Christ_empowered
Member
my dad's a great man. I mean that. we've had definite down points in our father-son relationship, but since I got (miraculously) saved 5 years ago, things have gotten a whole, whole lot better. I think The Lord's work in changing me--I'm no longer flamboyantly, soon to burst into flames, GAY...I'm healthy, a tad bit taller (5'10 beats 5'7, lol), and I even look just a bit younger than my age because I"m so healthy (hard to reconcile w/ a prematurely aged burn out, am I right), plus I'm drug+drink free, better (and completely different, thank God) personality, etc. And yet...
He's -always- worked. He hails from this close knit family and group of people. Lots of the extended family had businesses, so he started there at 14, never w/o a job since. Me? Sickly, queer, awkward, possibly mentally ill from a young age...unemployed :-( . I mean, now I get disability for the "severe Bipolar I" (probably either Schizoaffective or relatively high functioning Schizophrenia, but...you know...reasonably intelligent, lucid on meds, from a "good family"="Bipolar I"), but...still.
I did drugs in my teens and early 20s. Again; God is good! I don't put all that much faith in IQ, but my estimate is apparently on the high(er) end...more importantly: after all my drugs, involuntary shock treatments, etc., my IQ might have been about 95 (100 is absolute average), plus i Had -obvious- brain damage. Now, the estimate is a good bit higher and more importantly...bright eyed, no major impairments, no obvious brain damage. God is good!
So, I think sometimes he views me as lazy, when really...when I've worked, people made my life hell. I tried working a little on campus job as a teenager, when I was at college. I didn't know it then (I lived in a bubble, btw), but most people there did -not- care for me, and the other student workers did -not- want me working there, so...yeah. That didn't go well. Plus, it was calling alumni to beg for money, and the people we called got all kindsa irritated, angry, surly, etc.
Then, I worked in a movie theater and a restaurant. Thing is...I rubbed some important people the wrong way, so there was a "trickle down" effect (read: coworkers made my life miserable, plus that was when I had the brain damage and such...). Ugh.
OK. Plus, I'm healthy now, bright eyed now, I even have "too much hair now" (not too shabby for a former balding flamer), but...I Have to take 1-3 psych drugs daily. The 1 I -must- take is a heavy-hitter, its an 'atypical' tranquilizer. I'm on Abilify which about as non-toxic and "clean" (according to my shrink...) as you can get w/ tranquilizers. I"m on a moderate dose. I"m usually also on a "mood stabilizer," plus I'm prescribed stuff to take as-needed for anxiety, agitation, etc. (i very rarely take it, thank goodness). Point is...
even w/ the psych drug(s), I"ve got some lingering stuff going on. I also pop all kindsa vitamins and antioxidants, which...seems to help me tolerate the Abilify (like I said, its a heavy-hitter). My counselor think I might be able to get a job in a year or two, then see about transitioning into living more autonomously.
My dad...well...I think he perceives me as just lazy and using my parents. Not always, and there's not mega-friction or anything, just...its a vibe I get, now and then. Ugh. I haven't had a single drink in nearly 10 years, smoked a joint in over 10 years, etc...and yet...
I get the sense that my dad still blames me for a lot of the problems I had, etc. Not that I was (or am) blameless, but...I didn't sign up for shock 'treatments' and a lobotomy. I was also bashed on the head w/ a pipe during a botched mugging. SO...clearly...
either God has willed to make me intelligent enough -despite- brain damage (true story; I had to get a brain scan, and I should probably "be a vegetable," accorind to a nurse), or I have more brain cells now. I kinda lean towards more brain cells, because I don't have the tics, memory problems, dullness, lack of social graces, etc. that plagued me when I was -obviously- severely brain damaged. Plus, God can and will do as He sees fit, but for most people...its good to have brain cells, and being brain damaged causes major problems (yes, its me; Captain Obvious).
Ugh. I ask that you pray for my dad and for our developing, growing relationship as father and (former wretch, now work-in-progress) son.
Thanks.
He's -always- worked. He hails from this close knit family and group of people. Lots of the extended family had businesses, so he started there at 14, never w/o a job since. Me? Sickly, queer, awkward, possibly mentally ill from a young age...unemployed :-( . I mean, now I get disability for the "severe Bipolar I" (probably either Schizoaffective or relatively high functioning Schizophrenia, but...you know...reasonably intelligent, lucid on meds, from a "good family"="Bipolar I"), but...still.
I did drugs in my teens and early 20s. Again; God is good! I don't put all that much faith in IQ, but my estimate is apparently on the high(er) end...more importantly: after all my drugs, involuntary shock treatments, etc., my IQ might have been about 95 (100 is absolute average), plus i Had -obvious- brain damage. Now, the estimate is a good bit higher and more importantly...bright eyed, no major impairments, no obvious brain damage. God is good!
So, I think sometimes he views me as lazy, when really...when I've worked, people made my life hell. I tried working a little on campus job as a teenager, when I was at college. I didn't know it then (I lived in a bubble, btw), but most people there did -not- care for me, and the other student workers did -not- want me working there, so...yeah. That didn't go well. Plus, it was calling alumni to beg for money, and the people we called got all kindsa irritated, angry, surly, etc.
Then, I worked in a movie theater and a restaurant. Thing is...I rubbed some important people the wrong way, so there was a "trickle down" effect (read: coworkers made my life miserable, plus that was when I had the brain damage and such...). Ugh.
OK. Plus, I'm healthy now, bright eyed now, I even have "too much hair now" (not too shabby for a former balding flamer), but...I Have to take 1-3 psych drugs daily. The 1 I -must- take is a heavy-hitter, its an 'atypical' tranquilizer. I'm on Abilify which about as non-toxic and "clean" (according to my shrink...) as you can get w/ tranquilizers. I"m on a moderate dose. I"m usually also on a "mood stabilizer," plus I'm prescribed stuff to take as-needed for anxiety, agitation, etc. (i very rarely take it, thank goodness). Point is...
even w/ the psych drug(s), I"ve got some lingering stuff going on. I also pop all kindsa vitamins and antioxidants, which...seems to help me tolerate the Abilify (like I said, its a heavy-hitter). My counselor think I might be able to get a job in a year or two, then see about transitioning into living more autonomously.
My dad...well...I think he perceives me as just lazy and using my parents. Not always, and there's not mega-friction or anything, just...its a vibe I get, now and then. Ugh. I haven't had a single drink in nearly 10 years, smoked a joint in over 10 years, etc...and yet...
I get the sense that my dad still blames me for a lot of the problems I had, etc. Not that I was (or am) blameless, but...I didn't sign up for shock 'treatments' and a lobotomy. I was also bashed on the head w/ a pipe during a botched mugging. SO...clearly...
either God has willed to make me intelligent enough -despite- brain damage (true story; I had to get a brain scan, and I should probably "be a vegetable," accorind to a nurse), or I have more brain cells now. I kinda lean towards more brain cells, because I don't have the tics, memory problems, dullness, lack of social graces, etc. that plagued me when I was -obviously- severely brain damaged. Plus, God can and will do as He sees fit, but for most people...its good to have brain cells, and being brain damaged causes major problems (yes, its me; Captain Obvious).
Ugh. I ask that you pray for my dad and for our developing, growing relationship as father and (former wretch, now work-in-progress) son.
Thanks.
