[ Testimony ] Out of the Valley of Tears

[darrell]

Hi. I introduced myself to this forum earlier today, and I’d like to share my testimony with you. I came to faith by a very hard road. I wondered and wandered. In my youth, I made an uneasy sort of proposal to a God I wasn’t sure even existed. Then, almost ten years ago, a great personal tragedy set me on a journey to find the truth. I’ve written a book about it all, and I’d like to share it here. I’ll post it a chapter at a time. Feel free to question or comment.

Chapter One
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One Sunday morning in 1987, I was riding my bike with Otto, a cycling coach who I hoped would help me to achieve my athletic dreams. At one point as we rode along, Otto turned to me and said, “You should be in church.” I remember very distinctly reaching down and touching the frame of my bicycle and saying, “This is my church.” Otto smiled as we rolled down the road inches apart. He reached over and patted me on the back, and in his thick Czechoslovakian accent he said, “We are the same.”
Now, almost twenty years later, I sit here trying to understand how I ever reached the point where I could make such a declaration.

Part of who we are, part of our personality, we get from our parents – it’s inherited. The rest of who we are, what we believe and what we stand for which in turn determines how we live our lives, we get from the world. The home we grew up in, what our parents taught us, what we were taught in school, the books we read, the music we listened to, the movies we watched, our friends and our role models all contributed to making us what we are. We are a product of the world we live in.This is a very important idea – that the messages we receive in life all contribute to creating our individual view of the world. When I was a student at <ST1<?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

Arizona</st1laceName> <st1laceType w:st="on">State</st1laceType> <st1laceType w:st="on">University</st1laceType></ST1, I took a class in sociology to fulfill my degree requirements. I’ve since discarded much of what was taught in that class, but there was one nugget that I kept: the professor was fond of saying, “Reality is one thing, but perception is everything.” (1)

 

[farouk]

Hi, how are you doing???

God bless your reading of His Word!

 

[darrell]

Reality is one thing, but perception is everything.What the professor was saying was that it doesn’t matter what reality is, it’s what we perceive to be reality that forms our world view.
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Suppose we pick a rock up off the ground. It is real; we can see it. This particular rock is gray, about the size of a grapefruit. Its shape is more or less round, without any sharp or jagged edges. If we run our fingers over the surface of the rock, we feel it is dry and coarse. It has substance, and if we heft the rock in our hands, we can feel its heaviness and solidness. It is a rock. It doesn’t think or know or feel anything; it’s just a piece of earth. It is a rock.
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Now suppose we place our rock on a pedestal where everyone can see it, and if we place a large pane of glass in front of our rock, everyone can still see it because the glass is clear. As time goes on, dust and dirt from all the busy-ness going on around us settles on the glass. We can still see the rock, but it isn’t as clear as it used to be.
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Now suppose someone comes along with a can of paint and starts writing messages on the glass, and these messages are full of ideas that create doubts: “Rocks are not important.†“If you can’t see it, how can you know it’s really there?†Suppose others come along and start writing deceptions and lies: “There are no such things as rocks.†“Rocks are just something made up by weak and ignorant people to explain things they don’t understand.â€
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Eventually, the glass is covered with dirt and conflicting messages, and deceptions and lies, and it is stained with blood and tears. No one can see the rock any longer. Perhaps you begin to question if the rock is still there or if the rock ever really existed at all? Maybe you never actually saw the rock yourself, and maybe you just heard about the rock from someone else. How can you believe then? How can anyone ever really know the truth?
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The truth of the matter is that the rock is there. It doesn’t matter if you can see it. It doesn’t matter whether or not you even know what a rock is. It doesn’t matter if you’ve ever even heard of it. None of these things change the fact that the rock exists. That’s the nature of reality. Truth is truth, and it doesn’t matter whether you know it or understand it or believe it. Or deny it.

