it was NOT WORTH IT

[DeepBlueSea]

The whole story: two years ago, God led me to an amazing church. We are an international mega church of about 7000 members at our location alone. It has an amazing singles department. I have been blessed beyond belief with these friends as I have grown tremendously in the Lord; these people and my church have come to mean a lot to me. The thought of losing it is devastating to me.. which is weird because three years ago I had zero interest in going to church.

I am currently learning a VERY HARD lesson on how deliberate and sustained sin can literally spill over and infect every aspect of your life; no matter how much you convince yourself you can keep "that part" separate. Long story short, there is a guy in my circle of friends who I have been sleeping with for a year and a half now. We both kept this to ourselves, and even had several conversations about how we needed to stop it and how we KNEW without a doubt that we were wrong. However, we kept it up anyway, consitantly for a year and a half. I was secretly spending the night at his house about 3 to 4 times a week.. so it was pretty serious.

Because of this, the last 8 weeks have led me into a series of events and I am now on a serious emotional downward spiral.

The first thing that happened, was me and this guy started arguing about things which led to a MAJOR arguement in front of everyone; the things that were said made it obvious what had been going on. (he threw his house key at me and told me to get my crap out of his house). In the following weeks, I tried to talk to him and resolve things but he was cold and refused to talk to me- which was like a knife in my heart. Then things got really tense between us because he was ignoring me and I was growing in resentment. This has spread throughout the group. It has gotten to the point where I was deliberately left off an invite list three weeks ago because a choice had to be made between him or I, as the person having the party did not want to be around us both together (because of the tension and the digs back and forth we were making, etc.. basically behaving really badly).

This is literally killing me. Not only has my resentment towards this guy grown into full blown unresolved anger even bordering on hatred.. i feel horribly disconnected from the rest of my christian friends. I understand why I was not invited to that party three weeks ago but it cut me so deep when I found out about it. I have since gone to two or three of the girls in the group who I feel close to and told them the whole truth and asked for their prayers, support, and advice. They were understanding but told me that the bitterness between him and I was becoming a problem.. and they are absolutely right.

I have been spending alot of time at home alone since, going through a range of emotions. I know God uses people and circumstances to grow us in our faith, hes puts us through the "refining fires" as they say.... and I believe this is one of those times for me. I am praying so hard for God to show up and intervene as I feel so alone as a result of all this. I still have not resolved anything with that guy, and that alone has been consuming me.. the anger and frusteratation I feel towards him has been keeping me away from the group by my own choosing as well. That emotion is also mixed with typical "break up" emotions such as missing him, etc.

I truly feel God is digging down deep in my heart in order to heal me in other ways and make me stronger. But in the meantime, THIS HURTS. I cant seem to shake this isolated, disconnected feeling. And to add to it, I see the guy involved carrying on, having fun with the group as though none of it ever happened.. and as though I dont even exist. He appears to be totally unaffected!! Where is God in THAT? HOW IS THAT FAIR??

In retrospect, none of this was worth it and I actually got off pretty easy considering what the consequences could have been. But I am hurting so bad.. and I know to pray, trust God, and know He has a plan for this but.. in the meantime, my heart is aching so bad sometimes I cant take it.

Now I KNOW why we are not supposed to do this.. IT WAS JUST NOT WORTH IT! I want to feel connected to those friends again and I want this fear of being left out and rejected forever to stop... and I want this pain over the lose of the relationship to be healed. It was not worth it.. I care about this guy alot but I know God stripped it from us for obvious reasons.

Anyone been here before? What do you think? ANY thoughts would be awesome..as I cant sleep tonight..

 

[Alabaster]

I am familiar with this sort of problem, as we are members of a church like yours, not as big, but I think very similar. Is it a cell church?

Anyway, when this has happened where a couple has crossed the line morally, they are both disciplined. Why is this man not being disciplined? Part of the discipline would be for him to repent and then be set apart from the church and/or his cell group for specific length of time, and advised to spend time with God, and check in with his leader/mentor regularly. That should have happened with you. Instead, you have been kind of cut off and he is not experiencing any fallout. This is not right.

