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Sex Before Marriage

Would you have sex before marriage to prevent a divorce?


  • Total voters
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The Busymind

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Hey Guys,

I have another question. Should Christians obstain from sex before marriage if it causes them to be wed earlier and therefore increase the risk for divorce, or should Christains have sex to prevent from having a divorce?
 
I can truthfully testify that I was a virgin till wed - @ age 35 - despite being a highly rated singer/guitarist/mimic/songwriter teen in the '60s - when Liverpool ruled the airwaves & B4 AIDS sobered folk up

As wise guys have been known to reply, "You must have no/low sex drive", I'll also testify to being an every-morning-&-every-night man when wed

& folk would most often say I looked like a young Sir Cliff/Bruce Willis/ David Hasselhoff - so I was never short of offers in my youth

One of my fave verses is, "Don't be as the mule that needs bit & bridle"

Learn the easy way: take God @ His Word

"Those who come to God must believe that He exists & that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him"

Jesus said, "If you love Me, keep My commandments"

Exodus 20 includes faithfulness: I can truthfully say I've never '2-timed' in my life - nor did I ever try to steal another guy's girlfriend, let alone his fiancee or wife - no matter how gorgeous they were

I can even recall one absolute stunner flirting with me & saying she had no boyfriend: as soon as I learnt she'd just had a tiff & was trying to make him jealous - or to be more accurate, as soon as he was pointed out to me & I saw his sad eyes - I went right over & told him I'd had no idea - (it was a new crowd to me) - & couldn't do that to another guy

'God honours those who honour Him'

I have never simply sought the preetiest/cleverest/wittiest 'trophy' girl or woman: I always honoured God by asking, "Who do YOU want me to date, Lord?'

& when I was a telesales supervisor of all-girl/woman teams, I always made it clear, at the start, that I've never dated a colleague, & always suggested socialising as a group, so nobody feels left out

Must go!

Ian :-D
 
Sex before you get married will be a great hinderance in you married life!

Besides God forbids whoring and whoremongering, and even goes as far to say if you are given to it you may not be converted. :o

Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, (1 Corinthians 6:9)

Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God. (1 Corinthians 6:10)

And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. (1 Corinthians 6:11)
 
I didn't know how to respond to this poll, partially because i can't seperate sex from marriage. Sex is described as becoming one flesh, and marriage is surely the same. In my eyes, if you have sex with someone, you marry them as you are now one. Neither act should be taken lightly. In response to the question then, i don't think having sex can be an alternative to an early marriage. Rather than decreasing the chance of divorce, it would surely just complicate things. If you are not ready to get married and go the distance then you are not ready to have sex either.
 
I see things in a secular fashion and not in a religions one so I think that sex before marriage is probably a good thing. To me sex is about loving, caring and physical release. Marriage is about committment and taking care of each other. So there is overlap, but there are places where they don't have to overlap.

I worry that people may rush into mariage just so they can have regular sex. I think that is counter productive.
 
The Busymind said:
Hey Guys,

I have another question. Should Christians obstain from sex before marriage if it causes them to be wed earlier and therefore increase the risk for divorce, or should Christains have sex to prevent from having a divorce?
How could having sex prevent a divorce?
 
CatholicXian said:
How could having sex prevent a divorce?

That's what I've been sitting here trying to figure out! I've read that over and over again thinking that maybe I was reading the question wrong.
:lol:
 
I think The Busymind is saying that people may wed sooner so they can have sex as opposed to wait. I would probably agree that if you can't have sex until you marry, you may try to get married sooner to you can have "legit" sex.
 
Yes, he meant that having sex before marriage as opposed to rushing into marriage for sex, will usually make the marrigage stronger.
 
Gendou Ikari said:
Yes, he meant that having sex before marriage as opposed to rushing into marriage for sex, will usually make the marrigage stronger.
I don't think the statistics would back up that statement...

How will having sex before marriage make the marriage stronger?
 
CatholicXian said:
I don't think the statistics would back up that statement...