 

[darrell]

Around 2000 years ago, Jesus of Nazareth stood before Pontius Pilate, and Pilate asked, “What is truth?†(2) I think that’s the second most important question ever asked…
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The most important question is, “How do we respond to grace?†Remember, so far we’ve stated that it is what we inherit from our parents along with our life experiences that make us what we are. Well, there are two more things that contribute to making us what we are. The first is our own free will: what we choose to believe and what we choose not to believe, and the free will choices we make every day of our lives. I believe the final and most important component in making each of us who we are as individuals is the grace of God. How do we respond to God’s grace? Do we choose to respond to God’s grace? Do we choose to cooperate with God’s grace? Or do we go our own way?
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What is grace? Grace is a supernatural gift from God. Grace is that which enables any one of us to go around or climb over that pane of glass covered with the dirt and lies of the world that obscures our vision of the Truth, and to walk over and pick up that rock, to heft it and feel its substance, to take that rock and chuck it just as hard as we can and shatter that pane of glass! And then, when we look down amid the broken shards of all those deceptions and lies, we see our rock. It’s there, intact and real. No matter how much anyone tries to obscure it or deny it, in the end, it’s still there. Truth is truth.
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This world we live in, it can be really messy. If you’re like me, there’s been more than one time in your life, perhaps many times, when you weren’t sure what to believe. We are constantly bombarded with messages: from advertisers on TV (all trying to sell you something), from our friends, from the news written by journalists (some honest and others totally without integrity), from politicians and from movie stars and sports stars (of varying intelligence and who may or may not be moral individuals). Add to this all the varying religions and philosophies in the world. And it’s all on the internet, just one mouse click away. How are we to know what to believe? What is truth?
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That brings us to the purpose of this book: it is possible to seek and find the truth. And there is nothing more important than believing in the Truth. To this end, I share my story.

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(1) Fabes, R., Introduction to Sociology, <ST1<?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

Arizona</st1laceName> <st1laceType w:st="on">State</st1laceType> <st1laceType w:st="on">University</st1laceType></ST1, Fall 1994
(2) John 18: 38

 

[darrell]

Chapter 2

I was raised in a Christian home. My mother was raised Catholic, and my father was Protestant. I don’t know how my parents came to the arrangement, and it really doesn’t matter at this point, but my brother and sister and I were raised Protestant. We were taught to believe in God. We went to Sunday School (religious education) and church services every Sunday. We went to vacation <ST1Bible <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

</st1laceType>School</ST1 in the summers. We said grace before meals, and were taught to say our prayers. My mother taught me the Our Father,and this little children’s bedtime prayer:

Now I lay me down to sleep; I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.
Amen.

We were taught to have faith, but as a young man in high school I began to have questions and doubts. On one hand, belief in God didn’t seem compatible with science and the messages of an increasingly secular world. We were taught that God created us, but in school we were taught evolution. The sacred scriptures say trust in God and not our own understanding, (1) but the modern world says question everything, trust in logic and decide for yourself what is truth. There seemed to be contradictions in the Bible and things that seemed impossible. No one seemed to have answers to my questions, but looking back, I really didn’t try that hard to find the answers…

In addition to these questions, it was perhaps what I saw with my own eyes (or what I didn’t see) that gave me the greatest doubts. Even though my knowledge and understanding of my faith wasn’t what it should have been, I think I understood one thing very well, and that was really the central message of our faith. I understood that if we believed, I mean really believed, that meant we were supposed to live a certain way. And I didn’t see it. I didn’t see people turning the other cheek (2) or giving everything to the poor. (3) I didn’t see people leading lives of selflessness and sacrifice. Now, looking back, I realize that I knew many good people living good Christian lives, but at the time I saw a lot of hypocrisy. I saw people going to church on Sundays and then going out the door and going about their business. I didn’t see anyone giving everything, the way our Lord Jesus gave everything on the cross. And so I turned my back on the faith I had been taught to believe.

(1) Proverbs 3: 5
(2) Matthew 5: 39, Luke 6: 29
(3) Mark 10: 21, Luke 18: 22

 

[darrell]

technical difficulties

 

[darrell]

Chapter 3

Then the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, “It is the Lord!” As soon as Simon Peter heard him say, “It is the Lord,” he wrapped his outer garment around him (for he had taken it off) and jumped into the water (John 21: 7, NIV).

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[darrell]

The fact that I can even tell my story now is pure grace; it is a testament to God’s incredible Mercy.

