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Is God Punishing Me? My life seems devastating.

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OneHope

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Hello fellow CF members, I will just call myself OneHope (due to privacy reasons, I cannot reveal my common nickname and real name, since internet is extremely scary these days).

Been a Christian since I was born, but didn’t get so close to God till probably I was 14 years old onwards. Not known to many, I was a kid who suffered from Autism (not a serious case), but praise God that he is able to deliver me out.

This year I am 22 years of age. But things aren’t going well in my life to the point when I had to ask God: “Are you punishing me? Am I a lost cause person? If I am someone you hate, why not you just end my life now and just throw me in the lake of fire, right here, right now?”

It all started when I was young, Autistic person living an unknowingly, sinful life. Even as a minor, I was already partaking in Pornography, sex and even homosexuality even though my age was just a single digit.

In Primary school, I was bullied and “friends” took advantage of my autism for their entertainment when their school life is “boring”.

In Secondary School and even today, in my Polytechnic/Degree studies, the same thing happens. I thought, it first that, me being a good Friend is essential. But once their tank is full, they dump me, like a toy that is not needed anymore.

And then the time came, I realised that I was actually sexually abused, taken advantage of and treated badly. It started to make me back away from people, because I couldn’t believe it, I took part in sin that’s considered “normal” today.

I was alone (and possibly one of the most vulnerable positions in a Christian’s life), I prayed for God to send a Friend, a Brother in my life.

He did, but the happiness was short lived when a year later, he “ended” my friendship as to Ensure his reputation. He even smeared my reputation to others and even his church because he thought I was “gay” (when I didn’t do anything relatively close to loving acts other than hugs as a friendly gesture), unreasonable and just doing things to make him uncomfortable.

With friends aside, my family is usually very busy with their everyday lives. I don’t blame them, because they have a life to live, just like all of us. I couldn’t talk to them about my situation because I am not close to them.

To sum this all up (or TL:biggrinR), I had many abusive friends, a really busy family that don’t have time for me and no one in particular I could really trust other than God. And I know that being alone is a very vulnerable position, but I don’t have a choice.

Today, I am just induced in extreme fear and possibly depression (I am planning to see a psychiatrist soon). I am scared to make new friends, over the fear that the same thing will occur because it did even with God’s people. I continually expect nothing from people because, even though my church Pastor preaches that healthy expectations are fine, it seems that even my “essential” expectations are so difficult to fulfill for many, my “friends”, family and leaders.

Words can no longer describe my situation, if I were to do so, I would be actually writing 100 times longer than this). Everyday I go to sleep, in sadness, occasionally drenching my bed in cold sweat, having nightmares as well. I wake up feeling extremely down that nothing “much” is gonna happen. Even doing things I (used to) love to do, I could no longer find happiness in them; finding new hobbies didn’t do much either, it’s like finding a temporary activity to fill the void, but time flies and soon, the void returns again.

All I can ask is, what is God doing? If he is the king of all who loves me, why did he allow this to occur?
Do I deserve it?

It’s not really the enemies I have that I fear, it’s people that I trusted, ended up destroying me, even Christians, for the benefit of their own. In other words, God himself is the only one who knows how I feel exactly. No one else knows.
 
Dear OneHope, I wrote the following pamphlet during the worst time in my life. At that time I read the entire bible three times within three months. I needed answers, and faith came in like a flood to supply my need. When I can depend on the Captain of my salvation, I know I am welcome at God's throne of grace to meet my every need according to Heb 4:16.

You say you suffer persecution, and we're told in 2Ti 3:12 Yea, and all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution.

I hope this following study's answer to my hurt helps you in your quest for peace in your life.
Christian Sufferings
http://www.christianforums.net/Fellowship/index.php?threads/christian-sufferings.52898/
 
OneHope ,
It sounds like you've been through a few things in your life that many will never experience.
Please don't make the mistake in thinking God is punishing you. He is not. God was with you when you were going through all that... he didn't go away, and he won't.
There are no promises to anyone that they will not experience suffering. And suffering is not always associated with punishment.
Did Jesus do something wrong and was he punished by God on the cross? What about Job, was God punishing him? I say the answer is a resounding NO.
Bad things happen. It's a part of life. But a promise was made to you, and simply put, Jesus will never leave or forsake you... for any reason.
Instead of thinking God is punishing you, consider that God is for you, and with you. Together, you'll get out of this low place in your life. None of your experiences are wasted. You may not realize it now, but you can use your experiences one day to help another in a similar situation, and it will make you feel good.
A seed is planted, and it has to struggle to break through or the roots don't develop and the plant dies early. Your roots are being developed, and one day you will have big, beautiful fruit hanging from your branches.
I know it doesn't feel that way now, but trust me. Keep your head up, and trust in God. He loves you, and he is right by y uour side.
 
