[__ Prayer __] not yet employable, spiritual warfare

[Christ_empowered]

I know, I kinda take over these forums. LOL. Thanks for your patience+prayers.

Worked with dad today. Did OK, thank goodness. Made an excuse to exit...he had suggested I do stuff in another part of the yard, but...that part was close to the neighbors, and a) they forever taunt me and b) I hear voices anyway. I didn't want to talk psych stuff with him (I take the 'atypical', that's not the issue), so I just decided to jet. He took it well, but...

I'm genuinely, truly disabled...for right now. I guess if this was a more "progressive" area, there might be some kind of sheltered employment available, but...nah, not around here. Plus, not to sound too antipsychiatry, but...even if the clinic offered sheltered employment, I'm not sure I"d do it. There's a lot of bullies in mental health. "Give an inch, they'll take a mile," that sort of thing.

Other thing...

even though I'm not yet employable/able to maintain competitive employment, The Lord -has- moved and I believe -is- moving, mightily, in my life. Apparently, years ago, while I was all sorts of out of it (too much electroshock, obvious brain damage, I may have been incapacitated), dudes did sexual stuff to me and took and distributed stuff...I think photos and/or a video. True story. Now, people are using that incident to blame me more my mental problems, as in "he consented! now he has SCHIZOPHRENIA!," and its...horrible, sometimes. I'm not talking just about how I feel, I mean...the sheer cruelty and hatefulness and mean-spirited bullying...just on principle, its decidedly NOT ok.

Like a lot of Christians, I can kind of relate to Job. Before I got genuinely saved, I had a horrible existence. not even a life, just an existence. Now, I"ve been saved 5 1/2 years and The Lord has blessed me mightily, but I -still- get blamed for stuff. "They hit him cuz he hit a girl." I've even been accussed (falsely...) of raping a former female friend. Keep in mind; I'm gay, and back then, I was flaming. Younger women love having flamer best friends, till we hit about 25 or so. Anyway...

that's what's going on in my corner of the world. I think I"m handling it well, by God's grace. Left to my own devices, I'd be freaking out non-stop.

OK. Thanks.

 

[evenifigoalone]

Hang in there CE.
If you want, I can PM you a link to a forum for survivors of sexual abuse, but I'm not sure if you'd be interested or not. It's a good place to go to process things, kind of like an online peer group.

 

[Christ_empowered]

i would, i think. because of the shock 'treatments,' i dont remember much. maybe thats a blessing in disguise? i didn't mean to get all graphic and such, its just...wow. im -definitely- not a member of this community, and because I $#*$*#% my shrinks off, etc., stuff like this is happening. ugh.

anyway...OK, yes; the link would be nice. thanks.

 

[evenifigoalone]

PM sent

 

[Christ_empowered]

on the plus side...my parents invited me over for a special lunch tomorrow. by "special," I mean...special to me, not so much because of the meal, but because...God is bringing me closer to my parents, and also making me into more of a bona fide adult. imagine that...

 

[Luminous_Rose]

There's a lot of bullies in mental health. "Give an inch, they'll take a mile," that sort of thing.

This kinda made my day because it sounds accurate. I have known people in behavioral health doing case management and/or therapy. They were usually stressed, overworked, and often didn't sleep well. Many were trauma victims themselves, but they are super limited in how they can help people even though they went in the career with the mindset to help. They can't just go out and buy a hungry client food or groceries without possibly violating protocols or losing their job. Doesn't help either side.

 

[Edward]

Start up a little business for yourself Brother. I found it to be true, what my dad said to me years ago...Even a bad business is better than a good job.

...and if you think about it, of course you are not part of the community. You are not of the world anymore, just in it...
Scripture tells you that would happen.

 

[Razeontherock]

Forgiveness! It's a major key to your healing now, CE. It's extraordinarily powerful stuff, and a means of Grace into your life every second you employ it.

 

[evenifigoalone]

This kinda made my day because it sounds accurate. I have known people in behavioral health doing case management and/or therapy. They were usually stressed, overworked, and often didn't sleep well. Many were trauma victims themselves, but they are super limited in how they can help people even though they went in the career with the mindset to help. They can't just go out and buy a hungry client food or groceries without possibly violating protocols or losing their job. Doesn't help either side.

I have noticed that a lot of the people at the clinic I go to do seem to have some kind of issue themselves. My peer group has peer leaders, and they also deal with mental stuff. That's the point of them being "peer", they're better able to relate to you and you to them.

 

[Christ_empowered]

forgiveness -is- key. im praying to get there. its a process, i suppose.

 

[Razeontherock]

forgiveness -is- key. im praying to get there. its a process, i suppose.

I'm a big fan of Divine revelation! As in
Eph 1:17 (read almost that whole chapter as a personal prayer!)

And onto another of those 3:16's, Ephesians 3:16. Again, a personal prayer, right through to the end of the chapter. God can show you how this process works, empower you to do it, give you wings like an eagle, etc etc

 

[Christ_empowered]

thanks.

at this point, I think a lot of it is...moving forward, putting aside what is behind...and God's made it a lot easier for me, by blessing my parents and me, too.

