Is it normal to go long periods of time where

[20yrsmarried]

You feel like you are no longer in love with your spouse? You have good days but the bad days seem to outweigh the good days. Sometimes you think you would be happier getting a divorce, yet you don't want to be a statistic and end up with a broken family and the problems that come with that. I guess I just need some advice from seasoned couples. I wanna know that yes this is common but things get better?

 

[Edward]

May I ask if you're male or female?

 

[20yrsmarried]

Female

 

[reba]

just as you have ups and downs so will a marriage... been married just over 50 years .. some good some not some my doing some his

God hates divorce... and the next marriage or boy friend will have the same ups and downs........ we dont live on the mountain tops nor do we live in the valleys ...

 

[Edward]

Female

Ok. Welcome the forum sister.

I was married for 26 years. Yes, there will be plenty of ups and downs. Things do get better...if both put forth the effort to do so. If one has the desires of the world upon them, then they will not make honest effort. Your answers are all in the scriptures sister. Pray for guidance in the matter, and search them out.

You have duties as a wife, he has duties as a husband. Sometimes they don't seem fair but this is what God has said. What it comes down to, is will you be true to God, or will you choose the ways of the world? You know the risk, you said so.

I don't know anyone who is doing better divorced than when they were married. It may seem like it is a hard road to remain true to God and your marriage...but in the end, it will be worth it. This is promised.

Pray for your husband, and set a spiritual example for him. Things can turn around if you ask for help from God. The world will advise you to divorce him. This is the carnal mind speaking. The carnal mind is enmity with God. Things will not get better if you divorce him.

 

[20yrsmarried]

Thanks fir the sound advice, I know you're right but it's hard. He has a short fuse and will snap at me for any and everything. The thing the bothers me the most is when he does it in front of the kids, as he's painting the picture that it's ok for a husband to talk to his wife this way. Then when he tries to get affectionate or intimate, he acts clueless to why I'm not into it as much as he is. I'm used to him not pitching in to help around the house( I have to cook on Mother's Day Bdays etc) and I have to be the one to suggest dinner of I don't feel like cooking. But minor things become major when other things aren't measuring up. To be honest I feel like I'm just here to pleasure him sexually!

 

[gr8grace3]

You feel like you are no longer in love with your spouse? You have good days but the bad days seem to outweigh the good days. Sometimes you think you would be happier getting a divorce, yet you don't want to be a statistic and end up with a broken family and the problems that come with that. I guess I just need some advice from seasoned couples. I wanna know that yes this is common but things get better?

On the good days, love your spouse for who they are. On the bad days, love them because of who you are.

Virtue love. We love because He first loved us. We love because of Christ in us, not because of what is in the other person.

If we love, even on the bad days. There will be more good days to come.

 

[Knotical]

First of all, take the word "divorce" out of your vocabulary. When you make a commitment before God you are to hold to that. If you are having trouble finding the romance, or excitement in your marriage, then it may be time for some Christian marriage counseling. You could even go on a couples retreat if your church supports one, or try to find a church that is hosting one. But you should never let the "D" word enter the conversation.

 

[Kathi]

Did you genuinely love that person when you married him?

 

[Edward]

Thanks fir the sound advice, I know you're right but it's hard. He has a short fuse and will snap at me for any and everything. The thing the bothers me the most is when he does it in front of the kids, as he's painting the picture that it's ok for a husband to talk to his wife this way. Then when he tries to get affectionate or intimate, he acts clueless to why I'm not into it as much as he is. I'm used to him not pitching in to help around the house( I have to cook on Mother's Day Bdays etc) and I have to be the one to suggest dinner of I don't feel like cooking. But minor things become major when other things aren't measuring up. To be honest I feel like I'm just here to pleasure him sexually!

I think I know where he's at mentally. The same place I was when I was married. Thinking that as long as I went to work every day and didn't cheat, that I was some kind of an honorable man. I didn't want to get divorced and dodged the process server all the time. After she left, I made it a learning experience and realized, that working is a means to an end, and that my day is not over when I come home from work. It now begins! She worked all day at home too with the kids and cleaning. Her day got harder when I came home because she was waiting on me then also. I wont make that mistake again. I will help when I come home, and cook sometimes too. She gets breakfast in bed once a week, not once a year. We live and learn.

Knotical comes brutally to the point here, read his post again sister. Nothing is too hard for God to accomplish, and the prayers of a righteous man (or woman!) availath much. Don't let your hubby's mistakes get in the way of your walk with God. There is no rationalization which will give you Gods blessing to divorce. hang in there and cling to your Lord...do what you're supposed to do, and pray a lot. This is the best thing that you can do. I will pray for you both.

