stovebolts
Member
Hey there's some good christian metal music out there. It's one of the things giving me strength to carry on.
You're not alone
Sometimes, ya just feel like a monster
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Guest, Join Papa Zoom today for some uplifting biblical encouragement! --> Daily Verses
[__ Prayer __] Need to ask for prayers again
- Thread starter Claudya
- Start date
You're not alone
Sometimes, ya just feel like a monster
stovebolts
Member
Angel
Member
Hey Claudya... Here is something for you to read:
Isaiah 61
1 The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed and qualified me to preach the Gospel of good tidings to the meek, the poor, and afflicted; He has sent me
to bind up and heal the brokenhearted
to proclaim liberty to the [physical and spiritual] captives
and the opening of the prison and of the eyes to those who are bound,
2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord [the year of His favor] [a]and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn,
3 To grant [consolation and joy] to those who mourn in Zion—
to give them an ornament (a garland or diadem) of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
the garment [expressive] of praise instead of a heavy, burdened, and failing spirit—
that they may be called oaks of righteousness [lofty, strong, and magnificent, distinguished for uprightness, justice, and right standing with God], the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.
Go over this Scripture carefully, meditating on it, and realize that this is God speaking to YOU
Isaiah 61
1 The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed and qualified me to preach the Gospel of good tidings to the meek, the poor, and afflicted; He has sent me
to bind up and heal the brokenhearted
to proclaim liberty to the [physical and spiritual] captives
and the opening of the prison and of the eyes to those who are bound,
2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord [the year of His favor] [a]and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn,
3 To grant [consolation and joy] to those who mourn in Zion—
to give them an ornament (a garland or diadem) of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
the garment [expressive] of praise instead of a heavy, burdened, and failing spirit—
that they may be called oaks of righteousness [lofty, strong, and magnificent, distinguished for uprightness, justice, and right standing with God], the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.
Go over this Scripture carefully, meditating on it, and realize that this is God speaking to YOU
jasoncran
Member
you must pray to accept that you will fail and the the strength to get up. I did a transmission clutch this weekend. if I didn't fail in the attempts to learn about this stuff I couldn't do it. yes I had help but still one can only learn by trying.
Angel
Member
The verse does not say that these things were meant for a certain people at a certain time. The verse is for:
"because the Lord has anointed and qualified me to preach the Gospel of good tidings to the meek, the poor, and afflicted;"
That includes you, sweetie.
..................not to mention all of us!!!
Claudya
Member
Verse 3 speaks about those mourning in Zion. Zion is pretty specifically a name for the land of Israel...
and if that passage is aimed at just everyone and we should apply it to ourselves, then why not also apply Jeremiah 4:6-8 to ourselves?
Oh well...
I know you didn't want to start a debate on some theological stuff.
You were trying to encourage me and remind me to meditate on God's love.
Thank you very much for that.
(Just having trouble to accept love when I feel unlovable. The idea someone might love me makes me angry for sme reason.)
and if that passage is aimed at just everyone and we should apply it to ourselves, then why not also apply Jeremiah 4:6-8 to ourselves?
Oh well...
I know you didn't want to start a debate on some theological stuff.
You were trying to encourage me and remind me to meditate on God's love.Thank you very much for that.
(Just having trouble to accept love when I feel unlovable. The idea someone might love me makes me angry for sme reason.)
Angel
Member
Well, honestly, I don't have the knowledge to debate. I just have been taught that all Scripture applies. You know what? I'm gonna make another post about that specifically. Maybe we both can learn something?
How old are you? When did this self-loathing start for you? When did you start self- harming? Why can't you accept love? I would like to know.
As long as I am here on this Forum, I will not give up on you. I know you can grow and mature and become the woman you have always wanted to be.
How old are you? When did this self-loathing start for you? When did you start self- harming? Why can't you accept love? I would like to know.
As long as I am here on this Forum, I will not give up on you. I know you can grow and mature and become the woman you have always wanted to be.
jasoncran
Member
self hatred isn't just whisked away for some. I thought I put a stop to that but I didn't. what helps for me is that I have to remind myself of the blessing that I have received and focus not on me but the Lord. it doesn't make the hate go away but it does put Me into Perspective that im not all that. what self-loathing often is that we want to be all that and have pities parties. when we focus on god we then accept we are nothing and then can be healed. its a hard habit to see this.