Both of you sinned and both of you need to experience discipline for it--not just one!

My sympathy goes out to you and I am proud of your forthrightness and humility sharing your transgression. You show genuine remorse, godly sorrow, and that is all good.

I am not sure I would consider this time in your life as a period of refining sent by God, but rather it is a major comeuppance, isn't it? God will take your repentance and grief and change your heart to make it strong again. You will develop a heart for hurting women, I am sure!

God can use the rubble in our lives to build a shining city, just as Nehemiah (whose name means, 'Comforter'!) gathered up the rubble to rebuild Jerusalem, that city of God--for His glory! He also rehung charred and broken down gates, which represent broken down gates of control in our lives, and they became strong barriers against the enemy who tried to stop the work of rebuilding from going on--Holy Spirit can rebuild you, too!

Feel free to PM me.

 

[JohnEboy1983]

Hi DeepBlueSea,

We all have good desires. Sometimes those good desires lead to sinful actions. I myself have experienced such and can completely relate to you. You just want to love and be loved, its understandable. I wish you could truly see how much I understand your pain and how much my heart goes out for you. I am a guy, but am actually alot more emotional than many other guys. I have a very hard time with breakups myself because I get attached so easily. I messed up in the past also, maybe not quite on the level you did, but I did lose my virginity three years ago to a woman I was engaged to and thought i was going to marry. Been single and lonely since but recently I shared some intimate kisses with a person two nights in a row before it was ended on my part because God dealt with me because her heart was elsewhere and could not be given right now due to her circumstances, and I would only get more hurt later on. I remained more obedient then I did with my ex fiance, but those kisses brought almost as much emotional pain on me because of the quick attachment I made to her. I believe I was saved from some major heartache by making wise, but hard decision. Because of my past mistake with my ex fiance, I was able to avoid a major pitfall again, even though I did suffer quite a bit of emotional damage. You may have just majorly stumbled but it is this experience that I believe will help you grow stronger for the future. You may face many more lonely and darkened days thinking about this guy even when your friends and family are near you because of the tie you have made. I wish there was an easy fix to the pain you are going through but really there is not. Just learn and try your best to move on. It will be extremely hard... I know, but God has many great things for you in the future.. this is not the end. I pray for speedy recovery, but sometimes the consequences of our actions have that horrible outcome nobody wants to go through, but just know that God may have done you a huge favor, as he has done for me twice. Maybe this man may still be the man you will end up with someday, but you need to move on and not hope for that to happen. God will forgive you and bless you, just trust in him to lead your life and most importantly learn from your mistakes. Praying for many blessings for you.
Sincerely,
John

 

[DeepBlueSea]

Thanks for the awesome, helpful replies. I will PM you as soon as I figure out how to do it! I am still not sure how to use this site.. including responding to mail, etc. But Ill mess around with it and get it sooner or later. I think finding this site is going to help me alot.. with being able to write out my thoughts knowing they will be read by someone who understands.

I am still struggling but have been encouraged by being able to put it out there on this site.

I am still not sure why the guy involved appears to have NO consequences..?? isnt it biblical that God will deal with him too? It seems so unjust that I am going through this emotional turmoil and he is acting like the happiest guy on Earth. Of course, I have NO IDEA what is going on his heart (because he wont talk to me) and he went through a really bad divorce about 5 years ago.. so his heart is hard and damaged anyway (this i already knew a long time ago). So to say he has no consequences may not be true.. either that or they are yet to come. What does it say in the Bible about that?

My prayer now is that this does not isolate me from my group because there is without a doubt a seed of hatred and bitterness that I KNOW for a fact shows right now, even when I try to put on a "face". I am hoping that it is not Gods will that I isolate and separate from this group.. I cant imagine that it would be. I mean, it IS biblical that we are to be connected to a body of believers, and I dont think God would take me out of that. What do you think? I fear being outcasted.. and as I sat there praying on this, I felt this sense of "what if that happened? what if i was separated from the group? would i still love God? would i be OK with God alone?" and I really had to think about that.. and pray on that. Because we are to learn to come to a point of 'God Alone'... think about David hiding alone in the cave... (when he wrote psalm 142).