At Mass last Sunday morning, Monsignor Moyer pointed out that it is when we stand in God’s presence that we clearly see our own nature. That’s why Peter put his clothes on before he jumped in the water. It was a reflection of Adam and Eve: when the Father called to them in the garden, it was after they sinned that they realized they were naked. In God’s presence, they saw their nature, their sinfulness. (1)

I’ve really struggled with how to tell my story, and I think this is a reflection of my life as a young man and of the world I lived in. It was very messy, a world of mixed messages, full of half-truths and deceptions, and I was certainly confused as to what to believe. I couldn’t see clearly: as the Apostle Paul wrote, For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known (1 Corinthians 13: 12, NIV). When looking in a dim glass, we cannot make everything out, but when face to face with God, in His presence, we see clearly. So I’ve sought to place myself in God’s presence, and in prayerfully considering these things have gained a certain perspective. I’ll try to share what seems so clear in my mind, and what I feel so deeply in my heart.

In looking at what hinders us from seeing the truth, I think one factor is in our own human nature; there’s a certain rebelliousness, a desire to go our own way. Look at poor Adam and Eve back before the fall. They lived in the garden in the fullness of God’s grace. Adam and Eve had it made. They lived in earthly paradise in perfect harmony with God. There was no hunger or death. The roses had no thorns! Life was good. There was only one rule they had to follow. But God allowed them to be tempted, and out of their own free will, they disobeyed God. They could have trusted God, but they chose to go their own way. (2)
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There’s something of this nature in all of us; I see it in my own little children. My wife Liane and I give them rules, not to be controlling or mean, but to teach them the right way and to keep them safe. For example, they’re not allowed to go off by themselves. Now they may not understand why; they may think they are perfectly safe to go off on their own, but there are dark and dangerous currents in the waters. There are sharks, predators, ready to destroy them.

There’s something of this rebelliousness in all of us. We want to do what we want to do. I’m reminded of J.R.R. Tolkien’s story of The Lord of the Rings. In the first part of the trilogy, The Fellowship of the Ring, (3) a small band, a fellowship, is formed in a quest to destroy the ring. Now this ring is pure evil, but there is terrible attraction to it. Each member of the fellowship struggles with his own desire to possess the ring for himself, even though they know it is evil, even though they’ve been warned it will consume them. This is an allusion to our own disordered appetites in this fallen world where things that are wrong can often appear very desirable. We struggle with our weaknesses.
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Now Adam and Eve were not alone in their failure to trust God. They were deceived; the serpent lied to them. This brings us back to those dark waters and dangerous currents. The world is full of those who would deceive us. It’s a world full of materialism and feel-good philosophies – it’s a world of lies we live in.

(1) Monsignor Richard Moyer, Sunday homily, April 22, 2007
(2) Genesis 1-3
(3) Tolkien, J.R.R. (1954). The fellowship of the ring <ST1London</ST1: George Allen & Unwin. Ltd.

 

[Alabaster]

I am glad you have a testimony of God's goodness.

I am interested, however as to where your priest got the idea that Peter put on a cloak before he left the boat to walk on the water.

Oh, I see it was the story in John 21.

 

[darrell]

I was very into the writings of Carlos Castaneda back in the ‘70s and 80’s. Castaneda was an anthropology student who claimed to have become the apprentice of a Yaqui Indian sorcerer<ST1</ST1, and he wrote a dozen books about it. Best sellers, the books were full of the use of peyote and hallucinogenic mushrooms, of a belief in a “separate reality” and encountering entities called “allies.” I read an article about Carlos Castaneda recently; (4) it turns out that much of what he wrote (if not all) was a bunch of lies, and many of his ideas were plagiarized from other sources. Even so, Castaneda had a huge following, and he even had his own little cult of women. After he died, at least one of these women committed suicide, and others remain missing. I have to add that I suspect Castaneda has done the Native American peoples a great disservice by portraying these lies as their beliefs.


