Christ_empowered
Member
Yup yup. Me, yet again.
If you've read my other posts, you know all about my horrible, sinful, painful existence, before Christ. Involuntary shock "treatments," all kinds of brain damage, stints in jail, ridicule, condemnation, labels, family problems, health problems. And now...
Its interesting. On the one hand, God's work in my life up to this point is such that I don't feel bogged down in the pain of all that, not nearly as much. Thank God for that! On the other hand, I'm now suprisingly intelligent, healthy, bright eyed, normal...whole, even. Along the way, it seems that The Lord has willed to return some key memories to me.
The Bible --does-- say to put aside what is behind, and press forward. I understand that, and I'm growing to appreciate it more and more as The Lord moves in my life. Still, in my case, I was so despised, so rejected, so tormented, so labeled, punished and blamed for everything, that I think perhaps returning some important memories from my past, pre-Jesus, to me, along with some clarity and understanding, is very important. NO, I am --not-- who I was before I got saved, thank God. Still, I think its important to be able to put together a narrative, a story of what I was, what Jesus saved me from, who I am now in Christ, and who I am becoming, in Christ Jesus.
So...yeah. I'll soon turn 33. Not a big deal for most people, but I was fully expected to be dead by 23. No lie. Today, The Lord revealed something to me that would probably be obvious to most people, but...wow...I needed a miracle to put all this together. What's the main reason my life was so horrible, painful, miserable, and all that? Why, that's simple: as a teenager, I was infected with HIV, and everything went downhill, very fast, from that point on.
I started out sickly, socially isolated, all that. Easy target for all kinds of shady people, obviously. Factor in pride, self-love, bright but not super-smart, etc., and...yeah. Bad stuff happened, very quickly.
I see now that, by the time I came back to my parents' house, age 19, I was not burned out and all that just from drugs; I already had HIV, and it was progressing, and my parents had suspicions. Looking back, I kind of sensed that I probably had it, but I didn't acknowledge it or anything. What to do?
All sorts of horrible things happened. I see now that one reason doctors gave me such ridiculously high doses of controlled substances was because...I was not going to be alive much longer and my family was respectable, so...ok. fine. That was great, until I landed in a private, for profit hospital. They broke my spirit, tormented me, let me almost die of a sleeping pill OD. Oh, they also defrauded the insurance company, but...ok. That's actually somewhat common, from what I understand.
On and on it goes. The horrible labels psychiatrists put on low status, stigmatized people. Looking back, I see that my so-called "friends" knew I was brain damaged, dying, had HIV, etc....and they could not possible have cared one bit less. Oh well.
Predictably, I got very sick, very fast. By 23, I was, in fact, very close to death. I went back to the college where it had all started, thinking maybe I could do something. I seee now that my parents agreed to go for it because...they didn't know what else to do. I got very skinny, very quickly. People tormented me. I was agitated, psychotic, no one would help. At one point, I think I may have been raped. No one cared. I was bashed ont head with a pipe in a not so great part of town...no one did anything. I almost jumped off a bridge, and I was sedated and put in a hospital, where I was tormented and given more shock "treatments" and ridiculed, etc. At that point, I probably had about 6 months left to live, barring some kind of miracle.
OK. After the breakdown, I moved back home with my parents. My dad was furious and cruel to me. My mother didn't know what to do. I see now...I had been deliberately emasculated by the doctors, broken, and left with severe brain damage. This is what the "experts" do to "passed around f@ggots with AIDS," apparently.
I ended up attacking my dad. Horrible, I know. There had been all kinds of tension in the house, I was very sick, pressure from all angles, brain damaged, nothing but condemnation and pain from all angles. It got so bad, I thought he was going to beat me and/or put me back in the hospital where I'd been put the 1st time, so...I attacked him. Of course, I regret it now, I do, but...wow. I was 24 then, and I was already a bit past my expiration date.