Claudya
Member
Yes, sure, go for it!
I'm about your age (like 2 years older I think). And I don't really know when the problems started, because for all I know I have always been like that. I can't remember ever not feeling uncomfortable with myself. The self-harming started early, too.
My parents are good people and it seems now that they are growing old and I'm far away they get along with each other and with me very well. But when I was a kid their marriage looked awful to me and they were unintentionally emotionally abusive. When I did something they disapproved of (e.g. getting grades lower than B or so) they slapped me in the face and completely ignored me for the rest of the day or even longer. In situations where my father couldn't ignore me he would look at me with a facial expression of disgust and disappointment. They weren't evil or resentfull, they just had very poor knowledge of how to teach a child.
So I always felt like I am disgusting and unworthy of love and inside I feel like when I do something that others *might* see as a mistake they would ignore me and stop loving me. I know with my rational mind that that's bullshit, and false beliefs that human error and the devil's lies have planted in me. But the feeling of worthlessness is hard to overcome by mere intellect.
My first acts of self-harm were actually slapping myself. Funny, exactly what my parents did with me for punishment. That's the most likely way I'd harm myself nowadays. But for a while I did things much worse. At age 22 or 23 I used to scratch off the skin on my forehead with my bare fingers, when I was angry at myself, just spontaneous and out of control. I did that around other people often. Thus I got my first visit with a psychiatrist.
Then I learned to control myself better and resist the self-harm urges until I was at home, where I would get a knife or a razor blade, desinfect my arm, desinfect the blade, and then cut myself to relieve my emotional pain. It was like a twisted ritual, but it helped so I wouldn't snap in public.
At some point my psychatrist prescribed anti-depressants and they helped me a lot to stop the self-harm, but made me lose interest in my life, so I got into my WoW addiction because I didn't care for real life any more. Shortly after starting to play WoW I had to quit the anti-depressants because I was too broke. Medically necessary medication is paid by our health insurance here, except for a small amount, like 5-10 €, but I didn't even have that much. But I went for another year and a half without meds, being gaming addicted, but without self harm.
After more than 6 years without self harm it just started happening again last summer, and at a scarily high frequency and intensity. And after quitting the gaming and smoking it only got worse.
My parents kept slapping me as a form of punishment (or maybe lacking emotional self-control themselves) until I was 14. At age 11 I had started learning Karate, and after almost three years of training I had good reflexes, and one day I actually defended myself when my mother tried to hit me. I wasn't thinking about what I was doing, I just acted on instinct. I blocked her attacks (she tried to slap me twice), but didn't strike back, a commendable way for a martial artist to act. After that incident the physical violence at home stopped. I had ended it, and had shown my mother that I'm not an easy victim of her emotional reactions any more. I could be proud on having been able to defend and protect myself. But I still continue to slap myself. I cannot protect myself from myself, because the negative messages about myself I had gotten through parents and lots of bullying had become part of me. They had become my own beliefs, my demons. :-(
That's basically the background story of my illness.
Sorry for writing so much, I should have been to bed long ago but it was actually good to write about all that stuff. This is a very self-centered post.
I've been doing better lately. This year was quite amazing for me in many regards. But I'm still struggling with even controlling my behaviour, let alone my emotions and thoughts.As long as I am here on this Forum, I will not give up on you. I know you can grow and mature and become the woman you have always wanted to be.
Thank you for not giving up on me! It's good to have the people on this forum.
Angel
Member
Hey Claudya. Thanks for opening up! I know it must have been difficult.
Your parents sound ignorant and abusive. The should have never done that to you! It sounds like they scarred you emotionally.
You said, (previously) that you cant work. Have you looked into applying for medicaid or social security disability?
Hmm... so how can you overcome the self-harm? Have you thought of any way?
How about instead of cutting, like your arm or something, get a washable marker and write "I love you" on yourself?
Also, think of something beautiful about you, and meditate on that.
Remember, too, that God is your true Father.
The devil is like a lion seeking whom he may devour. Don't give him the pleasure! He's going down and he wants to take as many as he can with him.He is a jerk-face to the max. Turn your back on Satan's lies, and immediately turn towards God.
Instead of hurt yourself, can you start crocheting or knitting instead? How about playing an instrument? Do you like drawing or cooking, or video games?
I really hope this may help you! Take care.
PS. Do you have FB? I'd like to add you.