If you love this man...remember, that love is unconditional. You don't love him because he loves you...you just love him. That he is in a bad spot maritally and spiritually...means that he needs you more than ever right now. Love him, and do not be a victim, love can not be offended. He is the one that needs help, not you. So be there for him...just like Jesus was there for you.

If you do this, the potential is there for it to all turn around, and to show Gods power and to bring the Lord very much glory out of his work of saving you both and your marriage. Don't rationalize at this point, turn to the word of God and do what it says, period. The Lords ability to take the darkest situation and turn it around for good, is childs play for Him. God bless you both.

 

[Edward]

Another thing that many people do not realize is that, when he snaps at you or becomes angry and displays it...he's just confused, perhaps stressed and needs to overcome these difficulties in his life. But! Perspective will show us that the amount of anger that he displays, is highly indicitive of how much he loves you...(flip the coin), if he's still yelling at you, he still loves you. The time to worry, is when he clams up and stops speaking/yelling, becomes indifferent. Does this make sense to you?

As deep as the anger emotion goes...is as deep as the love goes.

 

[Kathi]

Breakdown in communication is not a good thing.

 

[Knotical]

Edward also brings up a great point. I don't know how many times the elders in our church try to drive this point home for the men in our church. Our days do not end when we leave work, and it is only pride that tells us otherwise. Also, if your husband is lashing out at you in any way, he is in the wrong in how he is choosing to deal with whatever issue that might be happening. I do catch myself every day about to lash out at someone in my family, but then try to take a step back and find a better way to handle the situation.

Marriage counseling or couples events focus on ways we can better communicate with our spouses. Good communication is one of the most important things in a marriage (as well as any other relationship, really).

When there is tension in a relationship one of the hardest things to do is sit down and talk things over without letting our pride get in our way. When dealing with a problem it is best to leave emotion out of it. That alone is extremely difficult, but if we take emotion out of something it becomes much easier to deal with.

 

[gr8grace3]

I have a hard time with this whole subject.First of all, men can't be men in our society anymore. Being firm and objective to an emotional person seems to be "short and snappy" but in reality, a complex situation can become simple,very simple, in reality. Do we want a solution or do we want a "drama?" Most problems can be solved very quickly in a firm and objective manner.

I think it is very disrespectful for a wife to come on a public forum and whine about her Husband. The same for a husband with his wife.

A wife should remember that having respect for Her Husband is a "fruit" in her life. The reward is even greater for the wife if she is respectful even if the husband doesn't deserve it. And She can bless him and her family by association if she follows the plan of God for her life.

Men are just attacked to the core anymore. The Curse of the man is to toil in his labor. If a wife is working and trying to raise Kids at the same time, the man is not being responsible with his authority. The mans authority is responsibility, not superiority.

Pick up his socks,wash his dishes,cook him meals, even when He does not deserve it. You will bless your family, yourself, and the pig that is not being responsible with the authority he has been given. This Christian life is ALWAYS about us, not about the person who bugs us, annoys us, irritates us. God puts them in our lives to shape US. Build our character,build our virtue.

 

[hallowbonnie]

20yrsmarried I sent you a PM

 

[Edward]

I have a hard time with this whole subject.First of all, men can't be men in our society anymore. Being firm and objective to an emotional person seems to be "short and snappy" but in reality, a complex situation can become simple,very simple, in reality. Do we want a solution or do we want a "drama?" Most problems can be solved very quickly in a firm and objective manner.

I think it is very disrespectful for a wife to come on a public forum and whine about her Husband. The same for a husband with his wife.

A wife should remember that having respect for Her Husband is a "fruit" in her life. The reward is even greater for the wife if she is respectful even if the husband doesn't deserve it. And She can bless him and her family by association if she follows the plan of God for her life.

Men are just attacked to the core anymore. The Curse of the man is to toil in his labor. If a wife is working and trying to raise Kids at the same time, the man is not being responsible with his authority. The mans authority is responsibility, not superiority.

Pick up his socks,wash his dishes,cook him meals, even when He does not deserve it. You will bless your family, yourself, and the pig that is not being responsible with the authority he has been given. This Christian life is ALWAYS about us, not about the person who bugs us, annoys us, irritates us. God puts them in our lives to shape US. Build our character,build our virtue.