I am also certain this is a time of refinement because I am learning some pretty serious stuff right now.. as I pray through this and go up and down emotionally, I am learning a major lesson on trusting God. I am continually reminded that God has gone before me, He knows what the outcome is. I am learning to be still and let God work things out.. (exodus 14:14... i love this one.. ) Every time I am tempted to pick up the phone and call that guy, I stop myself and remember that God is going to take care of this. I need to do nothing but pray and turn this over to Him every day. I am learning that sexual sin has consequences and God is pretty serious about not letting things like that in His church. I mean, i KNEW what I was doing the whole time and it was almost like I was hoping God would "overlook" it.. I cant believe how I was justifying my actions!!

And a major question I am working through right now.. WHY am I sorry? Am I TRULY repentant for the grievance against God? Or am I sorry that I "got caught"? I mean.. I SAY i am truly repentant but when I dig down deep in my heart, I am not totally certain I would not go there again! A small part of my heart thinks that if this man said and did the right things.. I would slip right back into the same sin!! How crazy is that?! Because to be totally honest, I was not this sorry until my heart got broken So how do we know we are truly repentant?

So yeah I am a mess.. but I am trying hard to listen with a sharp ear and an open heart.. because I truly do want to hear what God has to say to me.

Please pray that God will soften his heart so that he will talk this out with me, and if he doesnt.. please pray that I may still have peace with that.. through God alone. And please pray for my relationship with my small group- because they mean so much to me.

thanks so much for reading this!

 

[JohnEboy1983]

I am still not sure why the guy involved appears to have NO consequences..?? isnt it biblical that God will deal with him too? It seems so unjust that I am going through this emotional turmoil and he is acting like the happiest guy on Earth. Of course, I have NO IDEA what is going on his heart (because he wont talk to me) and he went through a really bad divorce about 5 years ago.. so his heart is hard and damaged anyway (this i already knew a long time ago). So to say he has no consequences may not be true.. either that or they are yet to come. What does it say in the Bible about that?

We all face consequences to our actions in some way or another. He may not face the same consequences in the same way you did. I know a friend of mine who has an ex son in law who would always take shortcuts in life and on his taxes. It eventually caught up to him and his own business went downhill big time. It lost God's blessing. He may not have suffered a consequence by being caught by the law, but he suffered in another way from God. The part about his heart being very hard possibly because of a hard divorce sounds exactly like the girl I was telling you about who I kissed. She went through a divorce and I believe her heart is very hard right now also. She actually told me she didnt care if she got hurt but cared about me. She said she didnt want to see me hurt. I believe the hardened heart is a very dangerous thing as it is because we can never get any closer to God while we keep our hearts hardened. Hardened hearts affect the way we live our life, our attitudes and so much more. His hardened heart will only lead him to missing Gods awesome plan for his life if he continues living like that. It sounds like he is actually far from God right now but enjoys being with the friends he has in church or likes the groups and it is not about God for him.

My prayer now is that this does not isolate me from my group because there is without a doubt a seed of hatred and bitterness that I KNOW for a fact shows right now, even when I try to put on a "face". I am hoping that it is not Gods will that I isolate and separate from this group.. I cant imagine that it would be. I mean, it IS biblical that we are to be connected to a body of believers, and I dont think God would take me out of that. What do you think? I fear being outcasted.. and as I sat there praying on this, I felt this sense of "what if that happened? what if i was separated from the group? would i still love God? would i be OK with God alone?" and I really had to think about that.. and pray on that. Because we are to learn to come to a point of 'God Alone'... think about David hiding alone in the cave... (when he wrote psalm 142).

It is Gods will that we should be connected to a body of believers, but that doesnt mean you have to stay connected to THIS body of believers. After all the stuff that happened and this guys standing with this group or church, I dont think it would be very wise to stay where you are at. You will always run into this guy and it will create alot of emotions. If you are questioning whether you would still love God if you were seperated from it, then you need to ask yourself what have you been loving more this whole time. The group/church or God himself?