Your parents sound ignorant and abusive. The should have never done that to you! It sounds like they scarred you emotionally.
You said, (previously) that you cant work. Have you looked into applying for medicaid or social security disability?
Hmm... so how can you overcome the self-harm? Have you thought of any way?
How about instead of cutting, like your arm or something, get a washable marker and write "I love you" on yourself?
Also, think of something beautiful about you, and meditate on that.
Remember, too, that God is your true Father.
The devil is like a lion seeking whom he may devour. Don't give him the pleasure! He's going down and he wants to take as many as he can with him.He is a jerk-face to the max. Turn your back on Satan's lies, and immediately turn towards God.
Instead of hurt yourself, can you start crocheting or knitting instead? How about playing an instrument? Do you like drawing or cooking, or video games?
I really hope this may help you! Take care.
PS. Do you have FB? I'd like to add you.
Christ_empowered
Member
I have mental issues, too. What helps me...like jasoncran said...focus on The Lord. He loves you. He is saving you, as we speak. Sometimes, I think mental health can exacerbate the problem by slapping on labels and telling people they're defective or whatever. Focus on Christ. He raised Lazarus from the dead, healed lepers and the demon possessed, and lots of other things that weren't even recorded.
One thing that helps me...pray to be flooded with The Lord's love, and to be made able to respond with love. Seriously...helps me.
One thing that helps me...pray to be flooded with The Lord's love, and to be made able to respond with love. Seriously...helps me.
Edward
2024 Supporter
I think what happened in the fall in the Garden of Eden was that man was cut off from Gods love and it left man wanting to feel acceptance and love. Everyone is like this, wanting to be loved, wanting to be accepted. That is a temporal condition for us and will one day be translated away for us...and so shall we ever be with the Lord.
You do not doubt your salvation. This much is clear. You are correct also. Now ask yourself this...is the Lord lying in the rest of the bible? That you have doubts about if God loves you or if you are lovable...does not change God or how he feels about you. This is your confusion or doubt, not His. Remember this and it may give you a better perspective to keep throughout this. These thoughts of yours are a spiritual attack upon you and come from outside of you. This is not how you feel in your heart and you know it! (God knows it too). So when these thoughts come to you...begin praising God out loud for loving you enough to send His son to die for you, and the other things that he has done for you in the past.
You need this personal positive reinforcement. Stand on the Word of God no matter how you feel. Faith is not a feeling, it is a positioning of the heart. The Word of God is not for everyone on earth except Claudya! You're in Claudya! Believe it, read it and speak it.
I will (continue to) pray for you also sister. We all love you here Claudya! You're tops!
You do not doubt your salvation. This much is clear. You are correct also. Now ask yourself this...is the Lord lying in the rest of the bible? That you have doubts about if God loves you or if you are lovable...does not change God or how he feels about you. This is your confusion or doubt, not His. Remember this and it may give you a better perspective to keep throughout this. These thoughts of yours are a spiritual attack upon you and come from outside of you. This is not how you feel in your heart and you know it! (God knows it too). So when these thoughts come to you...begin praising God out loud for loving you enough to send His son to die for you, and the other things that he has done for you in the past.
You need this personal positive reinforcement. Stand on the Word of God no matter how you feel. Faith is not a feeling, it is a positioning of the heart. The Word of God is not for everyone on earth except Claudya! You're in Claudya! Believe it, read it and speak it.
I will (continue to) pray for you also sister. We all love you here Claudya! You're tops!
Claudya
Member
Today I feel so worthless and depressed I can barely muster the strength to write those lines.
Some guy I met in a psychiatric hospital where I spend some time in summer messaged me on facebook suggesting we could meet again (in a friendship kind of way, he's happily married). His seemed really enthusiastic about seeing me. So I wrote an equally enthusiastic message in return and was totally happy for a few days because he used to be a person I looked up to and during the time in the hospital I had hoped to establish a friendship with him, but he seemed to care for everyone else more than me. So like I said I was really thrilled hearing from him, but ever since I wrote a response telling him how I've been doing since the release from hospital and suggesting to have a coffee together some time between christmas and the new year. I never got a response from him. That broke my heart again and destabilised me. I mean, how could I possibly think someone could possibly want to be friends with me? I should have known better, I'm totally unloveable. Maybe in a christian kind of love, like being kind to a poor mentally ill and inferior wretch because God commanded it or so; but what I really hunger for is someone actively seeking my presence because they think I'm an awesome person and want to spend time with me and think I'm an assett to their life in some way.
