[ Testimony ] Out of the Valley of Tears

[darrell]

I’m reminded of a story (it may be true for all I know):

A little girl went to school one day and began telling everybody that Jesus talked to her. The little girl’s parents called their pastor to come talk to her. The pastor asked her, “When you say Jesus talks to you, you mean in your mind, right?”
“No,” the little girl said, “He talks to me just like you and I are talking now.”
The pastor thought about it for a minute, then told the little girl, “Okay, the next time you talk to Jesus, ask Him what my last sin was?”
When the pastor saw the little girl on Sunday, he asked her, “Did you ask Jesus what my sin was?”
“Yes.”
“Well, what did Jesus say?”
“Jesus said He forgot.”
<O</O
Jason, this story I’m telling is written in the past tense. I’ve travelled a long way since these words were written. I didn’t ask you for counseling. I appreciate the offer, but I think I’ll decline. I’m sharing my story so people here will know where I’m coming from. Why don’t you jus keep reading and see where it goes? You might be surprised.

 

[jasoncran]

ok then,that hurt seems fresh, but if i posted all my emotional hurts and self-loathing that i did post here and havent you would think the same as i was reliving the hurt when i posted the testimony.

God used to that heal me and show me that he isnt done with me yet.

 

[darrell]

No problem, brother. We're all of us a work in progress, right?

Time for me to call it a night.

 

[darrell]

Chapter 6

There’s not a lot of money to be made in long distance bicycle racing; in fact, most riders are lucky to get enough sponsorships to cover their expenses, and after a few years, Liane insisted that I start working on a new career, something that would actually contribute to supporting a family. I went back to school, and bike racing got put on hold for a couple of years. Liane was good to support me during this time, and eventually I graduated from <ST1<?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

Arizona</st1laceName> <st1laceType w:st="on">State</st1laceType> <st1laceType w:st="on">University</st1laceType></ST1 with a degree in nursing.

On March 14, 1995, on our third wedding anniversary, our first son, John Luc, was born. Something unexpected happened when I held our baby boy in my arms: I experienced feelings and emotions I’d never felt before, and for the first time in my life, I think I cared about another human being more than I cared about myself.
<O</O
Liane sometimes asked me to go to Mass with her, but I don’t remember ever going more than a few times than was necessary to get our marriage blessed. After all, I couldn’t give up my valuable riding time. Not too long after Johnny was born, Liane told me we needed to get Johnny Baptized. I said sure, that was fine, but then she told me I needed to go with her to Baptism class! I wasn’t too happy about that, but grudgingly agreed. The man who taught the class that day not only instructed us on the meaning of Baptism and the responsibilities of parents and godparents, he talked about his family, and he shared about a miracle that happened with the birth of one of his children. Something he said that day touched my heart.
<O</O
I began thinking about things, and to my own utter amazement, I told Liane that I thought I wanted to join the Catholic Church! Liane was tickled pink of course, and she arranged for me to have an interview with the priest. Father Marcel asked me why I wanted to join the Catholic Church, and I answered that I’d been feeling something was missing in my life spiritually. Father asked me, “But why do you want to join the Catholic Church?” Father Marcel didn’t say this, but I had the feeling that if I didn’t answer correctly, I wouldn’t be joining the Catholic Church. I explained how the Baptism class had affected me, and that there was something about the Catholic Church that attracted me. I told Father that I went to Mass with Liane on occasion, and there were more rituals and ceremonies than the church I grew up in. I couldn’t explain it – it was more a feeling really – but there was something about the Church (the bells and smells) that was very attractive to me. I asked Father Marcel if that was OK and he said yes it was.
<O</O
Father Marcel informed me that I could proceed. He explained that normally the Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults (RCIA) was a year-long process, but because I had been raised Christian and already had a good understanding of the beliefs of the faith that I could join an existing class that had already started. This came as a shock to me as I’d figured I would just have to go through an initiation ceremony or something and that would be it. Father asked me if I was willing to commit to a three-hour class every Sunday morning for the next year until I was confirmed into the Church. I wasn’t too happy about this at all because it was going to seriously cut into my riding time, but for some reason, I told Father that yes I would commit. Maybe it was because I had already told Liane that I would do it, or perhaps it was because I am the type of person that when I set a goal I don’t give up too easily. But possibly (and this is the reason I believe), I knew in my heart that Jesus was calling me, and this was the path that would lead to the truth I had always longed for.
<O</O
If we’re walking in the right direction, even if it’s out of a sense of obligation and our hearts aren’t one-hundred percent into it, still there’s something to be said for honoring ones commitments and doing ones duty, and God responds to this and there’s grace. I believe He always gives us what we need, although it may not be what we think we want and we don’t understand what He’s doing. And in this grace, He is always calling us and asking us to climb a little higher and give a little more of ourselves.
<O</O
My RCIA experience wasn’t what I had expected. I wanted to learn about what was going on in the Mass and the rituals and ceremonies and prayers, but it seemed like the class was more about Christianity in general. I will say that the leaders were very enthusiastic, and my own sponsor, John, took his responsibility very seriously for which I am forever grateful. In my final interview with Father Marcel, he asked if I believed what the Catholic Church taught. I started to tell him that I still had doubts, but he stopped me. He said that as long as I always was trying my best to do what was right, that’s what mattered. He asked me again if I believed the teaching of the Catholic Church was the truth, and I said, “Yes.”
<O</O
Now these many years later, I understand that what Father Marcel was trying to teach me was that it doesn’t matter if we don’t understand or if we sometimes have doubts – that’s human. What’s important is that we believe in the teaching Authority of the Church and that we are obedient to that teaching. That’s what it means to be a faithful Catholic. As Pope Benedict XVI said in <ST1<st1:country-region w:st="on">Brazil</st1:country-region></ST1 recently, “We must walk.” I think Father Marcel understood me better than I gave him credit for at the time.

