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Ole gets sick

Lincoln, Ne.
Ole hadn't been feeling very well, and Lena finally talked him into going to the doctor.
After a thorough examination, the doctor told Ole "Ole, I don't know how to tell you this, but you're very sick. In fact, I'm afraid it's terminal. There's nothing we can do. You have about a month left to live."
Ole was very quiet for a minute, then turned to Lena and said "Lena, I want you to promise me that after I'm gone, you'll marry Lars Larsen."
"Lars Larsen? Ole, you've hated him all your life!"
Ole replied "Yep. Still do."

Ole went home to spend his last days with Lena. About three weeks later, he knew the end was drawing near. He awoke one afternoon to be greeted by the warm delicious smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. Withe all the strength he could muster, he got out of bed and made his way to the kitchen. There on the table was a plate full of his favorite treat. He poured himself a glass of milk and sat down at the table.
"Lena really does love me after all. She knows how much I love chocolate chip cookies, and she made some just for me. What a wonderful woman she is!"
He had just started on his second cookie when Lena came into the kitchen.
"Ole! What are you doing? You should be in bed, not out here eating those cookies! Those are for the funeral!"

Ole passed away, and Lena went down to the newspaper office to have the death notice printed in the paper.
"Lena, what would you like it to say?" the clerk asked.
"Just print 'Ole died.' "
"That's all you want printed?"
"Yep. That's it."
"Well, Lena, the first five words are free" explained the clerk.
"They are?" asked Lena.
"Yes, they are. The first five words are free."
Lena thought for a minute. "OK, then, print this: 'Ole died. Boat for sale.' "

Ole went up to heaven, where he found St. Peter standing behind his golden podium, the closed pearly gates behind him.
"Excuse me, sir, but I'd like to go in. Could you open the gate for me?"
Saint Peter said "Well, Ole. It's getting pretty crowded in there, so God has instituted an admissions test. You have to answer three questions correctly in order to get in."
"OK" said Ole. "What are the questions?"
Saint Peter said "Question #1 is: How which days of the week start with 'T' ?
Question #2 is: How many seconds are there in a year?
Question #3 is: What is God's real name?
You don't have to answer right away. You have 24 hours to think them over."
Ole wandered over to a nearby cloud, where he sat down to ponder the questions. 24 hours later he approached the gate.
Saint Peter asked "Ole, are you ready with your answers?"
"Yep. I got all the answers."
"OK, let's begin" said Saint Peter. "Question #1: How which days of the week start with 'T' ?"
"Oh, that was an easy one. The answer is Today and Tomorrow."
Saint Peter looked a bit perplexed, then said "Well, Ole, I guess I wasn't real clear with the question, so I'll give you credit for that one. But you have to get the next two right. Question #2: How many seconds are there in a year?"
Ole said "Well, this one took a bit more thinking, but I finally realized the answer is 12."
Saint Peter asked incredulously "12? Ole, how can there only be 12 seconds in a year?"
Ole replied "Well, there's January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd......."
"OK, Ole, I see where you're going with this." said Saint Peter. "I guess I wasn't real clear with that question, either, so I'll give you credit for that one, too. But you absolutely have to get the last one right! Question #3: What is God's real name?"
Ole said "You know, this one was the hardest one them all. I thought and thought and thought. Just when I was about to give up in despair, the answer came to me: God's real name is: Andy."
Saint Peter looked absolutely bewildered as he asked "Andy??!! OK, Ole, let's here how you came up with that one!"
"Well, as I said, I just couldn't come up with it, and finally I remembered that old hymn I used to sing in church as a little boy: Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own!"
Saint Peter chuckled, smiled, and reached down and pushed the golden button. The pearly gates swung wide open and angels began singing.
Saint Peter said "Run, Ole! Run just as fast as you can!"