Opinions about my marriage question

[Drummer]

Hi there guys/gals

I have a situation with which I am faced and I'm looking for other Christian opinions. I met a girl at my church. Her and I have both been in the church for a few years. Anyway long story short, we got to know each other and have been dating for just over a year now. Here is where I need your opinion. She is not from the same country I am from, hence she needs a visa to stay her. We have been getting counsel from the leaders of our church as we are preparing for marriage.

Her visa expires in the beginning of next year, but we have planned our wedding in such a way that the wedding date will be after her visa expires. So we have two options:

1. Extend her current visa (which does not allow her to work in the country) and then later apply for a Spousal visa which will let her work. The whole process will probably take a total of 8-10 months and cost quite a lot of money

OR

2. Sign the wedding papers early and start the visa application process sooner, so that it doesnt take long before she can start working. It will also be cheaper cause then she wont need to extend her visa, she can just apply straight from the spousal visa because we will be marriage.

NOW, I fully understand that we wont be married in God's as we would not have had proper wedding ceremony, surrounded by friends and family, and we will still stick to our boundaries, and not live together until our "actual" wedding date. We just considering this so that she can stay in the country legally and can work legally.

So the question is, do you think its wrong, or a bad thing to sign the marriage papers early and then a few months later have the actual ceremony?

Any opinion are welcome!
Thanks

 

[Claudya]

Option 2 could get you into legal trouble if your country's immigration law is as inhumane as my country's. It would in my country. Because signing marriage papers without actually living together afterwards will look like a fake marriage in order to deceive the immigration authorities. A number of illegal immigrants have done that in the past in order to gain a permanent legal status. So if a natural citizen and an immigrant get married and apply for a spousal visa but don't live in the same place the authorities get suspicious.

Anyway, in my church's understanding you are legally married before God and humans when you sign the legal papers, no matter if you have the church ceremony on the same day or a week later or year later or none at all. You made your statement of commitment to each other by signing those papers. God doesn't care much for the ceremony, He cares for your commitment.
So in my opinion you should start the civil marriage by signing the legal documents as soon as neccessary for her visa. And then you should consider yourself married and start a life as a married couple in God, and later enjoy the church ceremony as you had planned.

 

[reba]

So in my opinion you should start the civil marriage by signing the legal documents as soon as neccessary for her visa. And then you should consider yourself married and start a life as a married couple in God, and later enjoy the church ceremony as you had planned.

Agreed Obey the laws of where you are. It is not the "wedding party" that makes a couple married.... Get married after the counseling .... have the be celebration later....

still stick to our boundaries, and not live together until our "actual" wedding date.

The temptation you would/could face could be over whelming then you may end up feeling guilty not a good way to start...

 

[By Grace]

Hi there guys/gals

I have a situation with which I am faced and I'm looking for other Christian opinions. I met a girl at my church. Her and I have both been in the church for a few years. Anyway long story short, we got to know each other and have been dating for just over a year now. Here is where I need your opinion. She is not from the same country I am from, hence she needs a visa to stay her. We have been getting counsel from the leaders of our church as we are preparing for marriage.

Her visa expires in the beginning of next year, but we have planned our wedding in such a way that the wedding date will be after her visa expires. So we have two options:

Where is your priority, Drummer? Is it

1) to marry the woman
2) to honor God
3) to get around of the immigration laws?
​

Each has different consequences, and all three are incompatible.

What things can be changed with the least hassle and least issue with authorities? (BTW in some countries, like the USA, any falsification done regarding the immigration laws is grounds for deportation of the guilty party regardless of marital status.)

The easiest thing to do is to change the date of your wedding to immediately, and have the celebration later. Marriage is hard work, and you do not want anything such as legal problems hanging over your heads like the sword of Damocles.

1. Extend her current visa (which does not allow her to work in the country) and then later apply for a Spousal visa which will let her work. The whole process will probably take a total of 8-10 months and cost quite a lot of money

Money should be the least of your problems. If you seek to do what is right, it is almost certain that you will never be wrong.

