SHINY4UJESUS
Member
Sadly, the weight of everything became heavy. I was still new in Christ, still struggling to understand what was going on, what God's purpose was for me, and how to simply be where I was at spiritually. Nonetheless, I was becoming quite overwhelmed as the expectations of me to “work miracles,” on God's behalf kept piling up. I loved to do these things that God would be glorified; I loved helping others; I loved experiencing the miraculous movement of God time and again. However, it is a heavy burden for even a seasoned believer much less a spiritual newborn; and since it required such constant dedication to spiritual preparation, I simply began to flag.
Part of my error was blindly letting zeal and the requests of others spur me to get ahead of God; ahead of my spiritual maturity, taking on more than a new believer should shoulder. Part of my error was being so obsessed with the kingdom and spiritual growth that my flesh became completely overwhelmed, worn out and exhausted. I didn't give myself room for any error, fearing that would impact and obstruct God's movement in response to the duties other believers seemed to expect of me. I needed to allow myself the freedom to be human now and then, but I didn't because I feared the consequences to others.
In the end, I eventually and inevitably fell away; returning home to the easy life of less responsibility. I could party when I wanted, do what I wanted, and nobody counted on me for anything. You see, when in Arkansas I felt that I could not allow myself any room for error, I could not afford to fail; because so many relied on me, trusted me, and needed me. Any failure of mine could cause them to lose hope, faith, and instigate potential blame towards God. Back home nobody relied on me, nobody expected anything of me; truly, for all intents and purposes-back home it was like I didn't even exist. This was a far less heavy burden, and I again ran from God; only this time I actually knew who I was running from, and why I was running. For years I struggled to come to terms with myself, my past, my destiny and calling, and so much more. I did the "roller coaster," version of Christian living; on top of the mountain for a period, then falling away into the darkness of lower valleys. I attended several potential home churches, was restored and continued my walk; only to fall away again. When I was "In," I was "All in," just like the early days in Arkansas...but when I was out, I'd slowly fade away; until finally I'd hit a point where I couldn't recall the last time I'd been in church, read my bible, or even prayed. At one point I was even on payroll at one of the largest churches in my hometown; actually being paid for service to the kingdom, yet still I fell away.
Tragically it wasn't just me that contributed to my backsliding, and while I must be accountable for my role; it is critical that I not ignore the cancer that has been allowed and perpetuated within the Body of Christ. So many times as I struggled, I desperately fought to stay the course; but I would be so ashamed at any shortcoming, any sin, any error, that I would turn to self condemnation without even realizing it. I would see all the other believers living these perfect lives, free from sin-free from struggle; and it made me feel as if my faith were an illusion. How could God have really accepted me and forgiven me? How can He truly love me and bless me? How...when my life doesn't match the reflection of perfect victory everyone elses life shows?
This led me to question everything that I'd experienced in the kingdom, and made it near impossible to have faith in my standing in Christ. In my self imposed condemnation, I'd eventually be so overcome with guilt and shame that I felt too unworthy-too filthy to be in church; after all I would only be exposing these perfect believers to the cancer that was my life. So I'd turn away, pouring out tears of sorrow and shame; unable to even look to God in my horrible behavior and state. Then when I fell away I'd pray to the point that tears were almost blood; that God would send even one-anyone, just to show they care. To show that I wasn't as worthless as I felt, not as abandoned as it seemed. Nobody ever came. Not a single one; not even once. Not a phone call, not an email, nothing; complete abandonment.
Yet, we wonder why backsliders almost never return. We push them away and write them off; surrendering both ground and souls to satan. We profess to be the Body of Christ, but Christ directed His body to those in need, those who were lost, those who stray; while we as a body, seemed to ignore these facts. HOWEVER!!! Thank the LORD ALMIGHTY, for in recent years He has revealed the truth to this hurting heart.
Those "perfect," lives I thought I saw were no more than whitewashed vessels, hiding the struggles and sins in their walks. They were no more perfect than I was, but they hid their sin and shame beneath layer after layer of blissful ignorance; as they cast condemning stares and shrugged cold shoulders at we who plainly wore our stains. While they pharisaically pounded their chests in self glory for their righteous seeming deeds; I was the sinner at the bottom of the temple stairs, scared to death of even touching a single step due to my unworthiness.
-Part Four: No More Condemnation-
A few years back, the Lord moved upon my heart; placing a burden for a ministry specifically intended to reach out and seek those who fall away-to break free of the cycle of condemnation, both from self and others. In Luke 15, Jesus uses parables to set forth a pattern to seek and restore those who stray. If we profess that there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus, then how is that we condemn ourselves for failure and shortcoming? How is it we condemn others for not being perfect, for sin-for struggle? If we feel we have to whitewash, it only proves that we know we are falling short; furthermore, the fact we must hide the struggle shows we have already judged and condemned ourselves as guilty. If we feel too ashamed, too unworthy, too guilty to seek God..to pray..to fellowship; it proves only that we have equally judged and condemned ourselves as guilty.
