Need help coping with a sexless marriage

[Frustr8ed]

I feel like I'm at the end of my rope and really need some help. I have been married for 17 years and have a wonderful 8 year old child. My wife and I have not had sex in just shy of 4 years now and it has been almost a daily struggle for me. She claims that she is unable to because of medical reasons (she claims heart problems) but we have been to several doctors and they've all said there is nothing wrong with her and ALL have prescribed anti-anxiety medications for her and most have recommended she see a counselor but she refuses.

She is a stay at home mom and I do plenty to help out around the house. I've done my own laundry for most of our married life and I do my own cooking. I throw this out there to show, it has nothing to do with stress from a job or being overworked at home.

We sleep in separate bedrooms because she says I move around too much at night and keep her awake. Not to mention that she has to have the TV on, a fan and a portable air conditioner going at all times.

Shortly after the sex stopped, so did the deep kisses, hugs and holding hands. When asked about it, she said she has never liked kissing. (oh really? so the first 15 years was just out of obligation?)

As long as I don't bring it up or show my frustration, she acts as if everything is perfectly normal. After the first two years of complaining about it, I spent 6 months trying to be the best husband I could be. I didn't bring it up and kept a smile on my face at all time. I had always given her nightly foot and leg massages to help relieve her anxiety and help her relax which I continued. I made sure the house stayed clean and took care of the vacuuming and cleaning of the bathrooms as she said they caused her issues. I thought if I was the perfect husband, she would want to meet my needs as well. Nope, just expected more of me.

I've thought of leaving and even though scripturally, I wouldn't be able to re-marry, I would feel less frustrated. Unfortunately, my child is my number one priority and since it would wreck their life if I left, I just couldn't do it. Unfortunately, I'm feeling lately that more and more, this last golden thread that the child represents in holding this marriage together is wearing thin and won't last much longer.

Keep in mind that this is just my side of the story and that there are 17 years of history in this marriage so I'm sure there are other contributing factors but I believe this is a fair representation of the problem in a nutshell. Any thoughts are welcome and more importantly, your prayers are appreciated.

 

[MaxTO]

You have my prayers

To solve this problem you definitely need out side help . Sounds like your wife is not being honest with you and herself .

Before anything else can be said more info on your wife is needed , however , seeing how she is not being open with you , you most likely would not have the needed info .

I would try and look back to one to two years before the sex stopped for answers as to what she may have been going through , or what she may have been dealing with . Or any little thing that you may have found odd about her behavior at the time .

Once again you need outside help and I wish you all the best

 

[FrMattCH]

You guys need counseling. Are you guys Christian? Do you attend church together?

 

[Frustr8ed]

Yes, there were a couple of events that happened prior to this and I'm sure they have a lot to do with the problem. In fact, I believe the medical issues she claims to have are manifestations of her mental/emotional issues and at times, she has basically agreed. When we've discussed counseling, she says she would only go to a Christian counselor to ensure Christian advice but then turns around and refuses to to go a Christian counselor because they might know someone in the Church and doesn't want people talking about her. I believe it's just fear of dealing with her problems. Attempts to discuss counseling either end up in arguments or just get brushed off.

A friend of mine suggested that I go to counseling by myself to get help dealing with this situation and to prepare myself for what appears to be the obvious ending to this situation.

 

[Danus]

I feel like I'm at the end of my rope and really need some help. I have been married for 17 years and have a wonderful 8 year old child. My wife and I have not had sex in just shy of 4 years now and it has been almost a daily struggle for me. She claims that she is unable to because of medical reasons (she claims heart problems) but we have been to several doctors and they've all said there is nothing wrong with her and ALL have prescribed anti-anxiety medications for her and most have recommended she see a counselor but she refuses.

.............

I attempted to do some research for you by typing "reasons why a wife does not have sex." and I got all sorts of information. too much to digest, post here, or try and talk about.

I think we are just seeing the first layer of a bigger issue in your OP. So, you might try typing "reasons why a wife does not have sex" in Google and see if you can find similar stories. I think you will.

 

[23Psalm]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am going through the same thing with my wife. However, I take full respsonibilty for my actions and why she doesn't want to have sex with me anymore. It would be good for you to talk to somebody and perhaps you guys can seek Christian counseling away from the church.