Hello fellow CF members, I will just call myself OneHope (due to privacy reasons, I cannot reveal my common nickname and real name, since internet is extremely scary these days).

Been a Christian since I was born, but didn’t get so close to God till probably I was 14 years old onwards. Not known to many, I was a kid who suffered from Autism (not a serious case), but praise God that he is able to deliver me out.

This year I am 22 years of age. But things aren’t going well in my life to the point when I had to ask God: “Are you punishing me? Am I a lost cause person? If I am someone you hate, why not you just end my life now and just throw me in the lake of fire, right here, right now?”

It all started when I was young, Autistic person living an unknowingly, sinful life. Even as a minor, I was already partaking in Pornography, sex and even homosexuality even though my age was just a single digit.

In Primary school, I was bullied and “friends” took advantage of my autism for their entertainment when their school life is “boring”.

In Secondary School and even today, in my Polytechnic/Degree studies, the same thing happens. I thought, it first that, me being a good Friend is essential. But once their tank is full, they dump me, like a toy that is not needed anymore.

And then the time came, I realised that I was actually sexually abused, taken advantage of and treated badly. It started to make me back away from people, because I couldn’t believe it, I took part in sin that’s considered “normal” today.

I was alone (and possibly one of the most vulnerable positions in a Christian’s life), I prayed for God to send a Friend, a Brother in my life.

He did, but the happiness was short lived when a year later, he “ended” my friendship as to Ensure his reputation. He even smeared my reputation to others and even his church because he thought I was “gay” (when I didn’t do anything relatively close to loving acts other than hugs as a friendly gesture), unreasonable and just doing things to make him uncomfortable.

With friends aside, my family is usually very busy with their everyday lives. I don’t blame them, because they have a life to live, just like all of us. I couldn’t talk to them about my situation because I am not close to them.

To sum this all up (or TL:biggrinR), I had many abusive friends, a really busy family that don’t have time for me and no one in particular I could really trust other than God. And I know that being alone is a very vulnerable position, but I don’t have a choice.

Today, I am just induced in extreme fear and possibly depression (I am planning to see a psychiatrist soon). I am scared to make new friends, over the fear that the same thing will occur because it did even with God’s people. I continually expect nothing from people because, even though my church Pastor preaches that healthy expectations are fine, it seems that even my “essential” expectations are so difficult to fulfill for many, my “friends”, family and leaders.

Words can no longer describe my situation, if I were to do so, I would be actually writing 100 times longer than this). Everyday I go to sleep, in sadness, occasionally drenching my bed in cold sweat, having nightmares as well. I wake up feeling extremely down that nothing “much” is gonna happen. Even doing things I (used to) love to do, I could no longer find happiness in them; finding new hobbies didn’t do much either, it’s like finding a temporary activity to fill the void, but time flies and soon, the void returns again.

All I can ask is, what is God doing? If he is the king of all who loves me, why did he allow this to occur?
Do I deserve it?

It’s not really the enemies I have that I fear, it’s people that I trusted, ended up destroying me, even Christians, for the benefit of their own. In other words, God himself is the only one who knows how I feel exactly. No one else knows.
Lots of sound advice in the responses
Hi dear friend , if life was fair then Jesus of all people would not have suffered and even crucified to death and he was perfect .. You are exactly who Jesus came and suffered for .. You sound like a great person and humble .. You are not alone and God wants you to have victory through Jesus and his Word .. If you will learn to love God's Word and willing to know it then that is the answer, a little time may pass but you've prayed and sounds like God has answered .. Fill yourself with the Word and it will be what comes out .. My people perish for lack of knowledge says the Lord .. You can rise above the worldly and be a blessing with the tools God has give us if you use them .. God Bless Bro .. And if you belong to Jesus then he will chastise you until you begin to do what he says .. I'm thankful for all my hardships in life as much as the blessings now that I look back even though at the time they seemed unpleasant .. I pray Jesus gives you your hearts desire and that he prepare you to receive it with wisdom and thanksgiving .. The abundant life ..
 
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