Every time I am tempted to pick up the phone and call that guy, I stop myself and remember that God is going to take care of this.

Is this for some type of closure?

And a major question I am working through right now.. WHY am I sorry? Am I TRULY repentant for the grievance against God? Or am I sorry that I "got caught"? I mean.. I SAY i am truly repentant but when I dig down deep in my heart, I am not totally certain I would not go there again! A small part of my heart thinks that if this man said and did the right things.. I would slip right back into the same sin!! How crazy is that?! Because to be totally honest, I was not this sorry until my heart got broken So how do we know we are truly repentant?

It sounds to me like you will go running back to this guy into the same things you were doing if you had the chance to. I think you are more sorry that you got caught and all of this is happenening than you are that you have been sinning. To know you are truly repentant is a change of heart about something. Has your heart truly changed? Are you truly sorry that you have been sinning this whole time against God, yourself and this man, or only that you have been caught and are hurting now? Sometimes getting caught can bring us to a state of repentance though. If you are truly repentant your heart should be changed enough to not want to go back into that old lifestyle. It doesnt mean we wont have our difficulties, but we will be truly sorry about the action of sin causing us to want to change, rather than just being caught. I honestly think you need to get out of this church/group. You are making this place your God. You need to make God, your'e God.

 

[Forgiven83]

Thanks for the awesome, helpful replies. I will PM you as soon as I figure out how to do it! I am still not sure how to use this site.. including responding to mail, etc. But Ill mess around with it and get it sooner or later. I think finding this site is going to help me alot.. with being able to write out my thoughts knowing they will be read by someone who understands.

I am still struggling but have been encouraged by being able to put it out there on this site.

I am still not sure why the guy involved appears to have NO consequences..?? isnt it biblical that God will deal with him too? It seems so unjust that I am going through this emotional turmoil and he is acting like the happiest guy on Earth. Of course, I have NO IDEA what is going on his heart (because he wont talk to me) and he went through a really bad divorce about 5 years ago.. so his heart is hard and damaged anyway (this i already knew a long time ago). So to say he has no consequences may not be true.. either that or they are yet to come. What does it say in the Bible about that?

My prayer now is that this does not isolate me from my group because there is without a doubt a seed of hatred and bitterness that I KNOW for a fact shows right now, even when I try to put on a "face". I am hoping that it is not Gods will that I isolate and separate from this group.. I cant imagine that it would be. I mean, it IS biblical that we are to be connected to a body of believers, and I dont think God would take me out of that. What do you think? I fear being outcasted.. and as I sat there praying on this, I felt this sense of "what if that happened? what if i was separated from the group? would i still love God? would i be OK with God alone?" and I really had to think about that.. and pray on that. Because we are to learn to come to a point of 'God Alone'... think about David hiding alone in the cave... (when he wrote psalm 142).

I am also certain this is a time of refinement because I am learning some pretty serious stuff right now.. as I pray through this and go up and down emotionally, I am learning a major lesson on trusting God. I am continually reminded that God has gone before me, He knows what the outcome is. I am learning to be still and let God work things out.. (exodus 14:14... i love this one.. ) Every time I am tempted to pick up the phone and call that guy, I stop myself and remember that God is going to take care of this. I need to do nothing but pray and turn this over to Him every day. I am learning that sexual sin has consequences and God is pretty serious about not letting things like that in His church. I mean, i KNEW what I was doing the whole time and it was almost like I was hoping God would "overlook" it.. I cant believe how I was justifying my actions!!

And a major question I am working through right now.. WHY am I sorry? Am I TRULY repentant for the grievance against God? Or am I sorry that I "got caught"? I mean.. I SAY i am truly repentant but when I dig down deep in my heart, I am not totally certain I would not go there again! A small part of my heart thinks that if this man said and did the right things.. I would slip right back into the same sin!! How crazy is that?! Because to be totally honest, I was not this sorry until my heart got broken So how do we know we are truly repentant?

