SHINY4UJESUS
Member
I had not been in any church since too young to clearly recall, I had never read a bible, and all of what I knew about Jesus was His name. Well, that and the general concept of who He was; what he allegedly had done for man. Yet as I looked down on blood covered hands, everything else went away for a timeless moment; and I received direct revelation of Christ in it's purest and most powerful form, straight from the Spirit. In that moment, God revealed to me that it wasn't just this man's blood and life on my hands, but Jesus' blood. Every sinful thought, action, intention steamrolled through my mind instantly, yet individually clear; and I realized that each thing was a hammer stroke as the nails drove through Jesus' flesh. I didn't merely stab a human, I had stabbed, and killed Jesus just as much. What's more is that I had done it again, and again.
For a moment I stumbled over to the sink, semi-consciously trying to remove the blood from my hands, but it simply wouldn't go away. It was as though it was permanently stained into my flesh. Then it hit me; I'd been running from God all my life, and now this was something too serious-I could not simply run from it. The man might die, and if so; it would be at my hand, therefore I had to be accountable. So I wrapped the knife in a shirt, went outside, lit up a cigarette, and waited for the police. Shortly after; they arrived and questioned me, questioned the ladies, then cuffed me and placed me under arrest for attempted murder. The man was somehow still alive yet.
For an hour or more I sat in the back of the cruiser and prayed the one and only sincere, selfless prayer I had ever prayed; likely the only sincere prayer period to that point. The thought didn't even cross my mind to pray for myself, I knew I was guilty and deserved any consequence that came my way. I'd already accepted my fate; even if it were life in prison, or execution should the man die. For the first time since I was a young child, I actually cared about someone; it just so happened to be that man. The weight of human life was a burden I simply could not bear.
No, on the contrary this is what I prayed: " God I have no right to expect you to even hear me, all my life has been against you; and I don't blame you if you don't care to hear it..BUT..if you ever hear just one prayer of mine, please hear this: let this man be alright. I don't care what happens to me; it's no more than what I deserve-just please let this man be alright. " I repeated that prayer again and again; until we pulled into the jail, sincere and without qualification. (By the way, the man miraculously was able to walk out of the hospital in pretty solid condition, albeit with a few internal stitches; in under 36 hours. The power of prayer.)
During the 24 hours in holding, waiting to be moved to general population; I made a decision that was the critical turning point in the direction and intention of my life. Regardless what happened to me moving forward; I realized my whole life had been in rebellion, hatred, anger, and so much more against God. I had held on to hatred, bitterness, and a vindictive attitude for my entire life; rebelling against a loving Father I simply could not beleive in. However, in that holding cell I simply committed internally that whatever remaining life I had; imprisoned or not, I was going to live for God. I had no need for the sinner's prayer of repentance, no need for an altar call; I had just been born again simply based on the genuine and complete commitment in my heart. Jesus had come directly into my life just as he had to Saul/Paul.
This committment wasn't simply a hasty defense mechanism to avoid accountability; I was completely and unwaveringly serious and committed to God, and the time spent in jail reflected that. I did not have a pastor or spiritual leader, I did not have the benefit of Sunday services expounding the word of God, I did not have fellow believers helping me learn, grow, and understand what I read, or what was occurring. What I did have was a complete and uninhibited commitment to seek and know this Father; who was truly the only father I'd ever had the chance to know.
I literally spent every waking hour absorbing scripture, praying and meditating on everything I read. I was like a sponge, soaking up everything God was giving, and it was my ENTIRE and SOLITARY focus. I didn't just read the bible-I read, reread, prayed, meditated, and read again. The Word was alive to me, and it was not holding back it's power. I was growing exponentially despite my surroundings and lack of fellowship.
A few days in, other inmates told me that there was a Jail Chaplain; and that he gave out bible studies and quizzes to those who were interested. Since I was so enthralled with bible study, they suggested I should ask for some; and I did just that. The Chaplain wanted to give me just one, but I begged him for a few. Though he insisted it took time, and most inmates were lucky to complete one a week; I eventually persuaded him to give me three. Imagine his shock when the next day I handed him all three fully completed, with in- depth answers, keen scriptural insight, and the concept of application! He was quite baffled at the depth of understanding granted me given my infancy in Christ and lack of Christian background. Almost as though he now saw it as challenge, he tried to give me enough study guides to keep me busy. Yet my hunger knew no bounds, and within a couple weeks I'd completed a year's worth of curriculum .
Folks, I wish to clarify something here; I don't recount these things of a desire for glory or praise. This is not about boasting or seeking the praise and recognition of man. I am sharing this to illustrate the value of a sold out heart to God in Christ; I mean a completely unwavering commitment to seek God and build a sincere relationship with Him. The fruit that so rapidly grew were given by the power and grace of God, inspired by a sincere heart; and were definitely not things I can take credit for.