 

[darrell]

I was confirmed into the One Holy Catholic and <ST1<?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

Apostolic</st1laceName> <st1laceType w:st="on">Church</st1laceType></ST1 on Easter Vigil 1996. I wish I could say that from this point forward I continued to walk on the right path and grow steadily in faith and love, but I didn’t. I had not yet had a profound experience of God; I still wanted God to prove to me that He existed, and so I practiced my new Catholic faith in a very lukewarm manner. I began to backslide. I began to drift.

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea blown and tossed about by the wind (James 1: 5, 6, NIV).<O</O
<O</O
I was drifting again because I was still unwilling to choose to believe, to give everything to Christ Jesus and to die to my selfish self. This is the struggle that all of us face in this life: whether to follow the selfish ways of the world, or to follow Jesus. This is the struggle between the flesh and the Spirit, between the darkness and light, between evil and goodness.
<O</O
This choice we all face is like a fork in the road which each of us comes to every day of our lives (perhaps many times every day). To the left, the path looks easy and inviting. This road is lined with the pleasures of the world, everything our individual hearts desire, all the things a materialistic and self-loving world tells us will make us happy: wealth, power, fame, promiscuous sex, beauty, entertainment and easy living. The signs on this road promise freedom and happiness, but the author of those lies is the same serpent who said to Eve, “You certainly will not die†(Genesis 3: 4, NIV). This is the road of the world, the road of the flesh, the road of darkness, and in truth this road leads to ruin.
<O</O
To the right the road leads uphill; the path is straight, but looks difficult. The signs on this road say service and sacrifice. The way is lined with crosses, and some of these crosses have our names on them, and we will have to carry them. (1) We don’t know, but we may in fact be nailed to a cross. This is the road of the Spirit, the road of Truth, the road of Light. Jesus went this way, and He said, “Follow me.†(2) And even though the path does not look easy or inviting, it is in fact the road to everlasting life.
<O</O
It is a challenge to choose the right road, especially today in the developed countries because we have so much affluence and material prosperity and long life. Why choose selflessness and sacrifice when the serpent tells us we can have heaven on earth? Modern society also tells us there is no God! We are taught not to believe in anything unless it can be proven by science, and so it is a very agnostic and atheistic world. It is hard to choose self-denial when we are bombarded with messages to be self-indulgent. It is a world of mixed messages we live in, a world of doubts and lies, a world that challenges us even to believe in the God who created us! And if there is no God, then there is no heaven, or hell. Surely we will not die…
<O</O
Yet many people still seek and practice a religion because the worldly life is ultimately unfulfilling. There is never enough money or sex or power or whatever to make us happy. There’s just never enough. Yesterday, I read a question posed by a man: “What is the minimum we must do to feel good about ourselves?†This is the thinking that leads many to practice a very superficial sort of faith. Those not yet willing to give everything want a middle road, a sort of insurance policy. This is where I was, a lukewarm, going to Mass most Sundays (unless it interfered with my racing), saying prayers before meals (unless we were in public – didn’t want to offend anyone, or worse yet be embarrassed), giving a little to the Church (but not tithing), and not volunteering for any ministries (my life was too busy).
<O</O
But there is no middle road; if we’re not following the right path, we’re just drifting, unstable, and vulnerable to the first wave that comes along, whether it’s trusting in science and technology, rationalism, new age philosophies, the latest self-help program, or a “secret.†If we’re not committed to the right path, the first wave that comes along will carry us away from the Truth.
<O</O
(1) Matthew 10: 38, Matthew 16: 24, Mark 8: 34, Luke 9: 23, Luke 14: 27<O></O>
(2) Matthew 4:19, 8: 22, 9: 9, 19: 21; Mark 1: 17, 2: 14, 10: 21; Luke 5: 27, 9: 59; John 1: 43, 21: 19, 21: 22<O</O<O</O