I'm no longer homely. Seems vain to talk about, but...seriously; being a pretty dude pays off, LOL. Funny how something as simple as your face can make or break a whole life....

but of course "God's work in this world is always met with opposition." I guess its not exactly common for ugly, sick flamers to become dude-pretty, healthy men, so...there's that, LOL. Oh, and the untreated HIV/AIDS that's somehow given way to good health. That's awesome, too.

I just mention these things...mostly for me, really. Because God really has made it easier for me to walk with The Lord, to be in society, to have a somewhat normal(ish) life, etc. People die of ODs, AIDS, cancer, etc. every.single.day. Even the death rate for electroshock may be under-estimated, it seems. So...the good Lord has seen fit to spare me a whole, whole lot, and I'm thankful. I mean...it kind of raises the question: why?!?! Not that I shouldn't be spared...why not anyone, really? But...

just today, somebody was yelling stuff outside my apartment. that's the nature of my situation...far better than it was, still stressful at times. I'm beginning to think I never really was a member of this community. Working class a a kid, then "rinky dink middle class," homely and...yeah. Prison, maybe a state hospital, by age 25. Boom. Next!

At 25 I actually ended up in a Pentecostal program. I got saved 5 1/2 years ago, age 28. God is good!


I just don't see a j-o-b in my future. The way things are going...it looks like people who always "played by the rules" and such are having a hard time. Me? I didn't know what the rules were, LOL...and I was fully expected to be dead over 10 years ago. blah. I'm blessed, that's not the issue, its just...

well, not everyone works. with "Schizophrenia" or whatever on board....not working becomes more likely. Even when the voices are gone and the paranoia is minimal and the depression has lifted....there's stigma. in more urban areas, I guess one could work and the stigma wouldn't be an issue. here...wow. i kinda doubt it, lol. and yet...maybe a small, part time job? maybe?

God is good! people...well, there -are- good people out there, there really are. I see that now. Not everyone is against me or anyone else. Its just...the people who are against me are more vocal, which I suppose is to be expected.

 

[lisa-in-FL]

God is good! and volunteering isn't a j-o-b! ;)

Praying for you brother!

 

[Christ_empowered]

thanks. its dawned on me...there's rough people wherever you go. i was considered "riff raff" in college, now I'm labeled as a "mental patient," etc. its...the nature of my situation, in my corner of the fallen world, etc. and yet...

God is good! despite all my sins and misdeeds, I'm: healthy, alive at all, smart, bright eyed, and largely reconciled to my loving, kind, long suffering parents. miracles I tell you, miracles!

i don't know where to go to church. maybe that's one reason i called the local parish about rcia classes? i mean...catholic charities are out there, doing great things. so are protestants, but....the rcc has a loooong history of doing great things, even when...you know...some individual members do some horrible things. maybe that's true of many churches, and the rcc just gets super-scrutinized? i dunno...

i don't know. ill keep praying and looking to God directly for guidance. I do -need- to be in a good church, but it also has to be a church in which I won't be despised and/or barely tolerated (with a touch of contemptuous pity on top). the rcc has been a lot better about not just helping the poor, but seeing the poor as people, too. sometimes, -some- protestants...i get the impression they're ok with the 'deserving' poor, they're ok with the people they know personally on disability...

but they don't care for 'undeserving' poor people, 'those' people, etc. bleh. not that i can complain, personally. im beginning to think that i live in a soft, comfortable sort of poverty...i have enough $$$ for good food, the rent is paid, i even get to see my now "well-to-do" parents on a regular basis, despite who i was and the things i did in years past. so...

my poverty never was as extreme as real poverty, and it may not even qualify as genuine, bona fide poverty in some peoples' eyes. for a chronically unemployed 'mental patient,' i live awfully well, all things considered.

ok. ive kinda rambled, as usual. thanks for reading all this, i mean that. a big part of the shrinks' 'mission' in my case was to shut me up, make me easier to manage....and also to make lots of $$$ (good insurance). no longer...1st, i now have disability, so the good insurance is not there for them to bilk (I'm thankful for disability, but they won't rake in the big $$$ off of it). 2nd, now that The Lord has moved in my life...

I hope+pray they'll never shut me up again. thanks.

 

[Christ_empowered]

me, again. saturday's rollin' round again....and I'm going over to my parents' house! I don't know if I'll be doing much of anything, but they're kind to me and its always good to see them.

on a -very- positive note, i called mama, just to check in and chat her up, see about saturday...and she said "love you" when we were doing the end of conversation niceties. i know, it may not seem like much, but...its -huge- to me. not that i want to get deep down emotional every time i talk to my parents, but...an 'i love you' now and then is a good thing, trust me.

oh, and...the 86+/- year old semi-neighbor lady (she actually lives next to the apt. next to me, lol) waved and remembered my name. i got dog treats for another neighbor's little puppy, which he apparently enjoyed, thoroughly. life goes on. and...as always...God is good!

 

[lisa-in-FL]

That's great news CE! I'm glad to hear your relationship with your parents is still going strong and sounds like you are branching out in the neighborhood too. And hearing "i love you" isn't a small thing or too emotional either. Don't forget to say it back!

 

[Tessa]

'I love you' is a definite morale booster. My daughter and I say it pretty often. Important stuff!