Both are equally condemnation; both are equally the wrong perspective in regards to our sins. The true cancer and detriment to the Body of Christ is not sin, it is not imperfection, and it is not struggle. It is the idea and pervasive sense that anything we do impacts our standing and worth in God's eyes. It is our heart that matters. What sin?? Truly,what sin?? Is the blood of Jesus any less capable of covering our sin now than when we first came to Christ? Folks: we have no sin, even in sin; once it is surrendered. The blood forever removed both the stain and penalty of sin; so WHO are we to make the claim that Jesus' blood simply isn't enough? Thats exactly what we do anytime we condemn self or others for their sins.
Don't we know that God knew we would be struggling, when we'd be struggling, and with what issues we'd be struggling- even when He accepted us?? Far too long have we created and perpetuated an environment where the shell is judged by the acts, and the soul condemned because of what the flesh by it's nature is bound to do. We have painted this false perception that true faithfulness means a flawless life of victorious living, completely without sin or struggle. Like the Pharisees of Jesus' time; we have become entranced with politics, tradition, processes, and appearance; but have neglected the critical matters of love and forgiveness. Like the Pharisees we continue to white wash..and from behind the illusion of righteousness, murder other believers in our hearts as we condemn them. We cast lofty and judgemental glances at those who fail to meet the status quo; those who fail to look as sparkly clean as our whitewashed exteriors. We offer smiles that are no more than skin deep, barely concealing the contempt hidden just below the surface. Well I have been anointed, I have been called, I have been blessed, and I have been gifted, empowered, and authorized. The Spirit is grieved to the point of action, and in this season I am grateful to God for restoring me to grace, and returning me to the kingdom with an obedient heart and a passion that knows no fear or hesitation. The time for restoration is upon us, and as the firstfruits it has been given me the task of sewing the seeds of Return To Grace: Restoration Ministry. Let there be no confusion, though I come with a message of hope, mercy, love, forgiveness and grace for those in need; I also come bearing prophecy, manifestation of the gifts with no boundary, and a heavy rebuke for the hardened hearts that continue to destroy the Body and abandon God's children to the enemy-as though it is a casual affair. Do not be deceived; this is a matter so dear to Father's heart He is unwilling to allow the enemy to continue to steal, kill and destroy His children.
May Father show us all the truth, and redirect us into a new season of unity, wholeness and openness; May He show us how to be free to be weak...how to be willing to make mistakes...that we may always know it is never what we do...but what Jesus' blood does that matters. May we always keep a proper perspective and attitude in our approach towards both God....and to others. For it is and always will be in Jesus holy name we pray..AMEN!!!
Part of my error was blindly letting zeal and the requests of others spur me to get ahead of God; ahead of my spiritual maturity, taking on more than a new believer should shoulder. Part of my error was being so obsessed with the kingdom and spiritual growth that my flesh became completely overwhelmed, worn out and exhausted. I didn't give myself room for any error, fearing that would impact and obstruct God's movement in response to the duties other believers seemed to expect of me. I needed to allow myself the freedom to be human now and then, but I didn't because I feared the consequences to others.
In the end, I eventually and inevitably fell away; returning home to the easy life of less responsibility. I could party when I wanted, do what I wanted, and nobody counted on me for anything. You see, when in Arkansas I felt that I could not allow myself any room for error, I could not afford to fail; because so many relied on me, trusted me, and needed me. Any failure of mine could cause them to lose hope, faith, and instigate potential blame towards God. Back home nobody relied on me, nobody expected anything of me; truly, for all intents and purposes-back home it was like I didn't even exist. This was a far less heavy burden, and I again ran from God; only this time I actually knew who I was running from, and why I was running. For years I struggled to come to terms with myself, my past, my destiny and calling, and so much more. I did the "roller coaster," version of Christian living; on top of the mountain for a period, then falling away into the darkness of lower valleys. I attended several potential home churches, was restored and continued my walk; only to fall away again. When I was "In," I was "All in," just like the early days in Arkansas...but when I was out, I'd slowly fade away; until finally I'd hit a point where I couldn't recall the last time I'd been in church, read my bible, or even prayed. At one point I was even on payroll at one of the largest churches in my hometown; actually being paid for service to the kingdom, yet still I fell away.
Tragically it wasn't just me that contributed to my backsliding, and while I must be accountable for my role; it is critical that I not ignore the cancer that has been allowed and perpetuated within the Body of Christ. So many times as I struggled, I desperately fought to stay the course; but I would be so ashamed at any shortcoming, any sin, any error, that I would turn to self condemnation without even realizing it. I would see all the other believers living these perfect lives, free from sin-free from struggle; and it made me feel as if my faith were an illusion. How could God have really accepted me and forgiven me? How can He truly love me and bless me? How...when my life doesn't match the reflection of perfect victory everyone elses life shows?
