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[__ Prayer __] pray for a way forward for me

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so, my dad and I had a lil hear to heart. nothing too intense, just...i told him some things that had happened that i though he should know. i wasn't trying to guilt trip him or anything, just...i wanted him to know some things that a (private, for profit) mental hospital did to me, for instance, and how that contributed to stuff that happeend. OK...

...so, it actually went surprisingly well, Praise God! He said that things happened that really weren't my fault, and he and my mama have been supporting me, and they need me to figure out a way forward in my life. I agree.

Again, I wasn't trying to guilt trip my dad. Its just like....well, this private for profit mental hospital place...so ridiculous. they billed for services i didn't receive (everyone was supposed to get counseling; I did not receive counseling, but they billed for it...they also almost let me die of a sleeping pill OD, and left me wallowing in my own urine...fun times....), and then when i hit a downward spiral afterwards, everyone made it seem like 'oh, his people wasted all that $$$ on that hospital, and he's a mess up, hahaha!"

Anyway...ugh. God is good! That was a while ago. At this point, I've recently hit 33. Not super young, not yet middle-aged or...anything, really. Honestly, I'm blessed beyond measure to be alive at all, so I'm kinda excited about 33. The Lord has willed to make me: healthy, smart enough, remarkably...whole, even normal, in ways that really matter, for my family and for me. I am increasingly thankful.

I just...I don't know a way forward. At this point, I'm on disability for "mental illness." ugh. I did try to work, during college and then after my 1st hospitalization, age 20. I apparently "p!ssed the shrinks off," so all kindsa stuff got thrown my way I wasn't prepared for, and...yeah. I tried going back to school, having just turned 23...and I ended up in another hospital, getting more (heavy, involuntary) shock "treatments."

So...yeah. It strange. American culture (in general) says "go to school! woo! school!," but now The Lord has returned memories to me, along with some clarity and understanding, and I see: whoa there. I wasn't even welcome in 8th grade honors, much less college! I was driven out of the dorms at a state school, age 17.

And now? Well...now, I have to wonder...what's going on here? What is my way forward? I --am-- blessed to receive disability, I really am. At this point, I highly doubt anyone around here will hire me. Ever. Labels, stigma, I'm well past 25, on and on it goes....plus, from what I've read, I'm one of --many-- people in the United States living on disability for "mental illness" in large part because of...psychiatry.

I'm now a work-able height (not super tall, but tall enough), healthy, bright eyed, smart enough, I actually have adeqaute social skills, a new way of being ("personality"), etc., and...even my IQ estimate is high enough (going by the scale and such) that I could/should/would be able to do any number of things. And yet...

...well, where? doing what? I just...don't...know. I was not wanted in honors, I was eventually driven out of college, I wasn't "good enough" for any number of jobs, etc. etc. etc....

...and now, I'm labeled "severely mentally ill," and I receive disability and live with my now "well-to-do" parents. Its a good thing, too; in years past, I was driven out of a small town, driven out of apartments, etc. etc. etc. Its...stigma, labels, the Real Face of Psychiatry (read: force, fraud, coercion...at times, straight up violence, lots of oppression...), plus the fact that I was HIV+ from about 18/19 years old on, and I was never given any kind of treatment.

Jesus saves! Why not me? Seriously...now that I've been saved (miracle!) 4 1/2 years, I'm now healthy, bright eyed, etc., I see...

...I'm now 33. I tested + for HIV at age 20, in a hospital. I was already showing signs of serious immune system problems, etc. At this point, I've never been treated for HIV, or...anything, really. Haven't even taken a single antibiotic in over 10 years.

Am I still HIV+? I really don't know, honestly. Clearly, the homogay world is off limits for any Christian, me in particular. I"m not into the ladies, so...celibacy it is, and so...does my status even matter?

OK. Once again, I've rambled. I am thankful that I had a lil convo with my dad, I really am. I just...I don't know a way forward, I don't see one, and I don't know what I can honestly, truly, genuinely expect to do in this world, especially with all the labels and stigma attached to me, and...well, I was fully expected to be dead --by-- 23. At 23, I was sick as unto death, which may explain why the shrinks gave me the works (again...), and...on and on it went, until 1st I ended up with Pentecostals (miracle!) and then The Lord worked a miracle and I genuinely came to believe upon Christ for forgiveness+salvation, 4 1/2 years ago.