 

[darrell]

This choice we face between the flesh and the spirit is a challenge for us. The words from the second reading on Pentecost Sunday spoke exactly to this:
Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God. You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you. Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live. For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship.<SUP value='[f]'> </SUP>And by him we cry, “Abba,<SUP value='[g]'> </SUP>Father.†The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory (Romans 8: 8-17. NIV)
<O</O<O</O
At Pentecost Mass, the Holy Spirit was giving me all these little graces. During the readings of the Sacred Scriptures, my heart was filled with understanding that is beyond what can be expressed with our human words. And after receiving Our Lord in the Holy Eucharist, I felt such peace and joy, and as I reflected on all these things I’ve been sharing with you, of my many years of going my own way and making up my own rules and of the so many things I have done wrong in my life, of all that He has forgiven me, still He is so good to me. My feeble words are inadequate. His goodness overwhelmed me, and the Holy Spirit bore witness to my spirit, and I knew I was a child of God. Praise You Father in Heaven! Praise You Jesus, my Lord and my God! Praise You Holy Spirit, Spirit of Truth, our Advocate, our Guide!
<O</O
I don’t know, but I think for most of us in this world, we cannot renounce the flesh until we’re brought to the foot of the cross. Until we place ourselves at the foot of the cross and look at the person there, until we see Jesus hanging by nails and gaze upon His wounds and realize that He is there because of each one of us, until we understand that He chose the cross and gave Himself for every one of us, until we run to the cross, we cannot understand what it means to believe, to ask in faith, not doubting. Jesus was there calling to me, knocking on the door to my heart, but I was still not at a place in my life where I was willing to totally commit; I had not yet been brought to the foot of the cross.

 

[darrell]

Chapter 7


<O</O
In 1997, our second child died in the womb near the end of the first trimester. We named the baby Gabriel. I was not very upset about it at the time; I’m ashamed to say my view was still pretty worldly, and I didn’t even think of the baby as really being a person yet. But later at a memorial service, I was moved to tears. I guess in my heart I knew the truth. Now whenever anyone asks me how many children I have, I always include Gabriel in my answer.

<O</O

After graduating from nursing school, I took a job in the Intensive Care Unit at <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

</st1laceType>Desert <st1laceName w:st="on">Samaritan</st1laceName> <st1laceType w:st="on">Hospital</st1laceType> in <st1:City w:st="on"><ST1Mesa</ST1</st1:City> where we lived. Now that all my time wasn’t taken with school and studying and working part time, I set my sights on bike racing again. I threw myself into training and working on getting myself into shape. I still dreamed of winning one big race before I was too old. It was all I thought about.

<O</O
On September 10, 1998, just three months after my graduation from university, Liane gave birth to another son, and we named him Dustin Augustus. For the next three years, I tried to find enough time to train myself into world class shape again while adjusting to both my responsibilities as a father and to my new career as an ICU nurse in a busy hospital.
<O</O
Looking back on this now, I recognize the immense spiritual battle going on in the world reflected in my own individual life: the battle between the flesh and the spirit, between the ways of the world and the ways of the Lord. My world view and my thinking were still very egocentric and selfish. For example in our marriage, I wasn’t happy with Liane much of the time because she wasn’t meeting my needs, but I never considered what she needed from me. Liane expected a lot of my time to help take care of the kids and for family activities, which took time away from my riding. I’m ashamed to admit that there were times I actually resented my own family because they interfered with my selfish dreams! Lord have mercy on me.<O</O
<O</O

 

[darrell]

Sometime during these years, I remember hearing the results of a survey which asked, “What book has most influenced your life?†My personal response was Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I was very surprised to learn that the top two answers were Atlas Shrugged and the Bible: we see the spiritual battle defined right here in the results of this survey of the influences on our society!
<O</O

Ayn Rand developed a philosophy, Objectivism, which she dramatized in her famous novel Atlas Shrugged: “My philosophy, in essence, is the concept of man as a heroic being, with his own happiness as the moral purpose of his life, with productive achievement as his noblest activity, and reason as his only absolute.†(1) While there is some good in what Rand believed, if we examine her statement, we see that it is not consistent with the message of Christ (this is how the Deceiver works: he takes the truth and twists it until it is no longer good).
<O</O

In the Sacred Scriptures we see heroic figures: for example, David, who slew the lion and bear and the giant Goliath. David trusted in God, not himself, and this made him a man after the Lord’s own heart. <ST1Rand</ST1 tells us that our own happiness is the purpose of our lives, a philosophy of self-fulfillment, but Jesus asks us to love, to give of ourselves for others. Certainly, hard work and productivity are good things when their purpose is to contribute to the welfare of our families and for the good of society, but when the goal of our efforts is to gain power, wealth or fame for ourselves, then our desires are misguided. Rand argues that reason is our only absolute – lean on our own understanding – but the Bible teaches us, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding†(Proverbs 3: 5, NIV). Objectivism is an atheistic philosophy in that it denies the existence of God who is Truth. At its core, Objectivism is a philosophy of selfishness which states we don’t owe anything to anyone except ourselves, but the truth is we owe our very existence to God our Creator. <ST1Rand</ST1’s book had a profound impact on me, and I embraced this philosophy of self-fulfillment.
<O</O

(1) Rand, A. (1957). Atlas shrugged <ST1<?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

New York</st1:State></ST1: Random House.