OR

2. Sign the wedding papers early and start the visa application process sooner, so that it doesnt take long before she can start working. It will also be cheaper cause then she wont need to extend her visa, she can just apply straight from the spousal visa because we will be marriage.

There are several terms for this sort of thing. They are: "fraud", "illegal", "jail time" and "deportation". I an assure you that the strain of the risk of any of these things happening will guarantee you a divorce within 5 years.

If you seek to do what is right, it is almost certain that you will never be wrong.

NOW, I fully understand that we wont be married in God's as we would not have had proper wedding ceremony, surrounded by friends and family, and we will still stick to our boundaries, and not live together until our "actual" wedding date. We just considering this so that she can stay in the country legally and can work legally.

So you will be "living together on paper" but not in reality?

You may want to get the movie Green Card from Hulu, Netflix, Red Box or somewhere else, and both watch it. Here is a synopsis from Wikipedia:

Green Card is a 1990 romantic comedy film written, produced, directed by Peter Weir and starring Gérard Depardieu and Andie MacDowell. The screenplay focuses on an American woman who enters into a marriage of convenience with a Frenchman so he can obtain a green card and remain in the United States....

Brontë Parrish (MacDowell), a horticulturalist and an environmentalist, enters into a sham marriage with Georges Fauré (Depardieu), an illegal alien from France, so he may obtain a green card. In turn, Brontë uses her fake marriage credentials to rent the apartment of her dreams. After moving in, to explain her spouse's absence, she tells the doorman and neighbors he is conducting musical research in Africa.

<SNIP>

A few days later, Georges invites Brontë to join him at the cafe where they first met. When she notices one of the immigration agents is seated nearby, she realizes Georges is being deported, and finally aware she loves him, tries to stop him from leaving. So Georges promises to write every day asking the same question "When are you coming Cherie?". Then, Georges is deported back to France, just as they have admitted their love for each other.​

So the question is, do you think its wrong, or a bad thing to sign the marriage papers early and then a few months later have the actual ceremony? Any opinion are welcome! Thanks

[/QUOTE]
Now you have my opinion, and more important, you have the reasons why I say as I do say. The underlying reason for that position is Scriptural, and that comes from the first part of

John 3:15, "For God so loved the world that He GAVE..."
​

If you love, you give the best.

Here is the synopsis of the classical short story, "The Gift of the Magi", again from Wikipedia:

O. Henry (a pen name for William Sydney Porter), about a young married couple and how they deal with the challenge of buying secret Christmas gifts for each other with very little money.

Mr. James Dillingham Young ("Jim") and his wife, Della, are a couple living in a modest flat. They each have only one possession in which they take pride: Della's beautiful long, flowing hair, almost to her knees and Jim's shiny gold watch, which had belonged to his father and grandfather.​

As the husband, you take the vow before God to "love, honor and protect your wife, in sickness, etc" so I ask you to start that process now, and begin your marriage with the least amount of stress as possible. You see, celebrations are for other people, the rite of the wedding is for yourselves. Whenever you fail to keep that distinction of both events separate, you wind up confusing the celebration as being of equal importance with the rite for yourselves.

During WW 2 and when many men got drafted during Viet Nam, there were many "war brides". These women quickly married before their husband went off to war, and they knew that they were going to be drafted.

While your situation is similar in some ways to all three illusions I made here, the decision is ultimately yours, as is the consequences. Ultimately, your in-laws or others will understand the reasons for your decisions, and it is not up them to dictate to you as an almost-married couple are to do. You both have to do the best for each other, and do it in a way that honors God, your wife, and poses the least legal risk.

It is possible to get married by the pastor with a few witnesses now, and then have the celebration later. That way, you both will be free from the hassle of the reception being "perfect" and that celebration will be sane instead of being frenzied.