Now? Well, honestly, I'm just now...starting to "get it," I guess. Not everybody has a j-o-b. I was fully expected to be dead 10 years ago. I'm now healthy, smart enough, etc...despite my own sins, things that were done to me, "the way the world works," etc.

And yet...as much as I --love-- my parents, and I do...I"m 33. For obvious reasons, I'm just now maturing as I should, and that alone is a miracle. I do not think it would be appropriate for me to live with them indefinitely, --if-- I can figure out a better way to go about things. But...what am I to do? Where can anyone with my psych records, my labels, my stigma, etc. live w/o somebody around to offer a buffer, even straight up protection?

I do pray for a way forward, and I ask that you'll pray the same for me, and my family, too (please). I just...wow. There are times when I'm out on my parents' front porch, and people yell about me, calling me a "freak," etc....because The Lord willed first to spare me, then to save me, then to transform me. I am thankful, but...man oh man. I just don't know a way forward, I do --not-- want to end up in a group home, I don't want to risk problems trying to live alone without a support network around, etc.

So...I am blessed, I am increasingly thankful, and I'm also wondering: where to from here, exactly?

Thanks. :)
 
so, my dad and I had a lil hear to heart. nothing too intense, just...i told him some things that had happened that i though he should know. i wasn't trying to guilt trip him or anything, just...i wanted him to know some things that a (private, for profit) mental hospital did to me, for instance, and how that contributed to stuff that happeend.
Dear Brother Christ_empowered, you seem to remain plagued by your past that God has seen fit to deliver you from. Is it possible you’re on the very road God has for your future? You may not regard it productive at this very time, but what if God has you with your parents till they’re gone one day for their good, and then to return to care at some facility the remainder of your life, and that for your good?

I realize we may not possibly know the end from the beginning, but the remaining incident occurred in scripture to the glory of God. There was the prophet Micaiah, and the king of Israel Ahab wanted Micaiah to prophesy good concerning his going to Ramothgilead to battle.

Well, Micaiah was having none of that and in 2Ch 18:16 he said, I did see all Israel scattered upon the mountains, as sheep that have no shepherd: and the LORD said, These have no master; let them return therefore every man to his house in peace. Well, that sure didn’t please Ahab.
2Ch 18:26 And say, Thus saith the king (Ahab), Put this fellow (Micaiah) in the prison, and feed him with bread of affliction and with water of affliction, until I return in peace.
2Ch 18:27 And Micaiah said, If thou certainly return in peace, then hath not the LORD spoken by me. And he said, Hearken, all ye people.

Ahab never returned from the battle because he was killed, and is it possible that Micaiah spent the remainder of his days in prison? Does God also have a plan for you that you’re willing to be comfortable with? When you’re finished with the task God presently has you involved with, does He have a future ministry where He allows you to go? Do you think Micaiah had a worthless future?
 
so, my dad and I had a lil hear to heart. nothing too intense, just...i told him some things that had happened that i though he should know. i wasn't trying to guilt trip him or anything, just...i wanted him to know some things that a (private, for profit) mental hospital did to me, for instance, and how that contributed to stuff that happeend. OK...

...so, it actually went surprisingly well, Praise God! He said that things happened that really weren't my fault, and he and my mama have been supporting me, and they need me to figure out a way forward in my life. I agree.

Again, I wasn't trying to guilt trip my dad. Its just like....well, this private for profit mental hospital place...so ridiculous. they billed for services i didn't receive (everyone was supposed to get counseling; I did not receive counseling, but they billed for it...they also almost let me die of a sleeping pill OD, and left me wallowing in my own urine...fun times....), and then when i hit a downward spiral afterwards, everyone made it seem like 'oh, his people wasted all that $$$ on that hospital, and he's a mess up, hahaha!"

Anyway...ugh. God is good! That was a while ago. At this point, I've recently hit 33. Not super young, not yet middle-aged or...anything, really. Honestly, I'm blessed beyond measure to be alive at all, so I'm kinda excited about 33. The Lord has willed to make me: healthy, smart enough, remarkably...whole, even normal, in ways that really matter, for my family and for me. I am increasingly thankful.