 

[darrell]

I was thinking on these things this morning on my walk with Isabella. As usual, we stopped at the park, and while my little daughter played in the sand, I walked over to the side a short bit to stand in the shade. Just then the sprinklers started up directly behind me and soaked my legs. I laughed while jumping out of the line of fire, but wondered to myself, “What were the odds that the sprinklers would come on right at the exact instant I walked in front of them?†There are some who dismiss these types of things as pure chance, coincidences, and they reject any possibility that there are supernatural forces at work or that we are sometimes given signs. On the other hand, there are those who go to the other extreme and attribute supernatural influences to everything.
<O</O
We live in a physical universe with causes and effects, and very often things are quite simply the results of natural forces. However, it is a fallen world where the natural order of God’s original creation is moving toward a state of disorder as a result of the original sin of our first parents. Here we see the supernatural nature reflected in physical truth: the Second Law of Thermodynamics which is entropy. Here we see that the natural and the supernatural, the physical and the spiritual, are connected.
<O</O
It is in the story of the fall from grace that we see the truth of our existence in this world: if Adam and Eve had believed in God, everything would have been right in the world, but they didn’t trust in the Father; they listened to the lies of the serpent instead, and brought disorder and suffering and death into the world. (2) This is the same struggle that all have faced ever since, and the evil one continues to tempt us; the Father of Lies (3) is a liar still, and would have us believe that what’s wrong is right; Satan continues to spread deceptions and confusion, until now we have reached the point that people who want to be good cannot even agree on what’s right and wrong!
<O</O
For our struggle is not against the flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms (Ephesians 6: 12, NIV).<O</O
<O</O
So when those sprinklers sprayed me this morning, was it a sign of the supernatural battle going on around us? Or was it just bad timing in a disordered world? To be honest, I don’t know. But I do know that there is an immense spiritual battle going on around us. I think possibly that if we could see the angels and demons battling all around us, it would simply amaze us. And I do know that when it comes to God, there are no accidents. I do believe that in these incredible times we are living in, the good God does indeed give signs to those who are seeking to do His will. I suppose we need to be careful not to read into everything, but at the same time we need to be just as careful not to discount everything either. These were my thoughts as Isabella and I walked home this morning, and just then a large yellow and black butterfly flew right in front of me, and the beautiful creature hovered just in front of my face for a few seconds before fluttering off.
<O</O
(2) Genesis 3
(3) John 8: 44

 

[darrell]

We’ve seen the spiritual battle played out in the news a while back in the tragic figure of the young heiress to the Hilton Hotel empire. Paris Hilton has everything the world tells us is important – youth, beauty, tens of millions of dollars, glamorous clothes, luxury cars, and palatial homes – and she lives a fast and immoral life. She has everything the world would have us believe is important; yet she is not happy, and now she is in jail paying the price for her desperate lifestyle.
<O</O
It’s not only in materialism and worldly pleasures that people are looking for happiness and meaning; there’s a plethora of alternative religions and philosophies to choose from for those who seek an easier road. The astrology and horoscopes that have been in the newspapers since I was a boy are downright tame by today’s standards. Now we have mediums and mystics on daytime television claiming to speak with the dead! There’s a palm reader less than five miles from my house, just around the corner from St. Mary’s Catholic Church. And there are the new age religions and self-fulfillment philosophies. I’ve heard a bit of talk about a book and movie called, The Secret, (4)which suggests this idea that all the successful people in history discovered a “secret†that made them successful. The Secret claims that our thoughts and emotions actually change physical reality – our thoughts go out into space and actually rearrange the universe: think good thoughts and good things happen; think bad thoughts and bad things happen. This is nothing but the power of positive thinking taken to an extreme, and of course is not only ludicrous, it is an outright lie.
<O</O
There is some validity to the idea that our thoughts create our reality: our attitudes create our outlook on life, and we choose how we live our lives. We can choose to be positive, or we can go through life depressed. Definitely, by the lives we lead, we choose our place in eternity: if we lead good lives, we choose eternity with our God in Heaven, and if we lead evil lives, we risk eternity in Hell. But this idea that by simply thinking the right thoughts anyone can prevent bad things from happening in their lives and become rich and famous is ridiculous. When I was a world class endurance cyclist, I used mental training in my preparation, and it did contribute to some success (but I never achieved my dream of winning the Race Across America). I used to think that I was the most self-actualized person I knew. I believed I was in control of my own destiny, but as I’m about to share with you, I wasn’t in control of anything.
<O</O
(4) Byrne, R. (Producer), & Heriot, D. (Director). (2007). The secret [film]. TS Production, LLC.

