[__ Prayer __] Need to ask for prayers again

[Claudya]

Hey people,

I'm feeling very terrible. I'm not good with words right now, so I'm just gonna write the way stuff comes into my mind.
The problem is that something is profoundly wrong with me. While my intellect and my body are fine, my soul is totally messed up. I have no feeling for who I am. Seriously, I have no idea who I am. And I feel entirely worthless. There is just an ugly hole where my soul should be. Looking into myself is so disgusting, and that's why I have no idea who I am because I just don't want to be *me*.
I feel so loathsome that I can't imagine anyone would want to be around me. Whenever someone shows interest in me I back off because I don't want them to be disgusted of me. And because I am so busy feeling loathsome I am too self absorbed to really see other people and their needs, so I'm actually really narcissistic, just in a negative way. On the other hand I crave for everyone to love me unconditionally. I want to be able to perceive the needs of other and identify with their problems and their needs and bond with them and help them with their problems but I lack the social skills to do that. So no matter how many people I talk to every day I can never bond with them. I have no idea how to make them trust me and open their hearts to me.
I'll always be lonely in my heart because I can't bond with anyone. Because all I can think of when someone is talking to me is how disgusting and worthless they must find me. So I run away from them before they tell me that they find me disgusting.

I'm so messes up inside and I see no hope I'll ever get better. It's so hopeless, I'm too messed up. Maybe I don't even have a soul at all. I'm suffering so much, I'm just thinking about killing myself. I've been praying to God for my death many times.

Sorry for writing all this bull****, it's probably not making any sense at all, and I can't see my keyboard anyway because of all the tears in my eyes.

Would appreciate prayers. Or advise. Or kind words. Anything.

 

[farouk]

Claudya:

Try reading Ephesians 2.

 

[jeff77]

I am definitely praying for you.

 

[Claudya]

Thank you farouk and jeff77!

 

[Brother Mike]

Depression is caused by lack of vision. Depressed people can not see the point of continuation. Depressed people make excuses for why they can't go forward. People don't like them, people bring up the past, people won't give me a chance, the economy is bad, they are watching me, I have been diagnosed with bi-polar. So on.........

Joseph should have been depressed. Should have cried out to God because he thought God had some great plan but his brothers sale him into slavery instead. Joseph thought God had a plan, and it was going better until someone accused him of sexual misconduct he did not commit and ended up in prison. Joseph had every reason to give up, but he did not.
Joseph became the ruler of Egypt and God also restored his family back to him. Joseph had a vision greater than the troubles he faced along the way.

God has a plan for you. God is always faithful to show you part of that plan and give you something to walk toward. It's a great plan and something worth living for.

Paul could have said heck with all this after getting his ship busted in pieces and having to swim to shore. Soon after over a warm fire a poisonous snake latches onto his hand. Paul should have yelled out to God and said that is it, I quit. This job you gave me is way to dangerous, and there are some days Lord that I just want to quit. Paul never felt that way and has a seat in the throne room of God.

The Lord sent His Word to get us straight, there is power in the Word to change anything.

For this cause we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to desire that ye might be filled with the knowledge of his will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God; Strengthened with all might, according to his glorious power, unto all patience and longsuffering with joyfulness;
(Col 1:9-11)

Go to the Lord and show Him this word. Tell Him that you desire to know the hope of his calling, and riches of his glory. Tell Him that you believe that your filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding, that He can make it so clear to you and accessible. You are going to be filled with strength and his mercy and favor follows you all the days of your life. You have peace in your life and great days ahead. When God gives you his vision for you, write it down. It shall not tarry, but will come to pass. There are many great things to look forward to. God is faithful to show and direct, but we have to believe what He said and activate our faith in Him.

Meditate on that scripture in Col. Everyday claim it, keep it in front of you. You have a life of Hope and great things. When depression comes, speak aloud the Word given and tell the devil your taking God's plan over depression.

Mike.

 

[sealed servant]

Hi Claudya. I'm praying for you tonight from my motel room. I'm on the third floor so it ought to get out good, LOL. I know you've heard that old saying "count your blessings" a million times, but for those who are depressed it is excellent advice. Now stop and think. You were born in a wealthy nation with endless opportunities before you, you are apparently still young and in good health, you mention no serious financial problems or marital problems, you are also presumably a Christian with eternal life ahead of you in heaven. Low self esteem is not a bad thing, it brings forth humility which is precious in the eyes of God. Of those blessings I listed, which are but a few of what God gave you from birth, 75 percent of the Earths population can lay no claim to the same. The main problem is that you are more focused on other peoples opinion of you than you are on The Lords' viewpoint, and discount blessings you posess which others would kill to have. Step back and look at the larger picture. Then you will find yourself.

