[__ Prayer __] recovery from severe mental illness

[Christ_empowered]

I apparently have severe Bipolar I w/psychotic features. That particular form of Bipolar I is the point at which Bipolar overlaps with Schizophrenia.

Anyway, I'm now officially, finally, after all these years "in recovery," as the mental health people put it. I'm one of the most stigmatized people in my community. Former pill head, "mental patient," former sodomite, unemployed (I'm supported by disability+my newly affluent parents) "schizophrenic" (my diagnosis is Bipolar, but the community has declared me "schizophrenic"). I encounter rudeness and such daily. My neighbors regularly talk of "warrants," "prison," etc.

At one point, I emailed an ex-shrink, and she pressed charges. I didn't threaten her or anything, but that's no the point...when you're a "mental patient," you're supposed to know your place. I "got uppity," so she filed charges. My parents had to pay $$$ for bond and for a good attorney. I now have a misdemeanor conviction and am on misdemeanor probation.

Its crazy. I go to Public Health, which is different from seeing a private practice doc in a lot of (for me) good ways. No controlled substances. They try to minimize your use of the shrink, preferring instead to have your counselor/case manager do the heavy lifting and then a shrink sees you once every 8-12 weeks for meds and some chit chat. Not bad at all. My counselor is a Born Again Christian--he has an M. Divinity--and he actually cares.

It took a miracle just for me to survive what I did to myself and what I was subjected to. Low on the totem pole...subjected to involuntary electroshock...etc. etc. I'm living with my parents now because I feel safe here, and they're kind enough to help me recover and become normal, possibly for the first time ever (I had mental problem from childhood on).

People around here blame me for my problems, and I can't blame them. I was wretched, now I'm a mentally ill Christian. Unlike when I was younger, my meds are fairly minimal and they work beautifully. What's unfortunate is that psychiatry is the least advanced of all the medical specialties. Basically, if you're severely mentally ill, all they can offer is tranquilizers/antipsychotics and support. The only real difference between the old drugs (say, Thorazine) and the new ones (say, Seroquel) is price (usually) and tolerabillity. They do basically the same things in the brain.

So...yeah...I get to think again, dream again, live again. Scratch that: thanks to Christ Jesus, I'm alive for the very first time, and its a wonderful feeling.

So, I was praise God for His work in my life. I may very well always require medication and that's fine, but I get to recover, and that's huge...and it was never supposed to happen. I've been utter and complete destruction simply because Jesus loves me and saw fit to do otherwise with my life.

This is also yet another prayer request. People around here don't want me to recover. I'm expected to know my place (shrinks aren't the only people who try to keep "mental patients" in line, especially in the south). A lot of my confidential info has been shared with people because I dared to file a medical board complaint against the same doc I later emailed. She got me hooked on Ambien and Klonopin as a teenager, but...hey...I"m the patient, she's the doc, right? Just deal with it, crazy--that's how society treats the mentally ill.

So, yeah...praise God, and please pray that I can stay free, stay safe, recover, and have as normal a life as possible, given the circumstances.

 

[Eugene]

Praying for your recovery CE.

 

[Davies]

Hi Christ_empowered,

As much distaste as I have for trials and difficulties, I believe that we all face what I like to call our waterloo. Even after coming to Jesus, the life long struggle to die to self and allow Christ to live in us is a great difficulty. I can't imagine what it's like to be dismissed because of mental illness. That's what I imagine it's like to be diagnosed with some mental illness. As a Christian, my thought is mental illness may be an ideal tribulation in that the self is weighed low, humbled, and even crushed. I often feel like a mentally ill Christian in that I never seem able to do what the Lord has commanded me. I agree with the Bible's description about what value we offer to the Lord... we offer ashes. Having realized that, what is confounding and sometimes hard to believe, He offers beauty to us in return. I pray that we may live with this kind of grace in our hearts.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts this morning.

- Davies

 

[petester]

Yes Sir im praying for you.Those of us that were chosen for exceptional trials MUST overcome those trials and learn from them.Thats my belief anywhow.Looks like you are doing great and that makes my day.God Bless

 

[Christ_empowered]

yeah...recovery is...beautiful. A Gift from God. In my case, its crazy, because you see some of the stuff (especially my community) that contributed so mightily to my disordered-ness at younger ages.

My family and I get along quite well, and that's another huge blessing. My dad and I just went for a ride through more rural areas near our house. It was wonderful.

Its just...crazy...how oppressive society is towards those who go off the rails for whatever reason, especially when you started out low on the totem pole, which I certainly did. Geeky flamer since HS. Jesus recently transformed me, inside and out, so while I'm not exactly Mr.Manly Man, I'm considerably more masculine than I was. Even my face is more masculine, although I still hear people say I'm "a little too pretty." I don't know what's up with that. I think its my crazy head of wavy hair, plus good skin, plus a certain softness to my bone structure. Who knows?

Point is... this community is largely against my recovery, and they're just running on our society's values, you know? Nothing personal. I was poor "white trash" from a "rinky dink middle class family" (their words, not mine). Now, I'm poor--no money of my own, save what I'm blessed with from disability and student aid money and what my parents generously give me--but I don't live in poverty. I live with my parents in a rather nice, pre-civil war farmhouse. That makes a lot of people around here angry.

