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[ Testimony ] Personal Testimony Pt. 2

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  • -Part 2: Finally Adult-


Having spent almost all my adolescence and teenage years in institutions and facilities, I had promised myself that when I turned 18 I was going to go out and see/experience the world. For a couple years I traveled with a door to door sales company, selling magazines, books, and other publications. We were paid 20$ a day IF we made our sales quota; but we had to pay $17.50 per night for our share of the hotel room fees, and were required to make a $3 bet each day to promote competition and inspire greater effort in sales. If you do the math, I actually lost 50 cents per day working. The only way to eat, clothe and provide for myself was to hustle, lie, cheat people, steal, or sell drugs. That being said, I stayed on for so long because I liked the travel, seeing new places, meeting new people, and the constant "party," atmosphere. We would go to one city for a week or two, work it's suburbs and move on so no city ever really got boring.

At some point I just couldn't take it anymore, and wanted to quit; to return to my home state, and try to start over. Little did I realize, quitting was not an approved action; and upon resignation I was kicked from the hotel room I'd helped pay for-forced to figure things out on my own. I was 19, I knew nobody where I was, and I was stranded in Tuscon Arizona; with no ID, no money, and just two duffel bags full of clothing. I had virtually no family to speak of, and the childhood in facilities had left me little room to make friends; so I was alone and without any resource. So I hitchhiked back.

Thirty-six hours later, having walked through the desert along I10 to the point of exhaustion and near dehydration; I finally got a lift. It took me close to three weeks to make it back to the sinkhole I had always called home. Once there, my problems did not simply go away. Over the next several years I found myself homeless and stranded in St. Louis, New Orleans, Chicago, San Diego, Phoenix, Memphis, and other places. I was addicted to drugs; not "A," drug, but any drug. I had no prejudice, if it was in front of me I did it. I stole, I vandalized, I hurt people, I used people, I did anything I wanted, and I did it without regret or hesitation. I simply had become so jaded and calloused that I didn't care.

My only motivation was to make others as miserable in suffering as I had been in the tragic farce of my life. I made it a focal point to especially hurt, belittle, bash, abuse and compromise Christians. I often would be proactive; seeking opportunity to kill the spirit of these deceptive believers who preached an imaginary tale of a loving Father in heaven. In my experience fathers hated their children, abandoned them, abused them, and sought to completely destroy them; if not merely create endless suffering. Thus, it was easy to condemn this message of Christians as a load of hogwash.

What's more, each believer that tried to witness to me left swearing, cursing, threatening violence, being violent, casting condemnation, and even a few competely fell way from Christ on my account. In those cases my defiant, hateful, and bitter nature held stronger than their superfluous show of love and grace. I hated God, hated man, hated society, hated anyone who had any kind of joy or contentment in life; and I displayed that quite extravagantly. For many years my life continued this course as history repeated itself time and time again. New place..new people...it didn't matter; I was a worthless, hopeless soul hell bent on returning the hard knocks life had given me. I had no desire to change, and greatly looked forward to a death that would bring at least some measure of peace and fulfilment to what could scarcely be called life.

Then in May of 2002 things took an unexpected and dramatic turn; one that would redirect the course of my life entirely. I was traveling to a rainbow festival, which was basically a gathering of hippies and society's outcasts with the intention of getting majorly high and partying. However, I never made it there. One of the ladies I was traveling with came across a friend she hadn't seen in years in a small Arkansas town, and we went to visit with that woman.

Shortly after arriving at her trailer, her significant other came barreling in the door, violent, loud and abusive to the woman and a child under the age of 2. After a period of yelling, arguing and general chaos; the man collected some belongings and left, still spewing threats and other vulgar things. I'd like to point out that given my childhood, this situation caused no small bit of anger to surface. It brought the old, familiar demons right to the surface again.