 

[Deborah13]

Claudya, I'm not going to give you scripture right now and I don't have any words of wisdom. All I can say is this, I always enjoy reading your posts and I watch for them. You are intelligent yes but you are also funny, actually witty. I believe your posts are very honest and heartfelt. But there have been times that I heard a lot more than that. I heard a person who defends the defenseless. Your compassion for others as leaped off the page and spoken to my heart.
I don't see you as you see you at all. I've often thought, now that is a young woman I'd like to meet. I have also seen you withdraw some. You have a lot to give, a lot to share. Your fear about how others see you is unfounded in my opinion.
I will lift you up to the Lord, my tears fall with yours. God is doing something in your life, don't let go, you will see, He is faithful. Deborah

 

[AirDancer]

I agree with Deborah's comment about not seeing you as you see yourself. I, too, have thought " [MENTION=91320]Claudya[/MENTION] is someone I'd like to meet someday." You have a gentle spirit, very loving actually, and you have been a blessing here at CFnet to us.

I also agree with Sealed Servant in that you need to step back and look at the larger picture of your life. People seek your friendship. Why? Because they're able to see a very likeable & very caring young woman, someone they'd like very much to call dear friend. So take a bit, review all the blessings our Lord has given, put a smile back on your face, and know you are well loved, not just by us here, but more importantly by our Lord who cherishes you!

 

[Speculative]

You're in my prayers, Claudya.

The passage that immediately comes to mind is Hebrews 11:37-38...From reading your posts on here, it seems to me that you are a very sensitive, caring person that is in touch with the Lord's leading and in the suffering of other people. As such, you may feel that you don't really fit in with many of those around you--hence the feelings of worthlessness. However, I think the exact opposite is true. Having a special burden for people is ofttimes a lonely road that is not understood by many. Remember that Jesus is called the Man of Sorrows, and remember the way the prophets spoken of in Hebrews 11 must've felt as they were ridiculed and persecuted. Remember that you are specially loved by God and of infinite worth to Him--so much so that Jesus gave up his life for you. You are loved by God and the people on this forum.

 

[Eugene]

Dear sister, you are so blessed regardless of you that Jesus died for You. Now there is a work by God going on in you that can become a battle as He chisels away the dross; it hurts. We read in Proverbs 27:17 "Iron sharpeneth iron" and that is part of the things God is allowing in your life to be conformed into the very image of Christ. The very ones you would like to trust are the very ones driving you to trust completely in God instead of man.

Claudya, I will pray that you let go of you; negative or positive and learn to fight the good fight of faith that God truly is for you, will not leave nor forsake you, and everything He allows is to strengthen you and for your good.

You desire change and that in itself is hope. We are told in Hebrews 11:1 that "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." You need to build on the faith God has given you and that comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God (Romans 10:17).

In Christ you have already overcome the world; learn to believe God for all other things that He wants to, and is adding to you in Jesus.

By your testimony you are attending daily sessions now and even in that God is with you. I do not know how God is using those people, but they may be given grace to point out something in your diet missing, or med needed. Trust God in this, we love you, and be blessed in Christ Jesus.

 

[providence]

Both of you mentioned Hebrews 11:1-40, a chapter on faith within people (like Joseph). It says that faith is the "substance/assurance of things hoped for, the evidence/conviction of things not seen." If when obeying God in faith, we do not immediately perceive God working in our humble circumstances, it doesn't mean that he is not working. So it was in the troubled life of Joseph (Gen 50:20). John 4:37, Psalms 27:14, and Ecclesiastes 11:1 have similar tones of faith preceding perception.

If I say I don't like who I am and where I am, who am I to say? God (the potter) has still formed me (the clay) and placed me as he has providentially desired (Romans 9:20). In Luke 5:8, Peter said to Christ, "Depart from me, for I am a sinful man, O Lord." We don't know Peter to be publicly sinful as a criminal, but Peter perceived, as any human, his unclean inner state in the presence of the Most Holy God, yet Jesus did not walk away but on that rock would build his Church (Matthew 16:18). Mary entrusted her life to God to mold it when that trust was difficult: “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.†(Luke 1:38)(ESV). Moses was called to lead despite not being eloquent (Exodus 4:10), and nor do I feel much standing to write this message. God can do much with his clay and achieve his purposes in faith despite what we lack.