Jail. 23 hour lockdown, 6 or 7 months. Still no treatment for HIV, just the psych drugs and then cortisone once my facial dandruff (a clear sign of a compromised immune system) got way, way, way out of control. A sympathetic judge had set bond at $10,000. My parents refused to bond me out. I didn't know what to do. My dad wanted me to go to maximum security, do my time, and then he said he'd send me some $$$ each month so I wouldn't go homeless.
I wrote a letter...basically, I said that people get raped and murdered in prison, so if I'd rather they just bond me out and let me kill myself. I ended up going to a Teen Challenge program, clearly....clearly an act of mercy from the prosecutor and the people at Teen Challenge.
I don't remember much of my year at Teen Challenge. I was very sick, obviously brain damaged, destroyed. They took pity on me, showed me compassion. They even waived the HIV test that they usually do for all incoming people. I didn't really "get it" until now, honestly.
I started to improve. A light came back into my eyes that had been dead more or less consistently since age 20, when a psychiatrist at the 1st hospital deliberately broke my spirit and everyone laughed about it. Yes, they do that. No, its not just a couple "bad apples."
OK. I completed Teen challenge and did some community service and other stuff. I realize now that the prosecutor really did not want to deal with this case in a court room setting, so I got a deal. Once I wrapped up the community service and all that, the charges were dismissed and I the record was expunged.
I ended up having to move back home. No choice. Still, not treatment for HIV. Lots of tension with my parents, they bought me a little apartment. Some "friends" took pity on me and would spend time with me now and then. Horrible things happened, on and on it goes...a former psychiatrist had me arrested and charged with a felony. The Lord moved on my parents' hearts and got me a good lawyer. I got saved on bond, I ended up with a very serious misdmeanor.
And now...
I'll soon be 33 years old. I have never been treated for HIV. I don't know...what this means, honestly. I am healthy. The Lord has willed that I am now taller, I have healthy skin, bright eyes, I'm surprisingly intelligent, more masculine and...
I am utterly despised in this area, and I "get it," now, at long last. I was condemned and despised by the world from a young age, then I got HIV, and then...wow. I just...I just don't know, honestly.
The Lord has clearly spared me and then moved on my heart so I could be forgiven, saved, washed and made clean. I am thankful. That was 4 1/2 years ago, that I got saved, for realsies.
Oh man. This is so...much. I'm living with my parents now. Even my dad has warmed up to me, and that's huge. mama's much more understanding, kind and...there's actually some warmth here, that was long missing.
Forgiven? By God, yes, because of Christ. That's --the-- miracle. By my parents? I don't know. I honestly don't.
As for...well, life...I don't know much about that, either. Right now, I'm healthy and doing remarkably well, all things considered. Washed and made clean...I guess that plays out differently in different peoples' lives.
Yup yup. I'll soon be 33. HIV+ since my late teens in all likelihood. Despised by the community, hated by people all over, electroshocked, raped, bashed on the head, jailed, left to die, driven to madness and suicide, and..
It wasn't until I ended up at Teen Challenge that I even got the basics of actual Christianity, from real Christians who showed some much needed pity and compassion. It wasn't until The Lord worked a miracle and saved me, 4 1/2 years ago, that I was blessed with much needed forgiveness and salvation.
Ugh. God is good (all the time). People....are often horrible, especially when you're amongst "the least of these." I see that now, I really didn't for a long time. Even a lot of people who call themselves Christians will often join in with the rest of the community in tormenting and oppressing people like me, definitely people like who I was until recently.
I Praise God for His Goodness, love and mercy!
Since I'm healthy and nobody wanted to waste tax payer $$$ on giving me treatment for HIV--I see now that is one big reason I was not sent to the state hospital--I don't know that I'm all that interested in antiretrovirals, honestly. Seems that they're potent, toxic drugs. People die on the cocktails, people die without the cocktails, and...life on the anti-HIV drugs seems like it gets rough. I think I've been thru quite enough of all that.
So...this is my testimony now, as I approach 33 years of age. I am flawed, prone to sins and such, definitely a work-in-progress, but...I am very much a New Creation in Christ Jesus, and I am thankful for His love and His mercy.