 

[darrell]

Chapter 8
<O</O
Father in Heaven, You are the great and awesome God; I have been a lost sheep, and yet you love me. Jesus, You are the Good Shepherd, and You came to rescue me. Holy Spirit, You guide me in Truth. My Lord, my God, let me say only that which is pleasing to you; let my life glorify You, O Lord. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, Amen.
<O</O
But by the grace of God I am what I am… (1 Corinthians 15: 10, NIV)
<O</O
I spent most of my adult life, twenty years, going my own way. In all that time of walking away from the Lord (or at least trying to tread some nonexistent middle road), I did a lot of things I’m ashamed of: drinking and carousing, drugs, and even vandalism. Although I was never a mean person or someone who set out to hurt or take advantage of others, at times in my life I have been crude, vulgar, proud, lustful, arrogant, egotistical and even irreverent. My own sister once told me that I was “cold.”
<O</O
As I shared, I had embraced a philosophy of selfishness and self-centeredness. This attitude is even more prevalent in today’s world than it was twenty years ago when I first read Ayn Rand’s book. We live in a society of “It’s all about me” and “I owe it to myself.” It’s a culture of entitlement.
<O</O
Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the foremost (1 Timothy 1: 13-15, NIV).
<O</O
I make no claim to being a good or holy man; I am a weak and sinful man, but like <ST1St. Paul</ST1, God has been merciful to me. My whole reason for sharing all this is to tell others how good God has been to me, for when others see the difference God has made in our lives and how He has changed us, that is what makes people believe. My own life is a testament that God can bring good out of anything and everything. I have shared all this so that you can know the man I was before I was brought to my knees. It’s not easy for me to share all this publicly as it may cause shame or embarrassment to my family, but Jesus gave everything for me. How can I not lay it all on the line for Him?
<O</O
Let my life glorify You, O Lord.
<O</O

 

[darrell]

In 1999, I raced in a 24-hour event in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

</st1:State>Iowa and a 500 mile race in <st1:State w:st="on"><ST1California</ST1</st1:State>, and finished in fourth place overall in both events: respectable results, but not the glory I was dreaming of. By the late summer of 2001, I was still dreaming of winning a big race, and still struggling to get myself into world class shape while working full time and raising a family. I continued to think that I was in control and believed that if I ate the right foods, took the right vitamins, did the right mental preparation, had the best equipment and trained hard that I could achieve greatness. If I could only find all the ingredients and do the perfect preparation possible, then everything would come together; all I needed to do was work hard enough. In a sense, one might say I thought I could find the secret to success.
<O</O
Up until this point in my cycling career, all of my racing had been in individual competitions, but I had decided to try team racing. So I put together a pretty talented group of friends for a four-man relay team, and we were preparing for a popular 500 mile race in southern <ST1<st1:State w:st="on">California</st1:State></ST1 Three of us were not in top shape yet, but the fourth was a very strong climber and in peak form. We were all pretty excited to see how we would do as a team.
<O</O
At that time, I was working the night shift at the hospital and sleeping during the day. On September 11, 2001, I learned with the rest of the world that terrorists had hijacked and crashed planes into the twin towers of the <ST1<st1laceName w:st="on">World</st1laceName> <st1laceName w:st="on">Trade</st1laceName> <st1laceType w:st="on">Center</st1laceType></ST1. That night at the hospital, and into the early hours of the next morning, over and over on the television we watched those planes crashing into the towers. It was unreal. I remember wondering what effect would this have on the world. How would it change our lives? Would there be more attacks? Would there be war? Would there be fighting in the streets of <ST1<st1:country-region w:st="on">America</st1:country-region></ST1? How could this happen? I remember being angry and wondering why people had to do these things to each other: why couldn’t people just live and let live?
<O</O
Two weeks later, life in the <st1:country-region w:st="on"><ST1United States of America</ST1</st1:country-region> was continuing on. While everyone was still in shock and grappling with the ramifications of just what this would mean and how it would affect the future of our country, there’d been no more attacks, nor did it appear there would be fighting on American soil, at least not in the immediate future. My friends and I continued with our preparations for the big race.
<O</O
<O</O

 

[darrell]

On the morning of September 30, 2001, I kissed my wife Liane at the front door, mounted my bike, and started riding east. Liane had planned a little family mini-vacation to Kartchner Caverns, and I was working in one last long training ride before the race. The plan was for Liane to give me a couple hours head start; then she would load up the kids and follow after me in our family car, and I would stop riding whenever she caught up with me. I figured on getting in close to a hundred miles.
<O</O
It was calm, clear and starting to get hot when I left the house, a typical day in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