This led me to question everything that I'd experienced in the kingdom, and made it near impossible to have faith in my standing in Christ. In my self imposed condemnation, I'd eventually be so overcome with guilt and shame that I felt too unworthy-too filthy to be in church; after all I would only be exposing these perfect believers to the cancer that was my life. So I'd turn away, pouring out tears of sorrow and shame; unable to even look to God in my horrible behavior and state. Then when I fell away I'd pray to the point that tears were almost blood; that God would send even one-anyone, just to show they care. To show that I wasn't as worthless as I felt, not as abandoned as it seemed. Nobody ever came. Not a single one; not even once. Not a phone call, not an email, nothing; complete abandonment.
Yet, we wonder why backsliders almost never return. We push them away and write them off; surrendering both ground and souls to satan. We profess to be the Body of Christ, but Christ directed His body to those in need, those who were lost, those who stray; while we as a body, seemed to ignore these facts. HOWEVER!!! Thank the LORD ALMIGHTY, for in recent years He has revealed the truth to this hurting heart.
Those "perfect," lives I thought I saw were no more than whitewashed vessels, hiding the struggles and sins in their walks. They were no more perfect than I was, but they hid their sin and shame beneath layer after layer of blissful ignorance; as they cast condemning stares and shrugged cold shoulders at we who plainly wore our stains. While they pharisaically pounded their chests in self glory for their righteous seeming deeds; I was the sinner at the bottom of the temple stairs, scared to death of even touching a single step due to my unworthiness.
-Part Four: No More Condemnation-
A few years back, the Lord moved upon my heart; placing a burden for a ministry specifically intended to reach out and seek those who fall away-to break free of the cycle of condemnation, both from self and others. In Luke 15, Jesus uses parables to set forth a pattern to seek and restore those who stray. If we profess that there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus, then how is that we condemn ourselves for failure and shortcoming? How is it we condemn others for not being perfect, for sin-for struggle? If we feel we have to whitewash, it only proves that we know we are falling short; furthermore, the fact we must hide the struggle shows we have already judged and condemned ourselves as guilty. If we feel too ashamed, too unworthy, too guilty to seek God..to pray..to fellowship; it proves only that we have equally judged and condemned ourselves as guilty.
Both are equally condemnation; both are equally the wrong perspective in regards to our sins. The true cancer and detriment to the Body of Christ is not sin, it is not imperfection, and it is not struggle. It is the idea and pervasive sense that anything we do impacts our standing and worth in God's eyes. It is our heart that matters. What sin?? Truly,what sin?? Is the blood of Jesus any less capable of covering our sin now than when we first came to Christ? Folks: we have no sin, even in sin; once it is surrendered. The blood forever removed both the stain and penalty of sin; so WHO are we to make the claim that Jesus' blood simply isn't enough? Thats exactly what we do anytime we condemn self or others for their sins.
Don't we know that God knew we would be struggling, when we'd be struggling, and with what issues we'd be struggling- even when He accepted us?? Far too long have we created and perpetuated an environment where the shell is judged by the acts, and the soul condemned because of what the flesh by it's nature is bound to do. We have painted this false perception that true faithfulness means a flawless life of victorious living, completely without sin or struggle. Like the Pharisees of Jesus' time; we have become entranced with politics, tradition, processes, and appearance; but have neglected the critical matters of love and forgiveness. Like the Pharisees we continue to white wash..and from behind the illusion of righteousness, murder other believers in our hearts as we condemn them. We cast lofty and judgemental glances at those who fail to meet the status quo; those who fail to look as sparkly clean as our whitewashed exteriors. We offer smiles that are no more than skin deep, barely concealing the contempt hidden just below the surface. Well I have been anointed, I have been called, I have been blessed, and I have been gifted, empowered, and authorized. The Spirit is grieved to the point of action, and in this season I am grateful to God for restoring me to grace, and returning me to the kingdom with an obedient heart and a passion that knows no fear or hesitation. The time for restoration is upon us, and as the firstfruits it has been given me the task of sewing the seeds of Return To Grace: Restoration Ministry. Let there be no confusion, though I come with a message of hope, mercy, love, forgiveness and grace for those in need; I also come bearing prophecy, manifestation of the gifts with no boundary, and a heavy rebuke for the hardened hearts that continue to destroy the Body and abandon God's children to the enemy-as though it is a casual affair. Do not be deceived; this is a matter so dear to Father's heart He is unwilling to allow the enemy to continue to steal, kill and destroy His children.
May Father show us all the truth, and redirect us into a new season of unity, wholeness and openness; May He show us how to be free to be weak...how to be willing to make mistakes...that we may always know it is never what we do...but what Jesus' blood does that matters. May we always keep a proper perspective and attitude in our approach towards both God....and to others. For it is and always will be in Jesus holy name we pray..AMEN!!!