I do have a question, do you think she is having an affair? At the end of the day, you can only be the best husband that you can be and if you are doing what God is asking you to do, he will bless you. Continue to pray for your wife. God can fix anything. Stay strong!

 

[WinterRose]

I am praying for you both.

Have you ever thought of finding a babysitter for your 8 year old. The reason I ask that is maybe it's time that you and your wife take a mini weekend vacation away from home / phones / computers. So just surprize her make a reservation some place special just for the two of you. Maybe you can find a place that has a Jacuzzi in the room & be sure to get a king size bed or if your in the mood to just cuddle get a queen size bed.

And, leading up to the trip go out be sure to find out if the room has a mini refrigerator and then if it does then get a bottle of non-alcoholic sparkling apple cider & some special glasses that you can find at the $ 1.00 store. Also purchase some chocolate & some fresh fruit. Once you arrive at the hotel make sure to get the sparkling cider into the refrigerator to start getting cold. While there { or before hand } check out and see if there is any special places to take her to dinner and so take her out to eat and take your time eating. When you get back to the room ... set the mood for just a little bit of cuddle time and you might be surprised something just might happen. Then ... set up the Jacuzzi and get it ready & once it is ready then ... ask her to come in and join you and be sure to have your drinks poured and then you two can sip on the drinks and enjoy each other's company. The treats come in handy too after the time in the Jacuzzi ... so NO NEED to eat everything on the first night ... save some for the next night too. And just have fun with each other ... if your Christians then bring along a bible and share some of your favorite verses and just have some fun. During the daylight hours ... go for long walks ... go to the movies ... just have some fun.

I really think that you will have a good time with this. I can tell you this ... I have been married to the same man for 34 years this year in April. We get away in April for a weekend getaway { Friday - Sunday } and have a good time !! We always find some place new to explore. We do bring along special drink and some fruit and some chocolate. We usually find a place that has a good hiking trail and on Saturday we usually go for walks in the morning early and then we find something to do in the afternoon. We do the same thing in the fall { October } and get away and it's always good to find some where to go ... this year we did not do much in April since our anniversary was a Sunday and we had just gotten back from NH from visiting my family so that was a good vacation but NOT MUCH ALONE TIME for us because our daughter was with us. { sure she is 23 years old - but I am sure that she knew what was going on under the sheets } So, we are planning our FALL TRIP and so ... I cannot wait to see what is in store for us this year.

So, give it a try and if your wanting a friend to talk with ... I am here for you just look me up. So, many hugs and blessings for you and your wife & I pray that this MINI TRIP will jump start things for you two again.

 

[Mike]

Felix, please don't turn this into one of your polygamy threads. There are so many more of us that reject your support for it, we don't have enough stamina combined to out last you.

No more about that stuff in this thread.

 

[felix]

Felix, please don't turn this into one of your polygamy threads. There are so many more of us that reject your support for it, we don't have enough stamina combined to out last you.

No more about that stuff in this thread.

I did not. I gave him a sound Biblical advise to solve his problem.

 

[Richasher777]

Hi Brother, I think you need to tell her straight, that unless she is willing to go to christian marriage counselling the marriage will terminate, tell her that you are crying out for affection, that she is staving you of affection and that it will not end well unless she is willing to deal with her past.
A very very difficuilt cross brother, a struggle after non sex for a month but four years I mean crap. She is emotionally and sexually staving you is is wrong.
One scripture that as kept me in my marriage is . Unless a man forsake all that he has he cannot be my disciples.
So laying down my life for my wife, loving her, love is a verb, not necessarily a feeling. God give you wisdom, your wife is not choosing to deal with her past which is a pre requisite to growth as a Christian.
In your situation, I think it better to spank the monkey that all into sin with another women, adultery.

Father God have mercy on my brother in Jesus name strengthen him, give him clarity of though and process, help him to move forward.

 

[Frustr8ed]

Thank you all for your input.

SummerRose - While your suggestion sounds very nice and I wish it were that simple, I tried the romantic approach early on to resolve this issue. Unfortunately, this problem runs much deeper.

Felix - While I don't think my upbringing or my interpretation of the scriptures would allow me to follow your advice, I do appreciate your input and viewpoint from outside the box.

Rich - Giving my wife an ultimatum would not go over very well. Anytime, I bring up how utterly frustrated I feel about the situation, I'm made to feel guilty for not understanding how difficult it is for her to deal with her issues and that I'm only interested in getting sex. You are correct though, this will not end well.