<ST1Arizona</ST1</st1:State> for that time of year. I’d ridden maybe ten miles when a headwind started to blow; the wind was blowing out of the east directly into my face which slowed my pace considerably. I pushed myself hard because I was motivated to get in a fast ride, but the wind just kept blowing harder. The day became overcast and gray, and at times the wind blew with gale force. It seemed to me that all the very forces of nature were conspiring to keep me from my goal, but I continued to push forward.
<O</O
I reached Picacho and turned onto the access road that parallels the stretch of Interstate 10 between <st1:City w:st="on">Phoenix</st1:City> and <st1:City w:st="on"><ST1Tucson</ST1</st1:City>. All the traffic was on the interstate highway which made the frontage road ideal for cycling. After a few miles, I heard a horn honking and looked over to see Liane waving from our bright green economy wagon on the interstate. She drove ahead to the <ST1<st1laceName w:st="on">Picacho</st1laceName> <st1laceType w:st="on">Peak</st1laceType></ST1 exit, turned around, and a few minutes later I saw her driving toward me. Liane turned the car around and parked on the side of that straight stretch of empty road. I stopped, looked ahead and behind, and there wasn’t another car for as far as I could see – we seemed to have the road to ourselves. I proceeded to load my bike onto the roof rack, get cleaned up and change out of my riding clothes.

I was sitting in the front passenger seat putting on my shoes when a truck came barreling down the road and hit our little car. Dusty, who was three at the time, literally escaped with just a scratch (later we found a tiny cut on the top of his round head). Liane and I both had what turned out to be very minor injuries. Johnny, who was six years old, died of his injuries on the side of that road.

 

[darrell]

Chapter 9
<O</O
Before I continue on with my story, please believe me, my friends, that I am not sharing these things with you to gain sympathy, because as I will soon testify, God in His inexhaustible Mercy brought hope and joy back into my life. But in order to see how the Lord saved me, first you must understand how my spirit was crushed, how I had fallen into a seemingly inescapable pit of darkness.
<O</O
“My son is dead.†This was my first thought upon waking the next morning after the accident, and it would be my first thought for many months to come. I was entering into a terrible period of grief, but the worst darkness was still to come; at that point I was really more in shock as the reality had not yet sunk in.
<O</O
After being released from the emergency room the previous afternoon, we had finally contacted some friends, Nuni and Imelda, who came to drive us home. It seemed like hours before they got there (although I’m sure it was nowhere near that long), and it was a long ride home. Dusty asked, “Where’s Johnny?†I didn’t know how to answer him. Dusty didn’t want to go to bed without his brother, so we lied down on the floor of the living room, exhausted, and at some point we both finally went to sleep. Later, Liane told me that she spent the entire night walking up and down the streets of our neighborhood!
<O</O
That first day, Liane and I began to call relatives and friends and tell them the news. I remember walking with Liane over to our neighbor’s house, and I watched the tears roll down Pat’s cheeks. Her teenage daughter, Christine, who had babysat for Johnny since he was a baby, stood there, a look of shock and disbelief on her face. I called my supervisor at work, and when I said the words, “My boy is dead,†I broke down for the first time. I don’t think I had shed tears a half-dozen times in the previous twenty years, but soon I wouldn’t be able to stop crying.
<O</O
There was light in the darkness, and that light shone through the outpouring of love from family, friends and coworkers. Liane’s M.O.M.S. group (Ministry of Mothers Sharing) was incredible: they jumped right in and cleaned the house, organized meals and answered the phone which seemed to be ringing nonstop. My sister Vera and my sister-in-law Kathi drove around looking at cemeteries, and found one they thought we would like: QUEEN OF <ST1<?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

HEAVEN</st1laceName> <st1laceType w:st="on">CEMETERY</st1laceType></ST1. Liane and I went to look, and we chose a spot in the Queen of Peace section. At the time, I didn’t know the significance of the title, but later it would come to be very meaningful to me. People brought food, and people gave money – it was incredible. To everyone who helped, I say thank you.
<O</O
One of our parish priests came to the house: Father Jim Wall was a newcomer to St. Timothy’s, and we hadn’t met him before. He didn’t say much, but he asked what happened. He wanted to know what Johnny looked like, and Liane showed him one of her beautiful scrapbooks with pictures of our family. Father Jim was quite tickled by Dusty’s swing which we had hanging in the archway of our living room. Dusty would yell, “Higher! Higher!†and I would push him until his toes actually touched the ceiling.

