[__ Prayer __] more paranoia stuff

[Christ_empowered]

blah. I don't know if there is such a thing as "Schizophrenia" or "Bipolar I." The tranquilizer helps me function, for now, but...I kinda doubt I have anything wrong with my brain. Another reason I'd like be able to drop the tranq eventually...I kinda doubt there's anything wrong with my brain...and when I had obvious brain damage, a lot of it was brought to me by Mental Health, Inc. Anyway...

so, I had to pick up 1 of my 2 ongoing prescriptions today. dude at the window said I didn't have insurance coverage in the system. I offered to show him my card, he declined. I called my mom, she said I should handle it. I called the medicaid people...thankfully, I'm still covered, so the problem is on the pharmacy end. So...

all sortsa paranoia ensued. When I went to my apartment, I thought I smelled cologne. Weird...

I called the clinic, they straightened it out, no big thing. the paranoid thoughts...not good. tranquilizers help, but there's a limit, and I"d like to be off mine, one day.

Word 'round here is that I got "too old," etc. I've heard people say, now and then, that "they'll find you wherever you go," which...might seem like a paranoid thought, but I -know- people tracked me down when I lived in another state. Long story, but....the stuff people 'round the complex started saying, things that happened...let me know that the shrinks, in particular, had/have a serious problem with me, and...they destroy patients in general, but especially "trouble makers."

blah. drama aside, I'm now 34, healthy, intelligent, and...capable, but I don't know if God has a normal j-o-b for me or not. I'll pray on it and start actively seeking, outside the clinic, but...I don't know. Just for me to be alive and healthy is clearly God's work, and I'm increasingly thankful.

I just...I'd like to be more free. Then it dawned on me...a lot of the bondage was from my sins. Don't get me wrong; God spared me throughout, then brought me out of bondage after I got genuinely saved, but...I wasn't as blameless as I often think I was, not that my sins excuse other peoples' behavior, obviously. Its just...well, that's how good God is, how good my parents are, how good Verna is...The Lord spared me despite my sins and flaws and brought me out of darkness...my parents were there, albeit often at a distance, the whole time...and Verna's friendship has meant the world to me. And....

-blah- "just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're -not- out to get you." LOL. not really all that fun, but actually...true. I see now that until my parents hit the more "well-to-do" end of the middle class and The Lord willed a reconciliation, psychiatry was...basically a serious form of bondage. Now...I think people will eventually lose interest. I get mocked because I believe God healed me of things...

I see now, there's an element of healing, but its more like..."put off the old, put on the new..." and as God has done that, I"ve been changed, physically.

Moving would be...awesome...but I have nowhere to go. The affluent to straight up rich relatives will -not- be taking me in....the working class and more struggling relatives have their own problems....

so, I'm blessed to have my parents and the freedom I have, now, in Christ. God is good!

OK. I know, I kinda hog this board, its just...ugh. being a pariah is no fun. Its odd...in Scripture, when Jesus heals people, the people around got scared and/or...they had a sense that a mighty power had done something, right then and there. In modern culture, even in "The Bible Belt," its more like..."oh, he thinks Jesus healed him. Put him in a mental hospital." LOL. Just the way the world works, I guess...

 

[Tessa]

If one thing goes wrong in the day it can knock everything else out of play. Does listening to music help any CE? Sometimes soothing music can be beneficial.
Sorry you're having a bad day. How do you relax at home? I like to listen to classical music or hymns. It's hard to feel down if you sing a hymn. I like to write too. I've been writing short stories for children. They are mainly about animals.
Some people like to draw or paint. What do you like doing?

 

[Christ_empowered]

I'm regaining interest in writing about things other than psychiatry and psychiatric people/patients, Praise God!

music is good. i asked my dad for headphone, because...paranoid as this may sound...im afraid of making my music too loud in the apartment, and that...would not be good...

prayer is good. i just prayed.

I think a lot of what I"m going thru is growing up, at long last...after a long time of exile, suffering, sins...now comes repentance, a different (productive) sort of suffing, redepemtion...

thanks, tessa.

 

[Tessa]

I'm praying for you too CE.
Headphones to avoid disturbing neighbours is really thoughtful, not many people think of it.
I agree prayer helps tremendously.

 

[evenifigoalone]

I get mild paranoia, to the point I can't sleep in my room because I'm afraid of ghosts and people peeking in my window. (Mild paranoia is a common human experience, but when it's severe and comes with hallucinatins like in your case I'd say that's a different story.)
Anyways though, what I do when I am in that state of mind, I do find that playing some worship music helps.

I'll pray that God grants you some relief while you wait on your meds

 

[Christ_empowered]

the med thing was taken care of quickly. i didn't want to go in and create a scene, so i called the clinic and they got it straightened out. I"m thankful.

i do pray for the day i wont need a tranquilizer. I mean...as tranquilizers go, Abilify -is- less toxic than many other options out there, and I"m on a reasonable dose, so...its not medical torture or anything, but...yeah. long term, tranquilizers are some of the -less- fun psych drugs out there. actually...long term, a lot of psych drugs can cause problems (weight gain, sleep problems, concentration difficulties, brain damage, liver damage, movement disorders, more severe mental problems...), so I think one can make an argument that they're really band-aids, at best.

of course...if i get hospitalized, it'll mean tons of meds (Not abilify) and a whole lot less freedom during "treatment." blah. the good news is that disabilty doesn't cover the private, for profit facilities, so I'd have to be pretty far gone to land in the local, state funded facility (they mostly deal with judicial commitments--that's when a judge orders inpatient treatment, asap).

OK. so...yeah. God is good! I'm free, safe, and healthy. taking a tranq a day is just part of my life, for right now.