One thing we can have confidence and delight in despite our failings is that God is good. The Psalmist does talk about "me" but still devotes time to exalting God (Psalms 145:1-21). The Lord's prayer (Matthew 6:9-13) begins with a reverence for God's name and what he will do before even mentioning self and others. We may dwell and meditate rather on that.

The Potter, evidently, has noble purposes for you. Even the small events and work you do in life can also be noble. Erase "disgusting" and write "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalms 139:14). Convincing lies have a semblance of truth. Jesus on Earth may have been like God crawling among the cockroaches, but these make up the Church, which Jesus atoned for and presents as a bride (Ephesians 5:27) and declares holy/good/righteous, for this is "imputed" to us (2 Corinthians 5:21).

I often find gotquestions has good points on topics: http://www.gotquestions.org/self-hatred.html.

 

[Claudya]

Thank you for all your kind and wise words.
Getting so much attention and kindness for my personal struggles is overwhelming and I'm a bit helpless now not knowing how to respond well.

I'm very happy you are praying for me, really it means a lot.

Aw man I wish I could give a better response.

 

[Angel]

Hello Claudya.

I think that you have a passionate soul. I also think that you are hurting deeply. The truth is that you really are not worthless. You are not disgusting!!! God created you. He has a destiny for you!

I read this post, and honestly there is nothing you have said that makes me feel like you are disgusting. I'm serious!

As far as exchanging trust and an open heart to others, this involves risk. Jesus is the only One who you can place complete trust in, and he is the only One who can perfectly open your heart in oneness with Him. Since it seems that you are quite stressed about making friends, I suggest that you try studying God's Word first and getting to know Him and how much he loves you.

I know what you mean when you say that you are messed up. I used drugs and alcohol, faces homelessness, and have a brain disease that sometimes fools me into thinking that I'm hopeless. But God is healing me little by little.

I do not think you are disgusting. I think that you are so hurt and are crying out for help. I will pray for you. If you ever want to talk,... I'm here.

Have a good night.

Angel

 

[tim-from-pa]

Thank you for all your kind and wise words.
Getting so much attention and kindness for my personal struggles is overwhelming and I'm a bit helpless now not knowing how to respond well.

I'm very happy you are praying for me, really it means a lot.

Aw man I wish I could give a better response.

Probably because you are young yet you are trying to find your niche. I went thru the same thing. But in all your feelings, I do sense a great intelligence and certain charismatic component to your words and personality. After all, I don't choose just anyone as a friend. There is definitely a component in what you say that tells me you have hope, despite your feelings. We'll call it the God factor. Sometimes we are depressed not because we no longer want to live, but rather we want to live to the fullest and are just disappointed in the mediocrity we see all about us. And also, as it was brought up, if we don't have a goal that may add to the depression.

I'll keep you in my prayers, but I think you'll snap out of it one day. I did.

 

[Claudya]

Thank you girls and guys, all who have been praying for me.

I'm still in a rather bad state, I had an "exciting" day today. I'm very sleep deprived because I have to get up at 6 am in the morning in order to travel to a nearby town where I attend a psychiatric day hospital (and of course I can't go to bed before midnight because Karate or Kendo practice in the evening is more important than sleep ;))
I'm having major trouble getting along with the other patients there. So not fitting in there + sleep deprivation is a bad combination. I had some pretty bad emotional outbreak today that I fear will have some sort of consequences, and will make getting along with those people even harder.
It seems everything in the world has the potential to cause some out of control negative emotions in me, and I have little hope to ever be sane.
I've been wondering whether not being sane might actually be a gift from God to me, because maybe I could do or see things others cannot, but then I fail even at the easiest tasks (like, for example, small talk with people), so I really don't feel I'm where God wants me to be. On the one hand I feel strength and determination inside of me, on the other hand I'm like a prisoner of my own behavioural and emotional habits.

God has shown me some love today though, and I'd love to share that testimony.
After I got home from the hospital I was totally devasted and hopeless and crying all the way home. I was feeling empty and unworthy of love and friendship. I couldn't stop thinking how desperately I'd love to get a hug from just anybody, but wasn't going to meet anyone I could ask for a hug for the next 3 days... but then I "randomly" ran into several friends. The first one surprisingly seemed to be really cheerfull and happy to see me (surprisingly, because we had a bit of a conflict last time we met) and we had some fun chat and he gave me the hug that I was craving (I didn't even have to ask); another friend of mine from my church I met in a drugstore 20 minutes later, and she spontaneously invited me to have a coffee with her, although she had little time she wanted to know how things are going for me in the psychiatric hospital, and she really had some kind words for me. And then I also met a very nice neighbour when I got off the bus near my home, and we had a good conversation about heavy metal music while walking home together.
So it's been up and down today.
Tomorrow I will have to go the hospital and 1. ask everyone else for forgiveness, and 2. face the consequences, most likely the staff will try to urge me to move into the inpatient part of the hospital for a while, which would mean no more martial arts, no more cf.net, no more volunteering in church & nursing home, and no more surprisingly running into friends God sent my way for several weeks. I was hoping to avoid that, but after today's struggles I might actually agree to give full time psychiatry a try.