Why do people turn to new age philosophies? Why do they look for mysticism in other places than in Christ Jesus? I think it is because people are looking for an easier way. The truth of Christianity promises the greatest reward: eternal life. But Jesus asks us to walk a hard road. This brings us back to what I said earlier, that as a young man I realized that if we really believed in Jesus, that we were supposed to live it. We’re supposed to acknowledge that our Father in Heaven knows what’s best for us. We’re supposed to deny our selfish inclinations and follow His laws. Jesus is asking us to give everything, as He gave everything on the cross. As a young man who wasn’t sure if God even existed, I wasn’t willing to make that commitment. So I adopted the philosophy that I would just do the best I could; I could think for myself and decide for myself what was right and wrong. Looking back, I recognize that even in my doubt, still I had Jesus is my heart because I at least wanted to do what was right. But at the same time, this is a dangerous place to be because when we are not acknowledging God and His Authority, it becomes easier to move the line any time it is convenient. I’m reminded of the words of Susan Krabacher, a former Playboy playmate: "I moved my boundaries a long way and then they got so blurred so far away that I completely lost sight of boundaries of right and wrong and what pleases God and what just kills Him." (5) When we are not choosing to follow Jesus and walk in the light, then really we are just kind of adrift and in danger of being carried away by any dark current that comes along.

(4) Marshall, R. (2007, April 12). The dark legacy of Carlos Castaneda. Salon.com.<O></O>
(5) Krabacher, S. (as told to Kristi Watts). Diary of a Playboy Centerfold. Cbn.com.<O></O>
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[darrell]

I remember when I was first exposed to Castaneda’s writings: I was a young Marine, and there was a group of us sitting around waiting to receive our assignments for the day. I noticed someone near me reading a book, and I asked him about it. He handed me the paperback and said, “Read this.” (6) I was fascinated by the few paragraphs that I read and went out and bought a copy of the book at the first opportunity. The tales are full of magic and efforts to gain power, and the sorcerers and their apprentices really had a superior attitude, looking on others as leading wasted lives.


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In addition to Castaneda, I was very interested in horror stories and vampires and fantasy books and movies, and I was dabbling into drugs. I also read some books by H.P. Lovecraft. If you’ve never read his works, I recommend staying as far away from them as possible; they are pure evil. After reading one on his books, I sat alone in my apartment late one night and began writing a dark story of my own about ghouls and a journey into the netherworld! I think I may actually have it somewhere in a box, and if I ever find it, I will burn the cursed thing. In looking back on all this, I see that it was only by grace that I wasn’t completely lost in all of this. I can picture the spiritual battle that was going on. My guardian angel must have been working overtime!

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All of this was twenty to thirty years ago, and these things were on the fringe back then. Now they are much more in the open. Recently, I noticed at a local high school that a majority of the students were wearing black. Darkness… And everywhere these days, I see people wearing skulls and daggers and pentagrams, all satanic symbols. A few years into my conversion, I reached a point where I was able to sense the presence of evil. I could feel it in certain places and things, in video games and movies and TV shows. An unbelieving world would tell you that there are no such things as evil spirits, and these are all just made up entertainments. Do not believe it! I assure you they are very real.
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In our rebelliousness we can go in the wrong direction, and we can be led astray by the dark currents of deceptions and lies. And as difficult as it is to believe, there are those who choose darkness…


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This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil (John 3: 19, NIV).


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If we turn our back on the Light and walk away, we are walking into darkness. I suppose that if a person walks in darkness long enough, that eventually that soul may lose the desire to ever turn around. But I knowthat it is never too late for God. Jesus tells us that He is the Light. When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life” (John 8: 12, NIV) Jesus is everything. He is truth and goodness and love, and He offers us eternal life. It is never too late for Him. His Mercy is inexhaustible!

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If there is anyone reading this now who is involved in any of these dark things, let me assure you that Jesus wants you to turn around and come to Him. He loves you. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done, it is never too late for Him! Believe me, He has already forgiven you; all you have to do is accept His forgiveness. If you feel in your heart Jesus calling to you right now, pray to Him: Help me Jesus. Help me to turn around Jesus. Forgive me Jesus. I’m tired of walking in darkness. Help me to see the light, Jesus. I want to walk in Your Light, Jesus. Amen.

Believe me; all of us here on Earth who hope for eternity in Heaven with God and His Angels want you to be with us. We won’t judge you, because we aren’t any better than you, no matter what you’ve done. I am praying for you now. Many people are praying for you right now, because we want you to be with us in eternity.


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The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it (John 1: 5, NIV).


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So much of my own life has been a search for truth in a world of lies. As I wandered through most of my adult life, I made a lot of mistakes. Many times I heard Jesus knocking on the door of my heart, (7) but in my unbelief, I would not open the door. Jesus never stopped calling me to Himself. And now, I hear Him calling to us all. Strive for purity. Long for holiness.Reach for Him, like a drowning man reaching for a lifeboat…lest those dark currents consume us.