Anyhow, over those weeks the DA tried to offer me several plea agreements. “Plead guilty to attempted manslaughter,” and I'd only serve 12 to 15 years was the first one. I told them right where they could shove that deal. Then it was “Plead guilty to assault with deadly weapon/with intent to do serious bodily injury,” a 15 year sentence of which I'd serve 8 and be paroled; but again I refused. The last deal was a 10 year sentence, possibility of parole after 2 to 3 years; but again I rejected. You see, I had committed my life to God, and I was determined to go to trial and let God decide where the chips might fall. I had been dictating my life for far too long, and look where I was; what I was facing. The outcome didn't bother me in the least, the only aspect I cared about was at least knowing what my sentence was so I could accept it and move forward. To me, I found comfort in letting go and letting God steer the ship.
Just under two months after arrest, my initial court date arrived, and though I didn't know what to expect; I was confident that God's will would be done. I wasn't praying for a release, I wasn't praying to be delivered; I prayed simply for the decision to be directed of God, and the courage to accept whatever decision it was. These were things I believe contributed greatly to the outcome.
When I arrived in the courtroom the Judge was outraged; it would seem that the public defender's office had failed to send any attorney on my behalf. It was then the beginning of July, and the judge, being of a mind to ensure my next court date was one with an attorney present; reset that initial hearing until December 27th. Immediately I was crushed, not looking forward to a six month wait; just to find out the next step in the process to determine my fate. So I asked the judge for permission to speak.
When granted, I simply explained that what I'd done had not been premeditated or intended; that I knew I reacted poorly, but out of fear for the life and safety of myself, the women, and a child. It wasn't my goal to harm anyone, even though it was the tragic result. Furthermore, I'd been told by some inmates that given my unique situation, never having had a felony; that if I pled guilty I may be allowed a lesser sentence. I asked if this were true, and if there was any possibility of such a thing in my case. To my surprise the judge looked daggers at the DA and said they better throw me one hell of a deal because he was almost of a mind to completely dismiss my case based on self defense! I was absolutely numb with shock; as this was not at all anything I could have imagined in a million years. The DA looked completely taken aback also as he fumbled with papers and stammered to try and respond. Finally, he said if I plead guilty to MISDEMEANOR battery third, I would be released on time served with a $250 fine. Despite my shock I immediately shouted GUILTY! I PLEAD GUILTY!
Praise God Almighty! From a lost and hopeless sinner facing possible life in prison for attempted murder, and just two months later; released a newborn in Christ on a petty misdemeanor and nominal fine. I can guarantee you this outcome came by way of God, not man; and it is my belief that it only came about because of a heart that was sincere, devoted, selfless, and was further evidenced by fruit. Had I not turned to God so completely and with such unique fervor I can almost ensure that this court date would have had a much different outcome. What's more, the genuine nature of my conversion was so noticeable and fruit-bearing, I was asked by the chaplain to be the keynote speaker at that year's annual jail and prison ministry fundraiser. Barely even joined the kingdom, and asked to shine light in front of folks who directly dictate the amount of funding and resources dedicated to the entire state's jail and prison ministry. Glory be to God alone!
For a moment I stumbled over to the sink, semi-consciously trying to remove the blood from my hands, but it simply wouldn't go away. It was as though it was permanently stained into my flesh. Then it hit me; I'd been running from God all my life, and now this was something too serious-I could not simply run from it. The man might die, and if so; it would be at my hand, therefore I had to be accountable. So I wrapped the knife in a shirt, went outside, lit up a cigarette, and waited for the police. Shortly after; they arrived and questioned me, questioned the ladies, then cuffed me and placed me under arrest for attempted murder. The man was somehow still alive yet.
For an hour or more I sat in the back of the cruiser and prayed the one and only sincere, selfless prayer I had ever prayed; likely the only sincere prayer period to that point. The thought didn't even cross my mind to pray for myself, I knew I was guilty and deserved any consequence that came my way. I'd already accepted my fate; even if it were life in prison, or execution should the man die. For the first time since I was a young child, I actually cared about someone; it just so happened to be that man. The weight of human life was a burden I simply could not bear.
No, on the contrary this is what I prayed: " God I have no right to expect you to even hear me, all my life has been against you; and I don't blame you if you don't care to hear it..BUT..if you ever hear just one prayer of mine, please hear this: let this man be alright. I don't care what happens to me; it's no more than what I deserve-just please let this man be alright. " I repeated that prayer again and again; until we pulled into the jail, sincere and without qualification. (By the way, the man miraculously was able to walk out of the hospital in pretty solid condition, albeit with a few internal stitches; in under 36 hours. The power of prayer.)
During the 24 hours in holding, waiting to be moved to general population; I made a decision that was the critical turning point in the direction and intention of my life. Regardless what happened to me moving forward; I realized my whole life had been in rebellion, hatred, anger, and so much more against God. I had held on to hatred, bitterness, and a vindictive attitude for my entire life; rebelling against a loving Father I simply could not beleive in. However, in that holding cell I simply committed internally that whatever remaining life I had; imprisoned or not, I was going to live for God. I had no need for the sinner's prayer of repentance, no need for an altar call; I had just been born again simply based on the genuine and complete commitment in my heart. Jesus had come directly into my life just as he had to Saul/Paul.