More importantly, I thank all of you for your prayers. Paul tells us that husband and wife should only put sex off for an agreed time and then come together again so that temptation doesn't get ahold of us. Believe me, he knew what he was talking about. Unfortunately, my wife stands firmly by Pauls statement that it was him saying that and not a command from the Lord. I also put my hope in the verse in Proverbs which states that any man that finds a wife has found favor from the Lord. I can't imagine that his intention was for me to find a wife that does not share my affections and to suffer like this. I trust he will give me the answer.

 

[Richasher777]

Thank you all for your input.

SummerRose - While your suggestion sounds very nice and I wish it were that simple, I tried the romantic approach early on to resolve this issue. Unfortunately, this problem runs much deeper.

Felix - While I don't think my upbringing or my interpretation of the scriptures would allow me to follow your advice, I do appreciate your input and viewpoint from outside the box.

Rich - Giving my wife an ultimatum would not go over very well. Anytime, I bring up how utterly frustrated I feel about the situation, I'm made to feel guilty for not understanding how difficult it is for her to deal with her issues and that I'm only interested in getting sex. You are correct though, this will not end well.

More importantly, I thank all of you for your prayers. Paul tells us that husband and wife should only put sex off for an agreed time and then come together again so that temptation doesn't get ahold of us. Believe me, he knew what he was talking about. Unfortunately, my wife stands firmly by Pauls statement that it was him saying that and not a command from the Lord. I also put my hope in the verse in Proverbs which states that any man that finds a wife has found favor from the Lord. I can't imagine that his intention was for me to find a wife that does not share my affections and to suffer like this. I trust he will give me the answer.

Don't give up.

 

[Richasher777]

Hi jethro

I hear you, it's difficuilt to comprehend your level of suffering, but really how much would you identify the behaviour of your wife as selfish. And if indeed it is selfish, are you helping her to become more Christ like by continuing to just endure?
It's clearly not healthy, as it puts you in a position of vulnerability, and her in a position of stubbornness enfolded with selfishness.

As I said before love is a verb, so for example you continue to speak her love language ( five love languages). But I think going to see people regularly as a couple about this issue is important.

 

[Richasher777]

I would encourage you both to increase your level of prayer on this, if you are Pentecostal spend some time paying in tongues about this, give considerable time, and if your wife permits go in and lay hands in prayer on your wife. Just fel the Lord say tell them to increase there level of prayer about the matter. God is able.

 

[jaydee]

I'm not married, but I am engaged.

Everything aside. Has your wife ever been raped, or sexually assaulted? You don't have to answer that directly, but I can see this being a big reason for why she doesn't want to have sex.

I say this because it's entirely different when a wife completely refuses to have sex outright, and a wife that has sex but doesn't enjoy it. If she experienced something traumatic, it could very well be the reason she doesn't want to have sex and I suggest she get professional help IMMEDIATELY because not only is this hurting you, it's also destroying her if that is the case.

I also want you to know I'm proud of you for not cheating, and I completely advise against cheating on her or having a mistress. Whatever she's dealing with, that would only make it worse and make her feel like she failed as a wife. She's not failing as a wife, it is not her duty to have sex with you whenever you want it. She has to want it, too.

I can't think of anything I wouldn't be comfortable explaining to my fiance, for why I don't want to have sex, and from what you've described, it seems like you've made it as easy as possible for her to just explain to you why she will not have sex.

I also don't think anyone on here can provide you with the right reason she doesn't want to have sex. Only she can do that, unfortunately.

It could also be as simple as she's just not attracted to you anymore. As hard as that is to hear, and I'm not trying to be mean about it, it does happen. A lot. People change as they grow older, and they're not attracted to the same things they used to be. You might not have changed at all, but the way she feels might have and she just doesn't want to tell you.

It sounds like as long as this has been going on, though, at some point she would have came forward honestly about the issue. Sex might be uncomfortable for her, she might not enjoy it anymore and maybe never has, and just feels like she can be open about rejecting your offers now. I don't know, only she knows.

Whatever the problem, I do hope you can work it out with her without divorcing her. It'll probably take a lot of time, and talking, but I think communication is the most important thing in marriage (aside from sex, ha) and as long as you make sure she knows she can talk to you about this, and that you are genuinely concerned about it, eventually I think she'll come around.