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(6) From a private conversation between the author and an unknown Marine, Naval Air Station Memphis, <ST1<?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

</st1:City>Millington, <st1:State w:st="on">Tennessee</st1:State></ST1lace>, winter of 1978<O</O
(7) Revelation 3: 20

 

[darrell]

Hi Alabasater:waving

Yes, it was meant to be in one post. I'm experienceing some difficulties in copying and pasting from a word documnet. I haven't experienced this problem in other forums I've been in.

 

[Alabaster]

Hi Alabasater:waving

Yes, it was meant to be in one post. I'm experienceing some difficulties in copying and pasting from a word documnet. I haven't experienced this problem in other forums I've been in.

No problem! Carry on...I am enjoying it! ;)

 

[darrell]

Chapter 4

My little daughter Isabella and I went for walk one morning a few weeks before her fourth birthday, and as we often do, we stopped at the neighborhood park. I watched my little girl and the other preschoolers playing. Already they have a healthy self-interest and a certain rebelliousness, but otherwise they are still pretty innocent at that age. I wondered what kind of people they would grow up to be. We as parents have a sacred duty to teach our children right from wrong and to ensure their religious education. How can our children have faith if they do not see it in their families? While in the past few weeks I have been remembering my own past, I have recognized the same doubts and struggles that I faced reflected in the youth of today’s world.
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One young woman has been questioning and seeking. She cries out: “…lately I've been having serious doubts about Christianity and religion…I felt strongly on my heart to try out the Catholic Church. I have been attending the Catholic Church down the road from where I live for only about four weeks. It is the most holy and beautiful place I have ever been. But I'm confused. The Catholics say they are Christ's true Church. But every denomination, religion, etc, are saying the same thing. I've taken this before the Lord many times. I've come to the conclusion that Christ alone is the Truth, and I follow after Him, and seek Him desperately. I end up confused and doubting, sometimes (rarely) even His existence, which I hate to admit. I love Him completely, yet I doubt when He seems out of reach. How do you know? How can you possibly know what is right? It's so frustrating that you cannot know! Where are answers when you seek them with all your heart?” (1)
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The people she turned to gave her some very good answers, but in her teenage angst and impatience, after only a few days, she left…

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Another young man has been struggling with the conflict between his desire to be a faithful disciple of Jesus and the desires of his own weakness in an unbelieving world. Now he is coming to grips with the consequences of his choices – he has gotten his girlfriend pregnant. He wants to do the right thing, and in this there is hope. I say to him that my own life is a testament that God can bring good out of any situation.

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And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (Romans 8: 28, NIV).

(1) Unknown young woman in “Friends for Jesus” online discussion forum
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[darrell]

I am always blown away when I see young people with faith, especially when I consider my own confusion as a young man. It was bad enough thirty years ago, but now the materialism and immorality is so much more blatant. Look at our entertainment. When I was growing up, we watched The Waltons and Little House on the Prairie; now we have shows like Fear Factor, Sex in the City and Jerry Springer. We’ve gone from shows that upheld family, hard work and moral living to shows that glorify promiscuity and violence; the game shows and talk shows seek to strip all dignity from the human person, and our society calls this entertainment. It’s simply amazing that any youth can have faith in today’s world.

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Last month I was asked to be part of a prayer team for the monthly meeting of the youth ministry at <ST1Arizona <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

State</st1laceType> <st1laceType w:st="on">University</st1laceType></ST1. It was an incredible evening which included great music by Matt Maher, and concluded with a time of praise and adoration before the Blessed Sacrament. It filled my heart with joy to see several hundred college students on their knees before the Most Holy Sacrament of the Altar. Here is the hope for our future.

