[__ Prayer __] i think i want out of here...

[Christ_empowered]

Me, yet again. I Praise The Lord for His goodness, mercy, and love and compassion. He has willed to do a mighty work in my life, and I've only been genuinely saved--and that by a miracle-- for 4 1/2 years. Thing is...

....I don't think the oppression will stop, as long as I'm around here. Its fairly obvious that I was fully, definitely expected to be dead by 23. I am now 33, and remarkably healthy and...normal, whole. That's part of God's work in my life, and I am increasingly thankful.

Details of my psychiatric "treatment" have been shared with people around here for a long, long time. The other night, maybe 3 AM, I woke up, couldn't get back to sleep, so I went out on the front porch. Some dudes were in the yard of the house in front and to the corner on my parents' yard, laughing about stuff from my psych history...from when I was a teenager, at college, years ago. I'm fairly certain they were drinking and such, but...yeah. That happens alot.

Today, I went to get an iced coffee early, from Dunkin Donuts drive in. No big thing, not really...except I could see the lady worker at the drive thru, through the window. She and the other lady were clearly talking about me. Word on the street now is that I was severely narcissistic, I have Schizophrenia, now I'm a felon and on a court order (that's when a judge signs an order requiring someone to show up at a clinic to be injected with a long acting antipsychotic, at regular intervals). Thing is...

...well, I have misdemeanor, I'm off probation (Praise God!), and I'm just on disability, prescribed psych drugs to take "voluntarily." As for narcissism, schizophrenia, all that...

well, they're not real, not like broken bones are real or cancer is real or...any bona fide health problems most doctors deal with are real, actual problems. I had a lot of problems, I needed attention, I was immature and needed guidance, and...the psychiatrists quickly destroyed me, and laughed about it and blamed me. Happens a good bit, actually.

These days...I dunno. Its sad that all that happened, but The Lord willed to spare me throughout and forgive me, and now I'm healthy and smart and bright eyed, remarkably normal and...its a trap, it really is.

So...yeah. More of this, still happening. I don't know what to do, honestly. I realize that the --big-- thing is God's work in my life, and I'm trying to really absorb that and live accordingly. I have been praying that The Lord will guide me and soften my heart so I can and will be guided.

I just...get...so...tired. Really, really tired. Exhausted, even. And I don't know what to do. I was given heavy shock "treatments" (not voluntarily...) age 20, again age 23. Its funny. When you're labeled "mentally ill" and given such "treatments," the psychiatrists talk about how it helps "symptoms" and such. For me, I was (and am...) so despised that they're more honest: "f@ggot don't need brain cells," etc. Ouch.

Clearly, I think a change would do me good. A problem there is that psych records do not ever just go away, and my former psychiatrists went so far with me that I am concerned that they'll make trouble for me wherever I go. Its happened before. Still, I'm a Born Again Christian now, so I am hoping+praying that The Lord will make a way for me to go to another place and have a normal life somewhere, hopefully making a way for me to say good bye to Mental Health, Inc. once and for all.

Thanks yet again for your prayers, support, replies, etc. I reallly do appreciate it.

 

[Papa Zoom]

Will be praying for you. Sorry for what you are dealing with.

 

[Eugene]

.
Blessing in Christ Jesus Brother Christ_empowered. I continue to personally believe many of the things you're hearing are the direct result of the many aspects of schizophrenia that an adjustment of your medication might show surprising improvement, only make sure that it is the doctor doing the adjusting. I've been around many people with problems such as you're experiencing, and I've never heard one of them subjected to the ridicule you hear. Again, I've also known those that even hear the TV talking about them, but that too is the normal self condemnation of one's past to my understanding. I continue in prayer for you.

 

[Christ_empowered]

hi. me again.

honestly, ive been all over the map lately. not always a bad thing, but...yeah. i do think there's some psychotic stuff going on. what i don't get is...OK, if when I was electroshocked and everything else nearly 10 years ago I had a 95 IQ and they said it was "severe narcissism," I get saved, my IQ is up now, but my diagnosis is somewhere in the realm of Bipolar I w/psychotic features or some kind of Schizophrenia w/ a mood element (for whatever reason, Schizoaffective hasn't been mentioned...), what gives?

I mean....lots of brain damage and a low-ish IQ gives way to...a better IQ estimate, but severe mental illness? Ummm...OK. I mean, yeah, I'll take an Abilify in just a minute, no problem, but...I don't get it. At all.

Anyway, I was in my bed, chilling out, and praying a bit, and I think The Lord put it on my heart...be content in all things. This is your life, right now. Be thankful

Yes, I have a diagnosis of severe mental illness. Yes, I was a horrible, wretched human being and I did all kinds of sinful, horrible, even criminal things. And now...

washed and made clean. saved and set free. forgiven. Its funny....now, I'm taller (not tall, but a work-able height...), I have a good face now (I used to be an "ugly flamer," now I'm apparently "too pretty to be heterosexual" LOL), my once scarred and destroyed follicles (that = NO REGROWTH, btw) have given way to incredibly thick hair, 0 premature aging....and...

...more importantly, I'm different on the inside, too. My dad chats me up. Nothing too touchy feely, but he loves me and he cares for me, and he's much more tolerant of me than in years past. My mother loves me and is kind to me, and I'm far more able to take a genuine interest in her life and all...

...and yet, I'm on disability for severe, chronic mental illness. Is it bipolar? Is it Schizophrenia? i mean...how many angels can dance on the head of this pin? Who knows, really?