 

[Jethro Bodine]

...I think communication is the most important thing in marriage (aside from sex, ha)

Aside from sex? I strongly recommend that no one ever get married thinking sex is so important in a marriage that the marriage hangs in the balance based on it.

Sex is the icing on the cake for two people who have much better and lasting things they like about each other and enjoy together. A relationship based on the fleeting biological qualities of youth and vigor that God built into us will fail when those fleeting qualities of the flesh disappear (and they surely will). The person you should marry is the person you know you can be truly happy with without sex when the various circumstances of life and humanness keep sex from happening.

Communication is important in marriage, but really, if a couple succeeds in communicating their problems with one another, but lack godly character to resolve those problems all they've got are really well communicated and understood problems in their marriage, not answers for their problems. Just knowing why your spouse refuses to have sex with you may take some of the sting out of why they are doing that, but it is only the beginning, and hardly an answer in and of itself.

If, as you suggest, refusal of sex can be representative of the end of that person's desire to be married, you've got much more than just a sex problem on your hands. Sex is really a barometer of a relationship, not the relationship itself. But so many of us don't know that.

 

[Thirstyone]

I agree with counseling for your wife.


http://www.biblegateway.com/audio/mclean/niv/1Cor.7

1 Corinthians 7 Concerning Married Life

7 Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.†<sup class="versenum">2 </sup>But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. <sup class="versenum">3 </sup>The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. <sup class="versenum">4 </sup>The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. <sup class="versenum">5 </sup>Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. <sup class="versenum">6 </sup>I say this as a concession, not as a command. <sup class="versenum">7 </sup>I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

 

[felix]

I agree with counseling for your wife.


http://www.biblegateway.com/audio/mclean/niv/1Cor.7

1 Corinthians 7 Concerning Married Life

7 Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.†<sup class="versenum">2 </sup>But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. <sup class="versenum">3 </sup>The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. <sup class="versenum">4 </sup>The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. <sup class="versenum">5 </sup>Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. <sup class="versenum">6 </sup>I say this as a concession, not as a command. <sup class="versenum">7 </sup>I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

How long I had to go around correcting people who use a deceiving translation?

(1Cor 7:1) Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: [It is] good for a man not to touch a woman.

Not to touch is not the same as: not to have sexual relations as NIV says.

 

[jaydee]

Aside from sex? I strongly recommend that no one ever get married thinking sex is so important in a marriage that the marriage hangs in the balance based on it.

Sex is the icing on the cake for two people who have much better and lasting things they like about each other and enjoy together. A relationship based on the fleeting biological qualities of youth and vigor that God built into us will fail when those fleeting qualities of the flesh disappear (and they surely will). The person you should marry is the person you know you can be truly happy with without sex when the various circumstances of life and humanness keep sex from happening.

Communication is important in marriage, but really, if a couple succeeds in communicating their problems with one another, but lack godly character to resolve those problems all they've got are really well communicated and understood problems in their marriage, not answers for their problems. Just knowing why your spouse refuses to have sex with you may take some of the sting out of why they are doing that, but it is only the beginning, and hardly an answer in and of itself.

If, as you suggest, refusal of sex can be representative of the end of that person's desire to be married, you've got much more than just a sex problem on your hands. Sex is really a barometer of a relationship, not the relationship itself. But so many of us don't know that.

I never said that sex is the only factor in whether you're going to be happy in your marriage or not. It's still extremely important and it's silly to think it isn't.

 

[Jethro Bodine]

I never said that sex is the only factor in whether you're going to be happy in your marriage or not. It's still extremely important and it's silly to think it isn't.

Right, you did not say it was the only factor. And it is important. But in the context of this thread I'm suggesting it is not so important that it determines in and of itself whether you stay married or not. The reason a couple is not having sex anymore is what should determine the fate of a marriage. Knowing that is what will get us men (and some women) through the rough spots where sex is not available...and help us think reasonably and logically about whether or not the relationship really is over. Making that decision from the waist down only is foolish.

And I will say it again: Sex is not the relationship itself. Knowing this before marriage is one of the greatest truths a man should know when deciding to get married or not. And for us married men, it's a truth that can take the steam and frustration out of a sexless marriage and help him make right decisions about the relationship.