Parenting Young Adults

[Mike]

Our son will be 20 in October, our older daughter just turned 17, and our youngest daughter is 14. We've entered this new phase of life where our oldest is technically an adult. He'll be going away for his 2nd year of college in August, but he's fully dependent on us financially (and to replace the toilet paper roll when it's empty).

This was the kid whose teachers and pastors always pegged to be a pastor one day. He went to kindergarten knowing more scripture than most kids at his Christian school. Into his teens, he's lost focus on the Lord, and now it breaks my heart to see him absorbed in the world. His music, movies, long hair, black rock t-shirts, etc. I know for certain he's not into alcohol or drugs, and that's not just a parent's oblivious blindfolds, but he looks the part.

He says he believes what we believe. We were talking last night about choosing where we stand in this world In light of this latest avalanche by the LGBT. He says he's planted on firm foundation of Faith, but you'd never know it. He's not in the Word, and I see no evidence that it's a part of his life.

Our oldest daughter has the classic pretty blonde appearance, and she too has her mind on worldly things. Our youngest is the faith mountain, just fascinated by things of God.

I know it can be a phase of life when young adults lose focus, but it's concerning. Every morning, I include them in my devotions. I pray He moves them in some small way today and keeps moving them down His path throughout their lives. I also pray that he gives me wisdom to connect with and counsel them. I try to discuss faith matters when we're together, but especially with the 19 year old, I don't feel quite as empowered to say what he can and can't do. Yes, he's living under our roof, but I want him to make good choices rather than banging heads and me forcing it. I do insist that we all worship together.

Anyone have experience in this fun? Anyone have things they've found were effective in holding them in faith?

 

[Abigail123]

I have two boys, 22 and 19, and an 18 year old young man who is just like my son, they all live with me and the 2 older ones attend college.

I think it's normal for them to do what your kids are doing. We would love it if they were showing Fruit all the time, but honestly they would make poor witnesses to the world if they didn't experience some of it. It's difficult to relate to non believers if you can't relate to them on some level.

Who does God use to witness to addicts? Addicts He has healed.

God will use our children to be great witnesses one day! That's how I see it anyway.

**Apologies for typos, I'm on my phone.

God bless!

 

[WIP]

Mike,

Do you see your son's maturity matching his age? In other words do you feel he has a pretty good head on his shoulders? Did you do your best to teach him as he grew up? I suspect the answer to these questions is yes.

There comes a time in every parent’s life when we must cut the umbilical cord. At 20 years old, your son is an adult and in our society you have no legal grounds for any control over his life and you are no longer held responsible for his actions. Take comfort in knowing you did your best to teach him what he needed to know. He is now in a life stage where he is probably questioning some of that teaching. You and I both know what that is like, we went through that stage as well.

I’ve always believed there are two types of parents. Type 1 feels their job is to protect their children from all harm no matter what. Type 2 feels their job is to teach their children to protect themselves. I believe I am a type 2 parent and I think you are too. Trust in yourself, trust him, and trust in God.

Pray for your son that God will work in his life to lead him on the path He has planned for him. Always remain the rock he can fall back on and be ready to be there with open arms should he come to you in need.

 

[Brother Mike]

Mike................ Gotta lt go man. WIP is right.

Might do good to compliment him on some of those rock shirts, I don't listen to metal anymore, but a big Metallica fan at one time.

I am not sure how your kids where brought up, but I mostly see this type of thing in family's that always focus on living right for God, and Being a witness with your life. Kid's buy into that for a time, but most of what they are taught is what God expects out of them. God becomes some deity in a book they believe is real, but only in the book, not in their own life.

My children see the power of God in my life and my wife's. They have seen people healed, and seen God speak to me and it's so. Lot's of kids just get God all their life, no power. When they get older, God gets more distant to them, as all they were taught is what God likes and don't likes. Kids' are not taught how to hear the Holy Spirit, Mom and Dad should be teaching that.

However, I also know lots of folks who grew up always hearing about God, but not seeing much of God.(I am one of them) They stick with God, because the seed is planted. It still works out just fine, but God takes that and reveals himself as real to them. God will, Every single time.

Pro_22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it

You did your job, no more judging, or cohering your son to join. Time to believe that no matter what your son does, This scripture still comes to pass. Let God do his Job.