I dunno. I also realize that most "mental patients" would be getting involuntary injections under these circumstances. I'm blessed, of course. I mean...I guess it doesn't matter that much, pill or injection, but...I have some power issues, especially with psychiatry.

Ugh. Its my Birthday, btw. Yes! By God's grace, I've made it to 33 years old, which is 10 years past my expected expiration date. God is good! I don't know about a j-o-b, but....I have life and that more abundantly, in Christ Jesus. That's a miracle, brought to me and my family by Jesus Himself.

OK. Daddy's heating up for food for him and mama. He brought me some sushi for my b-day meal, and he picked up an ice cream cake. I'm gonna take an Abilify (clearly, I'm a bit overdue...) and dig in.

Thanks again for the prayers, replies, support, etc.

 

[Pegasus]

hi. me again.

honestly, ive been all over the map lately. not always a bad thing, but...yeah. i do think there's some psychotic stuff going on. what i don't get is...OK, if when I was electroshocked and everything else nearly 10 years ago I had a 95 IQ and they said it was "severe narcissism," I get saved, my IQ is up now, but my diagnosis is somewhere in the realm of Bipolar I w/psychotic features or some kind of Schizophrenia w/ a mood element (for whatever reason, Schizoaffective hasn't been mentioned...), what gives?

I mean....lots of brain damage and a low-ish IQ gives way to...a better IQ estimate, but severe mental illness? Ummm...OK. I mean, yeah, I'll take an Abilify in just a minute, no problem, but...I don't get it. At all.

Anyway, I was in my bed, chilling out, and praying a bit, and I think The Lord put it on my heart...be content in all things. This is your life, right now. Be thankful

Yes, I have a diagnosis of severe mental illness. Yes, I was a horrible, wretched human being and I did all kinds of sinful, horrible, even criminal things. And now...

washed and made clean. saved and set free. forgiven. Its funny....now, I'm taller (not tall, but a work-able height...), I have a good face now (I used to be an "ugly flamer," now I'm apparently "too pretty to be heterosexual" LOL), my once scarred and destroyed follicles (that = NO REGROWTH, btw) have given way to incredibly thick hair, 0 premature aging....and...

...more importantly, I'm different on the inside, too. My dad chats me up. Nothing too touchy feely, but he loves me and he cares for me, and he's much more tolerant of me than in years past. My mother loves me and is kind to me, and I'm far more able to take a genuine interest in her life and all...

...and yet, I'm on disability for severe, chronic mental illness. Is it bipolar? Is it Schizophrenia? i mean...how many angels can dance on the head of this pin? Who knows, really?

I dunno. I also realize that most "mental patients" would be getting involuntary injections under these circumstances. I'm blessed, of course. I mean...I guess it doesn't matter that much, pill or injection, but...I have some power issues, especially with psychiatry.

Ugh. Its my Birthday, btw. Yes! By God's grace, I've made it to 33 years old, which is 10 years past my expected expiration date. God is good! I don't know about a j-o-b, but....I have life and that more abundantly, in Christ Jesus. That's a miracle, brought to me and my family by Jesus Himself.

OK. Daddy's heating up for food for him and mama. He brought me some sushi for my b-day meal, and he picked up an ice cream cake. I'm gonna take an Abilify (clearly, I'm a bit overdue...) and dig in.

Thanks again for the prayers, replies, support, etc.

Happy Birthday!

You hang in there. We are here for you Bro.

Maybe give Verna a call. You are always happy when you do that.

 

[th1b.taylor]

CE,
This can sound harsh but that way is not meant at all. In kindness of heart, you need to learn to ignore the laughing people around you. The chances are better than ninty-nine percent that they are talking about or laughing about something, completely, unrelated to you.

When you consider that there are billions of, truly, funny and that you condition is not funny at all, the chance of them talking about your, particularly, is less than one in a million or less. Your suspicion is preventing you from winning people over but if you pray, earnestly, to Jesus, for the removal of this burden, He will remove it and make your life much easier.

 

[Papa Zoom]

CE,
This can sound harsh but that way is not meant at all. In kindness of heart, you need to learn to ignore the laughing people around you. The chances are better than ninty-nine percent that they are talking about or laughing about something, completely, unrelated to you.

When you consider that there are billions of, truly, funny and that you condition is not funny at all, the chance of them talking about your, particularly, is less than one in a million or less. Your suspicion is preventing you from winning people over but if you pray, earnestly, to Jesus, for the removal of this burden, He will remove it and make your life much easier.

Hard to do but good advice. It's a reflection on those laughing. They are weak. But you're probably right that they are laughing about something entirely unrelated.

 

[th1b.taylor]

Hard to do but good advice. It's a reflection on those laughing. They are weak. But you're probably right that they are laughing about something entirely unrelated.

It is very difficult to do, I know, but I and if CE can managed it, we could be to the future Governor of his state.

 

[Christ_empowered]

me again. i walked outside and 1 neighbor was talking about me. awesome. at least i could see this dude. he shut up.


thanks for the replies+prayers. I --do-- need to pray for what I need to get over it and move forward, no matter what. ugh.

its just...they know where to hit, i guess. ive been in jail, so they talk about 'warrants' and 'prison' and 'jail,' etc. i dunno. by a miracle, the lawyer my parents got me had the mess i was in bargained down to a (serious) misdemeanor, and im off probation now, 2 years early (!!).

ugh. ive been off probation for 7 months now. there was an additional charge that was dismissed. it has now been expunged/erased.

i guess... i need to pray, and cling to truth. The Lord has moved and is moving in my life, Praise God!

Thanks again.