 

[darrell]

Late that night, I sat in front of the computer thinking of everything my son meant to me, of everything I wanted to tell him, if only I could, of the future that had been taken from him, of how very much he meant to me, and I wrote this letter:
<O</O
Johnny,
A lot of thought went into your name because we loved you so much, even before you were born. John is your grandfather’s name, and it was the name of my favorite great uncle. Also, from Star Trek’s Jeane Luc Piccard – an admirable man, if only a fictional one. Luc Leblanc was the World Cycling Champion the year before your birth.
John Luc Bowles. A pretty solid name, I think. When you were a baby, I used to hold you and rock you at night, and I sang, “Johnny is my baby boy.†I was overwhelmed by emotion I never thought I would have.
I think everyone who knew you would admit that you were a truly good spirit. You had a genuinely kind soul. You were only six years old; you were SO Small, but already you were a big person. You had your faults, as we all do. Sometimes you didn’t want to share your toys with your little brother, and sometimes you locked him out of your room. This is the worst I can think of. Your smile radiated joy. You were just beginning to blossom. Every day, I watched with amazement as you grew and learned new things. I wondered at your potential. When you were only three years old, you loved baseball. You learned to pitch the ball by watching the big league pitchers on TV. You had the motion down perfectly. You even stuck your tongue in your cheek so it looked like a wad of tobacco. You were incredible, and I wondered at your potential. This past Fourth of July, you rode your bike without training wheels for the first time. You were so proud.
You just got your yellow belt in Taekwondo. I was amazed at your beautiful high round kicks. I had no doubt that you would get your black belt. Maybe some day you would have been a karate instructor? Or maybe you would go to the Olympics? I wondered at your potential. Only last week in school, you were named Student of the Month. You were so proud. I was so proud. The last few months, I watched your confidence and independence grow. You were learning to read and had just started learning Spanish. You liked math. One night, you told me you had a math test the next day, and you sat down to study by your own initiative. That blew me away. Your imagination was a joy for me to behold. You loved to draw pictures and build with your Lego’s. You loved Star Wars, Power Rangers and Batman. You loved to make up stories and draw pictures or make plays about them with your Lego’s and action figures. Never again will you play, or wrestle, or take a bath with or fight with your little brother. Never again will he be able to crawl in bed with you. What an incredible loss… We told you, “You are special,†and oh, how your face lit up! The world was a much better place when you were here. You were taken away so senselessly and now our hearts are broken. We will never know what you would grow up to become and accomplish. We know it would have been really something, and we can only wonder at your lost potential. Johnny, my son, my sweet, sweet boy, you were truly a shining star. We love you, and we miss you so much already. Peace be with you.
<O</O

 

[darrell]

At the funeral Mass, Father Jim turned and looked me in the eye and said, “His potential is not lost; he’s doing God’s work now.†I remember thinking that I didn’t know if I believed that. I realized that if there was no God, if this earthly life was all there was and there was no afterlife, then everything that my son had been was now gone. The little baby boy that I had held in my arms and gave me such joy, the little boy who used to call, “Hey Dad, watch this!†no longer existed. My son was dead… My son was dead…
<O</O
For about a week, there wasn’t time really to dwell on things; between relatives staying with us and a constant stream of visitors and well-wishers, and making arrangements and the funeral, it was just too busy. But people had jobs and families and responsibilities to get back to, and soon the relatives went back home and the stream of visitors slowed and I found myself with time to think about things. Originally, I thought that it would hurt for a while, but then things would go back to the way they were. But I was beginning to understand that wasn’t the case. I went out for a walk one afternoon, and I suddenly realized that things were never going to be the same.

 

[darrell]

Chapter 10
<O</O
As I would come to see down the road, none of us have cornered the market on suffering in this life, everyone has grief or sorrows or injustice or hard times (although it sure doesn’t seem to get dished out very equitably). Jesus told us we would have trouble in this life – it’s a fallen world after all. But Jesus has conquered sin and death, and we can trust that He has made things right in eternity. In this life we can count on some suffering, but none of us here have to go through it alone, not if we don’t choose to. We’re all of us God’s children; we’re all of us brothers and sisters. God is very good to have given us each other, to help each other and take care of each other, that we may learn to love as He is love; and that’s what the Lord expects from us: with the help of the Holy Spirit to knock down the walls we’ve built between each other, to stop focusing on our own little selves and look out at a world full of our brothers and sisters who need our help, and as my friend Hopper put it, to “help lift someone to God.â€<O</O
<O</O
It’s true that if we have faith, death is no reason for despair. As my wise friend Dave said, if “we are steeped in God and we have our faith, we go on!†If I had truly believed in my heart, then I could have trusted in Father Jim’s words that Johnny was “doing God’s work now,â€but my faith was not strong. For most of my adult life, the better part of over twenty years, I had gone my own way, trusting in my own judgment, and deciding for myself what was right and wrong. Even though at times I was seeking, I had always fallen back into the secular world when God hadn’t responded to me the way I had wanted Him to. Even after I had joined the Holy Catholic Church, again I had backslidden. After half a lifetime, I was still a man filled with doubts and questions, the answers to which I really hadn’t pursued, not really, because I had been too busy pursuing my own selfish glory. I didn’t have a strong faith, and therefore I didn’t have hope in eternity.