Thanks.
If you've read my other posts, you know all about my horrible, sinful, painful existence, before Christ. Involuntary shock "treatments," all kinds of brain damage, stints in jail, ridicule, condemnation, labels, family problems, health problems. And now...
Its interesting. On the one hand, God's work in my life up to this point is such that I don't feel bogged down in the pain of all that, not nearly as much. Thank God for that! On the other hand, I'm now suprisingly intelligent, healthy, bright eyed, normal...whole, even. Along the way, it seems that The Lord has willed to return some key memories to me.
The Bible --does-- say to put aside what is behind, and press forward. I understand that, and I'm growing to appreciate it more and more as The Lord moves in my life. Still, in my case, I was so despised, so rejected, so tormented, so labeled, punished and blamed for everything, that I think perhaps returning some important memories from my past, pre-Jesus, to me, along with some clarity and understanding, is very important. NO, I am --not-- who I was before I got saved, thank God. Still, I think its important to be able to put together a narrative, a story of what I was, what Jesus saved me from, who I am now in Christ, and who I am becoming, in Christ Jesus.
So...yeah. I'll soon turn 33. Not a big deal for most people, but I was fully expected to be dead by 23. No lie. Today, The Lord revealed something to me that would probably be obvious to most people, but...wow...I needed a miracle to put all this together. What's the main reason my life was so horrible, painful, miserable, and all that? Why, that's simple: as a teenager, I was infected with HIV, and everything went downhill, very fast, from that point on.
I started out sickly, socially isolated, all that. Easy target for all kinds of shady people, obviously. Factor in pride, self-love, bright but not super-smart, etc., and...yeah. Bad stuff happened, very quickly.
I see now that, by the time I came back to my parents' house, age 19, I was not burned out and all that just from drugs; I already had HIV, and it was progressing, and my parents had suspicions. Looking back, I kind of sensed that I probably had it, but I didn't acknowledge it or anything. What to do?
All sorts of horrible things happened. I see now that one reason doctors gave me such ridiculously high doses of controlled substances was because...I was not going to be alive much longer and my family was respectable, so...ok. fine. That was great, until I landed in a private, for profit hospital. They broke my spirit, tormented me, let me almost die of a sleeping pill OD. Oh, they also defrauded the insurance company, but...ok. That's actually somewhat common, from what I understand.
On and on it goes. The horrible labels psychiatrists put on low status, stigmatized people. Looking back, I see that my so-called "friends" knew I was brain damaged, dying, had HIV, etc....and they could not possible have cared one bit less. Oh well.
Predictably, I got very sick, very fast. By 23, I was, in fact, very close to death. I went back to the college where it had all started, thinking maybe I could do something. I seee now that my parents agreed to go for it because...they didn't know what else to do. I got very skinny, very quickly. People tormented me. I was agitated, psychotic, no one would help. At one point, I think I may have been raped. No one cared. I was bashed ont head with a pipe in a not so great part of town...no one did anything. I almost jumped off a bridge, and I was sedated and put in a hospital, where I was tormented and given more shock "treatments" and ridiculed, etc. At that point, I probably had about 6 months left to live, barring some kind of miracle.
OK. After the breakdown, I moved back home with my parents. My dad was furious and cruel to me. My mother didn't know what to do. I see now...I had been deliberately emasculated by the doctors, broken, and left with severe brain damage. This is what the "experts" do to "passed around f@ggots with AIDS," apparently.
I ended up attacking my dad. Horrible, I know. There had been all kinds of tension in the house, I was very sick, pressure from all angles, brain damaged, nothing but condemnation and pain from all angles. It got so bad, I thought he was going to beat me and/or put me back in the hospital where I'd been put the 1st time, so...I attacked him. Of course, I regret it now, I do, but...wow. I was 24 then, and I was already a bit past my expiration date.