I've come to realize that southern culture, while not all that helpful to people like me, isn't really the problem, either. I mean, I got to go to teen challenge instead of a mental hospital. I would be in a state mental hospital in most other areas, especially the more "progressive" ones up North. I hear northerners don't put up with people like me, lol.

Recovery. What a concept. I'm just now at the point where I realize that, yes, this is mental illness, and its probably a life long deal. Some people do end up successfully tapering their meds. I'm probably not going to be one of them, and that's OK. I've been blessed with enough intelligence to navigate life OK, do college-level work well, and write well. I've developed good social and conversational skills. Jesus is with me, I know it, just as He's with all His children. He just deals with each of us a little bit differently.

 

[AirDancer]

Prayers continue for you, Christ_empowered

We each have our own individual path to follow. Some of these are smoother than others. Some have rather high & rocky hills to climb with very little down-hill easing. But regardless of our given paths, the one constant upon which we can all rely: our Lord is always with us!

 

[Malachi]

I hear northerners don't put up with people like me, lol.

Do you know why? They just can't match your Southern charm (just kidding). Will pray for you. Remember, when there is opposition in your Christian life, you must be doing something right.

 

[Christ_empowered]

Thanks for the prayers.

Its like...I realize I messed up royally before Jesus saved me. I do, trust me. Now that The Lord has restored my intelligence and returned my senses unto me (nothing like hardcore, involuntary electroshock to dull the mind), I see how deviant, sinful, and wayward and rebellious I was. I do.

But man oh man...that's not the real reason these people around here condemn me. I used to be ugly, and The Lord fixed that. How? I dunno. Why? I'm guessing so I can have a life and not live a life of condemnation and shame. Maybe to upset the community that condemned me for years. I dunno. The difference between old, ugly me and new, not ugly, Christian me is pronounced enough that I've been openly accussed of getting cosmetic work done. Seriously? With what money?

So...yeah...I wasn't condemned because of my sins per se. I was condemned for being geeky, ugly, and a flamer. I was a convenient target for people around here, many of whom were doing the exact same things I did back then (and until Jesus saved me).

I'm 30, and I'm just now being truly introduced to "The Real World," or really, the world without Christ. Its an ugly, frightening place. I'm expected to know my place, etc., and people around here--especially in my neighborhood--are openly hateful, especially when good things happen for me by God's grace.

They keep on talking about warrants and prison and jail and such, and I'm thinking...what gives? I mean, this is a kinda rough small, southern town. Used to have a cute veneer, but now its just...rough. A small, southern town with pockets of poverty and lots of drugs. These people are so vicious towards me, I just don't know what to think. My dad won't call the attorney he hired. I was in court a little bit over 1 year ago to plea to a misdemeanor, and nothing showed up. I've been pulled over since all this talk of warrants started. I didn't get a ticket and, obviously, I wasn't arrested. I'm on misdemeanor probation, and my probation officer wants me discharged very early, for good behavior.

Ugh. Fret not because of evil doers. We used to be on the same team. I'm blessed because The Lord saw fit to call me out of an existence that was shameful, painful, and wasteful. I could not save myself, and He saved me. I'm working on my devotion to Christ, trying to develop a solidly Christian worldview, going to Liberty, developing right relationships with Christ, my parents, others, myself, etc...

...and people 'round here are openly hateful. Ugh.

 

[Kathi]

Thanks for the prayers.

Its like...I realize I messed up royally before Jesus saved me. I do, trust me. Now that The Lord has restored my intelligence and returned my senses unto me (nothing like hardcore, involuntary electroshock to dull the mind), I see how deviant, sinful, and wayward and rebellious I was. I do.

But man oh man...that's not the real reason these people around here condemn me. I used to be ugly, and The Lord fixed that. How? I dunno. Why? I'm guessing so I can have a life and not live a life of condemnation and shame. Maybe to upset the community that condemned me for years. I dunno. The difference between old, ugly me and new, not ugly, Christian me is pronounced enough that I've been openly accussed of getting cosmetic work done. Seriously? With what money?

So...yeah...I wasn't condemned because of my sins per se. I was condemned for being geeky, ugly, and a flamer. I was a convenient target for people around here, many of whom were doing the exact same things I did back then (and until Jesus saved me).

I'm 30, and I'm just now being truly introduced to "The Real World," or really, the world without Christ. Its an ugly, frightening place. I'm expected to know my place, etc., and people around here--especially in my neighborhood--are openly hateful, especially when good things happen for me by God's grace.

They keep on talking about warrants and prison and jail and such, and I'm thinking...what gives? I mean, this is a kinda rough small, southern town. Used to have a cute veneer, but now its just...rough. A small, southern town with pockets of poverty and lots of drugs. These people are so vicious towards me, I just don't know what to think. My dad won't call the attorney he hired. I was in court a little bit over 1 year ago to plea to a misdemeanor, and nothing showed up. I've been pulled over since all this talk of warrants started. I didn't get a ticket and, obviously, I wasn't arrested. I'm on misdemeanor probation, and my probation officer wants me discharged very early, for good behavior.

Ugh. Fret not because of evil doers. We used to be on the same team. I'm blessed because The Lord saw fit to call me out of an existence that was shameful, painful, and wasteful. I could not save myself, and He saved me. I'm working on my devotion to Christ, trying to develop a solidly Christian worldview, going to Liberty, developing right relationships with Christ, my parents, others, myself, etc...

...and people 'round here are openly hateful. Ugh.

You mess up royally?Haven't we all?