How will having sex before marriage make the marriage stronger?
It would be interesting to find statistics on it. I think the reason for sex before marriage being good for marriage is that it may delay marriage so people will date longer and have longer to decide if they are compatible. It also lets people decide if they are compatible sexually before they tie the knot.
 
Quath said:
It would be interesting to find statistics on it. I think the reason for sex before marriage being good for marriage is that it may delay marriage so people will date longer and have longer to decide if they are compatible. It also lets people decide if they are compatible sexually before they tie the knot.
IMO, "sexually compatible" is a joke. As long as his parts are in working order and so are hers, they'll fit together.

Last I heard on statistics, the rate of divorce for couples that cohabitated before marriage was in the 70s% and the general average was in the 50s%. Pretty sad. But the numbers are much lower with couples that practice NFP and waited until marriage (Catholic, Protestant, or neither), it was something like less than 5%.
 
I find there is a lot more to sex than the basic act. The woman may want it daily and the man may want it weekly. There are submissive and dominant elements to relationships and sex. One partner may be too kinky for the other partner. One person may be too quick in bed or does not appreciate foreplay.

Some of this could be learned together and taught, but some of it is just individual personality.

I found some statistics for divorce from Religious Tolerance. They quote a Barna Research Group research back in 1999 that showed the following (they had interviewed 3,854 adults from the 48 contiguous states. The margin of error is within 2 percentage points.):

  • 11% of the adult population is currently divorced. [/*:m:86cb9]
  • 25% of adults have had at least one divorce during their lifetime. [/*:m:86cb9]
  • Divorce rates among conservative Christians were significently higher than for other faith groups, and for Atheists and Agnostics. [/*:m:86cb9]
Some divorce rates among Christian denominations:
  • 34% - Non-denominational (small conservative groups; independents)[/*:m:86cb9]
  • 29% - Baptists[/*:m:86cb9]
  • 25% - Mainline Protestants[/*:m:86cb9]
  • 24% - Mormons[/*:m:86cb9]
  • 21% - Catholics[/*:m:86cb9]
  • 21% - Lutherans[/*:m:86cb9]
They also quote Donald Hughes, author of The Divorce Reality:
In the churches, people have a superstitious view that Christianity will keep them from divorce, but they are subject to the same problems as everyone else, and they include a lack of relationship skills. ...Just being born again is not a rabbit's foot."

He also says that 90% of divorces among born-again couples occur after they have been "saved."
 
We are in agreement that there is a lot more to sex than just intercourse. However, these personality characteristics can be evident before marriage. And couples in engaged/betrothed relationships should talk about those things beforehand.

Lack of communication is the number one problem. You don't have to have sex with someone to know whether or not the relationship will work out.
 
Thank you Quath for understanding my question. As you can find on a previous topic, I have several friends who are 19 and getting married. i consider myself a Sensible guy, and getting married at 19 is just incomprehensible to me.

I also appreciate the stats you posted as well. I found them to be quite helpful. Particularly the quote you added.

The main problem that Christians and Non Christians have on this topic is that each group is sure that their viewpoint is the correct one. As my name suggests, i am a thinker, so I am in mental dispute with myself as to whether or not to have sex before marriage.

I come from a very badly bruised and broken family. Therefore, regardless of what others may recommend, i will do anything to prevent a divorce in my future. If having sex before marriage will lower the odds of a divorce, then i will, if it creates more problems than its worth, i wont.

So please, Quath, Catholic, Niki and Gendou, Tell me more.

-TBM
 
I would ageree with CatholicXian that communication is the biggest issue in a marriage or relationship. If you have that problem solved then you will be able to solve most problems.

Since I am not religious, I looked at sex before marriage from a different perspective. I see that sex helps reinforce emotional bonds as well as give physical pleasure. It can sometimes make you feel closer to someone who you are really not compatible with as well. However, after several months the newness wears off and the little stuff in a relationship starts to bug each other.