Jail. 23 hour lockdown, 6 or 7 months. Still no treatment for HIV, just the psych drugs and then cortisone once my facial dandruff (a clear sign of a compromised immune system) got way, way, way out of control. A sympathetic judge had set bond at $10,000. My parents refused to bond me out. I didn't know what to do. My dad wanted me to go to maximum security, do my time, and then he said he'd send me some $$$ each month so I wouldn't go homeless.
I wrote a letter...basically, I said that people get raped and murdered in prison, so if I'd rather they just bond me out and let me kill myself. I ended up going to a Teen Challenge program, clearly....clearly an act of mercy from the prosecutor and the people at Teen Challenge.
I don't remember much of my year at Teen Challenge. I was very sick, obviously brain damaged, destroyed. They took pity on me, showed me compassion. They even waived the HIV test that they usually do for all incoming people. I didn't really "get it" until now, honestly.
I started to improve. A light came back into my eyes that had been dead more or less consistently since age 20, when a psychiatrist at the 1st hospital deliberately broke my spirit and everyone laughed about it. Yes, they do that. No, its not just a couple "bad apples."
OK. I completed Teen challenge and did some community service and other stuff. I realize now that the prosecutor really did not want to deal with this case in a court room setting, so I got a deal. Once I wrapped up the community service and all that, the charges were dismissed and I the record was expunged.
I ended up having to move back home. No choice. Still, not treatment for HIV. Lots of tension with my parents, they bought me a little apartment. Some "friends" took pity on me and would spend time with me now and then. Horrible things happened, on and on it goes...a former psychiatrist had me arrested and charged with a felony. The Lord moved on my parents' hearts and got me a good lawyer. I got saved on bond, I ended up with a very serious misdmeanor.
And now...
I'll soon be 33 years old. I have never been treated for HIV. I don't know...what this means, honestly. I am healthy. The Lord has willed that I am now taller, I have healthy skin, bright eyes, I'm surprisingly intelligent, more masculine and...
I am utterly despised in this area, and I "get it," now, at long last. I was condemned and despised by the world from a young age, then I got HIV, and then...wow. I just...I just don't know, honestly.
The Lord has clearly spared me and then moved on my heart so I could be forgiven, saved, washed and made clean. I am thankful. That was 4 1/2 years ago, that I got saved, for realsies.
Oh man. This is so...much. I'm living with my parents now. Even my dad has warmed up to me, and that's huge. mama's much more understanding, kind and...there's actually some warmth here, that was long missing.
Forgiven? By God, yes, because of Christ. That's --the-- miracle. By my parents? I don't know. I honestly don't.
As for...well, life...I don't know much about that, either. Right now, I'm healthy and doing remarkably well, all things considered. Washed and made clean...I guess that plays out differently in different peoples' lives.
Yup yup. I'll soon be 33. HIV+ since my late teens in all likelihood. Despised by the community, hated by people all over, electroshocked, raped, bashed on the head, jailed, left to die, driven to madness and suicide, and..
It wasn't until I ended up at Teen Challenge that I even got the basics of actual Christianity, from real Christians who showed some much needed pity and compassion. It wasn't until The Lord worked a miracle and saved me, 4 1/2 years ago, that I was blessed with much needed forgiveness and salvation.
Ugh. God is good (all the time). People....are often horrible, especially when you're amongst "the least of these." I see that now, I really didn't for a long time. Even a lot of people who call themselves Christians will often join in with the rest of the community in tormenting and oppressing people like me, definitely people like who I was until recently.
I Praise God for His Goodness, love and mercy!
Since I'm healthy and nobody wanted to waste tax payer $$$ on giving me treatment for HIV--I see now that is one big reason I was not sent to the state hospital--I don't know that I'm all that interested in antiretrovirals, honestly. Seems that they're potent, toxic drugs. People die on the cocktails, people die without the cocktails, and...life on the anti-HIV drugs seems like it gets rough. I think I've been thru quite enough of all that.
So...this is my testimony now, as I approach 33 years of age. I am flawed, prone to sins and such, definitely a work-in-progress, but...I am very much a New Creation in Christ Jesus, and I am thankful for His love and His mercy.
Thanks.
