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[ Testimony ] My Testimony - An issue of allowing myself to trust

Nov 8, 2017
A key time in my conversion came when, amidst the doubts, God told me to trust in Jesus to save me from hell and to guide me in my life. For a long time, I was a doubter. I felt like I didn't qualify for God's acceptance. So how could I trust him if he never spoke to me or at least I never figured out or believed he was talking to me? How does a doubter, like I was, flip the switch to being a faithful believer?

God does the interaction, but for a long time I knew God was the initiator, but he seemed to not be doing any initiating. I figured he wanted to ignore me for a reason, and my belief never got ignited into faith. I was simply afraid that I believed like the demons believed, but had no faith.

And maybe that's where I was for a while, I don't really know. But at some point, I heard a message from Jack Graham on the radio, and I didn't catch the whole message - but I did hear these words: "Trust in Me. You trust God, trust in Me also." I have read that part of Scripture before. But that night it was different. I thought, "Ok, I want to trust in Jesus, but I really don't, God" (confession of unbelief) "I believe your words are true, and I feel like an abomination to you. Please love me, please help me trust in Jesus and in you, Father."

I had been searching my spirituality for 25 years when this day finally arrived. I heard God speak to me, very quietly but in a way I trusted was God, "You can trust in Jesus now." And I said, "OK, God, you've given me permission to trust in Jesus, and I'm going to do just that."

I've never heard of anyone else describing their conversion that way. I think God gave me permission to believe years before that. But I wasn't ready to believe yet. I believe I was probably a baby Christian tossed by every wind of doctrine out there, doubting and sinking in that lake of water. But much like Jesus did for Thomas, he did for me too. He initiated contact with me. It was his voice I wanted to hear (we're talking spiritual ears here).

I never thought about it much, but God is totally in charge, and nothing can happen unless he commands it to happen. Even Satan has to get permission from God to do his work. God gave me "permission to trust in Jesus," even if maybe he had already given me the choice and free will to trust earlier in my life, and I was too messed up and blind to see that I could have.

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