Oh, come on brother. Geez, cut the girl some slack. She's in a stressful situation and looking for advice and answers, which is respectable. Maybe there's a better way, maybe her choice of words could be better...whatever. The main point is that she is a sister in the Lord and seeking answers and advice from other brothers and sisters and that last thing she needs now is for a thin skinned male to take offense and begin taking her to task for not being polite enough to men in general. Can't you set aside the emotion and focus upon her needs and perhaps give her some polite guidance? This would be the brotherly thing to do here.

I find her candor and humility to be refreshing and encouraging in that she could be handling this in a much worser way than coming to a Christian forum to ask for advice.

 

[gr8grace3]

Oh, come on brother. Geez, cut the girl some slack. She's in a stressful situation and looking for advice and answers, which is respectable. Maybe there's a better way, maybe her choice of words could be better...whatever. The main point is that she is a sister in the Lord and seeking answers and advice from other brothers and sisters and that last thing she needs now is for a thin skinned male to take offense and begin taking her to task for not being polite enough to men in general. Can't you set aside the emotion and focus upon her needs and perhaps give her some polite guidance? This would be the brotherly thing to do here.

I find her candor and humility to be refreshing and encouraging in that she could be handling this in a much worser way than coming to a Christian forum to ask for advice.

I am setting aside the emotion, Brother. Step up to the plate, don't complain and live in the Plan of God. Love and live because of who you are in Christ. Don't let people dictate who you are. And I believe my advice is solid. If we live because of what Christ did for us, instead of concentrating on what other people are doing to us, we are blessed and building character and the virtue that the Lord wants in us.

Everybody says don't do the "d" word. If He is taking her away from doctrine and won't let her study and learn. Divorce him. A mans authority can't keep a woman away from doctrine and study. But if she can study and learn doctrine and he does not hinder her spiritual growth, then follow his plan and grow in the Lord despite the irritations or faults of other people.

 

[Edward]

I am setting aside the emotion, Brother. Step up to the plate, don't complain and live in the Plan of God. Love and live because of who you are in Christ. Don't let people dictate who you are. And I believe my advice is solid. If we live because of what Christ did for us, instead of concentrating on what other people are doing to us, we are blessed and building character and the virtue that the Lord wants in us.

Everybody says don't do the "d" word. If He is taking her away from doctrine and won't let her study and learn. Divorce him. A mans authority can't keep a woman away from doctrine and study. But if she can study and learn doctrine and he does not hinder her spiritual growth, then follow his plan and grow in the Lord despite the irritations or faults of other people.

Well, but how do you know where she is in her walk with the Lord? She may be less mature in the Lord than others and so asking questions, or may be under emotional stress which has the tendency to make one forget certain precepts of doctrine. It happens to us all here and there.

I believe that you contradicted yourself somewhat. You say to live for the Lord without regard to what anyone does to us, yet in the 2nd paragraph say to divorce him if he presents a challenge to her doctrine and walk. That's two different things brother. She needs to cling to the Lord and what His Word says moreso than anything, and regardless of how he attempts (consciously or unconsciously) to keep her away from her walk or doctrine. The Lord promises to not put more upon us than we can bear, so scripture is clearly saying that she should not divorce him, but to look to the Lord for strength and guidance. In this way, she will grow in the Lord despite his distractions and irritations as you say. Moreover, if she hangs in there, and also continues to pray for him and to set the example, he may turn his heart around and be saved and be blessed (the whole marriage) for enduring and overcoming this trial.

 

[gr8grace3]

Well, but how do you know where she is in her walk with the Lord? She may be less mature in the Lord than others and so asking questions, or may be under emotional stress which has the tendency to make one forget certain precepts of doctrine. It happens to us all here and there.

I believe that you contradicted yourself somewhat. You say to live for the Lord without regard to what anyone does to us, yet in the 2nd paragraph say to divorce him if he presents a challenge to her doctrine and walk. That's two different things brother. She needs to cling to the Lord and what His Word says moreso than anything, and regardless of how he attempts (consciously or unconsciously) to keep her away from her walk or doctrine. The Lord promises to not put more upon us than we can bear, so scripture is clearly saying that she should not divorce him, but to look to the Lord for strength and guidance. In this way, she will grow in the Lord despite his distractions and irritations as you say. Moreover, if she hangs in there, and also continues to pray for him and to set the example, he may turn his heart around and be saved and be blessed (the whole marriage) for enduring and overcoming this trial.

Go back to my first post, Edward. In respect for your walk, I will bother you no more in this thread.

 

[Edward]

I just think that you should be a little more compassionate to the girl instead of being defensive.