As I told my son I stood in faith with the terminal cancer. When you get older, if something like this comes again, its between you and God, I am out of the picture and will agree with you, but you stay rooted.

Don't force your son to say things He thinks you want to hear. It's not right. That's not me saying that.

Mike

 

[Mike]

Thanks for the responses. Very encouraging and convicting. I've always remembered something I heard James Dobson say a few times. If children are brought up in the faith, there is a likelihood that they will wander some during this time of transition to adulthood, but there will be a return to their roots of faith that was planted and nourished earlier on.

Believe me... I don't hammer on them. Brother Mike you had an important point about not trying to force anything from them that I want to hear. I don't think I do that. I try to observe from a distance the things that they do, the media they listen to, etc. Our daughter is a budding artist. At 16, she designed a website logo for someone and narrated a series of children's books soon to be released. Cool! So cool, but it would be great to see faith bleed into her inspiration and paint pictures that indicate that her heart and mind are sometimes on the Lord.

I can't imagine ever letting go to the point that their faith is not one of the most important things to me, but I do need to let the Lord continue the work He has done in their hearts.

 

[Mike]

One more thing. Recent societal developments have been difficult to witness, but they have presented opportunity for discussion. I noticed our son's profile picture on Facebook was recently updated with a rainbow watermark. We talked about finding that place where we don't chastise the homosexual community or label them as damned, but we decide where we will stand and show the world where that place is. Don't attack that community, but don't give the impression that you support the lifestyle.

He said he heard some singer named LaCray (??) say how the same Bible that forbids it also forbids certain foods, says ladies must cover their hair, and supports slavery. These were easy to rebut, but I shouldn't have responded that way. I thought later that I should have asked him what his response was. If he felt that statement had any kind of merit, his response should have been to turn to scripture himself and know. This is the perfect example of a time when being in and knowing the Word is invaluable.

There is the quote sometimes attributed to Winston Churchill that says: If you're young and not a liberal, you have no heart. If you're older and not a conservative, you have no brain." I think there is something to that.

 

[Brother Mike]

One more thing. Recent societal developments have been difficult to witness, but they have presented opportunity for discussion. I noticed our son's profile picture on Facebook was recently updated with a rainbow watermark. We talked about finding that place where we don't chastise the homosexual community or label them as damned, but we decide where we will stand and show the world where that place is. Don't attack that community, but don't give the impression that you support the lifestyle.

Mike, why do you keep mentioning Homosexual? This is about your Son Brother. What is really bothering your heart? It almost seems as if your justifying something to close your eyes to. There are answers, there is help. You mention a rainbow water mark........ What's going on inside.

 

[WIP]

One more thing. Recent societal developments have been difficult to witness, but they have presented opportunity for discussion. I noticed our son's profile picture on Facebook was recently updated with a rainbow watermark. We talked about finding that place where we don't chastise the homosexual community or label them as damned, but we decide where we will stand and show the world where that place is. Don't attack that community, but don't give the impression that you support the lifestyle.

He said he heard some singer named LaCray (??) say how the same Bible that forbids it also forbids certain foods, says ladies must cover their hair, and supports slavery. These were easy to rebut, but I shouldn't have responded that way. I thought later that I should have asked him what his response was. If he felt that statement had any kind of merit, his response should have been to turn to scripture himself and know. This is the perfect example of a time when being in and knowing the Word is invaluable.

There is the quote sometimes attributed to Winston Churchill that says: If you're young and not a liberal, you have no heart. If you're older and not a conservative, you have no brain." I think there is something to that.

Standing up to attack from non-believers can be a real challenge even for the most seasoned theologian. I think this is because our first gut reaction is to give an immediate response. None of us have the Scriptures memorized and we are all a various levels of maturity in our faith so there's nothing wrong with simply stating, "I would like to take some time to research and give you a complete answer."

 

[Mike]

Brother Mike Don't read too much into that. I don't think I mentioned it a lot. If I do, it's only because it's front & center in the media these days. Kind of a hot topic.

WIP I agree. He saw a video. I was just saying his response after seeing it shouldn't have been to think he may have a point. It should have been to seek the truth for himself in scripture. People who are combative toward our faith often take that approach. Being in the Word is so important when you hear such criticism.

