter. I did it because the majority of my teachers in school and my peers and my friends parents were Christians. I knew that if I walked into their house wearing a pentagram necklace and a Marilyn Manson t-shirt that they were going to be paying attention to me. I truly thrived off of negative attention.
By the age of sixteen I had graduated to O.D.Y.S. (Ohio Department Of Youth Services), or juvenile prison. There I found God as most inmates tend to do. When your alone and hopeless God comes in handy. And I had a pretty rough time during my incarceration. The guards that are hired to protect you and keep order in the facility are the very same ones abusing the kids and causing disorder. So I became a Christian. Then In almost two years, I was released.
I went directly back into my old lifestyle. Only this time I had heard so much about drugs while in D.Y.S. that I wanted to go down that road. Now that was who I looked up to. I wanted to be a big time user/dealer. I didn't so much want the money as I wanted the...you guessed it...attention. I wanted to know everyone and supply everyone. My list of drugs I had experimented with grew by the month. Marijuana, Cocaine, Methamphetamine, Psilocybin Mushrooms, DXM, Inhalants, Dramamine, Salvia Divinorum, Opiates - Heroin & pharms. ...I could go on and on. I started using drugs for the status but they soon became my escape. In 2004 I was arrested on three Felony counts of trafficking Crack Cocaine. I was sentenced to seventeen months in O.D.R.C. (Ohio Department of Rehabilitation and Correction), adult prison.
Again I got back into studying the Bible. I went to church. I witnessed to other inmates. I defended my faith to other inmates. Everything was looking up. It was looking as if I had finally truly found God's grace. I was accepted into an early release program and was due to be set free in less than a month. Then one morning I received a phone call. It was my Mom telling me that my childhood friend and Fiancee of three years had just died in a bad car accident. She burned to death. I immediately cursed God. I ripped apart my Bibles and threw them in the trash. I denounced my faith and set out on a personal mission to convince others that not only is there no God, but that if there were, he was evil.
When I was released everyday once again became a party. I made it through a year of parole but then I quit my job and partied it up. All this time being an avid Atheist just waiting for an argument. Half the time I couldn't even stand to be around myself. I met a girl named Kalena who is now my Fiancee of three years and also the mother of my beautiful little baby girl who will be turning two in March. Kalena helped me to stop using the drugs and alcohol and to start bettering myself. My life started turning around and as things got better I began to question my initial reaction towards God when I got that phone call in prison. I am in a better spot now than I have ever been in my entire life. Should I have just trusted God and let his will be done even though I was so angry and hurt? I thought about that a lot.
About three weeks ago a good friend of mine convinced me to go to church with him. I was nervous about going because of the people there. People know my name. I finally got all that attention I always wanted funny thing is that now I don't want it. But the people were fine. Covered in tattoos and a few piercings no one looked at me funny. People talked to me. They welcomed me. I decided to go with Mike a few more times.
A little less than two weeks ago I begged for God's forgiveness. I asked Jesus into my heart. I asked that the Holy Spirit be allowed to work on me. I asked for patience and I asked for guidance. And I asked for the ability to trust God even at my weakest moments when it seems like all hope has failed. Because one thing I learned from all this is that with God, there is always hope. You might give up on Him, but He will NEVER give up on you.
I became a real Atheist. I wasn't doing it this whole time just for attention. God made me a gifted speaker and I spoke against him. God made me a good writer and I wrote against him. I really believed for years that there was no chance of their being an actual God. And I had some good arguments. Even now as a believer I still have questions. But I for one have learned a lesson about not trusting God. So rather than my questions causing me to disbelieve...I am just going to trust God to answer them when he sees fit.
Thank you all so much for taking the time to read my testimony. I tried to shorten it up a bit but hopefully you found some meaning in it all. I really believe that God put me through all the things I have been through in my life to prepare me to be a powerful voice for Him. I have spent enough of my time taking away from God and his people...Now I believe He is ready for me to give a little back.
