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I was talking to myself downstairs...not yelling, just a little chit chatter w/ mahself that got out of hand...my dad came downstairs and...reassured me. Things were rough, now, by God's grace...they're not, not really.

I mean, I may be stuck in the "mental patient" role, indefinitely. Sometimes, that's terrible. Stuff can happen in mental hospitals that they don;'t even allow in prisons, especially long term, state hospitals. But...

for me, I live comfortably, simply, quietly. Maybe one day I"ll be able to get a job (?), maybe not. I don't know, honestly. My parents are now "well-to-do," for this area. Not rich, they're frugal, so its not like I'm living posh and ridiculous, but...their status helps give me some much needed -space- in which to change, grow, "Recover," etc.

Now...I'm thankful for my dad's kindness. I"m thankful for mama's goodness, too. And its one of those things...

as much as I despise some parts of Mental Health, Inc. and as much as I doubt most of it, I'm beginning to think/suspect...

maybe being labeled as "severely mentally ill" is one of the few ways, in 21st century culture, to get a little space, a little compassion, a bit of mercy? My official label is "Bipolar I," which...OK. "Bipolar I w/psychosis" vs "Schizophrenia w/ mood disorder;" what's the difference? I don't think there is one, not really.

But, seriously; -with- my...affliction...I get disability (really, my dad gets disability and doles it out to me), health coverage, SPACE...oh man, I can't tell you about the pressure and oppression that defined so much of my life....and thing is..."welcome to the real world!" Seriously. Not that its OK, cuz its not, just...well...the world is cold, uncaring, unforgiving, high pressure, etc. Seems to (somehow..) be getting worse, not better.

But, yeah; its OK now. My parents, disability, some classes, good health, sufficient intelligence....forgiveness, Jesus, "washed and made clean." (no particular order)

I am increasingly thankful. Really. No one's life is perfect, here on earth, least of all (it seems...) the Christians. What was it CS Lewis said..."pain is God's mega-phone" ? Something like that. I've been spared: real poverty, prison, state hospital, a death of cancer and/or AIDS, a life with obvious brain damage, even a frustrating dead-end job. And now...

Schizophrenia? Bipolar I? I don't know. It'll be OK...really, it already is OK, thanks to Christ.

:)
 
OK. I think its gonna be OK. Not because of me or anything, but because of Jesus. Get this...

I do this vitamin thing, Orthomolecular. Its mostly massive doses of standard vitamins (b-complex, c, e, etc.), so its not too expensive, but...whoa. All of a sudden, I needed to restock just about -everything-. My dad let me put together an order at the online vitamin place where I shop, and he paid and...yeah. I know a lot of people cannot do stuff like that, but...the big deal for me is that my dad can and he does, and he doesn't have a problem with it, doesn't begrudge me anything.

I don't know why, but he brought home BBQ today. Its the south; BBQ places are almost as common as Baptist churches. Maybe he had to meet some people there? Anyway, again; I guess not a big, big deal, but...I ate some high quality BBQ, chilled out, and started to really grasp...

the nightmare is over. I still get heckled, people have a problem with me, blah blah blah....but God's work in my life is nothing short of a miracle, to me.

I had to get Camels today. I know, bad call, health-wise. All I can say is that God has been -very- patient with me, and the Orthomolecular seems to soften the blow from both the cigarettes and the (prescribed, not fun) psych drugs. So, I'm getting mah smokes, and people are talking about me, loud enough for me to hear, because...I'm an outcast, etc., and I rub people the wrong way. Ugh. Could be worse, of course. I'm actually surprised by how well I"m handling it, by God's grace. It was one of those newer, bigger, nicer, and--above all else--SAFER convenience store chains, so I was kinda surprised I could hear those dudes all the way on the other end of the store, and...yeah. Awesome, LOL.

Do you think God will give people new brain cells? When I was lobotomized, age 23, I was probably headed for an early grave, and...yeah. I don't know what shrinks expected, but it didn't turn out well. They say I've "Recovered," I'm thinking...IQ is up, I have initiative, drive, personality, I can concentrate better (these are all things that often go away, permanently, after a lobotomy), and...I even write better, have social skills, etc. I guess it doesn't really matter, that much.

Rambling. Life goes on. People go thru things. I didn't get it until...well...now, basically....but I"m getting there, I really am.

Thanks again. :)
 
hi, Tessa.

I need to quit thinking about the brain cells (or....ummm...lack thereof...). Apparently, one of my (many, many) diagnoses, the one that I kinda think about now and then, was/is "mild Schizophrenia" with a Bipolar-ish thing going on. Sounds like a whole lotta crazy, but think about it....if one has "mild Schizophrenia," then that would explain a lot about...well, my life...and then the mood swings were what brought me into "treatment."

Thing is...Schizophrenia, in general, just kind of...is, you know? I mean, yeah, they have newer, hopefully less toxic, easier to tolerate tranquilizers now (true story: I'm thankful for medical coverage to get my Abiify, cuz everything else gives me twitches, nervousness, etc. ugh...), but that's about it, isn't it? Tranquilizers, disability or some kind of sheltered employment (where they do that...), usually people w/ Schizophrenia don't do well in urban environments, no matter what tranquilizer they/we are on....

rambling. I guess my point is, I sometimes wonder if maybe God has been extra-super-merciful towards me because it looks like I've had "the affliction" at some level since childhood. "Mild Schizophrenia" beats severe schizophrenia, of course, but it still kind of...impairs one's understanding of the world, even w/ a tranquilizer (again: I"m thankful for disability, I'm thankful for Abilify).

Then again, my diagnoses were (and, to a lesser extent, are) all over the map. "severe naricissism" "odd" "add/adhd" "malingering" ugh. Maybe God's been extra super gracious, sparing me, then saving me, now blessing me....because I was just looked on as a "working class loser," and therefore I was punished -all- the time? I Mean, not to whine too, too much, but...when you're not considered "good enough" for Honors classes, then people get upset cuz my SAT scores were higher than theirs, etc...its like, I wasn't -allowed- to be intelligent, I wasn't -allowed- to be...much of anything, really. Stoopid, so stoopid.

blah. Thinking/writing out loud, again. At any rate...maybe its just that God -is- love and Jesus has a definite love for "the least of these." Boom. Specifics, details aside...God's work in my life--like His work in any Christian's life--follows certain themes (forgivness, reconciliation, restoration).

OK. And...I do think its OK now (to meander back to the original post). My parents are kind to me. I"m kind to them, too. I don't spend tons of their money, but because they "have money," as the locals say, I get some much needed --space-- in which to recover, chill out, be transformed, and...just -be-.

Alrighty...I'm actually -finished- now (meat gets done; people get finished). Thanks again. :)
 
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