So yeah I am a mess.. but I am trying hard to listen with a sharp ear and an open heart.. because I truly do want to hear what God has to say to me.

Please pray that God will soften his heart so that he will talk this out with me, and if he doesnt.. please pray that I may still have peace with that.. through God alone. And please pray for my relationship with my small group- because they mean so much to me.

thanks so much for reading this!

Be praying for you DeepBlueSea, I know on another forum of a woman in a very similiar situation, she feels like you that he is getting away from trouble that he cause, and she is being blame for it and like you it is very true.

But just want to remind you if he isn't a true believer God won't worry about correctioning him.

 

[handy]

Sin does have it's consequences, does it not...

It's good that you are looking to the Lord for forgiveness and how to rebuild what you've destroyed.

I read through your posts and forgive me if I missed this, but have you gone to your church/spiritual leadership? I believe you truly need to as this sinful situation has caused turmoil in the group. Hopefully, your church/spiritual leadership will be mature and deal with both of you, but...

One thing I want to caution you about is feeling that things are "not fair" or that it is "unjust" if he doesn't "suffer" the way you are.

Take ownership of your sin...YOU sinned. It truly doesn't matter if he did or not, deal with your own sin. Let God convict him and work in his heart as He sees fit...but work in your own heart regarding YOUR sin. I know that this sounds "unfair"...but truly think about this...Satan will have no opportunity to grow bitterness and hatred in your heart if you refuse to worry about him and just seek after God with your broken and contrite spirit.


...so, if your church/spiritual leadership just works with you and he seems to continue on his merry way...you might want to do several things: Follow whatever the church leadership says for you to do and forget about the fact that he seems to be getting off scott free or break off from that body and look for another. But, anytime Satan tries to tempt you into being bitter or hateful towards him, just say...wow, I joined in sin with him and even tempted him to sin against God and helped lead him astray, Lord, forgive me. Take every temptation of Satan's to the Lord this way and bitterness and hatred will not take hold of your heart.

Do go to the leadership of the church/group though. This obviously is affecting the whole group and the leadership needs to know about it.

 

[DeepBlueSea]

Thanks again for the helpful posts. I have sort of an update. We all went on a trip this weekend as a group. And the guy involved was there.. but he had to leave a night early. Anyway, that second night I got to spend some time with the group without him. Several of the girls talked to me about it, and I came out and was totally honest about what happened. Surprisingly, most of them said they "knew it" anyway- its so funny how the very things you try to hide are the things that show the most sometimes. Anyway, I apologized to them for the tension that resulted, making everyone uncomfortable which led to me being left out of a party. I told them how much it hurt me that I was left out.. which they were not aware of how badly that hurt me. Once they knew the entire situation, it put in a new light for them and they were REALLY understanding. Although they did not at all condone what I did, they did understand and a few of them even told me that they had "been there" before. They told me how they got past it and how it made them the women they are today as far as staying pure in a dating relationship. They apologized to me as well for leaving me out of the party, saying that they had no idea how much pain it caused. So I am over that part of it mostly, feeling relieved that my friends turned out to be true friends when it really mattered. I feel like I did the right thing by confiding in the girls, and it was agreed that NONE of the guys need to know about it..I do not at all want to dishonor the guy or tear him down by giving him a bad reputation. Although I am angry with him.. I know damaging his name is not the right thing to do. I really hope I did the right thing with this..

Now I just am left to deal with the unresolved anger and mixed emotions I have towards him.. I feel so hurt and abandoned by him. Now I know without a doubt why God says to save sex for marriage.. it is so not worth it!!

I know it was not worth but I am still so mixed up about how i actually feel about this guy, I go back and forth between hating him and missing him.. its so stupid. A part of me hopes things work out and we can be together.. then I come to my senses and think why would I want that from a guy who has not stepped up and taken ownership of things? But then I am reminded of the REAL issue at stake.. which is my relationship with God. Thats what really matters here.. what a struggle of the heart this has been.

The good thing about this is that now that I have been so transparent with the girls, I have an unspoken accountability. And since they straight out told me it was suspected all along.. I have to be really careful about what I do. If I start to (stupidly) slip back into that, it will be in my mind that they know.

