Not sure how to handle my bf's struggle with porn

[Wishingmylifeaway]

I'm hoping by writing all of this on here, and maybe even getting some advice or help or opinions in return, I'll start to feel normal in my relationship again.
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 6 months now, and were very good friends for 6 months before that. Both of us are taking it very seriously, and wouldn't be in a relationship if we didn't think it had the potential to lead to marriage; for that reason we're also very open about our lives.

Last night he admitted to me that he struggles with porn. He wanted to tell me, he didn't think it was fair that I didn't know. He told me that he has accountability set up with a group of people, that he wants to stop but finds it really difficult. I knew how hard it had been for him to tell me, it took a good half an hour of hugging in silence with him opening and shutting his mouth for him to actually say it, but now it's all I can think about.

A bit more background of our relationship would be useful at this point. I'm a new(ish) Christian. I grew up in a Christian family but left God and everything that went with him behind when I was around 14. It took until I was almost 21 to let myself be saved by him again, that was a year and a half ago now. My bf has been a Christian all of his adult(and teenage) life. Almost as soon as we met each other we became inseparable, but he had hang ups from an ex girlfriend that needed to be worked through. While friends, we didn't talk about the obvious attraction we had for each other, we just spent all our time together getting to know each other as people. I felt that I wanted to be my own self in God before committing to someone, and he felt that he should be sure he was ready to move on.
From getting together 6 months ago, our relationship has escalated dramatically. I knew he was important to me, that he was unlike any other guy I'd been interested in before, but I didn't realise just how quickly he'd become an integral part of my life.

I'd like to say now that there is a distinct lack in reading material on the do's and don'ts of Christian dating. I've trawled through the internet looking for any specific advice, such as what's okay to do intimacy wise (no info apart from 'don't have sex'). If you're engaged or married, there are entire websites dedicated to relieving your confusion; but if you're 'pre engagement' then you're pretty much in it alone.

So all of what I've said so far is pretty much giving you the outline, in order to possibly understand what I'm asking about, and what I'm struggling with. I've always felt like I'm the half of the couple with issues, I'm the one with skeletons in my closet and who's had to fight through many a difficult conversation, because I love him, and I want him to know who I really am. So when he sat me down and said he had something he needed to tell me, and that he wasn't sure how I'd feel about it, I was running through all sorts of scary things in my mind, but none of them seemed possible with him. He's such a good man of God, he's been a worship pastor at our church and is always the one to remind us to pray together or spend time with God together. The image of him sitting at his computer watching porn, and masturbating to it, just doesn't quite fit in my head. I've never (pre Christian) had any big problem with porn, and haven't thought about it much in the last year, so the way I felt when he told me surprised me. I felt hurt.
A non Christian guy choosing to watch it wouldn't bother me, but he knows that it's wrong and yet has such a big issue with it that he literally cannot resist. I've liked being able to think that if we do get married, I'll be his only sexual partner, his only sexual experience, it takes a massive expectations-based weight off me. But now I feel, and this is such a cliche, like I'll have to compete with 'porn-girls'; and only porn girls, because he has no experience of 'real girls' in that area.

I've chosen to be cool about it. I don't want him feeling judged, or feeling that he's hurt me, or feeling that he can't talk to me about it. I want to talk about it with him, and fight through some of the reasons behind why he finds it so difficult to resist, but I don't know what the right things to say are, or the right ways to bring it up. I'm just finding it so much more difficult than I expected, it's on my mind all the time. This is probably made worse by the fact that I have nobody I can talk about it with, because it wouldn't be fair on him if I told anyone else about it.

This hasn't changed how I feel about him, but it has made me panicky about the fact that he's a big believer in long engagements. The passion with which we already want each other isn't something I want to lose, but it's also not something I can handle on a daily basis for another 2+ years. I, in no way, want to rush making a commitment, but I do worry that 2 more years or so of us wanting to be together and not being able to, isn't going to help with the porn watching...

Has anyone got any advice or input or experience in this? I feel so alone with not being able to talk to anyone.
I have so much more I could say, and more I could ask, but this is already an essay.... Thank you so much for reading if you've managed to get through it all.

 

[Gordon]

I think you are underestimating how hard it can be to get rid of this habit when you don't have an outlet. I think the fact it bothers him so much and he had such a hard time telling you really point to the fact he's a good guy. In college my RA was a pastor's kid and I remember him saying he never looked at porn or did this. Me and my roommate were in disbelief. I am not trying to make excuses for him or myself but you seem to think this is an unusual weakness in this guy when the cause is having a sex drive. I'd just give him the emotional support he needs and pray about it. I'm not saying it's not a big deal but most guys in his situation wouldn't have brought it up so being faithful to you and the Lord is very important to him.