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Pope John Paul II stated that youth is “…a time given by <st1:City w:st="on"><ST1Providence</ST1</st1:City>to every person and given to him as a responsibility. During that time he searches, like the young man in the Gospel, for answers to basic questions; he searches not only for the meaning of life but also for a concrete way to go about living his life…If at every stage of his life man desires to be his own person, to find love, during his youth he desires it even more strongly…After all, young people are always searching for the beauty in love. They want their love to be beautiful. If they give in to weakness, following models of behavior that can rightly be considered a “scandal in the contemporary world”…in the depths of their hearts they still desire a beautiful and pure love…Ultimately, they know that only God can give them this love.” (2)

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We had several young engaged couples with us on retreat last weekend. Some of us shared our stories with these young people, and we spoke of the choices that each of us makes every day – whether to follow Jesus or to go our own way – and of the consequences of our choices, for ourselves and for others. My friend Mike told them that much of what he’s seen in the world in the last few years is discouraging, but to see them there together seeking to follow Jesus gives us hope. They are on the right path, and my prayer for them is that they continue on the right path. I encouraged them to put God in the first place in their families, to make prayer a priority in their families, to pray together every day as a family. This is the hope for our world – a generation turning to Jesus.
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(2) Pope John Paul II. (2005). Crossing the threshold of hope <st1:State w:st="on"><ST1New York</ST1</st1:State>: Alfred A. Knopf, 121, 123.

 

[darrell]

Chapter 5
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Just then a man came up to Jesus and asked, “Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?” “Why do you ask me about what is good?” Jesus replied. There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, keep the commandments” (Matthew 19: 16, 17, NIV)
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“In short, the young man’s question raises the issue of life’s meaning. It can therefore be formulated in this way: what must I do so that my life has meaning? How must I live so as to reap the full fruits of life? Or again: what must I do so that my life is not wasted?”<O</O
--Pope Benedict XVI (1)
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As I said before, I understood as a young man that if you were a Christian, you were supposed to live a certain way. If you were going to follow Jesus, He was asking for it all, everything, and I wasn’t willing to make that kind of commitment to a God I wasn’t sure even existed. So I basically made a deal with God and said something like, “If you’re there God, if you are real, I need to know it. If you want me to live by your rules, I need to know you are real.” I wanted Him to speak to me or at least give me a sign. Basically, I wanted God to prove to me that He existed! And when that didn’t happen, I decided to live by my own rules, to decide for myself what was right and wrong (which is pretty much the secular humanistic, individualistic and relativistic philosophy that prevails in today’s modern society).
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The problem with everyone deciding for themselves what’s right and wrong is that no one can agree on where to draw the line. Look at abortion for example. The last statistics I read indicated that in the <ST1United States</ST1, it was pretty close to fifty-fifty, with half the country being pro choice and half defending life. Our society is split down the middle on whether or not it’s right or wrong for a mother to kill her own baby! Christ have mercy on us.
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When we deny God and His laws, when we say that it’s up to individuals to decide for themselves what is right and wrong, when there are no moral absolutes, then it becomes really easy to move the line. And I went along like that for most of twenty-five years. Looking back, I know that Jesus was there the entire time, always knocking on the door to my heart, asking me to let Him in. (2) There were times when I opened the door, but in the impatience and egocentric view of my youth, my prayers (when I did pray) were mainly selfish: “God, I need this …” or “God, I want this …” When I didn’t get the immediate answer that I wanted or thought I needed, then I decided that either God must not be there at all, or He just wasn’t answering me. So I shut the door. If there was a God – and I had been taught that He was a loving and just God – I told myself that if I did my best to do what was right, He couldn’t blame me for not being able to make a leap of faith. Even in my decision to go my own way, we can recognize that Jesus was there, for I at least wanted to do what was right, and we cannot even desire to do good except by the grace of God.
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(1) Pope Benedict XVI, May 10, 2007, <ST1<?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

Sao Paulo</st1:City>, <st1:country-region w:st="on">Brazil</st1:country-region></ST1. Michaeljournal.org
(2) Revelation 3: 20<O</O
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[darrell]

