[__ Prayer __] quit being a brat

[Christ_empowered]

whoa. i have -so- much to be thankful for, and I had a little mini-fit this AM. Not OK. Not a -huge- deal--I called my dad and apologized, smoothed things over, but...

...he said something like "I appreciate you saying that" and "I appreciate the gesture," and I'm thinking...oh man. --That-- got to me, like I'm still who I was, just...going thru the motions, all that jazz.

Truth is, it was early-ish, I'd been tossing and turning since 2 AM, and...I just got sassy. My mind wasn't "on" yet, not that being foggy headed is an "excuse," just...ugh.

I don't know what to do. My relationship with my parents is..complicated. They think of me as an extremely maniuplative, self-centered, everything wrong individual. Truth? I may have actually been varying degrees of "mentally ill" (not a little bit, either) from a young age. For all my flaws and such, when I think back to who and what I was, especially before my major Break Down (from the pits of Hell...) and subsequent shock "treatments," I'm struck by...how very, very little I understood of the world around me. I lived in a socially isolated, forever stressed, growing crazy-er by the day Bubble.

So...yeah...that's something, too. There were times when I was low IQ, sick as unto death, severely malnourished ((try...just try...to maintain a healthful diet during psychosis...))...and I was just regarded as snot nosed brat.

Now, I have a better IQ estimate, I"m healthy, I eat well and take tons of vitamins....and I'm regarded mostly as "Schizophrenic," althought the shrink is playing nice by calling it "Bipolar I w/psychotic features."

Rambling. I love my parents. I'm also transformed, but...clearly, psychosis is an issue here. I need them, they could save some $$$ by sending me off...somewhere (I don't know -where- , exactly, families put vexing relatives w/ psych labels these days...most of the state hospitals are shut down or downsized...), and this kinda thing...not OK.

I shouldn't have gotten surly and all that. I also...should not be so hyper-sensitive about my dad clearly not believing in genuine, inward transformation, even though...OK, this is a little ridiculous, but bear with me ("suspend your disbelief," you if you will...): I was so -destroyed-, at all levels, that...the way things usually go...I should have died about 10+/- years ago. Not playing.

OK. Please, if you're praying for me, think of my family, too. And thanks, yet again. The people of CFnet have really taught me a good bit, prayed for me, I'm praying for y'all, etc...its a good place, with good people, and I"m increasingly thankful.

((finished, for now))

 

[Eugene]

Are you taking your med's full course of therapy? It becomes near mandatory to establish what well being is, even if it makes you not feeling as you want to. Please allow your doctor to direct your treatment so that he can get a handle on it without your interference. Most people tend to have their own ideas of what wellness for them is, and vary the dose accordingly, and that sometimes to their detriment because they are not trained to recognize inconsistencies prevalent in their outward actions such as an unplanned inner explosion of feelings. Please see your doctor lest the symptoms progress beyond what can possibly easily be corrected at this time.
Blessings Brother Christ_empowered in Jesus' name.

 

[Christ_empowered]

thanks, eugene.

yeah...im still very much on the "atypical" tranquilizer. i go to a community/public mental health clinic (they're suprisingly professional, and its covered completely by disability). Anyway...the shrinks there come and go, probably because of relatively low pay. My shrink reduced the tranquilizer dose a good bit before he went out to private practice semi-locally, and now...I'm kind of wondering if that was the best move.

other than that...im fairly level, etc. i have some of the old strength, i might just have to dip into the "stash" until I see the new (to me) psychiatrist.

Thanks again.

 

[Christ_empowered]

me...yet again...

God is good! Dad was not a happy camper earlier today, but he's simmered down. i was about to cook something for myself, and then he told me he was going to make my (absolute, all time, #1 favorite...) dish tonight.

This is how great my dad is. Honestly, I think a lot of this is....just me being too thin skinned, and kinda confused, too, cuz of...well, the existence I had before Jesus saved me, etc. Like a lot of good dads, my dad -does- things to show he cares, and he needs me to -do- things, to the extent that I'm able, too.

OK. dinner's probably going to be ready soon, thank goodness.