I just...I don't know a way forward. At this point, I'm on disability for "mental illness." ugh. I did try to work, during college and then after my 1st hospitalization, age 20. I apparently "p!ssed the shrinks off," so all kindsa stuff got thrown my way I wasn't prepared for, and...yeah. I tried going back to school, having just turned 23...and I ended up in another hospital, getting more (heavy, involuntary) shock "treatments."

So...yeah. It strange. American culture (in general) says "go to school! woo! school!," but now The Lord has returned memories to me, along with some clarity and understanding, and I see: whoa there. I wasn't even welcome in 8th grade honors, much less college! I was driven out of the dorms at a state school, age 17.

And now? Well...now, I have to wonder...what's going on here? What is my way forward? I --am-- blessed to receive disability, I really am. At this point, I highly doubt anyone around here will hire me. Ever. Labels, stigma, I'm well past 25, on and on it goes....plus, from what I've read, I'm one of --many-- people in the United States living on disability for "mental illness" in large part because of...psychiatry.

I'm now a work-able height (not super tall, but tall enough), healthy, bright eyed, smart enough, I actually have adeqaute social skills, a new way of being ("personality"), etc., and...even my IQ estimate is high enough (going by the scale and such) that I could/should/would be able to do any number of things. And yet...

...well, where? doing what? I just...don't...know. I was not wanted in honors, I was eventually driven out of college, I wasn't "good enough" for any number of jobs, etc. etc. etc....

...and now, I'm labeled "severely mentally ill," and I receive disability and live with my now "well-to-do" parents. Its a good thing, too; in years past, I was driven out of a small town, driven out of apartments, etc. etc. etc. Its...stigma, labels, the Real Face of Psychiatry (read: force, fraud, coercion...at times, straight up violence, lots of oppression...), plus the fact that I was HIV+ from about 18/19 years old on, and I was never given any kind of treatment.

Jesus saves! Why not me? Seriously...now that I've been saved (miracle!) 4 1/2 years, I'm now healthy, bright eyed, etc., I see...

...I'm now 33. I tested + for HIV at age 20, in a hospital. I was already showing signs of serious immune system problems, etc. At this point, I've never been treated for HIV, or...anything, really. Haven't even taken a single antibiotic in over 10 years.

Am I still HIV+? I really don't know, honestly. Clearly, the homogay world is off limits for any Christian, me in particular. I"m not into the ladies, so...celibacy it is, and so...does my status even matter?

OK. Once again, I've rambled. I am thankful that I had a lil convo with my dad, I really am. I just...I don't know a way forward, I don't see one, and I don't know what I can honestly, truly, genuinely expect to do in this world, especially with all the labels and stigma attached to me, and...well, I was fully expected to be dead --by-- 23. At 23, I was sick as unto death, which may explain why the shrinks gave me the works (again...), and...on and on it went, until 1st I ended up with Pentecostals (miracle!) and then The Lord worked a miracle and I genuinely came to believe upon Christ for forgiveness+salvation, 4 1/2 years ago.

Now? Well, honestly, I'm just now...starting to "get it," I guess. Not everybody has a j-o-b. I was fully expected to be dead 10 years ago. I'm now healthy, smart enough, etc...despite my own sins, things that were done to me, "the way the world works," etc.

And yet...as much as I --love-- my parents, and I do...I"m 33. For obvious reasons, I'm just now maturing as I should, and that alone is a miracle. I do not think it would be appropriate for me to live with them indefinitely, --if-- I can figure out a better way to go about things. But...what am I to do? Where can anyone with my psych records, my labels, my stigma, etc. live w/o somebody around to offer a buffer, even straight up protection?

I do pray for a way forward, and I ask that you'll pray the same for me, and my family, too (please). I just...wow. There are times when I'm out on my parents' front porch, and people yell about me, calling me a "freak," etc....because The Lord willed first to spare me, then to save me, then to transform me. I am thankful, but...man oh man. I just don't know a way forward, I do --not-- want to end up in a group home, I don't want to risk problems trying to live alone without a support network around, etc.

So...I am blessed, I am increasingly thankful, and I'm also wondering: where to from here, exactly?

Thanks. :)
I'm praying for your way forward. You've had a rough young life. I'll pray the Lord bring times of refreshing to you and your family.

