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[__ Prayer __] more small town stuff

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Yes, yes; me, yet again.

Ugh. I guess this is what happens when you "p!ss your shrinks off!," as people around here say now and then. Years ago, I contacted a powerful antipsychiatry group. They filed a Medical Board complaint against a psychiatrist who had treated me in my late teens. I probably shouldn't have filed the complaint, but...I was so incredibly frustrated. That doctor prescribed relatively high dose Klonopin for daily use, along with long term Ambien for sleep, and...later, --I-- was blamed for the whole situation.

OK. Lots of other stuff going on in my situation, too, but...now, I've (miraculously) "recovered from treatment," which in my case involved waaaaay too much (involuntary) shock 'treatment.' My original IQ estimate was 120. For a while there, the estimate was around 95, plus I had obvious brain damage, serious health problems, etc. Now, I'm remarkably healthy, and the estimate I think is now in the 130s. IQ estimates aren't too important, of course, but...it would appear The Lord has gone out of His way to make me whole in many respects, and I am increasingly thankful.

So, now, people in the neighborhood are still yelling things at me, which is fun. I am getting better at handling it, by God's grace. A former psychiatrist had me charged w/ --very-- serious stuff nearly 5 years ago. Oh man...so much drama! My parents ended up getting me a skilled lawyer, and I got a plea bargain. I've now been off of probation for nearly 9 months, and I'm grateful. I was even spared a felony, which...wow. Miracle, right there.

I was getting gas today, and some cranky old man yelled out about "prison" and stuff. Happens a good bit around here. and...

...its frustrating. Of course, people don't talk --to-- or --with-- me about anything, so they'll yell stuff in stores and such, like "he can't afford no lawyer...judge took pity on him" and "yeah, they got him on a probation violation" and "oh...he's got warrants..."

I actually completed probation 2 years early. I stayed out of trouble, paid the $$$ on time, all that jazz, so I'm through there. Here where I live, if you get charges dismissed, you can get what's called an expungement order. Its where a judge orders the destruction of arrest records. The lawyer my parents hired managed to get a charge in the case dismissed, and an expungement order was granted fairly recently. Again; I -am- thankful.

Since I was released from probation early and the expungement order was granted, I doubt I could possibly have anything going on. This is "reality testing" for me (my official diagnosis is either Bipolar I or schizoaffective, manic flavor). Getting an expungement is a process, and it involves a background check thru the state law enforcement people. Then a solicitor has to sign off on it, then a judge has to approve it, then its applied and the charge disappears from most background checks.

OK. I'm rambling and such, as usual. I just honestly, truly, do not have anyone to really talk to about all this. A couple months ago, some redneck-y sounding dudes were in the yard around 4 AM, making noise and laughing about "jail" "warrants" and "told you he'd be in jail when we got through with him!," etc.

I told my parents, and...well, they don't seem so convinced that anything actually happened. Yes, I am prone to paranoia and such, more when I'm very depressed or (rarely) on the up swing of things, but...there's been lots of this going on, its not --just-- my mind.

OK. My counselor at the clinic is competent. He's also a Born Again Christian, with a masters of divinity w/an emphasis in counseling. When I've spoken to him about it, he's focused on the diagnosis and...yeah. Not fun. To his credit, he points out that my parents got me a skilled lawyer, I'm off probation early, I got the expungement order, and I didn't even end up w/ a felony (God showed incredible mercy on me...I ended up w/ a very serious misdemeanor...).

Then, there's my beloved friend, Verna. She's quick to tell me: is Satan!, and increasingly...I "get it," to a point. "Satan has a field day with weakling." I may be a more vulnerable human being than most now, but I'm no longer a bona fide weakling. I --was-- a genuine, bona fide weakling before Jesus saved me and then chose to bless me. At this point, I don't need heavy meds, hospitalization, all that stuff. I live with my (loving, kind, generous) parents, receive disability (huge blessing), and...I'm trying to push forward and move on, as best I can.

Its just...wow. I get frustrated with the situation. I should also add that at age 20, I was completely destroyed at a private, for profit mental hospital. Not fun. That's when my IQ took a nose dive. After that, I was sexually exploited, dudes took pictures, etc...not good. From what I've read, this stuff happened to women in the 50s and 60s...or maybe it never really stopped?

So, I've got a terrible reputation ("passed around faggot," etc.), and I've been blamed for everything. I'm not going to act as if I was/am sinless, but...come on. This is just...well, crazy. Before I got saved, my IQ was up to 115 or so, but I was --never-- going to fully recover. Now, I have the mental problems, but they're well-controlled w/ the tranquilizer, I have a whole different personality/way of being, my IQ estimate is higher (its apparently possible the original estimate was an under-estimate...ugh...), my parents and I have reconciled (Praise God!), and...

...God is good! I am thankful for all the patience y'all have shown me here, on CFnet. Its like this...a lot of "experts" took $$$, ostensibly to "help" me, and now I find...my old psych records contain an alphabet soup of diagnoses (ODD, NPD, malingering, all kindsa stuff), plus some inaccurate information. I told one "professional" what my parents did for a living, and he put me down for "pathological liar, delusions of grandiosity." Not making this stuff up, I promise.

If my parents had not gotten me the lawyer, I'd be locked up and none of this would matter. I'm reminded of this book I skimmed over, about God...I remember only --1-- sentence: "God's work in this world is always met with opposition."

OK. Thanks for the prayers, support, replies, etc. :)
 
I told my parents, and...well, they don't seem so convinced that anything actually happened.
Are you saying your parents still never hear any of this yelling going on? I only ask because self condemnation can produce the characteristics you describe, and I have absolutely no clue as to whether you've talked this over with your doctors, I knew a woman that would be watching TV and begin declaring that the actors were talking about her. Another I knew was agoraphobic, afraid to leave their home for fear of their perceived inaccessible access in social contacts. There is so much we do not know that goes on in our minds, but I just hope one day you will either prove it or disprove it with recordings so that you can move forward with your life.
God bless you Brother Christ_empowered in Jesus' name. :)
 
thanks, Eugene.

i'll pray about this soon (I have to pray out loud--concentration issues--so I wait until I've at least got the downstairs all to mahself...).

I really do appreciate your concern and support over the years. At this point, I'm off probation, the expungement order has been granted, and...I'm pretty much just trying to move forward, thanks to Christ.

Thanks again. :)
 
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