What do I have to do to attract people to have healthy dependable long lasting friendships with?
How does friendship work at all? What is it like to feel close to someone? What is it like to trust someone?
Where do you learn those kindes of things? Why didn't I learn that?
Some guy I met in a psychiatric hospital where I spend some time in summer messaged me on facebook suggesting we could meet again (in a friendship kind of way, he's happily married). His seemed really enthusiastic about seeing me. So I wrote an equally enthusiastic message in return and was totally happy for a few days because he used to be a person I looked up to and during the time in the hospital I had hoped to establish a friendship with him, but he seemed to care for everyone else more than me. So like I said I was really thrilled hearing from him, but ever since I wrote a response telling him how I've been doing since the release from hospital and suggesting to have a coffee together some time between christmas and the new year. I never got a response from him. That broke my heart again and destabilised me. I mean, how could I possibly think someone could possibly want to be friends with me? I should have known better, I'm totally unloveable. Maybe in a christian kind of love, like being kind to a poor mentally ill and inferior wretch because God commanded it or so; but what I really hunger for is someone actively seeking my presence because they think I'm an awesome person and want to spend time with me and think I'm an assett to their life in some way.
What do I have to do to attract people to have healthy dependable long lasting friendships with?
How does friendship work at all? What is it like to feel close to someone? What is it like to trust someone?
Where do you learn those kindes of things? Why didn't I learn that?
jasoncran
Member
I like you, you have made me laugh, I may disagree with your political views and also on evolution but you are likeable.
Chopper
Member
Hi Claudya, it's me, the old Chopper, Oh my goodness, my heart goes out to you. I have read most of your previous posts and liked them all. I had no idea that your heart and mind was hurting like it is. I have been in prayer, seeking wisdom from Jesus as how will He come to your healing aid. I'm going to tell you what He is communicating to me. If you knew me, you would know that I don't lie when I say I've been listening to Jesus it is happening. Jesus has,I believe, influenced my mind to tell you that what you are going through is demonic. For some reason, Satan has orchestrated years of suffering to keep you from something, I don't have that information. "You are in a battle with the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places". That is exactly what Jesus instructed me to say. I promise you that I'm not some crack-pot. Many people who I have been involved with, know I'm for real. I only say this because you don't know anything about me, I don't toot my own horn.
OK, what I need to know is, if Jesus were to enter your bedroom (I say bedroom because Jesus has heard your cry's there) What do you want Him to do for you? I feel foolish asking this because, I've already read your posts, and Jesus knows all about you. For, what seems to be a strange question to ask you, What do you want Jesus to do for you. Please give this a lot of thought. I believe with all my heart, that your Savior is going to save you from this terrible Satanic system of attack.
Listen, Jesus gave His life by a horrible form of death so that He could love you, that is no little thing, it's huge. Satan,so far has blinded you from realy, really knowing that. It is time for that to stop, and believe me, it will. The Lord Jesus, the Christ has heard your cries!..........I will be waiting for your reply though, take your time. I want you to know that I love you, and I have felt some of the compassion of the Lord toward you and it makes me cry.
Dear Sister Claudya, this breaks my heart just as if you were my child suffering this pain. You can be free and delivered from the oppression and attacks against you from powers on high. Of course we will continue in prayer, and there are steps you can take also. Guilt, real or perceived can destroy your sense of worth making you susceptible to everything Satan wants to have you believe.
I wrote the following thread "The Armor of God" and just posted it for this situation at this link
http://www.christianforums.net/Fellowship/index.php?threads/the-armor-of-god.51558/
The following is an excerpt from it to see if you think it would help.
Ephesians 6:18 Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints.
Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit. Oh the blessings we receive when we love our brethren as ourselves, and many times we can see our brother struggling and easily pray for them, but then forget to have that same integrity toward our own spiritual walk. Our faith weakens and we find ourselves in the far land feeding swine, and in want. Now we remain the son, and our Father never leaves or forsakes us, but we soon find ourselves in want. What to do about it? Run to our Father Who will run to meet us, put our ring back on our finger, the robe of righteousness, and slaughter the fatted calf to honor us. Faith? Hebrews 12:2. "Look unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God." We cannot do it, but God can. Philippians 1:6 "Being confident of this very thing, that He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ."
May God bless this to you in Jesus' name.