 

[Brother Mike]

Brother Mike Don't read too much into that. I don't think I mentioned it a lot. If I do, it's only because it's front & center in the media these days. Kind of a hot topic.

WIP I agree. He saw a video. I was just saying his response after seeing it shouldn't have been to think he may have a point. It should have been to seek the truth for himself in scripture. People who are combative toward our faith often take that approach. Being in the Word is so important when you hear such criticism.

So no concern about your Son and Homosexuality, not small question in your mind, never crossed your mind at all. This is about your son, not what is going on in the Media. If you say so, then all good.

the only thing that bothers me is that the house wife can come home, see the other women underwear, and think. When did I buy these? My Mom might have brought them over and they are a size to small anyway. My Husband is a great man, He has been working late, and even going on extra business trips to bring in more money.

You have the Victory Mike.

 

[Mike]

What was that about, Mike?

 

[WIP]

Brother Mike Don't read too much into that. I don't think I mentioned it a lot. If I do, it's only because it's front & center in the media these days. Kind of a hot topic.

WIP I agree. He saw a video. I was just saying his response after seeing it shouldn't have been to think he may have a point. It should have been to seek the truth for himself in scripture. People who are combative toward our faith often take that approach. Being in the Word is so important when you hear such criticism.

Yes, I can see where that would raise concern in your heart. It would in mine too. If he was talking to you about that then that would be a great opportunity to be there and reinforce his understanding and how to look at things.

My son will be 33 this month and was not raised in my home and his mother is atheist. I see much that needs to be talked about to him and I have been finding it very difficult to get a foot in the door. I remember one time a while back he basically told me that he is not a believer and doesn't want to be preached to. So at this time I feel my best witness is to show the love of Jesus to him as best I can.

Our oldest daughter is now 21 and lives with her boyfriend. She knows how we feel about it and that it is wrong but, I'm concerned that if we began to hammer her about it, it would drive a wedge between us and we'd lose all opportunity for witnessing to her. We try to witness to her by our actions and so far she still goes with us to church when she is home. Maybe she does it out of respect for us but for now I'm okay with that because any exposure to Jesus is better than no exposure.

Our youngest daughter is now 19 and she is quite the opposite. She has already shared with us that she told her boyfriend that she plans to save herself for marriage and asked if that was okay with him. They are still together almost a year since. She is known at her college as a "good girl" and she is happy with that. I hear her correcting her friends when they use colorful language. She refuses to touch alcohol or drugs.

You just never know how things will turn out I guess.

 

[Brother Mike]

What was that about, Mike?

Well then we will move along.

There is a couple prayers by the Holy Spirit, the power of the Word of God Paul prayed. They have to be mighty and effective or Paul would have never prayed them.

Cease not to give thanks for you, making mention of you in my prayers; That the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give unto you (My Son) the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of him: The eyes of your (My Son) understanding being enlightened; that ye (HE) may know what is the hope of his calling, and what the riches of the glory of his inheritance in the saints, And what is the exceeding greatness of his power to us-ward (MY SON) who believe, according to the working of his mighty power, Which he wrought in Christ, when he raised him from the dead, and set him at his own right hand in the heavenly places,
(Eph 1:16-20)

For this cause we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you,(My Son) and to desire that ye might be filled with the knowledge of his will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; That ye (MY SON) might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God; Strengthened with all might, according to his glorious power, unto all patience and longsuffering with joyfulness; Giving thanks unto the Father, which hath made us meet to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in light: Who hath delivered us (MY SON) from the power of darkness, and hath translated us into the kingdom of his dear Son: In whom we have redemption through his blood, even the forgiveness of sins:
(Col 1:9-14)

These are not a believe and receive prayer, these are a cease not prayer. The amazing thing, God's Word never returns void, not one time.

blessings.

 

[stovebolts]

Our son will be 20 in October, our older daughter just turned 17, and our youngest daughter is 14. We've entered this new phase of life where our oldest is technically an adult. He'll be going away for his 2nd year of college in August, but he's fully dependent on us financially (and to replace the toilet paper roll when it's empty).