And for Verna too!
 
me again. im praying to avoid ending up in a hospital or group home. Its interesting. I've only been in a mental hopsital 2x, once age 20, again age 23. Both were "well-regarded," etc...and both gave me the works. Fun times. Thankfully, it been nearly 10 years since my last hospitalization, and --that-- is a miracle, in and of itself.

its just...wow. The Lord has been and is good to me, that's for certain. At this point, I'm alive at all, healthy, a decent height, good face, bright eyes, smart enough (even my IQ estimate is now back up....apparently, the original estimate may have been an "under-estimate..." right...like I keep writing now and then, Mental health is decidedly --not-- scientific, LOL...), etc. Keep in mind; I was sick, sick, sick for a good while there, severely brain damaged, I had "victim of psychiatry" written all over me (dead eyes, tics and twitches, memory problems, seriously lowered IQ, etc.), and now...

...well, You must die to be Born Again. Just a tad over 4 1/2 years ago, The Lord moved on my heart in a big, big way, and I did get genuinely, truly, saved+forgiven, washed+made clean. I'm now 33, which puts me at least 10 years past my expected "expiration date," and I'm remarkably healthy. I'm not only --not-- prematurely aged (a problem for me from a very young age), I look a bit younger than many 33 year old men. I'm not saying that to sound vain, just...wow. God is good! And...of course...salvation is for the --whole-- person. That's a big one for me, too.

Ugh. I highly doubt anyone around here will hire me. I do not have a felony, but the rumor mill has it that I've got convictions left and right (I've actually got 1, its a "class a" misdemeanor, plus an unpaid speeding ticket from years and years ago....). The Lord willed to bless me by getting me off probation in 3 years instead of 5, which was (and is) --huge--. I was given a suspended sentence (the absolute maximum--3 years) suspended to 5 years probation, so getting the whole thing over with early has been a huge relief to me, and to my family, as well.

So...I cannot work, and a lot of it is stigma and labels and because of mental health, inc. If I start gettin' a lil too...healthy...volunteer too much, even, I could potentially lose disability, also. Ugh. I really cannot complain there, though. The Lord has blessed my parents with higher status, more $$$, etc., and now He's willed a solid reconciliation. For "mental patients," having a "well-to-do" family supporting+protecting you means...some much needed breathing room, freedom, safety...that and I tend to "p!ss people off," especially in the small, southern town where my parents+I live. Basically, unlike many "mental patients," I've been grace thru the reviews of my disability case and I get more leeway to do stuff. Imagine that...Mental Health, Inc. --not-- working as an obstacle to genuine "recovery."

I just...don't...know. Its strange. Now, I think the IQ estimate is in the 130s. Back in the day, I would have rejoiced, just over the #. Now...well, I --am-- happy that I'm smart enough for life and all, but...everything Mental Health, Inc. sells as fact and truth, including the IQ scale, is...well, often anything but, honestly. 130-something IQ. Thing is...when you're also slathered in stigma and labels and such, having a higher IQ estimate in my situation kind of puts a bulls-eye on you. I see now that one reason shrinks gave me so many drugs, especially the controlled substances, back in the day, was because my 120 IQ estimate was "too high for a 'working class loser," so they set out to make me stupid and "more manageable."

Now...my parents are more "well-to-do," and that's a --huge-- blessing. I don't spend mad $$$, but their status and the very availability of resources = a buffer for me, which I'm now beginning to appreciate. All good things come from The Lord, of course. At one point, I'd hear people yelling about getting my parents "fired from ()," and I kinda suspect that if they hadn't gotten me a lawyer for the last round of legal trouble, it could've happened. Wherever they are, it seems that psychiatrists are all about power, control, labels, and...lies. Lots and lots of lies, double-speak, oppression, bondage,

OK. I thanks for keeping up with my posts, reflections, many many many prayer requests, etc. I --do-- appreciate the prayers, support, Scripture, etc., and I'm coming to appreciate CFnet all the more as God moves more and more in my heart+life.

I just...well, especially with a serious misdemeanor, I don't see what a degree would do for me. A j-o-b is not a real possibility as long as I'm around here. When I did work around here, I was punished for my very existence, largely because of the shrinks, my psych records, etc...oppression+bondage, --big time-- .

I ask that pray for my family and for me, and for Verna, too. And thanks again for the support, encouragement, and ongoing prayers. :)
 
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