I'm hoping God will give me strength to keep walking the healing path. I also pray He'll give my co-patients and the staff a lot of patience to deal with my lack of self control.

 

[farouk]

 

[Eugene]

I fail even at the easiest tasks (like, for example, small talk with people)

Hi Claudya, have I got the solution for you? and yes I do. You are such a prolific writer at reflecting your feelings, I suggest you carry a notepad and pen, ask for the person that says something to you for a moment of time to reply with a hand written note. Walla!

heavy metal music

I do hope you keep this in the form of notes only.

no more martial arts, no more cf.net, no more volunteering in church & nursing home

Possibly rest is the one thing you're denying you that is needed most, but I for one will miss your posts. I will continue in prayer for you and hope to hear from you again soon.

 

[Angel]

Hello Claudya! How ya doin doll face?

I have been through partial hospitalization twice, and the first time I went I was so paranoid and wept to the point where I was embarrassed, but I needed to cry out in that way- it was the first step of healing. I had to get up around 6 too because the van that took me and other patients to the hospital picked me up first. I didn't like that!

I too struggle with habitual negative thoughts. You just have to learn coping skills to deal with it. It took me over 4 years practicing coping skills for them to work the best. Also, it took that long to find the right medications for my illness. I was pushed to my limits sanity wise. I have found that Satan placed a lot of deception over my mind. I suggest reading the Bible and applying it to your situation, and if these negative thoughts arise you can reject them and praise Christ.

The strength within you to press on and move forward is from God. No matter how deep the pain is, God will protect you, heal you, love you. In your deepest pain, he truly is there. In my experience, God took many years to bring me to the peace where I am today. You just have to hold onto hope and pray that God will guide you in perseverance. You can do this! God wants you to enjoy your life!

I hope your day is going well today!

Angel

 

[Claudya]

I fail even at the easiest tasks (like, for example, small talk with people)

Hi Claudya, have I got the solution for you? and yes I do. You are such a prolific writer at reflecting your feelings, I suggest you carry a notepad and pen, ask for the person that says something to you for a moment of time to reply with a hand written note. Walla!

It's much easier to write about feelings in English. Not sure my shrinks would allow me to speak English with them.

heavy metal music

I do hope you keep this in the form of notes only.

Hey there's some good christian metal music out there. It's one of the things giving me strength to carry on.

no more martial arts, no more cf.net, no more volunteering in church & nursing home

Possibly rest is the one thing you're denying you that is needed most, but I for one will miss your posts. I will continue in prayer for you and hope to hear from you again soon.

Yeah I agree rest is needed most. I never had insomnia problems, but the last two weeks I often woke up after 3 hours and couldn't go back to sleep. One should think after 2 nights with only 3 hours of sleep one would sleep like a stone, but I didn't get more than 3 hours tonight, again.

 

[Claudya]

Hello Claudya! How ya doin doll face?

I have been through partial hospitalization twice, and the first time I went I was so paranoid and wept to the point where I was embarrassed, but I needed to cry out in that way- it was the first step of healing. I had to get up around 6 too because the van that took me and other patients to the hospital picked me up first. I didn't like that!

I too struggle with habitual negative thoughts. You just have to learn coping skills to deal with it. It took me over 4 years practicing coping skills for them to work the best. Also, it took that long to find the right medications for my illness. I was pushed to my limits sanity wise. I have found that Satan placed a lot of deception over my mind. I suggest reading the Bible and applying it to your situation, and if these negative thoughts arise you can reject them and praise Christ.

The strength within you to press on and move forward is from God. No matter how deep the pain is, God will protect you, heal you, love you. In your deepest pain, he truly is there. In my experience, God took many years to bring me to the peace where I am today. You just have to hold onto hope and pray that God will guide you in perseverance. You can do this! God wants you to enjoy your life!

I hope your day is going well today!

Angel

Thanks for your words.
Not sure I will ever find a full healing. I'd be happy just to adapt to my illness and find a way to live with it.
Heck, I'd be happy if only I'd get a diagnosis.