Jokes

[living4onlyJC]

1) Peter was watching the gates of Heaven, but he really needed a bathroom break. He asked Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus replied "Fine." Peter took the book which lists everyone who's supposed to get into Heaven with him to the bathroom to have something to read.

As Jesus is stood there, he saw an old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter's tools with him. When the old man reached the gates, Jesus told him he didn't have the book, but asks the old man to explain his life and why he felt he should be admitted into heaven. Jesus would then make the decision whether or not to let him in based on the story.

The man explained "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I'm not remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him, he didn't really come into this world in the usual way.

I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be reunited with my son."

Jesus is awestruck by the man's story. He looks into the old man's eyes and asks, "Dad?"

The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks, " Pinocchio?"

 

[living4onlyJC]

One day jesus and satan had been arguing for hours over who was better at the computer, they just kept arguing, finnally God got fed up with the constant bickering and had an idea. the Idea was to create a contest that would give both Jesus and Satan a time period to do what they could with the computer, who ever had completed more on the computer was better. He told Jesus and satan " you have two hours, Go!"
So they both went and preformed every computer task known to man. Prossesing, programming, installing,downloading, etc...
just before the two hours was up a huge storm occured and caused a power outage. Well when this happened satan started freaking out and sayin every swear form both earth and below, and thrwing things and getting mad, mean while Jesus just sa back and sighed.
After about half an hour the power came back on and Satan starting going through his computer screaming " ITS GONE, ITS GONE! EVERY THING! ITS ALL GONE!!" and Jesus just starts printing things off. Satan sees this happening and gets mad, goes to God and yells " HE CHEATED! HE CHEATED! HOW'D HE DO THAT?! HE CHEATED!!!!!!" God turns to Satan and says " well.. Jesus saves!"


3)A boss dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes," came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone else there in your house?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the Boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," whispered the child. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed hushed voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled giggle: "Me."

 

[living4onlyJC]

4) Pecans In The Cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan

tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled

up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight,

and began dividing the nuts.



"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one

boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.


Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he

passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."


He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode

off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling

along.


"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I

heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up

the souls."


The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to

walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the

cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one

for me. One for you, one for me..."



The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth.

Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they

peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.


The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the

fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the

Lord.


At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all.

Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."


They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead

of the boy on the bike



5)One day a blonde goes up to a soda machine. She puts in some money and a soda comes out. She gets really excited and started to put more money into the machine. The more and more she did it, the more the sodas came out. Someone walked up to her and asked her if they could get a soda. The blonde said, "Get out of my face, I'm winning!

 

[living4onlyJC]

Courtroom Humor

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for goodness sake, tell them your first name!

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.

Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.

Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?

MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

 

[living4onlyJC]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

Oh, I really liked it, she replied, especially the tight pants and all the
big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other
over 25 cents.

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' And I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"


2) A man was talking to God and he askes God, "God, since you made everything, what is money to you?" God answered, "Well, one million dollars to you would be one penny to me." The man thinks and askes, "God, since you have been around forever, what is time to you?" God replies, "Well my son, one second to me would be one million years to you." The man thinks some more and askes, "God, can I have a penny?" God replies, "In a second."

3)
One day a man decided he was going to skip church to take a walk in the woods, and he did. When he was walking he saw a bear and the bear saw him. Then the bear started to chase him. He fell down a hill and the bear came up to him and was about to eat him but before it did he started to pray and he said "dear Lord, please make this bear a christian." and right then he saw the bear fold his paws together and said " dear Lord, please bless this food I am about to eat."

 

[living4onlyJC]

1) this ones heart touching and true, kind of. not really a joke but when i first heard it i smiled.

a father wanted to read the paper, but was being bothered by his little daughter, Susie. Finally, he took a sheet out of his magazine, on which was printed the map of the world. Tearing it into small pieces, he gave it to Susie, and said, "Go into the other room and see if you can put this together."

After a few minutes, Susie returned and handed him the map correctly fitted together. The father was very surprised and asked how she had finished so quickly.

"Oh", she said, "on the other side of the paper is a picture of Jesus. When I got Jesus in His place, then the world came out all right."


2) a preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry. Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers.

One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehebottom the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"

3) There was this flood at first they sent this guy a truck they said to get in or you will drownd he said no God will save me.Next they sent a boat but the guy said that God would save him.Last when he was standing on the roof of his house a hellicpter came but the guy said God will save me.After that he died and when he got to heaven he said God why didn,t you save me.Then God answered I sent you a truck,boat,and a hellicopter what else did you need?

4) one day a bus full of very ugly people went over a cliff and all of them died. when they got to heaven, they appraoched peter and he told them that before they entered they could have any wish they wanted. the first person said "i want to be beautiful." and just like that, he was. and the second person likewise said "i want to be beautiflu." and likewise she was. this continued on through every person that had died on the bus. meangwhile however the guy at the end of the line would laugh after every request was granted. after a while it was finnally his turn to make a wish. peter said to him "before you make you wish i just want to know why youlaughed after every person made their request." the man replied "because i wish for them all to be ugly again."

 

[cly]

These are funny! Thank you for sharing!

 

[itoldyounoalready]

hehehehe, yeah so far I've only gotten through the first one.

 

[living4onlyJC]

lol.. yea I know, it's alot of jokes. took a while to post them all, lol

 

[cly]

Well, I reckon it took a while to post them!

By the way, my parents thought they was funny also!

 

[living4onlyJC]

I read them to my mom. She thought some of them were funny.