As far as competing with porn girls I think this is a false fear. Actually having sex and watching sex are two different things. If he's never had sex the last thing on his mind will be how good you are at it. I think the expectations thing on your part is a false fear as well. It sounds like he is very attracted to you. Guys don't try to get the older woman with experience they get a woman they are attracted to. I'm with you on the long engagement. That seems like a strain. Isn't the point of an engagement because you know you want to marry the person? I hope I helped you. I think this is something you and him can overcome together. I'll pray about it.

 

[handy]

I honestly think the two of you should start discussing marriage. You've known each other for over a year now, have dated for six months and are still together... nothing "rushed" about this.

What possible reason could there be for waiting a very, very unrealistic 2+ more years before marrying?

The bible is clear that marriage is the way to handle sexual tension... we all know the verse, "it's better to marry than to burn". And, your instinct is correct, if he continues another 2+ years without the godly answer to his sexual frustration, he will continue to struggle with the porn.

He'll most likely continue to struggle with the porn even after marriage, this will have to be something that the two of you will need to deal with, honestly and lovingly.

If he insists on the long engagement, I think you might be wise to consider moving on. I do realize how much the sound of that might be painful, but he's putting some pretty unrealistic expectations on you...and we already know that he doesn't handle his own sexuality all that well. This very well might put too much pressure on you and you can wind up in sexual sin as well.

Unless he's in prison and cannot marry, I can't fathom a reason to wait so long for marriage. All that long wait is going to do is either put both of you in temptation's way... or kill your relationship.

As far as the "do's and don'ts" of Christian dating... do be marriage minded. By that I mean, look at this relationship as either winding up in marriage or breaking up. Discuss finances, child-rearing, country vs. city living, etc. etc. Do seek to learn what is important to him and sharing with him what's important to you. Do learn how to help him, after all you will be his helpmeet. Do learn if he expects a stay at home wife or a working wife and how will children be raised if you are working... lot's of things to get to know about one another.

As for don'ts... don't put on rose colored glasses, recognize the red flags and deal with them (as you are dealing with the porn issue and hopefully the unrealistic long engagement). Don't kid yourself, if you cannot handle a long engagement and he doesn't budge on this, you'll need to move on. Don't seek to "change" him... if there are things about him that you can't live with forever, (including the porn) then don't marry him. Either accept his imperfections and his sins (and the porn isn't the only way in which he sins) and give those things about him over to the Lord, or move on.

Oh, and don't take of any clothing when you're together. The answer to the question "How far is too far?" is "removing clothing is too far".

I admire your commitment to not judge him and your willingness to keep the lines of communication open. This kind of communication is vital to a healthy relationship... but don't let it be with just the porn issue... Communicate your own needs as well...including that part of the reason why he needs to strive for victory over the porn issue is because it does indeed hurt you.

I hope this is helpful to you.

 

[farouk]

Two choices, I guess.

Marry him pronto. (I don't usually encourage people to marry in haste, though. 'Marry in haste; repent at leisure'.)

Or don't see him any more.

You'll have to figure prayerfully if he will really be the spiritual encouragement and source of guidance that you dearly want him to be. Be realistic. Concentrate on your own relationship with the Lord, prayerfully, in the light of the Scriptures.

(Sorry I can't pick up all the subtleties and nuances of your relationship; but the choice thing seems kind of clear.)

Blessings.

 

[Classik]