The woman broke down completely, and began insisting she would simply grab her child and vanish; she just could not take his abuse and violence anymore. Oddly, I was the voice of reason; telling her not to make a hasty decision out of the intensity of her emotions. Instead, I suggested she should rather go into town with one of my friends, cool off and get her mind right; then return and make a less hasty decision as to what to do. I assured her that I and the other lady I was with would look after her child; so she could have the freedom to simply “get away,” from the situation and gather herself. Especially since she was on the verge of being a single parent, it was critical that she think clearly before committing to any action. She admitted it made sense and went into town as suggested.

For a little while things seemed calm, and little man was no trouble at all. We watched some veggie tales, then went to the nearby lakeside and tormented some poor frogs and turtles for a bit. They were thoroughly unprepared for his enthusiastic will to chase them to no end! Then we returned to the trailer, and the kid shortly fell asleep watching cartoons. Yet this period of calm was simply the eye of the storm as it turned out; as the man soon after returned, barged in the door, and began threatening my life and health. I was conflicted; unwilling to simply leave the child with this man, but as he was a resident we really had no legal right to be there if he insisted we leave. In the end, we had to leave when he kept insisting we go; or die. So we left, killed time for an hour and returned; my hope being to gather my other friend and hit the bricks before the situation got any worse. Yet this was not to be, as things continued to snowball further into an even more dangerous and unenviable situation.

When we returned the man was sitting in his van, parked in front of the trailer; a beer in hand, a pile of empties before him, and a pile of unopened in the seat next to him. He immediately jumped down from his seat and pointed in my direction, saying; " She can go inside...but don't you even think about going near my trailer! " I looked at my companion and told her we should just get our friend and get out of there; so she wasted no time as she went back inside the trailer.

Moments later, the man again points at me and starts telling me to come over and talk with him. The last thing I had any desire for was to interact with the man; but I knew that when an irate drunk expects something, it only further instigates the situation if one doesn't oblige. I know, because I too have been in that mentality; so I went over to see what wonderful surprise was awaiting me next. Apparently he had been dumped, kicked out and banned from returning; but he insisted it was all because of me. As it turns out, I did not change the child's diaper, and according to him; that was the sole cause of his deplorable situation. So he insisted I go inside and tell the woman it was my fault, not his. Needless to say, it's quite likely there were many more critical motivating factors behind her decision to be rid of him; but arguing with an angry drunk never results in anything of benefit.

So I went inside, and I told the lady she needed to lock the door, call the police, and let this man go detox in jail at the very least. Here I am, a drug addict, with little or no concern for anything or anyone, just as likely to get incarcerated as anyone else; and I'm the one advising police action. Ironic. Sadly, her response is silent refusal to act in any manner; and moments later the man comes in again. Again he is violent, threatening all of us,even the child; finally demanding I come outside and take a beating, as he exited still gripping the tire iron that apparently had a reservation with my skull.

For posterity's sake I must clarify; I did not know this man, I'd not said a cross word nor done anything against him. However, as the only male there it seemed I was the convenient scapegoat for all his rage and frustration. I took a long look at the ladies, then at the child, remembering the horror I experienced when I was young; the abuse mom also endured. Then I said, " If he comes in one more time trying to hurt anyone, I WILL stab him. "

Sure enough, he did come back in, he did get violent, he did try to hurt us; and true to my word, I sure did stab him. Twice. Once in the arm, and once in the torso. Stumbling back trying to hold in the blood spraying out like a fire hose gone mad; he looks at me with a shocked look, saying, " You stabbed me!" I simply replied, "Damn right I stabbed you! Now get the hell outside before I do it again! I don't want to kill you but I will!"

So he stumbled backwards, falling out the door; and lost consciousness as his life poured out. The woman who lived there simply shook in silent shock, one of my friends just openly stared at me with an oddly blank expression; the other being a nurse, went out to try to see to the man. Meanwhile, the impact of what had happened began to seep in through the adrenaline and rage, and something very peculiar occurred. I didn't rsp the weight and sinificance at the time; but something miraculous was happening.
 
Right. I was confined in each post space-wise so this was an inconvenient place to transition...but it all comes together.
 
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