So what do I do now? Do I continue with the totally broken communication with this guy and carry on like it never happened when I am around him with the group? Or do I try to talk things out and settle it? I have no idea if he will even be receptive of that. I feel like I need to talk it out with him and I guess thats the "girl" in me. The last communication we had outside of the group wasnt good, and that really bothers me.

I guess when it comes down it it, I need to keep praying and let God iron it all out?

 

[Alabaster]

I am so glad that you had that time of openness with the women you know and love at your church. You are right about the accountability that is built in to that, and what you have shared of your heart about wanting to honour God, I am sure that will not be a hard thing for you to manage.

Regarding Mr. Wrong, there is nothing to be talked out, and I think you are right that your desire to communicate with him is your femaleness in spades! do you not have an inkling in the back of your mind or deep down in your spirit that this man has serious issues, seeing as he has baggage, i.e. divorce? I really do. In fact, I think the Lord has intervened here and outed you both in order to free you, and set you on the right path. It is so good for you to make a clean break from him without any revisiting any issue whatsoever.

The nostalgia you feel is totally normal, and it certainly must come in waves, doesn't it? Sin is pleasurable and nostalgia is a little visit to that. It can give birth to sin, also. so, continue to give these thoughts over to Jesus, and commit to turning your thoughts on to something else every time these waves come rolling in, and before too long, you will see that they become less and less until they finally stop. Remembering the pain of being discovered is a good reminder to put those thoughts away---it is like a little girl remembering that when they stuck that bobby pin in the electrical outlet, she got a jolt! She won't do that again! (LOL! My little sister did that!)

God bless you as you seek to honour God and allow Him to work in and through you to bring wholeness into your life!

 

[JohnEboy1983]

I agree with Alabaster. There were so many red flags from the beginning, but I believe God intervened to save you from something far more damaging.

..I do not at all want to dishonor the guy or tear him down by giving him a bad reputation.

Thats pretty noble of you. When Mary was pregnant with Jesus, Joseph thought she had been unfaithful to him, but he was going to put her away quietly. Joseph could of publicly announced that she was unfaithful and I believe in those times it was worthy of stoning. So even though the guy was a total jerk and you hold a lot of anger, you may be doing the best thing, although I pray this guy doesnt keep doing this to more women.

 

[DeepBlueSea]

Yeah.. you are both VERY right. There were SO MANY red flags... I was just stupid and I honestly dont really know what I was thinking.

I am not sure he is a jerk so much as he is really, really damaged. He is actually twice divorced due to both wives having affairs. Not that I am condoning his actions, just saying I dont think he really gets how jerky his behavior really is. Either way, he is unhealthy and so was the 'relationship' I was in with him.

I am certain God took it away from me- quickly and painfully... and considering that God took it, I need to keep in mind that it was for the best.. therefore, things will work out for the best in the end. Right? I do not think it is in Gods will for me to separate from the whole group.

And yes- the hurt comes in waves.... so does the anger.. As far as him doing this to other women, it wont happen in our group.. after talking to girls, most of them just said "what were you thinking going there with him???" I mean.. they all like him as a friend and member of the group but.. it is clear he has issues. Which.. I guess we all do. I clearly do, too, considering I made such an unhealthy choice in the first place.

Okay so I guess there is no need to talk things out with him.. just keep praying, knowing God will work this out. But my faith also waivers from time to time, I keep laying this before God waiting for him to show up. I am not sure what, exactly, I need to fix this.. but I am sure God does.

It still bothers me tremendously that he seems totally unaffected by it all. I mean from a biblical standpoint, that makes no sense to me. I feel like im drowning in emotional turmoil and he seems just fine!! Then again, I have no idea whats going on his heart.. and I know I shouldnt worry about that.. but I am.

Thanks for the awesome, helpful feedback!

 

[Alabaster]

You're welcome, Sea! You are an overcomer!

 

[DeepBlueSea]

Thank you Alabaster! Jesus is my overcomer and I am filled with praise for Him tonight.