This was the kid whose teachers and pastors always pegged to be a pastor one day. He went to kindergarten knowing more scripture than most kids at his Christian school. Into his teens, he's lost focus on the Lord, and now it breaks my heart to see him absorbed in the world. His music, movies, long hair, black rock t-shirts, etc. I know for certain he's not into alcohol or drugs, and that's not just a parent's oblivious blindfolds, but he looks the part.

He says he believes what we believe. We were talking last night about choosing where we stand in this world In light of this latest avalanche by the LGBT. He says he's planted on firm foundation of Faith, but you'd never know it. He's not in the Word, and I see no evidence that it's a part of his life.

Our oldest daughter has the classic pretty blonde appearance, and she too has her mind on worldly things. Our youngest is the faith mountain, just fascinated by things of God.

I know it can be a phase of life when young adults lose focus, but it's concerning. Every morning, I include them in my devotions. I pray He moves them in some small way today and keeps moving them down His path throughout their lives. I also pray that he gives me wisdom to connect with and counsel them. I try to discuss faith matters when we're together, but especially with the 19 year old, I don't feel quite as empowered to say what he can and can't do. Yes, he's living under our roof, but I want him to make good choices rather than banging heads and me forcing it. I do insist that we all worship together.

Anyone have experience in this fun? Anyone have things they've found were effective in holding them in faith?

Yeah, I know exactly what your talking about, but I would add that if he looks the part, he's living the part. Don't be nieve to think he isn't doing drugs or alcholol. He's got you pegged.
Don't freak out... your not going to stop him, but at least he respects you enough to hide it well from you.

As for the why, I've been asking the same question of my son... it's actually kinda simple. It's about peer attachment, and all of our kids are subject to it. We actually promote it and we don't even realize we're promoting it... .and we don't realize the harm we're doing.

I've got a great audio book I'll give you... it's been an eye opener to me and it gives practical advice.

 

[Mike]

StoveBolts I'd love to get that audio book!

I'm leaving chance that we are oblivious to what he's doing right under our noses, but he exhibits no signs of doing drugs. He hangs out with us at night. When he does go out, he sits down and spends time with us when he comes home. It just doesn't add up.

Julie found an email from him to one of his profs at school asking if he could choose the topic "Living Straight Edge" for a term paper. He describes this as a dedication to live alcohol, drug, and tobacco free. It was on his school email, and he never said anything about it. We have access to his school account, so Julie just stumbled upon it.

The Playstation 4 is his drug of choice, from what I can tell.

 

[stovebolts]

I'm generally rolling through 59 at 8 am and about 5:30 pm. We could meet at lunch too if that works for you.

 

[Mike]

Getting out of the office for lunch is nearly impossible these days, but maybe in a few months. We could meet along 59 for dinner sometime if you don't have to get right home. I'll try and call you around 5:30 tomorrow, but go ahead and call me too. I thought you've been working (censored) for the past 9 months. That wouldn't put you on 59.

 

[reba]

Lord i pray you bless these men... as they lift their families before You.. Grant them, wisdom, guidance, and confirmation of Your Word... Open the hearts of the wives and mothers to see the fathers hurt and respond in kind...
Luk 11:5 And he said unto them, Which of you shall have a friend, and shall go unto him at midnight, and say unto him, Friend, lend me three loaves;
Luk 11:6 For a friend of mine in his journey is come to me, and I have nothing to set before him?
Luk 11:7 And he from within shall answer and say, Trouble me not: the door is now shut, and my children are with me in bed; I cannot rise and give thee.
Luk 11:8 I say unto you, Though he will not rise and give him, because he is his friend, yet because of his importunity he will rise and give him as many as he needeth.
Luk 11:9 And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.
Luk 11:10 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
Luk 11:11 If a son shall ask bread of any of you that is a father, will he give him a stone? or if he ask a fish, will he for a fish give him a serpent?
Luk 11:12 Or if he shall ask an egg, will he offer him a scorpion?
Luk 11:13 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children: how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him?

 

[Mike]

reba Thank you.

Little children can cause their parents worry, but usual they're for little problems. Big children, bigger problems, greater implications when they make poor decisions. And for the most part, all we can do is observe, suggest, and pray. Every single morning in my devotions, I ask Him to wake them with His presence. One day, I know He'll do it.