After high school, I joined the Marine Corps. I was exposed to a lot of things; I went a lot of places I shouldn’t have gone, and I did some things I’m ashamed of. In my mind, I can just hear my grandmother: she would have said I was “hanging around with a bad crowd.†I remember Mom-Maw telling me to never forget who I was, where I came from and what I had been taught to believe in. I didn’t do a very good job of it, and I moved that line a lot over the years.
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The Marine Corps pretty much didn’t care what we did when we were off duty as long as we didn’t get arrested or cause trouble with the locals. I was seventeen, away from home and on my own, and I had a pretty high opinion of myself and was confident I could figure things out for myself and make my own way. However, there is a great contradiction in youth: when we are young we tell ourselves that we are our own person and we are in control, but the desire to belong and to fit in – the desire to be loved – is very strong, and we are often tempted and pressured by others to do things we might not otherwise even consider. I learned the hard way as a young Marine that there are people in this world who will bring you down to their level if they can for no other reason than to bring you down. These people aren’t happy just doing the low crawl themselves; they want you to do the low crawl with them. And I did. I won’t embarrass my family by publicly confessing all my sins, but I was drinking and smoking pot and dabbling in other drugs. I was promiscuous, and I was even pressured into vandalism. I lacked the courage of conviction, and in my desire to fit in, I caved in to peer pressure.
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If anyone who knew me in those days is reading this, I am not blaming anyone else for my mistakes.I understand and acknowledge that I did these things of my own free will. I am at fault, and if I had been walking with Jesus, perhaps I would have been stronger and an example to others. Lord have mercy on me.
<O</O
A few years after getting out of the Marine Corps, I met and married a young divorced woman with a two-year-old little boy. It was a disaster. I wasn’t mature or selfless enough to give her what she needed emotionally, and she wasn’t committed to the marriage from the beginning. We were married less than three years, and in that time she threatened to leave me once, and then did leave me a year later. I couldn’t handle the emotional roller coaster and filed for divorce. I don’t harbor any ill feelings toward her, but I think how sad that we couldn’t be a loving family. How sad for her little boy who I considered my son. However, this experience did leave me bitter and untrusting toward women for some years.
<O</O
In my late twenties, I made a decision that took my life in a new direction. At that time I was overweight and smoking about a pack-and-a-half of cigarettes a day. Now my father died of a heart attack when he was 34 and my grandfather died of a heart attack at the age of 56. It dawned on me that I wasn’t getting any younger, and if I didn’t change my lifestyle, I would probably follow in their footsteps and die at a young age. I quit smoking, changed my diet and started exercising. I became interested in endurance sports and discovered that I had a talent for long distance cycling, and for the next fifteen years, my life pretty much revolved around bicycle racing.

Even though I had a passion for my sport and loved what I was doing, it was a lonely life. I was working full time as a line technician in an avionics factory, and all of my free time was spent training. On a typical day, I would ride ten miles to work, and then ride another ten to forty miles after work. On the weekends in between races, I would train all day. This didn’t leave much time for a social life, but on Friday nights I would go to the nightclubs hoping to meet someone. Even though sometimes (I’m ashamed to admit) I was looking only for a one night stand, as John Paul II said, really, deep down in my heart I desired a beautiful and pure love. I also tried personal ads, and had a couple of short-lived relationships before eventually meeting a nice Catholic young woman who became my wife.
<O</O
Liane and I had a bit in common that I believed was a good basis for a relationship: mainly we were both into fitness. Liane was an elementary school Physical Education teacher, distance runner and cross country coach. Liane was very supportive of my racing for a number of years, and she served on my support crews, and we had some success. I competed in the Race Across AMerica (RAAM) on four occasions, and twice finished in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

<st1:address w:st="on">Fifth Place</st1:address></st1:Street>. I also set a world record for the most distance ridden on the road in 24 hours – 476 miles.

 

[jasoncran]

interesting,in your posts i hear that you havent forgivn yourself.

i served in the u.s.army right out of high school, and i can relate to some of that.
i never did drugs but i did get into porn and later after my ets i did steal money and other manner of sins.

i met the indivual who low crawled and got me join them while i was in the army.

 

[darrell]

Thanks for commenting Jason. When I wrote all this, I was still in a lot of pain (you’ll understand why in a few chapters if you keep reading). I think it’s possible to forgive ourselves, and at the same time remember the wrong we’ve done and the pain it has caused others. I think it’s possible to forgive ourselves and still have regrets. That’s only human.

 

[jasoncran]

Thanks for commenting Jason. When I wrote all this, I was still in a lot of pain (you’ll understand why in a few chapters if you keep reading). I think it’s possible to forgive ourselves, and at the same time remember the wrong we’ve done and the pain it has caused others. I think it’s possible to forgive ourselves and still have regrets. That’s only human.

well i can show you that with you its more than this. but do you want it done in private or open?

i see that its more, in time you must forgive yourself, regret the sin but as a new creature see yourself as what god says. not what the devil still feeds you!