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[__ Prayer __] progress, opposition

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Me, yet again (LOL). So, when I got in legal trouble, my now well-to-do family hired a skilled attorney. I ended up with a very serious misdemeanor (where I live, the more serious misdemeanors are punished like low-level felonies in other, more rational states....), a suspended sentence, and probation. I completed probation 2 years early (apparently, because I paid the $$$ and didn't get in trouble, I got time added..."compliance credits," I think is what its called...). The lawyer managed to get an additional charge dismissed. That dismissed charge has now been expunged/erased from my record.

I've been off probation for almost exactly 6 months now. The expungement was granted and applied (its a process...lots of signatures...) not very long ago. My parents are warming up to me, which is The Lord's work in my life and their lives, too. I didn't know I was off probation until the cashier at the office wouldn't take my monthly $$$. By then, I'd apparently been officially free for 2 or 3 weeks (weird). God is good!

People...not so much. OK. Really, not at all, not towards --me--. I guess its nothing "personal." Wretched, low-status, stigmatized people....don't matter, on a good day. More often, I seem to get all kindsa nastiness off of people 'round here, and it seems to be getting a bit more intense lately.

I was: ugly, sick, obviously brain damaged, etc. Its strange...when I looked like a backwards "mental patient"--tics, dead eyes, all kindsa problems--I was considered a "pathetic weakling," and (mis)treated accordingly. Now, The Lord has moved mightily in my life! I'm healthy, I'm bright eyed, I'm smart, I even look a tad younger than my age (not trying to be vain, but its awesome...I was --always-- sickly, and now I'm remarkably, truly healthy...). The result? I'm now labeled as "Schizophrenic." Based on what I've overheard here and there, my "Schizophrenia" is because of sexual stuff (apparently...).

I'm frustrated. I --was-- a sodomite, yes. Yes, yes, yes. OK? The Lord spared me through all my messes, then He worked a miracle so I could come to genuinely, truly believe upon Christ for forgiveness, to be washed and made clean, etc. The result?

I don't like the ladies, but I'm not sexually active. I can't be actively, openly living a "gay lifestyle" and claim Christ. I'm clearly no "homophobe," but life centered on sodomy and a life following Christ are...absolutely, completely, incompatible. I was given 2 rounds of heavy shock "treatments." Now...I remember more than I did, and I see...."gay life" is more thoroughly anti-Christ than many other "subcultures." I dunno. The sex acts themselves are clearly a big problem, but there's more to it than that. The materialism, the age-ism, the self-love, the rampant drug and alcohol abuse....its just not a "lifestyle" I'd want for anyone, and I don't see any real hope or genuine "happiness" in it, honestly.

OK. So, now people in the neighborhood will yell stuff about sexual things that I don't remember. "He consented!" "now he has SCHIZOPHRENIA!" "used up f@ggot!," etc. Oh, and "that f@ggot got passed around..." that's one I've been hearing over and over, time and time again.

I really was genuinely --sick-- from a young age. Socially isolated, stressed, questionable nutrition, messed up human being. Not surprisingly...I got messed over, royally. It wasn't just "the gays," it was...the college, the so-called "friends," the "mental health professionals," it was, at times, even my own family . You know what's interesting? The mental health "professionals" have constructed a narrative in which it is all, somehow, my fault. All of it. And now, The Lord has willed to save me, transform me, reconcile me to my now well-to-do family, and....

His work in my life+my parents' lives does --not-- sit well with people 'round here. I've been doing some reading, and it seems that female "mental patients" were often exploited and discarded, especially back when they were still doing heavy shock "treatments" on a routine basis, plus all the various brain operations (lobotomy was the big one, but not the only procedure around...). On what I suppose could be considered the "plus side," back then there were still state hospitals. I mean, if a lobotomy turned bad, if someone really had to protected from society, they could always be committed, sometimes indefinitely. Not ideal at all, but...it was something, I guess.

--sigh-- So, I'm getting the impression that sexual stuff happened that should not have happened, above and beyond run of the mill gay stuff. Now that The Lord has willed to return more memories to me, I'm beginning to think things happened that I did not consent to, even...largely because I was poor, sick, vulnerable, stigmatized, etc. Oh, that and I p!ssed my shrinks off. There's that, too.

Predictably, I get blamed for it, more openly and vocally now than before. It is...what it is. The Lord spared me thru the darkness, saved me, forgave me, and now...I dunno....I'm blessed. My parents love me, they take good care of me. I'm healthy, smart, etc. I do receive disability. Not ideal, but...mental health, inc. almost never shell out their own $$$ when they ruin somebody's life. Now and then, you'll see a successful lawsuit regarding shock "treatments" or whatever, but...those are few and far between.

I ask that you Praise The Lord with me for His mercy, compassion, long suffering, overall...genuine, unbelievable --goodness--. I've prayed time and time again for an "attitude of gratitude" (I hate to admit this, but I stole that from Rick Warren, lol...), and He's been blessing me in that area, too. I see now that He chose to spare me and bring me thru and forgive+transform me. I am blessed.

I also ask that you pray The Lord moves in this situation, even if that simply means giving me what I need to brush it off and move on, even when people here and there feel the need to say things--often very loudly, at that-- that they really shouldn't. I dunno. Apparently, when you're a "p@ssed around faggot," you're expected to "know your place in society!," etc. Its...oppression, attempted oppression, bondage...it is, to reference Verna, once again: satan in action. Ugh. --that guy-- seems to be forever rearing his ugly head.

That's about it from me, for now anyway. I am becoming more and more genuinely thankful, more steady and secure in The Lord (less and less double-minded and unsteady in all my ways...eeek....), and that's a big, big deal for me and for my family. I "get" that things like this do happen, and I'm blessed beyond measure, even though things do get rough here and there. Its also...well, I just did the drive thru to get a big iced coffee, and I overheard one of the workers saying stuff. No lie. That place is in a lil city near the lil town I live in. Its...frustrating, you know? A couple weeks ago, I popped in at one of the nicer, safer 24/7 gas stations around, and some dude was yelling stuff about "HOW'D HE PAY FOT THAT? He ain't got no job!" as I left. Ugh. I mean, on the one hand, I gotta get to the point where I can brush it off. On the other hand, I do get tired of people I've never spoken to, whom I don't know, messing with me.

OK. Now, I really am finished.....for the time being. :)
 
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