This is the toughter part of a relationship because you don't have the euphoria going that helps you overlook that other person's quirks. However, if you get through this (make it past 6 months) then things are probably looking good.

I think living together really teaches you about the other person. I have lived with 4 women over my life. Sometimes it works out and sometimes not. I tried to make it work, but people change or differences accumulate over time. The relationships lasted anywhere from 2.5 years to 4.5 years until we broke up.

However, with hindsight and what I know today, I should have known the relationships would not have lasted after a year.

I swore I would not get a divorce when I was young because I didn't like my parents divorcing. I am married and haven't divorced, but I have also gotten past my fear of divorce. I don't forsee divorcing, but I realized I had been committed to my previous relationships as if we were married. Breaking up with someone you really love hurts whether you are married or not.

Not sure if there was any wisdom in my ramblings, but I figued it wouldn't hurt to just say what I experienced.
 
Thank you again for such an insightful post. There was quite a bit of wisdom in your words, particularly about living with another person. My room-mate and I are very good friends and we discuss this issue quite frequently.

He and I are of the opinion that it is undoubtably a helpful and good thing to live with someone for a bit before you marry them (regardless if your having sex or not). In your experience, would you agree? In my last job i worked with a woman who got married before she lived with her ex-husband. He words to me were that people can hide themselves for a very long time, and living with them exposes their true selves far faster than anything else would.

You mentioned that the newness of sex wears off after about 6 months. With most of my sexually active friends, they have experienced the newness for over 2 years. Even the ones who were in very bad relationships still had the eurphoric hysteria accompanied by sexual activity that lasted beyond 6 months.
Why? What is this hysteria?

Regardless of your religious viewpoints, you have a lot of wisdom to share, so please feel no hesitancy to share it with me.

You also mentioned that your married now, has your past sexual activity influenced the way you see your wife? Does it create any problems for your marriage?
 
Gendou Ikari said:
Yes, he meant that having sex before marriage as opposed to rushing into marriage for sex, will usually make the marrigage stronger.

People actually rush into marriage just for sex? :-?
 
TMI WARNING!!!

Sorry if this is too much info, but being in the medical field, I can easily talk about these kind of things.

People change and so do their bodies, likes and dislikes. For instance, my hubby and I used to have a fairly decent sex life. Now that my body has changed and decided to develop endometriosis, I have to say that there really is no sex life at all. It's frustrating to both me and hubby. Should he leave me because of it? No.

I think using sex as an indicator of good marriage vs. bad marriage is ridiculous. Sex before marriage also doesn't prevent divorce. I've been sitting here trying to think of someone that I know that was a virgin before marriage that got divorced and I can't think of a single one. Now, ask me how many of my divorced friends and family members had sex BEFORE marriage and I can tell you that it's all of them.
 
The Busymind said:
Thank you Quath for understanding my question. As you can find on a previous topic, I have several friends who are 19 and getting married. i consider myself a Sensible guy, and getting married at 19 is just incomprehensible to me.

I also appreciate the stats you posted as well. I found them to be quite helpful. Particularly the quote you added.

The main problem that Christians and Non Christians have on this topic is that each group is sure that their viewpoint is the correct one. As my name suggests, i am a thinker, so I am in mental dispute with myself as to whether or not to have sex before marriage.

I come from a very badly bruised and broken family. Therefore, regardless of what others may recommend, i will do anything to prevent a divorce in my future. If having sex before marriage will lower the odds of a divorce, then i will, if it creates more problems than its worth, i wont.

So please, Quath, Catholic, Niki and Gendou, Tell me more.

-TBM
You say you will do anything, right? Trust in God. Marriage is VERY hard work....especially in the beginning. I did not live with my hubby before marriage. There were times that I thought it would have been better, but now I'm glad we didn't. My hubby and I split up for a couple of months during our first year of marriage. We planned on divorcing, but thankfully with a lot of prayers and trust in God, we got back together and worked through our difference. We both had to change certain ways of ours, but it was only for the better.
 
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