Christ_empowered
Member
I didn't sleep last nite. Yes, I'm on the psych drugs. I'm down to --2-- of those, btw, which is a big step towards recovery. I was on 4. I do have sleeping pills, but I generally choose not to take them. Drugged "sleep" isn't anything like real, natural, restorative sleep. Simply not being awake is not the same as restful slumber.
Anyway, I made coffee. My dad's real frugal when it comes to coffee. I'm...not, lol. I don't spend massive $$$, but I hit The Internet sales and get quality stuff and then grind it at home. So, I used some of my own stash and my dad was appreciative. He came downstair a bit before 5 AM, and the coffee was already made and all. Good times.
I got to thinking, and praying, and...I'm blessed beyond measure. I go to school online. When I tried going back to a state school, age 23, to finish my degree, I was burned out and possibly not going to be alive much longer ((long story...for now, just try to "suspend your disbelief," like with novels...)). The cool kidz and professors drove me out and drove me mad. My ill fated semester back ended in a brief hospital stint, complete with a round of heavy, involuntary shock "treatments."
Now, I'm remarkably healthy. I'm smart, too. And...normal(ish). I now live with the parents I was distant from for so long, the parents I may have actually hated. And I love them, and they love me. God is good!
I --was-- narcissistic (NPD). I don't think I "outgrew" my NPD, although I've read case histories where "corrective life experiences" (read: real life hits and you're not so great, after all) and such take care of NPD. In my case, I was down to "narcissistic traits" plus other stuff (like the OCD-type stuff often associated with NPD) when I got genuinely, bona fide, for realsies (no..really, this time...) saved. --That-- was a miracle, and I now consider that moment the defining moment of my (new, real) life. That was a it over 4 years ago.
Today is another day that The Lord hath made; rejoice and be glad in it. Couldn't do it with NPD. Actually, even now, it gets rough, sometimes. Part mental..affliction (I'm diagnosed now with Bipolar I...and they're apparently serious about it, this time around...)...part holding onto too big chunks of the old me, part...well, l-i-f-e, I suppose.
But, I've been praying to The Lord for what I need to do as He says, and rejoice in each new day I get here on planet earth. Its His world; I'm just livin' in it. And...He is good!
I don't matter to people around here. They say I'm "too old," "passed around f@ggot," etc. It is what it is. Sodomy --is-- and abomination, and now I can see some good reasons why The Lord gives a big thumbs down to same-sex relations. And that's just part of my shady backstory. Factor in NPD, prescription drugs, some run ins with the law, etc., and...wow. The way things usually go, I coulda/shoulda/woulda been "dead by 23," which is what everybody around here said was going to happen. I'm 32 now, btw; 33 isn't far off.
I may never become a member of this community, or any community, really. Where, oh where, can a chronically unemployed, non-heterosexual man who lives off disability and his (long sufferng, loving, and--Praise God!--"comfortable") parents go and be a member of the community? I can't think of a place. At least here, I'm taking the psych drugs voluntarily (no involuntary, long acting injections for me), I haven't been in a mental hospital in a tad over 9 years, and...I live with my parents, the only people here on earth who love me and take good care of me and protect me, when needed.
God is good! I consider His work in my life a Miracle, a much-needed one, at that. And I'm just --1-- person. I've taken to reading peoples' testimonies, here and there, and stories of miracles (turns out, its not just me; miracles are happening all over the place...).
I'm rambling. My point is...I am blessed. God is good. Its much, much easier for me to belive in Christ and accept The Good News because of His work in my life. Selfish? Probably. But looking in the mirror each day and seeing bright eyes and 0 premature aging, where before I had dead eyes and the weight of my own sins and things that were done to me written all over me...that's huge. That builds a bit of faith, each and every time.
I Praise God for His goodness and His love, mercy, pity, and compassion.
Anyway, I made coffee. My dad's real frugal when it comes to coffee. I'm...not, lol. I don't spend massive $$$, but I hit The Internet sales and get quality stuff and then grind it at home. So, I used some of my own stash and my dad was appreciative. He came downstair a bit before 5 AM, and the coffee was already made and all. Good times.
I got to thinking, and praying, and...I'm blessed beyond measure. I go to school online. When I tried going back to a state school, age 23, to finish my degree, I was burned out and possibly not going to be alive much longer ((long story...for now, just try to "suspend your disbelief," like with novels...)). The cool kidz and professors drove me out and drove me mad. My ill fated semester back ended in a brief hospital stint, complete with a round of heavy, involuntary shock "treatments."
Now, I'm remarkably healthy. I'm smart, too. And...normal(ish). I now live with the parents I was distant from for so long, the parents I may have actually hated. And I love them, and they love me. God is good!
I --was-- narcissistic (NPD). I don't think I "outgrew" my NPD, although I've read case histories where "corrective life experiences" (read: real life hits and you're not so great, after all) and such take care of NPD. In my case, I was down to "narcissistic traits" plus other stuff (like the OCD-type stuff often associated with NPD) when I got genuinely, bona fide, for realsies (no..really, this time...) saved. --That-- was a miracle, and I now consider that moment the defining moment of my (new, real) life. That was a it over 4 years ago.
Today is another day that The Lord hath made; rejoice and be glad in it. Couldn't do it with NPD. Actually, even now, it gets rough, sometimes. Part mental..affliction (I'm diagnosed now with Bipolar I...and they're apparently serious about it, this time around...)...part holding onto too big chunks of the old me, part...well, l-i-f-e, I suppose.
But, I've been praying to The Lord for what I need to do as He says, and rejoice in each new day I get here on planet earth. Its His world; I'm just livin' in it. And...He is good!
I don't matter to people around here. They say I'm "too old," "passed around f@ggot," etc. It is what it is. Sodomy --is-- and abomination, and now I can see some good reasons why The Lord gives a big thumbs down to same-sex relations. And that's just part of my shady backstory. Factor in NPD, prescription drugs, some run ins with the law, etc., and...wow. The way things usually go, I coulda/shoulda/woulda been "dead by 23," which is what everybody around here said was going to happen. I'm 32 now, btw; 33 isn't far off.
I may never become a member of this community, or any community, really. Where, oh where, can a chronically unemployed, non-heterosexual man who lives off disability and his (long sufferng, loving, and--Praise God!--"comfortable") parents go and be a member of the community? I can't think of a place. At least here, I'm taking the psych drugs voluntarily (no involuntary, long acting injections for me), I haven't been in a mental hospital in a tad over 9 years, and...I live with my parents, the only people here on earth who love me and take good care of me and protect me, when needed.
God is good! I consider His work in my life a Miracle, a much-needed one, at that. And I'm just --1-- person. I've taken to reading peoples' testimonies, here and there, and stories of miracles (turns out, its not just me; miracles are happening all over the place...).
I'm rambling. My point is...I am blessed. God is good. Its much, much easier for me to belive in Christ and accept The Good News because of His work in my life. Selfish? Probably. But looking in the mirror each day and seeing bright eyes and 0 premature aging, where before I had dead eyes and the weight of my own sins and things that were done to me written all over me...that's huge. That builds a bit of faith, each and every time.
I Praise God for His goodness and His love, mercy, pity, and compassion.