I teach a new Bible study class at my church and realized tonight as I was talking... that God will continue to break us in our sin until we come to have a fully repentant heart. This is what is happening to me.. I KNOW it. I literally feel my heart changing on the issue of sex, dating, marriage.. I am coming to a place of true repentance over this specific sin. I wont be going back to it.

I am reminded of how God disciplines His own and grateful that I am one of His.

 

[Alabaster]

Thank you Alabaster! Jesus is my overcomer and I am filled with praise for Him tonight.

I teach a new Bible study class at my church and realized tonight as I was talking... that God will continue to break us in our sin until we come to have a fully repentant heart. This is what is happening to me.. I KNOW it. I literally feel my heart changing on the issue of sex, dating, marriage.. I am coming to a place of true repentance over this specific sin. I wont be going back to it.

I am reminded of how God disciplines His own and grateful that I am one of His.

Amen, and I am positive God is planning to use you in the rebuilding of lives of young women who have been tripped up by this same pitfall. God bless you as you seek to be whole and serve God with your life.

 

[theLords]

Yeah.. you are both VERY right. There were SO MANY red flags... I was just stupid and I honestly dont really know what I was thinking.

I am not sure he is a jerk so much as he is really, really damaged. He is actually twice divorced due to both wives having affairs. Not that I am condoning his actions, just saying I dont think he really gets how jerky his behavior really is. Either way, he is unhealthy and so was the 'relationship' I was in with him.

I am certain God took it away from me- quickly and painfully... and considering that God took it, I need to keep in mind that it was for the best.. therefore, things will work out for the best in the end. Right? I do not think it is in Gods will for me to separate from the whole group.

And yes- the hurt comes in waves.... so does the anger.. As far as him doing this to other women, it wont happen in our group.. after talking to girls, most of them just said "what were you thinking going there with him???" I mean.. they all like him as a friend and member of the group but.. it is clear he has issues. Which.. I guess we all do. I clearly do, too, considering I made such an unhealthy choice in the first place.

Okay so I guess there is no need to talk things out with him.. just keep praying, knowing God will work this out. But my faith also waivers from time to time, I keep laying this before God waiting for him to show up. I am not sure what, exactly, I need to fix this.. but I am sure God does.

It still bothers me tremendously that he seems totally unaffected by it all. I mean from a biblical standpoint, that makes no sense to me. I feel like im drowning in emotional turmoil and he seems just fine!! Then again, I have no idea whats going on his heart.. and I know I shouldnt worry about that.. but I am.

Thanks for the awesome, helpful feedback!

Hi DBS,

I wanted to mention something that no one else has yet: soul ties. I don't know if you are familiar with what this is, but: According to the Bible, man and wife become one, this is due to the deep, sacred intimacy of sex. It is for the strengthening of a marriage relationship. You have a soul tie with this man that is unholy and unhealthy, and is contributing to your inability to overcome some of your 'flesh' feelings for him. Breaking this soul tie, will help you break free of him. If you desire to do so, a simple prayer will suffice: "Lord, please break the soul tie between me and ___________. Thank You. Amen."

I know that not every Christian agrees with the soul tie theology, and if you don't, I understand. No matter what, God is with you and He will help you through this painful time of mourning your sin and being resurrected in His Holiness.

God bless!

 

[theLords]

The nostalgia you feel is totally normal, and it certainly must come in waves, doesn't it? Sin is pleasurable and nostalgia is a little visit to that. It can give birth to sin, also. so, continue to give these thoughts over to Jesus, and commit to turning your thoughts on to something else every time these waves come rolling in, and before too long, you will see that they become less and less until they finally stop. Remembering the pain of being discovered is a good reminder to put those thoughts away---it is like a little girl remembering that when they stuck that bobby pin in the electrical outlet, she got a jolt! She won't do that again! (LOL! My little sister did that!)

God bless you as you seek to honour God and allow Him to work in and through you to bring wholeness into your life!

Thank you Alabaster! Jesus is my overcomer and I am filled with praise for Him tonight.