This committment wasn't simply a hasty defense mechanism to avoid accountability; I was completely and unwaveringly serious and committed to God, and the time spent in jail reflected that. I did not have a pastor or spiritual leader, I did not have the benefit of Sunday services expounding the word of God, I did not have fellow believers helping me learn, grow, and understand what I read, or what was occurring. What I did have was a complete and uninhibited commitment to seek and know this Father; who was truly the only father I'd ever had the chance to know.
I literally spent every waking hour absorbing scripture, praying and meditating on everything I read. I was like a sponge, soaking up everything God was giving, and it was my ENTIRE and SOLITARY focus. I didn't just read the bible-I read, reread, prayed, meditated, and read again. The Word was alive to me, and it was not holding back it's power. I was growing exponentially despite my surroundings and lack of fellowship.
A few days in, other inmates told me that there was a Jail Chaplain; and that he gave out bible studies and quizzes to those who were interested. Since I was so enthralled with bible study, they suggested I should ask for some; and I did just that. The Chaplain wanted to give me just one, but I begged him for a few. Though he insisted it took time, and most inmates were lucky to complete one a week; I eventually persuaded him to give me three. Imagine his shock when the next day I handed him all three fully completed, with in- depth answers, keen scriptural insight, and the concept of application! He was quite baffled at the depth of understanding granted me given my infancy in Christ and lack of Christian background. Almost as though he now saw it as challenge, he tried to give me enough study guides to keep me busy. Yet my hunger knew no bounds, and within a couple weeks I'd completed a year's worth of curriculum .
Folks, I wish to clarify something here; I don't recount these things of a desire for glory or praise. This is not about boasting or seeking the praise and recognition of man. I am sharing this to illustrate the value of a sold out heart to God in Christ; I mean a completely unwavering commitment to seek God and build a sincere relationship with Him. The fruit that so rapidly grew were given by the power and grace of God, inspired by a sincere heart; and were definitely not things I can take credit for.
Anyhow, over those weeks the DA tried to offer me several plea agreements. “Plead guilty to attempted manslaughter,” and I'd only serve 12 to 15 years was the first one. I told them right where they could shove that deal. Then it was “Plead guilty to assault with deadly weapon/with intent to do serious bodily injury,” a 15 year sentence of which I'd serve 8 and be paroled; but again I refused. The last deal was a 10 year sentence, possibility of parole after 2 to 3 years; but again I rejected. You see, I had committed my life to God, and I was determined to go to trial and let God decide where the chips might fall. I had been dictating my life for far too long, and look where I was; what I was facing. The outcome didn't bother me in the least, the only aspect I cared about was at least knowing what my sentence was so I could accept it and move forward. To me, I found comfort in letting go and letting God steer the ship.
Just under two months after arrest, my initial court date arrived, and though I didn't know what to expect; I was confident that God's will would be done. I wasn't praying for a release, I wasn't praying to be delivered; I prayed simply for the decision to be directed of God, and the courage to accept whatever decision it was. These were things I believe contributed greatly to the outcome.
When I arrived in the courtroom the Judge was outraged; it would seem that the public defender's office had failed to send any attorney on my behalf. It was then the beginning of July, and the judge, being of a mind to ensure my next court date was one with an attorney present; reset that initial hearing until December 27th. Immediately I was crushed, not looking forward to a six month wait; just to find out the next step in the process to determine my fate. So I asked the judge for permission to speak.
When granted, I simply explained that what I'd done had not been premeditated or intended; that I knew I reacted poorly, but out of fear for the life and safety of myself, the women, and a child. It wasn't my goal to harm anyone, even though it was the tragic result. Furthermore, I'd been told by some inmates that given my unique situation, never having had a felony; that if I pled guilty I may be allowed a lesser sentence. I asked if this were true, and if there was any possibility of such a thing in my case. To my surprise the judge looked daggers at the DA and said they better throw me one hell of a deal because he was almost of a mind to completely dismiss my case based on self defense! I was absolutely numb with shock; as this was not at all anything I could have imagined in a million years. The DA looked completely taken aback also as he fumbled with papers and stammered to try and respond. Finally, he said if I plead guilty to MISDEMEANOR battery third, I would be released on time served with a $250 fine. Despite my shock I immediately shouted GUILTY! I PLEAD GUILTY!
Praise God Almighty! From a lost and hopeless sinner facing possible life in prison for attempted murder, and just two months later; released a newborn in Christ on a petty misdemeanor and nominal fine. I can guarantee you this outcome came by way of God, not man; and it is my belief that it only came about because of a heart that was sincere, devoted, selfless, and was further evidenced by fruit. Had I not turned to God so completely and with such unique fervor I can almost ensure that this court date would have had a much different outcome. What's more, the genuine nature of my conversion was so noticeable and fruit-bearing, I was asked by the chaplain to be the keynote speaker at that year's annual jail and prison ministry fundraiser. Barely even joined the kingdom, and asked to shine light in front of folks who directly dictate the amount of funding and resources dedicated to the entire state's jail and prison ministry. Glory be to God alone!
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