You could choose the day your wife becomes a citizen, or the day she gets her green card as a day for toyr post-wedding reception. You are free to do that because there is no written rule that you can call off the big event in order to have a small event, which will eliminate many MAJOR PROBLEMS, but of course will add some minor hassles. You are both sufficiently adults because you are making plans to live as adults. So if the day is pushed up because you as a couple believe that IT IS BEST FOR YOU AND YOUR FUTURE MARRIAGE, so what? What business is that of others?

Your best answer to those who oppose you in changing your plans is, "I/we are sorry that the change of plans upset you, but we had to make the decision that would first honor God, and second not put an unnecessary strain on our first years of marriage, end of story".

Hope that helps!

PS
Please let us all know what you both decide, OK?

 

[Drummer]

Hi all,

Thank you so much for your guidance and counsel. I really do appreciate it. I honestly didn't even think about the whole "signing papers but not living together" side of thing. I know in Romans 13:1-2 it talks about obeying the laws of the land and if you don't obey them, then you are not obeying God. I really want to honor God with all the decisions I make going into this marriage. We are going to see an Immigration Consultant to get more information regarding paper work etc.

My priority is first and foremost to honor God. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl, but I need to make sure I honor God with the decisions I make in that process. I'm glad I posted here to get other Christian opinions cause now I can see there are a few things we as a couple need to talk about and consider, as well as pray about. Especially when it comes to the legal matters.

Thank you so much for the replies. I will definitely let you guys know what happens.

 

[reba]

Thank you Drummer .... Dont forget the wedding photo... how ever you decide to do a wedding from in the pastors office ( my parents did that and stayed married) to fancy get a photo....

 

[By Grace]

Hi all,

Thank you so much for your guidance and counsel. I really do appreciate it.
Thank you so much for the replies. I will definitely let you guys know what happens.

Philippians 2:8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

17b I desire fruit that may abound to your account.

19 But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.
20 Now unto God and our Father be glory for ever and ever
​

If these verses fit you, praise God for causing Holy Spirit to call them to my memory. I believe that you are on the right path. Perhaps you may take some of the things that were said, and print them out to share with your future spouse. I like to do that because no one can argue with a piece of paper. But the key thing in sharing that piece of paper is for you both to decide what is best for you as a couple.

One way that you could use that paper is, after you give her time to read the posts is to hand her a pen and have her draw smiley faces on what she likes while you do likewise. Then compare and discuss. Leave time to make a final decision, say 24 hours. By then you will both be able to start in one direction, the direction that YOU BOTH deem best for yourselves. that will present a united front. Then you can say to meddling "out-laws" something like this, "Suzie Q and I have thought about many possibilities, and prayed about a God-honoring decision. Given the situation, and the obstacles, WE thank you for your concern but as an adult couple, WE deem this the best course. Please understand that WE will not alter our decision in any major way, and we welcome your participation celebrating our nuptials..."

When explaining to the parents, etc I urge you strongly to use the plural pronouns "WE", "OUR"and "US" as often as possible. You are cementing in their mind the unity you both have in spirit and in mind. So when one parental couple may try to inject themselves into your marriage plans, and perhaps into your marriage-- it is hard to let the children be adults, even if they are married, you will both have an answer to give, and then you will discuss something significant together.

What I did (unintentionally) was to elaborate on what Reba posted, so she gets the credit if you like what I posted.

 

[Drummer]

I cannot tell you how grateful I am that I posted here regarding this matter.

I pray that the Lord Jesus Christ will truly bless all of you, as you have just blessed me with all your input into my life.

I will keep you updated!

 

[Classik]

I love those replies, too. Congrats!

 

[By Grace]

I cannot tell you how grateful I am that I posted here regarding this matter.
I pray that the Lord Jesus Christ will truly bless all of you, as you have just blessed me with all your input into my life.
I will keep you updated!

Where are you and your sweetie on this issue, now?