I teach a new Bible study class at my church and realized tonight as I was talking... that God will continue to break us in our sin until we come to have a fully repentant heart. This is what is happening to me.. I KNOW it. I literally feel my heart changing on the issue of sex, dating, marriage.. I am coming to a place of true repentance over this specific sin. I wont be going back to it.

I am reminded of how God disciplines His own and grateful that I am one of His.

This was so incredibly helpful for me in trying to overcome a different sin area in my life! Thanks for sharing your Godly wisdom ladies, I have some repenting to do, and I feel strengthened in knowing that a heart change is coming my way.

 

[DeepBlueSea]

Hmmm.. thanks for bringing up soul ties. I have not thought about this at all.. or ever before, really. Based on the way I feel, I would have to say that it is true. I mean, I am sad and aching over this man who is CLEARLY no good for me. It is totally irrational for me to want someone back who is obviously undateable and has hurt me. The only explanation for this would be a "soul tie" because no one in their right, logically thinking mind would say "i want to go back to someone
who is probably going to hurt me again". It might explain why people repeatedly go back to toxic relationships.

anyway I have been reading and researching on this topic now since you said that and it seems like it makes sense. But it also doesnt explain why this doesnt always go both ways. If our souls are tied now, he should also be in emotional torment (not that he isnt, I have no idea what he is feeling. But im saying after a year and half of sleeping together... he APPEARS to be doing much better than me). Unless he has already prayed and repented and I dont know about it (quite possible). The point is: there are many one sided relationships out there where one person is more in love with the other.. this is not consistant with the soul tie explanation. What about that? Now I am curious..

I am not sure how i feel about this person but it is irrelevant.. because the only thing that matters is that the relationship is damaging and i cant return to it. Feelings are not indicators of truth.. and I know that what I "feel" right now is besides the point and i should not allow emotions to lead me back into a dangerous situation. (doing that is not biblical, anyway, as emotions are deceptive). I know that "IF" i am to be with this man, God has work to do and THEN he may or may not open the door for that in a healthy way. Who knows?
For now, it doesnt matter...

the only directions I have received from God are to 1) work on my friendships with the women in my group 2) pray consistantly that I may come to forgive this man for hurting me 3) totally refrain from dating or spending time one on one with any man until further notice...

I am clear on these three things.. as for the rest, I dont know..

I am 33 years old and tired of struggling with dating.. sometimes I feel so abandoned by God in this area. Which (if i were to be totally honest) is part of the reason i did this in the first place.

But I want to hear more thoughts and opinions on this soul ties idea??? What does everyone think?

 

[Alabaster]

I agree that a soul tie is established when we embark on a sexual relationship. But the power of God when we repent and also renounce the relationship is enough to break such a tie! So, renouncing is the key.

If you have renounced the relationship, then the tie is indeed broken.

God has never abandoned you in this area, even though it may feel like it. You are correct that feelings are not reliable indicators of what is true. God is always working--ALWAYS---and guess what? We are assured that everything He does he has you personally in mind and everything He is doing is for your good, because all He can EVER do is ONLY good!

God knows the man for you. He knows His very name. He is headed your way and in God's time your paths will cross. In the meantime, live for God and please Him, and He will give you what you need. I guarantee you, the man for you is doing that also!

Matthew 6:33 NLT
Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

Proverbs 3:6 NLT
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.

 

[DeepBlueSea]

Thanks Alabaster But... how do I know God does not intend for me to stay single forever?

 

[Alabaster]

Thanks Alabaster But... how do I know God does not intend for me to stay single forever?

When I came to the point where I dropped to my knees and gave up my 'right' to a husband, and offered up my life to God, willing to be single all my life, and meaning it, that is when I had peace about it.

Within 2 months I met my husband and knew instantly he was 'the one'. We had known each other since we were 7 years old, but had never been friends. We married 4 months later. God knew what He was doing!

So, the short of it is that when we come to the point where we are willing to give up and not have the thing we desire most, that is when God blesses us with it. Relinquishing that desired thing effectively removes the grasping within us, and allows God to do what He desires in and for us!