I honestly think the two of you should start discussing marriage. You've known each other for over a year now, have dated for six months and are still together... nothing "rushed" about this. What possible reason could there be for waiting a very, very unrealistic 2+ more years before marrying? The bible is clear that marriage is the way to handle sexual tension... we all know the verse, "it's better to marry than to burn". And, your instinct is correct, if he continues another 2+ years without the godly answer to his sexual frustration, he will continue to struggle with the porn. He'll most likely continue to struggle with the porn even after marriage, this will have to be something that the two of you will need to deal with, honestly and lovingly. If he insists on the long engagement, I think you might be wise to consider moving on. I do realize how much the sound of that might be painful, but he's putting some pretty unrealistic expectations on you...and we already know that he doesn't handle his own sexuality all that well. This very well might put too much pressure on you and you can wind up in sexual sin as well. Unless he's in prison and cannot marry, I can't fathom a reason to wait so long for marriage. All that long wait is going to do is either put both of you in temptation's way... or kill your relationship. As far as the "do's and don'ts" of Christian dating... do be marriage minded. By that I mean, look at this relationship as either winding up in marriage or breaking up. Discuss finances, child-rearing, country vs. city living, etc. etc. Do seek to learn what is important to him and sharing with him what's important to you. Do learn how to help him, after all you will be his helpmeet. Do learn if he expects a stay at home wife or a working wife and how will children be raised if you are working... lot's of things to get to know about one another. As for don'ts... don't put on rose colored glasses, recognize the red flags and deal with them (as you are dealing with the porn issue and hopefully the unrealistic long engagement). Don't kid yourself, if you cannot handle a long engagement and he doesn't budge on this, you'll need to move on. Don't seek to "change" him... if there are things about him that you can't live with forever, (including the porn) then don't marry him. Either accept his imperfections and his sins (and the porn isn't the only way in which he sins) and give those things about him over to the Lord, or move on. Oh, and don't take of any clothing when you're together. The answer to the question "How far is too far?" is "removing clothing is too far". I admire your commitment to not judge him and your willingness to keep the lines of communication open. This kind of communication is vital to a healthy relationship... but don't let it be with just the porn issue... Communicate your own needs as well...including that part of the reason why he needs to strive for victory over the porn issue is because it does indeed hurt you. I hope this is helpful to you.

Great post, Dora. I wonder where all the wisdom comes from. That's brilliant.

 

[Gordon]

Geez you guys are hard on this guy. He's a virgin worship pastor who tearfully admitted he looks at porn and goes to a support group for it. With the tremendous amount of sexual immorality out there guys girls casual sex is the norm do we have to be perfect to not be a red flag? Is this woman leaving God for 7 years a red flag? Maybe he just never wants to get a divorce like most people. Like most people have at some point looked at porn. I think that's too long to be engaged but I don't know the first thought should be to dump this guy?

He told her to be honest and get support and now he might get an ultimatum for it? Yikes.

 

[handy]

Gordon,

Red flags are different for different people. As I said to her in my previous post, she needs to accept him as is or move on. If she can't live with a guy who is deep into porn, then she shouldn't marry him. If this is something that she can give over to the Lord and not worry about then OK...

But, I think your looking at porn from the guy's point of view. We women have a different perspective and it's not that easy to write off porn as a "false fear". Porn can have a very negative impact on marriages and porn addiction can be just as destructive to a marriage as any other kind of addiction.

Some women aren't bothered by it, some maybe a little, some a lot. If Wishing is really bothered by her guy getting off while looking at porn or if she views it as a form of adultery (and Who was it that said that looking at a woman with lust is adultery) then she's that bothered by it and yes, it is a red flag.

Paying attention to red flags doesn't necessarily mean that one has to move on... it just means there is an issue that must be dealt with. He's bothered by his looking at porn, but so far seems to be too weak to overcome it. She's bothered by it as well. It's a legitimate red flag. It is something they need to deal with and unless they can come to a place where he either gives it up once and for all or she is OK with the man who promises to forsake all others for her still getting off looking lustfully at other (perfectly airbrushed and always willing) women, then this will be a serious problem in their marriage. One that is quite possibly a deal breaker. But, also quite possibly not. They will need to communicate more with each other and be honest, both with each other and with themselves as to whether or not the porn will be a deal breaker.

Actually for me, and this is just me personally, the long engagement would be a much more serious red flag than the porn. There is no way I could ever have maintained a loving, marriage minded, yet physically pure relationship with a fiance for that long.

 

[Gordon]

Handy,
I was giving her the guys view because she should know what this means to the guy. I know it's very hurtful. I also don't know if this idea that he can't overcome this or likely won't is accurate. He is a God fearing man who is deeply troubled by this. He will also be having sex with her once they are married. She said it would be understandable if he wasn't Christian. She is bothered by a perceived lack of integrity. So pressuring this guy into marriage out of fear of losing her or because it's what's best for him isn't going to help his integrity in the relationship. If my wife was unable or unwilling to grow with me spiritually I don't see the point of marrying her. Not just for a sexual outlet. This guy also seems to be on some kind of pedestal. She has shared her skeletons in the closet but it's not ok for him cause he's Godly and has always been Christian? Honestly to me the whole admitting the truth in tears looks more like a green flag than the red flag of his problem. It takes character to come clean and get help which is as much a strength as the weakness. He is also not having sex with her so prolonging the engagement is not cast in as much doubt. He's not getting the milk without buying the cow. I get that she has sexual frustration as well. I am sure the correct view is somewhere inbetween a guys and a womans point of view. I just don't like the it doesn't pay to be good if you can't be perfect theme here. Can we cut him some slack while strongly suggesting a quicker route to marriage?