 

[darrell]

I entered into a terrible period of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and guilt – I went through all of it. Back on the day Johnny died, in those first minutes after the collision, I realized pretty quickly that my son was very seriously injured, and I was struck with a sense of terror and panic and helplessness. The driver of the truck that hit us walked over to our car. “What happened?†I asked him. “Why did you hit us?â€
<O</O
“I didn’t see you,†he said matter-of-factly. He didn’t see us? How could he not see us? How could he not see a bright green car parked on the side of a straight stretch of empty road? “How can I help?†he asked. Help? Help? If he wanted to help he could have driven more carefully! He could have not run into us!
<O</O
Enraged, I yelled at him, “You’ve hurt my son! Get away! Get the f### away from my family!†Thank God he walked away from me; otherwise, I might not have been able to control myself. Later, when I learned that Johnny was dead, I wanted to kill that man. I wanted to jump on him and beat him and beat him. He had killed my son.
<O</O
I never saw that man again after that day, never even talked to him. He never called us to apologize to Liane for killing our son. To my knowledge, he never expressed any accountability or remorse, and I harbored a lot of anger toward him for a long time. I wanted to confront him, to grab him and shake him and hurt him the way he had hurt us. I wanted to make him feel what I felt, and I wanted him to tell me why he had done this – as if that would have made things any better.
<O</O
Much later (months or years I really can’t remember), after I came to have faith and had begun to follow Jesus, I began to think of this man differently. I realized that he almost certainly hadn’t done this intentionally; he hadn’t climbed into his truck that day intending to kill a six-year-old boy. He may in fact have been riddled with guilt and torment beyond what I could imagine. I didn’t know. What I did realize is that I had to find it in my heart to forgive the man. Jesus tells us we must “forgive those who trespass against us,†and I did. I let go of all my anger toward this man, and I forgave him and offered him up to the Lord. But that was much later; for months after the accident, I was still in a very dark place.

 

[darrell]

Initially, I thought that it would hurt really badly for a while, but then things would gradually go back to the way they were. Then one afternoon, I was out for a walk and reality hit me hard, but that didn’t stop the denial. Parents don’t expect their children to die before they do. I always knew it was a real possibility that I would die young as both my father and grandfather died of heart attacks at a young age, but I never really thought that one of my sons would be killed. Of course, it’s every parent’s greatest fear that something horrible might happen to their children. How could this happen?I kept asking myself. How could something like this happen?
<O</O
Upon waking in the mornings, my first thought was of Johnny. Seems I remember going to his room thinking I would see him sleeping there, hoping it had all been just a bad dream, but knowing, fearing, that it really wasn’t. Then seeing his empty bed, which hadn’t been slept in, looking around at his things, and wanting so much to see him and hold him and talk to him…
<O</O
I suspect many people (maybe most people) go through life with this uneasy kind of awareness that really bad things happen (and they could happen to you), but most likely they will probably happen to somebody else. And we go along like that… until one day, a truck comes barreling down the road, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it or change it; you don’t even see it coming, and it shatters your world.
<O</O
Liane came to me one morning not long after Johnny died; she had a smile on her face, and she told me she’d had a dream. She said it was unlike any other dream she’s ever had. “It was so real,†she told me. She said that Johnny came to her, and he sat on her lap and she held him. He told her that he was going to get wings, and then he told her he had to go now.

 

[darrell]

Chapter 11
<O</O
My friend Terry asked if Liane’s dream had encouraged me and had it given me any hope. I was relieved that the dream definitely made a huge difference in Liane’s perspective; all at once, it gave her a certain acceptance and peace. As for me, however, it wasn’t enough. There were others who said they had dreams about Johnny, and this left me feeling somewhat perplexed and angry. Johnny was my son, after all: why didn’t he come to me in a dream? I was left with the same questions and doubts I’d had for the last twenty years. I wanted to know. Like my Confirmation Saint, Thomas the Apostle, I wouldn’t believe until I saw for myself. I was in torment.
<O</O
I kept asking myself how could this happen. My every waking moment was a whirlwind of confusion, shock and denial; my mind groped for understanding. How could this happen?
<O</O
It was my fault: that was the answer I came up with. Somehow, it was my fault; after all, I was his father. I was supposed to take care of him and protect him… and I had failed. Soon I was racked with guilt. I began going over that day Johnny was killed, and the weeks leading up to it, trying to figure out where I had gone wrong, what I could have done differently (as if I could go back and change it). Then I began thinking of everything I had ever done wrong in my life. Surely I had failed somewhere for this to have happened. Was I being punished? Did Johnny die because of my sins?